A Visit to My Past

 Maybe some of you have thought about what you would write in a letter to yourself, should you be able to write one to the young version of you. Would you warn yourself of future mistakes, and tell yourself things to do to avoid them? Would you tell yourself not to worry about all the little things, and instead, focus on the big picture? Or maybe you would tell yourself to listen to the advice of parents, or godly friends who were seeking to lead you to better paths than the one you would choose. Whatever, the case, we all have lived and learned and through our victories and poor decisions, we've become who we are right now. 

I look back at myself as a young girl of eleven, trusting Jesus to be my personal Savior. Skinny legs and bucktoothed and innocent, I was just getting started in life. I was naive, bright-eyed, compliant, and timid. Life is pretty uncomplicated at eleven. Nothing major had shook the foundation of my life. Not death. Not sickness. Not relationship struggles. No financial strains or big decisions to make. No real responsibilities. No—life was easy for me as a little girl. And because of the lack of the pressures of life, my knowledge of Jesus lacked depth. My eleven year old self trusted Him as my Savior, but knew little about Him in a personal way at that time.

Fast forward almost four decades, and I wish I could sit beside that eleven year old girl, and give some advice. It would not include anything about making different decisions as much as it would be about encouraging myself to know that God would walk each wrong one, and each right one, right beside me. I would tell myself that hurt is real. Betrayal is devastating. Sickness can be discouraging. Parenting is tough. Marriage is work. Money can run short. Anxiety is a battle. Death shatters hearts. Bad decisions will be made. But no matter how low you may feel some days, God will make Himself known to you in those low places. I would encourage her in knowing that for the bad seasons that would surely come, there would be so many wonderful seasons—seasons of joy, hope and love. "Don't get discouraged and give up", I'd say.

Stepping away from looking back, I can really look at where I am today. I see how prayer has changed not only me, but circumstances. Over and over again, I've seen it happen. I see how God's Word really is living and active and gives us discernment and help. It's bursting full of wisdom, instruction, encouragement, and hope. On days when my heart was so broken, His Word soothed my wounds. I've heard His voice when I desperately needed to, giving me hope and strength for the moment. He's healed me many times. He intimately cares for me, for my marriage, for my family and my loved ones. His Spirit within me has been the constant that always, always carries me through.

Yes, life would be hard. Life is hard. But without all of the hard stuff, I would not have the opportunity to grow and to really know more of Jesus. And because that isn't best for me, I will have many challenges along the way. These are for my good, and not meant to destroy me or diminish my faith. Some would love to go back and do life differently, and I get it, because mistakes can be painful. Mistakes can hurt others as well as myself. But for me, I can see how all of the hard situations and hurt led me to a better place—they all led me to the arms of Jesus. And the more time I spend there, the more I know Him. The more I know Him, the more I love Him. 

So a message to my eleven year old self would be this:He is real. He is faithful. When everything seems wrong and impossible, that's when you see Him best. You'll learn to know Him, because you always need Him. But if you had an easy road ahead, you'd miss out on so much. You'll always be a work in progress, until the day the Lord calls you home. Keep pushing forward though, knowing it's a race, but that the prize is worth it. You are so loved, and you need His love to see you through. God is using every situation in your experience to make you ultimately aware of His plan for you, and His purpose for your life. So keep going, little one. Be courageous and strong, because He is Your Rock. Lots and lots of love, an older and wiser me.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go (Joshua 1:9, ESV)."

The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing (Zephaniah 3:17, ESV).

...And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age (Matthew 28:20b, ESV)."

It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed (Deuteronomy 31:8, ESV)."

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for walking through life with me. It's such a privilege and blessing to know You are with me in all things—whether good or bad. May I remember that the hard seasons drive me closer to You, and without them, my relationship with You would be shallow on my part. Give me Your strength for all that's ahead, and hope that You will carry me through every situation. In Your name I pray, Amen!

Remove the Weights Holding You Down

     I remember the hot asphalt and my skinny 8-year old unshaved legs like it was yesterday. I was hunched over the track, ready for the race. I didn't want to be here-in fact, I wouldn't have been without the stern request of the P.E. teacher. A row of grade school girls beside me, we waited for the sound of the starting gun, signaling the start of the race. I didn't really sweat at that age, but I do remember my heart pounding-and if I could've done it, I would have plugged my ears. As soon as I heard the blast of the gun, I ran for all I was worth, winning a blue ribbon for our team on track-and-field day. A coach approached me, inquiring about my willingness to join the elementary track team (it was a thing back then, in Canada). And I surprised him by quickly turning him down. Why? My fear of the starting gun held me back from ever wanting to run a race again. 
     Fear. It's one of the weights that lay across the opportunities that life, and even God, have spread before me. Fear is just one of the weights that challenge me and hold me back from doing things I would otherwise excel in. While being a runner never really was one of my life goals, I've walked away from plenty of others, simply because I allowed one factor or another to keep me from accomplishing them. Owning my own bakery, or landscaping/produce shop are dreams that are hindered by financial obligations and risk. I feel sure of my ability to succeed in either dream, yet certain aspects of both have kept me from seriously pursuing them. If I never own my own bakery or landscaping supply shop, it really won't matter once I finish my race here in life. But spiritual hindrances have an eternal cost.
     Maybe you want to be a missionary one day, but you're afraid to leave your homeland and all that's familiar. Maybe you want to write a daily devotional, but find the process too daunting. Maybe you want to read the whole Bible through, studying it carefully, book by book, but can't seem to find the time. Maybe God has placed in your heart, a burden to befriend a troubled church member, but you push away the whispers of His Spirit, longing to spend your time doing something easier. These spiritual goals or longings are good, and without proper focus, we will allow "weights" to hold us back from following through. Our faith journey is like a race-a starting point and the finish line is our goal, yet many things along the way will steer us off course. 
     The Apostle Paul had many weights that could have hindered his faith journey. He had a past that was guilty of shedding innocent blood of christian martyrs. He may have seen the stoning of Stephen night after night as he lay down to sleep, sorry for his part in it all. He could've allowed regret to keep him stuck, but he didn't. When I think of Paul, I am always so impressed with his spiritual focus-refusing to allow those weights to be an excuse to keep him stuck. He strived. He pushed aside the things that could hinder him, and allowed himself to wholly serve the Lord. Because of this, he did many great things for God's kingdom-maybe more than most others ever will achieve. But if I were to apply this same spiritual focus in my own life, how much more could I accomplish for God? 
      Friends, let's not continue to allow our past, or any other excuse to hold us back from finishing our faith journey well. When all is said and done, I won't want to feel regret for the many opportunities I turned my back on for one reason or another. I want to, instead, push aside these weights that are holding me back from what God wants me to do. Maybe you'll have to walk away from people who are standing in your way. Maybe you'll have to turn down obligations in order to make room for God. Whatever is holding you back-have the courage to remove them so that you may one day hear some of the best words ever: "well done, My good and faithful servant!"  

You were running well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth (Galatians 5:7, ESV)?
I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:14, ESV).
I can do all things through him who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13, ESV).
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith (2 Timothy 4:7, ESV).

Dear heavenly Father, allow me to clearly see the weights that are holding me back from my spiritual potential, and then the courage to remove them. In Your name, I pray, Amen!