I wasn't always so understanding of other people's problems. In fact, I would've been quick to notice it and shake my head in bewilderment. Troubled teens? You probably didn't discipline them enough. Isn't it true that many times the most judgmental people about your parenting, often don't even have children? A bad marriage? Date nights, looking your best, and having fun together should take care of the problem. How ridiculous and naive I was about that one- I never saw it coming until the day it happened to me.
The least compassionate people you know likely have suffered very little in their lives. Some people seem to cruise through life with very few serious knock-downs. I'm not one of those people, and in many ways, I am thankful. When my life was characterized by what appeared to be God's favor over me, I was shallow, judgmental and cynical at best. And when my life plunged into various painful trials, God's favor wasn't removed- He was simply taking my heart of stone, and making it soft and pliable.
There won't come a day when I hear of someone miscarrying a baby, that I won't hurt for them. Having been there twice, I can offer understanding sympathy. When I was stuck in a period of infertility, it was truly a painful, frightening place to be. All I ever wanted was to be a mom, and the thought that it may never happen was deeply discouraging. I am so blessed that God gave me my son and daughter, and because of those previous losses, I appreciate my kids on a different level. I'm grateful for opportunities I've been given to show compassion and understanding for those suffering similar losses. This was one area of my heart being softened, but God wasn't finished with me yet.
The biggest example of heart softening in my life thus far, has been in my marriage. I see it in so many- and I used to be one of them. It won't ever happen to us, I would say. I was naive and clueless when it comes to the workings of Satan. If you're married, don't ever doubt it could happen to you, but do make your commitment a very serious point of consideration. Marriage takes work, and just as any goal we have, in order for us to see it through, we will have to put in the effort on both sides. I assumed we would always be okay and that, dear friend, was a dangerous assumption.
Our marriage fell apart in the fall of 2017. And because it did, I've been given a platform- my writing, even this blog, is all part of that. God has given me a unique opportunity to share my journey through infidelity to reach others. In the process, He has softened my heart to not only broken marriages, but broken hearts in general. We have a choice when we face painful valleys- become cynical and unhappy, or allow God to use us to reflect His Son through our brokenness. If we choose the latter, we will live life with a greater compassion for the hurting and lost.
If you've been called to suffer trials that have left you wounded and sad, I pray that you'll allow God to use them for good. My hope for you is that you'll reach out to others who understand your pain and show them the healing power of our Savior. While God doesn't relish in your pain, He can use it to soften you and give you a more compassionate heart. Ask God to place people in your path that need you, and when they come along, show them an understanding, compassionate heart- you have great power to assist others in healing from what almost broke you, had it not been for Jesus. Not everyone is able to help them, but God in His wisdom and love prepared you for this day and this person- don't miss it!
Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, Colossians 3:12 (ESV)
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 1 Peter 3:8 (ESV)
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15 (ESV)
If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:3 (ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, don't let us miss out on using our own life experiences to show a compassionate and understanding heart to those who need us. We learned compassion from You, and we desire to imitate Your ways in our lives. Thank You for the trials that softened our hearts to the pain of others. In Your name, we pray, Amen!
I was at the airport the other day, and a touching scene played out before me. I don't know the back story, but what I saw made my eyes tear up a little. There was a little boy holding balloons with an older couple. A woman, whom I believe was his mother, walked in the airport and they flew into each other's arms. The mom had tears running down her face, and the boy kept looking up at her with a huge smile. A homecoming, played out right there in the airport, as I watched with a teary smile. That little homecoming brought out a memory of my own- a wonderful, happy memory that still brings me so much joy!
It was a cold January, Monday night, earlier this year, and I was waiting at home for a visitor. Not just any visitor, a very special one- my husband. He didn't used to be a visitor- he used to live here, but in this period of time, he did not. We had just gone through a little over a year of absolute turmoil. An affair had wrecked our marriage, and seriously damaged my heart. But on this night, the worst of it was behind us. A few days earlier, God had reached the heart of my husband in the most miraculous way, and the result was spiritual restoration. This story wouldn't have happened without God's intervention; I know that in the very depths of my heart.
I had no doubt that this time we were finally headed in the right direction, and while I was nervous for him to show up at our home, I was also very excited. I was excited because this was a homecoming of sorts- my husband was coming back to me! The lies, betrayal and deceit were behind us, and the present moment of this day was an incredible gift, because both of us knew how close we came to losing it all. Most of what we said, and what happened that Monday night is a treasure we share between only the two of us- a precious, tender blessing. But what I can tell you is that when he got out of his car, I was in the garage waiting, and what followed was the most touching scene of my entire life. Tears, hugging, prayers of thanksgiving to God, talking, and a love bigger than any love I've ever yet felt for him, were all components of that special evening. While Satan had hoped to destroy us- God stepped in and turned it all around! Sometimes I wonder why He gave me such an incredible gift, and yet He opens my eyes daily to what He plans to do with it. This was a healing homecoming- two hearts being knit back together after being torn apart.
