The Manipulation Game

 It starts as very young children—innocently enough initially until they figure out they own power over a caretaker. It's different than a new baby crying to signal hunger or discomfort, it's an action backed with intention. A temper tantrum is a clear sign of early stage manipulation—I'll scream and carry on until I get on your nerves so much that you'll give me what I want. As soon as you give them what they wanted to make the screaming stop, they think to themselves, "hey, that works!" And so it begins.

This behavior often follows us into our growing up years. We say things to manipulate a response: "If you really loved me, you wouldn't ground me for 3 weeks." The parents talk among themselves and reduce the punishment. They have in short, been manipulated. Why do we fall for this? Because our love is short-sighted and we don't enjoy punishing the people we love. By short-sighting our relationships though, we are failing to raise children who realize that A) sin has consequences, and B) manipulating us is not an option.

What is manipulation? It is defined as an action "to manage or influence skillfully, especially in an unfair manner." (www.dictionary.com). The older we get, the better we often become at being manipulators. We learn what works with certain people and we skillfully use words or actions to influence them to do what we want them to do. This is a very damaging way to manage our relationships, and often leads to the parting of ways. If we manipulate our children, they are watching us and learning from our own behavior, thus, pouring this same manipulation into their own familial relationships. So, what do we do about it, and is there any hope to re-train ourselves to find value in differing opinions, behaviors and decisions other than what we prefer?

Manipulation is said by behavioral experts to be rooted in fear and insecurity. What we know from Scripture is that fear is not from God. ("For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline- 2 Timothy 1:7, NLT.") We also read in the Bible that there is no fear in love ("There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love- 1 John 4:18, NIV.) So we can surmise that fear is from Satan, and fear has no place in love. This poses a problem for allowing manipulation into our relationships as believers, and yet it is often prevalent in how we handle our kids, co-workers, and especially our spouse. 

Manipulation is a form of controlling others. When we practice controlling behavior, we are removing God from the equation. We may not be aware that we are essentially doing that, but isn't God the One who should be in control? Now here is another uncomfortable bit of truth. I've been a manipulator and I've been manipulated—and you have also played on both sides of the field. Some have a bigger struggle with it than others, but as believers, it's a behavior we need to eliminate from our lives. The only way we can even begin to tackle it is to understand that we have this problem and sincerely desire change. When we get to this point, only then is there hope for God to move in and work to change our hearts. When our hearts are changed, what flows from our words and our actions will also change as those are directly impacted by the state of our spiritual hearts.

If you recognize this damaging behavior in your own life, my prayer today is that you would acknowledge it, then learn to take it to the feet of Jesus. He longs to banish our fears and insecurities, and He promises to give us strength and help for anything we face. Depending on the severity and the root cause of our manipulative behaviors, we may find ourselves in need of counseling from a professional. But most of us can find what we need in Christ to kick this bad habit to the curb. May we allow God to purge us from using skillful influence to get what we want from the ones we love, because at the very core of it all, we are damaging our relationships. God, help us today to see ourselves with open eyes and open hearts, and be willing to allow You to work in us for our spiritual and relational good. 

Examples of Manipulative Behavior: (a very short list)

*Compliments before giving your parents your report card

*Withholding sex from your spouse over an argument

*Guilting your child to stay home because you're lonely

*Complimenting a co-worker so they do something that should be       your job to do

*Putting someone down to elevate yourself

*Pouting because your guy chose to play basketball instead of shopping   with you

*Crying to get out of a speeding ticket

*Using a loud, angry voice to intimidate

*Preaching a sermon that was tailored to jab at one person in the   congregation

*Misrepresenting a product to make a sale

Dear Heavenly Father, forgive us for this sinful, damaging behavioral pattern we often portray in our lives. Purge us from manipulation and help us to see how damaging it is to our relationships. Lord, may we remember that You are in control, and it is best left that way. In Your precious name we pray, Amen!

The Shame Game

 "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones (Proverbs 12:4, NASB)."

Words. They bring pleasure and they spread poison. They wound, hurt and jab. They encourage, comfort and build confidence. In short, they can be used for good and for bad. What we say matters. A lot. Especially the words we say to or about our spouse. In our culture, it's not uncommon to hear women groan about their husbands. "They work too much. They are lazy. They are moody. They are messy. They need to lose weight. They yell too much at the kids." The list can be pretty extensive, yet personalized to the man behind these verbal barbs. And oftentimes they are directed straight to the source, putting him down and bringing "rottenness to his bones".

