Lord, Help My Unbelief

Back in my 30's, I experienced a weird list of physical symptoms that left me discouraged, unwell, and simply stumped. From joint pain to strange marks on my skin, to intestinal issues, fatigue and other annoyances, I had no clue what was going on in my body. I saw a few different doctors only to get different diagnoses—none of which treatment ever seemed to help. I began to think others thought I was crazy, but deep in my heart I knew something was wrong with me. 

After years of dealing with these random symptoms, I finally got an infectious disease physician to discover the cause: Lyme disease and related co-infections. I never remember being bitten by a deer tick, but the evidence was present and making me feel miserable. 

During those years of feeling pain, I remember vividly pleading with God for healing, only to be disappointed that the symptoms lingered. I believed He could—I really did, but He chose not to give relief for over a decade. Did this make Him less able, or was my faith being tested?

Unwavering faith in God's ability in any situation is something I wish I could proclaim to have, but I've struggled with doubts before. I've had doubts over the state of my marriage—that God would be able to fix the mess we were in. I've had doubts that various friends or family members would be healed from serious illness. I've doubted my abilities as a mom, and how to handle certain situations. Doubting is not a distant possibility for me—I'm well acquainted with it, sadly. 

Doubt is a lack of trusting God, which on paper, sounds ridiculous. How could I doubt God when He has proved time and again His faithfulness to me? Satan uses these moments in our lives to whisper words of doubt—doubt that God is able to help us since He seems to be doing nothing about our problem presently. 

This brings to mind a story from Mark 9, which involves the father of a son possessed with an evil spirit. The boy had convulsions from this spirit and was unable to speak or to hear. The father had asked the disciples to heal him and they had been unable to so he brought him to Jesus. The man asked Jesus, "if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." Jesus questioned him saying, "if I can? All things are possible for the one who believes." The father then said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" Jesus then healed his son, but only after he believed in Jesus' ability to do so. 

Friends—can you relate to this father? I sure can! Sometimes I know my belief is clouded by fear. I feel He is able, yet my heart still feels doubtful. How I long to perfectly trust Him at all times and in all things! God really is always able, and yet I often need reminders through pain-filled, trust-building life experiences.      

What are you waiting for today? Does it seem impossible? Out of reach and unlikely? It is sometimes difficult to continue to believe God is able when He seems to be silent. These are thoughts I've often wrestled over myself, but waiting is actually good for me—as much as I dislike it. Waiting exercises my trust in the ability of God to do what may seem impossible. On the days when our waiting seems unbearable and the situation seems impossible, we can, like the father in Mark chapter 9, cry out to Jesus with the same words: "Lord, help my unbelief!" 

But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. James 1:6 ESV
And he said to them, "Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? Luke 24:38 ESV
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5 ESV
For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7 ESV

***what we must come to understand is that His ways are higher than our ways. He won't always give what we pray for—even if we believe He can. It's in those circumstances that we must trust His plan for saying "no" has a spiritual purpose greater than our healing.