I know another homecoming awaits me- one I look forward to with anxious anticipation. I can get pretty caught up in living, and I think it's something we naturally do. But while I'm here, I am living short of the very best homecoming I'll ever be a part of. One day, when my family and friends say goodbye to me, I'll be experiencing the most wonderful welcome of all time- Jesus will be welcoming me home! Sin and pain will be behind me, and only good things ahead! No more bad days. No more death. No more sickness or heartaches or worry. Safe in the arms of my Savior- forever home! And while my heart warms with the scene from the airport, and more so over the story that unfolded with my own dear husband, they are mere glimpses of what awaits me. One day, we'll never say goodbye again. We will finally be home at last. I hope to see you there- there is no place better than our heavenly home!
But, as it is written, "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him"- 1 Corinthians 2:9 (ESV)
In my Father's house are many rooms. If It were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? John 14:2 (ESV)
But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, Philippians 3:20 (ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, we look with anticipation to Your second coming to take us home. While we love our earthly homes, and the joys we experience here, we know they pale in comparison to what awaits us in heaven. Until we are home, may we have the courage to share the way to heaven with others. In Your precious name we pray, Jesus, Amen!
having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a
sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure
heart, 1 peter 1:22 (esv)
It was a busy morning- the kind of morning where you take a quick shower and put your wet hair up and throw on gym clothes. I had some errands to run and needed to stop by the store for a couple things while I was out. I usually take the extra time to dry and style my hair, but not today. While I was wandering around Walmart, I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen for years. I was tempted to dart around the aisle and escape, considering my look for the day, but I wasn't fast enough. I made excuses for my appearance and wished they had seen me on my better days.
Conversation catch up was light, including only the good things going on in our lives. We shared about our kids, where we lived, our spouses, and where we went to college. We smiled, and did our best to make the conversation one that was neat, clean, and tidy. Because that's what we feel the most comfortable with, isn't it? Can you imagine bumping into an acquaintance and actually telling them the truth about life? They would likely want to make a quick escape and even possibly feel sorry for me, if I were honest.
Why do we feel the need to present the best version of ourselves to others? Are we afraid of being vulnerable and messy? Why do we put on the show that we live in a pain-free, perfect world? Why can't I be real with other people, letting them know that life has had its rough moments, without shame or embarrassment? The honest answer to that question unsettles me, because it points to one word- pride!
We often get wrapped up in being polished. We want the best clothes, good hair, pretty nails, and a nice ride- I'm no exception. I like to look my best, and be my best. Some days, I can almost pull it off, but most days, I'm messy. I don't necessarily mean on the outside as much as I mean inside of me. I say dumb things. I hurt people's feelings. I forget to pay attention to the person that feels left out. I make "mom mistakes." I gossip, even though I know it's wrong. I snap at my husband. I nag my kids. The truth is, the outside of me may look just fine, but the inside of me can be ugly.
Jesus isn't afraid of my mess. I may try to hide it from people, but I know God sees the truth of me. I can't fool Him with a polished exterior- scripture even tells us that God doesn't look on the outward appearance, He looks at our hearts. I may have it all together on the outside, but be falling apart on the inside- emotionally and spiritually. That's been true for me, more days than I care to recall. Hard days where pain, fear and insecurity were crippling me on the inside, yet I try to present a version of myself that isn't faulty. I'm thankful for those who really know me and can see past the facade. And I'm thankful that God loves me despite my failures.
God has been working to remove the polished me, and replace me with a more authentic version of myself. I'm beginning to accept my imperfections, knowing God will use them in ways I never imagined. Being open about our messes, opens doors. I see the old me in so many others, especially Christians, that are still hiding. They have the outward appearance that everything is just perfect, yet inside, they're falling apart. I want to hug them and tell them it's okay to take off the mask and share their burdens. Are you afraid, friend, of sharing your heart- mess and all? I pray that God reminds me daily to have compassion for those who are brave enough to be vulnerable and open up, and that He gives me insight and wisdom to know when someone is hiding. Let's be genuine in a world full of knock-offs. God intends for us to be honest and real- may He give me the courage to live my imperfect life, and help me use my experiences to help others who may also be struggling. God loves "messy me", and He loves you too. No matter what.
It was a cool December day, and I remember it all too well. Something was wrong in my marriage, and I felt weighed down with anxiety. Something wasn't right, and for the first time in my 24 1/2 year marriage, I felt very fearful. My husband's location did not match what he had verbally told me, and that's all it took to make that sick feeling way down in the pit of my stomach. It wasn't a fear you could easily hide, no, my face said it all! I couldn't act normal, instead, I felt on the verge of hysteria. In that moment, I desperately needed God, yet it was almost too much to comprehend, let alone pass it on to Someone more capable, as crazy as that now sounds.