But I'm guessing this isn't a new problem, as Solomon saw fit to include this statement in the book of Proverbs. And I'm also guessing with the number of wives he had, he experienced plenty of this in his own life (another reason why polygamy is not God's plan for us). And let us remember that nothing was placed in Scripture that God did not want there—after all, it's His Word. And so this statement is important and relevant.

I'll not say that I've never put my own husband down to him, or in front of others, because I would sadly be lying. But as I've gotten older, I've realized how damaging it is to a man—and a marriage, to practice this behavior. It goes completely against the directive found in Ephesians chapter 5, written by the Apostle Paul, to respect our husband. This respect spoken of by Paul is not conditional. This means we respect them whether they have earned it or not. This goes against the modern way of thinking, and challenges us to stretch ourselves and ask God to fill seasons where this may be difficult on our part. 

One way we can show this respect toward our husbands is to refuse to belittle them or put them down. Ever. That doesn't mean that they never need to hear constructive criticism, done the right way. In private. Using kindness. This is one way we can be an excellent crown to our husbands. With my personal opinion removed, it's never biblical or spiritual to engage in an argument in front of other people. Does it happen? Yes. But it's never right or acceptable to do so. And to be quite frank, no one else enjoys being spectators to this either.

And so we can flip the coin on this one, refusing to implant words that lead to rottenness. We can instead choose words that lead to life and joy and bring peace—words that encourage and show respect. We can step into a group of women who may be husband bashing, and say something great about ours—or we can simply walk away, refusing to engage. We can tell our kids things that build him up. Things like, "your dad works very hard to provide for us all." Or, "give Dad some space today because he has had a rough day (even if you think yours was harder than his)." Or maybe even, "dad is so generous toward us, and I'm so thankful for him." 

Our words have great power, as wives. Our men can be built up by them, or torn down. Our kids are witness to our words, and are taking note. What do they see and hear from you? Does it line up with Scripture, and would God be pleased with how you speak to, and about your husband? It's never too late to make improvements in our marriages, and if you feel you have fallen short, make changes starting today. When you do, don't be surprised when you see it transform the man you love. And don't be surprised when in turn, he behaves in a much more loving way toward you. 

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband (Ephesians 5:33, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us as wives to show respect and speak honorably about our husbands—even when we think they don't deserve it. Open our eyes to how we sometimes bring shame to them with our words, and how it goes against Your design for our marriage. In Your name we pray, Amen!

Choose Truth

 The past year has been tough—that's not hard to deny. From dirty politics, to racial tension, to Covid19 information (or misinformation), one thing that stands out is how difficult it is to find truth these days. We can't find truth on the news; we are fed lies every day on social media, and we sure can't get a solid answer from our political leaders. It's disheartening and causes insecurity and fear. Our media feeds on this fear, piling on information that is greatly skewed. And while feeling disillusioned by outside sources is frustrating, it's far less hurtful than when it comes from our inner circle.

I was listening to a radio broadcast the other day and the pastor relayed a personal story that stuck with me. Someone had said something about him that was completely untrue—someone he knew and thought was his friend. This piece of information got under his skin and caused him three sleepless nights and plenty of anger. When he met with one of his friends for coffee, he brought up what had happened. His friend stopped him halfway through the conversation and said, "Enough. I don't want to hear about that anymore!" Taken aback, his friend went on to explain that what was said was untrue, in the past, and if dwelt on, would shift his focus from serving God to being sidetracked by this issue.

How many can relate to this story? I can. What people say about me matters—even though I often tend to brush it off outwardly (but inside it's very damaging). But when the information is inaccurate, it's even more hurtful. One point we need to consider is this—if you're doing something for the Lord, expect adversity. Nothing will trip us up more than an attack against our character—especially from a close source. And so when this happens, we must ask some questions of ourselves.

Is what has been said about me true in any way? Really allow yourself time to reflect on this and search for proof behind statements or assumptions. We often are not aware of how our words or actions may be taken by others. If there is truth to what has been said, address the issue and make the necessary changes. Mending relationships is important, and when we are at fault for the breech, we should be taking the first step to restoring the relationship.

What if the information is not true—what do I do about it? This can be difficult when it's coming from someone you know, trust, or love. It hurts. Addressing the issue and offering "your side" is helpful, but won't always correct the situation. If someone truly knows your character, they should be willing to hear your side and consider the possibility that what they have heard does not align with what they have observed in your words and actions. If they refuse to believe the truth over the misinformation they have heard, you will have to leave it at an apology and allow God to work in their hearts on the matter. Staying stuck in this place will rob you of your spiritual purpose and the joy we should experience as God's children.