Mountain Climbing

     I'm not a fan of heights! I've never been interested in scaling tall mountains, and people that do rock climbing?- well, I think they are insane. I hate flying in airplanes, and only do it out of necessity. I can't imagine skydiving when merely looking out the window makes me feel slightly panicked, and definitely vulnerable. When we visited NYC, we decided to take the elevator to the top of Rockefeller Center. As beautiful as the view was, I felt relieved to be safely on the ground floor again. If I'm not on the water, I like my feet on solid ground- low ground. But if I look at my life as a climb, I'm way up in the clouds.
     Looking at life as a climb gives us a good mental picture of where we are, but it also gives us an awesome visual of how far we have come. For each moment in each day, we take a step higher- not able to see what is ahead. Some days, I wasn't sure I could keep climbing and stumbled along the journey. I felt tired and uncertain.  Miscarriage and infidelity seemed insurmountable. What was in front of me seemed too painful to continue forward, but with the help of the Leader of my Path, I desperately grabbed His hand and followed. I know this to be absolutely true: Jesus gives us strength for the climb. 
     Take a moment to think of your own mountain. Look behind you. What do you see? What have you come through that seemed impossible? The older I get, more of my mountain is behind me and a shorter journey lies ahead. It can cause feelings of fear and doubt looking ahead, not knowing what we will encounter in our tomorrows. Because we can't see it, it can unsettle us. But what I am being taught through the harder times, is that I don't have to know what's ahead. The reality is that God knows, and this wonderful truth relieves me from carrying the burden of uncertainty. Whatever lies ahead, I know He will meet me there. 
     Some of life's knocks are hard. They leave us fearful, angry, jaded and even bitter. As Christians, we weren't promised an easy climb. A world touched by sin has left it broken. We can't escape painful experiences, and honestly, if we could, we would be shallow, with little evidence to show Who we belong to. No, we don't know what is ahead, but there isn't any reason for fear when we are being led by our Heavenly Father. So grab a hold of His hand, and allow Him to lead you higher, knowing He is fully capable of handling the ruts along the way. Going sideways or refusing to walk forward will never allow us to get to our mountaintop peak. The way can be hard, but the view at the top is breathtaking, and I don't want to miss it!

And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it." when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Isaiah 30:21 ESV
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105 ESV
The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand. Psalm 37:23-24 ESV
The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for faithfully guiding me along life's journey. I can't see what is ahead, but I look in awe behind me. Lord, You've led me through many difficult bends in the road, but I kept moving forward because You gave me the strength to take another step. Whatever is ahead, may I look to You for help and direction. In Your precious name I pray, Amen!

Forgiving Me

     It's a little weird how we are wired, isn't it? I set different standards for myself than I do for others, and I bet you do too! I've forgiven others for a long list of hurts against me. I've forgiven lies, physical assaults, hurtful words, betrayal, theft, and adultery. When I say I have forgiven those things, I really mean it- it isn't forgiveness if I'm keeping track and holding on to a grudge over it. But when it comes to my own hurtful words or actions, they plague my mind for a very long time. Why does it sometimes feel easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves? I have figured out the answer for me, but first let's look at a story from about 8 years ago.
     Most days, I would say I'm a pretty decent mom. I passionately love my kids. They were a true gift after a battle with infertility, and I feel blessed to be their mom in many ways. But teenagers can get to the best of us- especially smart-mouthed teenagers. One day, my son had pushed about every button he knew to push with me. While I am a firm believer in proper spankings, I have never crossed the line. But this particular day, I punched my son in the arm. To be honest, I doubt that it really hurt him physically, but I knew it was inappropriate and uncharacteristic to my usual parenting style. Did I apologize? I most certainly did. Did he forgive me? Absolutely. Did I forgive myself? Well- that took some time, for sure. 
     Inside the best Christian, is the same human rot that plagues each one of us- sin! I'm no less prone to it than the next person. I am going to mess up. I am going to make mistakes. I am going to hurt people with my words and actions because even though I am a Christian- I'm still battling my flesh. But what I've discovered is something that further exposes my weaknesses. When I struggle to forgive myself, it's because my pride hurts that I'm less than perfect. I may expect weakness and failure in others, but am shocked when it springs forth from my own behavior. 
     When I have sinned, there are three parties needing an apology from me. The one(s) I hurt, God, and myself. In turn, each should forgive a sincere apology. We know God will, we hope they will, and it's in our own power to truly forgive ourselves. While we may not apologize formally to ourselves, we can set ourselves free from the guilt of the offense, knowing we are forgiven (provided we apologized). People often ask us about forgiveness regarding our own journey through infidelity. We both will tell others that it is often more difficult to forgive ourselves, than it is to forgive our spouse. Forgiving behavior, choices, and words that divided us, is tough- but accepting forgiveness for our own wrongdoings is a choice we must make in order to move forward in a healthy way. Learning to forgive- even ourselves- is a pattern we learn by the way our Heavenly Father forgives us. True forgiveness sets us free- and that needs to start with me! Whatever you've done, it's never too late to make it right. Apologize, then let it go. God has given us freedom in releasing our sin, knowing His blood covers it all! Release yourself today from the guilt of the past, knowing He covered it all. Today is a new day- let's go forward with a clean conscience and a fresh perspective!