Even this past weekend, I felt that awful familiar feeling of dread once again. A warm, relaxing Saturday shower was my current agenda, followed by a day of household chores and some baking. As I dried off and checked my phone, a text thread between my siblings grabbed my attention. It's not an easy piece of news to swallow hearing that the woman who cared for me, supported and loved me for all of my 49 years, was being rushed to the ER for a suspected stroke. Fear again- an awful enemy that the devil uses to derail us, and shift our faith from God, to helplessness.
I thank God for His willingness to be an intimate part of my life. Not only as an observer, but an integral help and support system that I can't imagine living without. God calls us to faith- faith that He is able to handle all of the awful, and not so awful circumstances of our lives. While I know that in theory, it's often hard to recall when I receive crushing news. I am guilty of feeling panic first, until I remember that isn't His way for me.
How do you respond to bad news, a serious illness or even suspicions? Do you feel immediately fearful? Does anxiety get the best of you, like it often does for me? It's true, that some news you'll receive, will forever change your life. Some news means an end to an earthly relationship with someone we dearly love. Some news means my own life is in jeopardy. In those moments, it's naturally hard not to feel panicked, yet God wants us even then, to trust Him and lean on Him for stability and help. But too often, it's a process for me- panic first, try to re-gain some sort of control I actually don't even possess, and then remember that God is available to help me through the good and the bad.
My marriage did fall apart from infidelity, but thank God that wasn't the end of our story! God is restoring our marriage one day at a time. And my sweet mom? She is recovering at home with only minor evidence of the TIA she was diagnosed with. Sometimes, the answers from God are really good ones, but sometimes, things don't work out the way we desperately longed for. Even then, God asks us to trust Him. It doesn't mean we won't feel hurt and heartbroken- He understands that we will. But even on those harder days, He is working out a story that involves all of us- saved or lost. We are all a piece to a puzzle of ultimate redemption, and while some of the working together of the pieces causes us heartache and pain, the finished product is exactly as it should be- a perfect picture revealing the glory of God. So in these days of living and learning, gains and losses, God is reminding me often of how I really need Him. He's tenderly calling out to me, "Ruth- just trust Me, I won't ever leave you!" So when my heart gives in to fear, my prayer is that I'll remember He calls me to something infinitely better than panic- faith that He will see me through.
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV)
I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4 (ESV)
The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe. Proverbs 29:25 (ESV)
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 (ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, how often I'm guilty of fear before faith. I pray that each day, I'll be reminded of Your perfect ability to handle the things that are too big for me. I confess that when things are really painful, it seems difficult to trust it's all known to You, and permitted to happen. Help me especially in those times, to remember Your faithful love toward me, and how You long to walk me through the fire, carrying me safely through. In Your precious name I pray, Jesus, Amen!
I'm going to guess that most couples speak their love in different ways. Dr. Gary Chapman teaches about five love languages—ways we demonstrate our love for our spouse. Some give their time, so the language they speak to show their love is quality time. Some are very touchy people—they show their love by touches, hugs, kisses, and sexual intimacy. Some love to give gifts—they shower their spouse with flowers, jewelry, shoes, golf clubs, candy or whatever he/she loves the most. Their language is giving gifts. Then we have those who like to do things for their spouse—they pick up the kids, vacuum the carpet, run to the store, fix the leaky faucet, or any number of ways to lend a helping hand. These are people who speak love in forms of service. Last, we have those who say the good stuff—they shower with compliments, offer praise, speak thankfulness and affirm through their words that they love you.
Since opposites attract, our primary love language is likely not going to match up with our spouse. While learning the language of your spouse is of value, what if they just don't? What if you long to be loved in the same way you speak love? Are you unloved if your spouse is trying to show their love by vacuuming for you, when you show yours by giving him back rubs and kisses? The answer is no, but it can unsettle us when their language doesn't match our needs.
I'm going to be honest here—my husband and I don't speak the same love language. He shows his love by spending time with me and doing things for me. I show my love for him by my words. I'm comfortable with words and don't mind speaking what's on my heart. He's comfortable sitting beside me and enjoying time spent together. Do I long for flowery speech and mushy notes? Of course I do, and sometimes he does fall onto my planet of affirming words. But on days when they don't come, what then? Did he forget how to love me?
I think it's important to look for love in any healthy form that it's offered. It's wise to know the different ways love is expressed and accept that sometimes, it's spoken in ways we don't use to express it ourselves. I could choose to feel unloved when I am not hearing things like, "you are my world—the best thing that ever happened to me." Or, "you're the most beautiful woman." And if I make that choice, I'm missing the love he is speaking into the countless hours he puts aside to spend with me—eating a meal out, riding around running errands, asking me to accompany him on business trips, or even just hitting our local gym together. And I could also miss his love when he works long hours to provide for me to have a really comfortable life.