What if the information is actually true–even if it was taken the wrong way? A heartfelt apology is in order—not only to the one you have offended, but to God as well. When we say or do hurtful things, we hurt more than just the person we offended—we hurt the heart of our Heavenly Father. This step goes against our pride and our fleshly desire to be "right". It's humbling to accept responsibility for our actions and to offer an apology, but it's absolutely required. The apology may or may not be accepted—and if it is not, that's on them. As believers, we should show care and grace when we offend or have been offended. 

Words can be very damaging. Gossip, lies against someone's character, and spreading misinformation hurt people. Consider this when you have something to say, or something to share with others. Is it true? Is it accurate? Is it profitable? Is it damaging? Will it build up, or tear down? Before we open our mouths, may we take into consideration these important questions, and be willing to shut our mouths when what we have to say is unkind, malicious or untrue. May we be known as encouragers and people who speak the truth in love. 

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits (Proverbs 18:21, ESV).

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18, ESV).

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak (Matthew 12:36, ESV),

"You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor (Exodus 20:16, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to weigh our words—the words we say and the words we hear. Help us to be truthful and to dwell on truth, knowing that dwelling on lies causes us to become angry and bitter. Purify our hearts so that our words will follow. In Your name we pray, Amen.

His Hands and Feet

 It's a message we have heard many times within church walls—the commission to be the hands and feet of Jesus. In short, we are co-laborers with Christ which is quite a privilege. Who better to serve alongside than Jesus Christ? And yet the reality is, we allow so many things to distract us from sharing this responsibility with those hurting and in need of the gospel. We often are takers from others in active service for the Lord, and do not do our part in giving ourselves. In order to serve alongside Christ, we need to lay aside our own selfishness and desire for personal comfort. 

The Church is a place people are drawn to when they have a need. Sometimes, we judge the motives of those who come asking for money, groceries or help. We allow someone else to step in and help, but we feel most comfortable when it doesn't fall on us. But the reality is, the Church is a place people come for not only spiritual help, but a need they feel is more important. As believers, we know that the priority of Jesus was always meeting spiritual needs, but He often did that only after He addressed their physical needs. 

Take physical hunger, for example. Now I don't claim to understand real hunger even though I've been hungry, but for someone who is actually in serious need of food or water, their ability to think and reason is limited until that need is met. Or someone suffering from deep, searing burns on their body need pain management in order to think straight. Removing the discomfort allowed the people who came to Jesus to focus on what truly mattered—their spiritual need. 

Why is spiritual need the primary focus? The easiest way to answer this is because this need is the only need that transcends time. Physical discomfort is limited to our lifespan, but our spiritual need impacts our eternal destination. How foolish then to ignore our greatest need, brushing it aside for something less impactful. Jesus always sees past where we are now, to the place He wants us to be—in Heaven with Him for all eternity.

But back to being His hands and feet. In what ways has He called you to step in and actively meet the needs of others. Some may not have the finances to give money, but can instead offer their help. There are myriad of ways to step in and actively serve your part within the body of Christ. Perhaps the best place to start is to begin really seeing people. This means we not only watch, but listen. Only when we transfer focus from ourselves to others can we begin to see their needs. 

If you're like me, you have a natural fleshly desire toward selfishness. How seldom I give at personal cost to myself. Too many times, I give only after meeting my needs, and also most of the things I want. Because of this selfishness, I often miss the opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus. 

We have a real need in our communities that are the responsibility of Christians to recognize and help meet. Whether it's a financial need, an emotional need, a spiritual need or a need for help, may we be willing to not only notice it, but to do something about it. I think in our moments of true generosity, Jesus allows us to experience a joy that no material possession can match. When we fulfill our purpose as believers, we fill ourselves with blessing. May we all be sensitive to the needs of others and actively pursue our purpose within the body of Christ.

Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it (1 Corinthians 12:27, ESV).

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain (1 Corinthians 15:58, ESV).

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them (Ephesians 2:10, ESV).

For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many (Mark 10:45, ESV)."

Dear Heavenly Father, give us eyes that see, and ears that hear. Then Lord, may we be willing to push aside our own selfishness and step in to be Your hands and feet. In Your name we pray, Amen!