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 ESV
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1 ESV
I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD," and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah Psalm 32:5 ESV
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, Romans 3:23 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to truly let go of the sins of my past. Help me to set myself free from the chains of guilt regarding past choices, actions, and words that hurt You, and others. Help me to be forgiving in nature to others that hurt me, but also to myself. Thank You for shedding Your precious blood that covered each one of my sins, setting me free from Your righteous judgment! In Your precious name I pray, Amen!

The Beauty of Scars

     I have an aunt whose face tells a story. Her sweet face, once very similar to my father's, is now full of scars. Years ago, she was in a very serious car accident and suffered multiple injuries to her face, resulting in scarring and a changed appearance. What you can't see, are the emotional scars- scars on her heart after losing her husband in that accident to a drunk driver on Valentine's Day. Yet one of the most beautiful features she possesses, is her positive attitude and bright smile. My aunt is a strong woman in many ways for what she has experienced in her life, and how she persevered with the strength of God.
     The older I get in life, the more drawn I am to scarred people. We easily spot the ones with physical scars, but emotional scars are revealed with more information. Whether it's the death of a loved one, sickness, parenting a wayward child, past addictions, caring for an elderly parent, infidelity, or other trials, these are people who are carrying around wisdom earned through their unseen scars. Just because we can't see the presence of them on their bodies, makes them no less real. 
     I have a friend, who in the darker days of our marital journey through the affair, gave me a gift. The gift was a beautiful stained-glass heart. On careful examination, you can see that the heart has a seam through the middle with iron stitch marks over the seam. She knew my heart had been broken, but she also knew that in time, it would heal. In the place of that break, a scar would develop as the break would seal together again. I remember holding that heart, wishing to speed the process of those "stitches", yet God has shown that His timing is purposeful, and ultimately good. Today, I have that beautiful red, glass heart hanging on the wall in my kitchen, where I can be reminded that yes- I was broken, but today, I'm full of some stitches, and receiving more!
     Society tends to shy away from scars. We feel uncomfortable looking at the physical effects of those who have endured extreme pain, yet survived. Burn victims show a vivid picture of how susceptible our bodies are to injury. Yet the person is still there- just the same, but with scars. Don't be afraid to be a friend to scarred people. The only difference is that they journeyed through some painful circumstances, yet here they are today! Scars are beautiful, as they are the mark of a survivor. They also are people who have learned to find strength in something or Someone greater than themselves. 
     I have many scars that you can't see, and I bet you have some too! The loss of two pregnancies left some pretty painful ones in my spirit. No parent has raised their children without gaining a few either- we all make mistakes and have our struggles. And infidelity. It left a pretty painful scar you would never know about if I chose to hide it. How many around us are hurting? We may never know if we don't take time to really know them. If they are scarred, they likely have some wisdom to offer. And remember that scars aren't ugly, they are proof that we lived through something difficult. May all of us scarred people have the courage to share our experiences, and the valuable lessons we learned through them. And my prayer is that you would each know my Heavenly Father, who has carried me through each painful experience and in the process, is making me more like Him. He is full of scars too, but His are for me and for you- and those scars make Him so beautiful, for they bought our freedom!

See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Touch me, and see. For a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have." Luke 24:39 ESV
But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:5 ESV
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. 1 Peter 2:24 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, give us eyes that are compassionate towards those who have scars. And give us courage to share ours with others, and the wisdom we gained through acquiring them. May I use my scars to point others to You- the One Who bears the scars of the cross. The marks on Your body bought my freedom, and I thank You for paying such a great cost. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!