Are there ways your spouse is speaking love to you that you may be missing? Are you guilty of feeling unloved or unappreciated because they speak love differently than you? I know I have been guilty of that. Rather than feeling discouraged and disappointed, start looking for ways your spouse is trying to demonstrate their love to you. I think you may be surprised at how much love they are showing that you may be missing because you are waiting for something more familiar—your language. If your spouse learns your language and speaks it fluently, that's great. But if they do not, don't assume you aren't valued and loved. God creates some of us with the gift of words, some affectionate, and some with hearts that want to please with their helping hand. He makes us all different—we will always be a blend of two very different people learning to love in our own unique way.
Satan wants us to be unsatisfied with our spouse. He wants marriages to fail. He wants us to feel unloved and unhappy with what we have. He loves discontentment—it's where he begins to dismantle our marriages. He speaks lies promising something much better—much more pleasing than your own spouse. Don't listen to him. Instead, love your spouse selflessly. Don't expect them to meet your every need—only God can do that. And often when we love the way God loves us, without expectations, we will receive love in ways that will humble us, encourage us, and open our eyes to the gift we've been given in our spouse. My prayer today, is that you find you've been loved all along, even when the language is foreign to you.
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7 (ESV)
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. John 13:34 (ESV)
We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19 (ESV)
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 (ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, it can be easy to complain and feel unloved when our spouse doesn't speak our love language. Help us rather than feel disappointed and unloved, to look for ways they may be speaking love differently than we do. And always help me remember the perfect love You have for me. In Your name I pray, Jesus, Amen!
Let me introduce you to the "high school me". I'll grow up and travel the world. I'll be a travel agent and marry later, after I get my business established. I'll be a mom- 3 or 4 kids. I'll be successful, forever thin, and live a happy, carefree life. I'll find time to spend with God, and manage to make an impact on other's lives. I'll stay healthy. I'll marry a perfect guy. Blah, blah, blah- how unrealistic I was.
Goals are good, and I encourage them in others- specifically my children and myself. But while it's true that goals are good, and having a future vision important, it's also true that things often don't go as we planned. I'm living proof of this statement, because I'll now introduce you to "grown up me". I did graduate with a bachelor's degree- in social work/sociology. I am not a travel agent, but I sure like to travel. I am blessed to have two children after the loss of two pregnancies. I didn't foresee those losses, and they sure were painful. I am usually in need of losing ten pounds- sometimes more. There have been times when I didn't feel close to God, usually because I allowed too much extra stuff to crowd Him out. And I did marry a great guy- he's perfect for me, but we've had our struggles. One of the biggest unplanned life events we faced together, was infidelity. That wasn't supposed to be on my agenda- but it was.
The truth is, we usually have detours- life experiences that we never expected to be a part of our story. We wouldn't ever choose these painful parts of our story, but oftentimes, we need them. I know I do. Had I lived that high school version of myself, I wouldn't be where I am today! I wouldn't have experienced God's love, grace and mercy to the extend that I have, and frankly, that would be a loss. Losing pregnancies made me appreciate my children. Losing my husband, made me appreciate a restored marriage. Losing weight would also be cool, but hey, you can't have it all;)
How we handle our detours is crucial in our spiritual walk with our Father. We may not have planned those detours, but He knew they would be a part of our journey. He equips us to handle them. He gives us what He can handle, not what we can handle on our own. We are supposed to learn things from our trials. We are supposed to grow. We should learn more about who He is. And our goal should be to become more like Jesus- humble, compassionate, loving, forgiving and kind. Sometimes we may become shocked and alarmed at the way our story goes, and struggle to understand the "why". When we stay locked in that place, we won't experience the growth God wants for us through those bends in the road. We won't know Him better, and we won't be more like Him.
If you're walking through a detour right now, wondering why, try to shift your focus. Instead, think of ways God will use this detour to point others to Him. Allow His strength to be witnessed in your own walk, so that others may desire to know the Source of that strength. Don't allow Satan to trip you up, blaming God for your hardships. While God doesn't relish the pain you're experiencing, He does want to use it for His glory. Life often doesn't turn out the way we thought it would. But when it doesn't, our response to the detour has great power. May God help us to illuminate His light through the dark bends in the road, and that others may want to know Him, through our own walk through the valley.
Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit."- yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. James 4:13-14 (ESV)
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock. Isaiah 26:3-4 (ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, help me to allow You to handle the bumps in the road that feel too big for me. May I not become full of anxiety, wishing to quickly make it to safer ground, without really experiencing how You work in those detours. Help me to trust You when my world takes a painful spin, and to know You will bring me through. Help me be a living witness of what You have done for me. In Your name I pray, Jesus, Amen!
