So, What Next?

     What a journey this has been, blogging our story. What blows me away is when it all began, it was so different than where we ended up. I started this journey with a broken heart and little hope at restoration, and look what God did! It's our miracle story, and one I will always be grateful for and humbled by. We made friends along the way- you know who you are. So many of you wrote words of support, love and encouragement. For those who did, you'll never know how much that meant to me. For those who liked and shared and commented- thank you! You guys were the ones that kept me going when I didn't always feel like it! 
      While it may seem our story has come to an end, in reality- it's just starting, and we feel so blessed. I am not leaving my blog site or website, but our posts will now only be once a week. I will share old posts on occasion to reach new readers who may be freshly beginning their infidelity journey. Occasionally, I will blog more about our life as we go, but I will primarily share relationship posts and updates on my devotional book release expected later this year. Many of you encouraged me to seek publishing, and because of your support, my dream is becoming a reality. Thank you so much for that; we can't wait to see what God has for us through writing and sharing our story with others. 
     To my parents- your support in my writing has been such a blessing to me. You each read daily, comment, and personally encouraged me each time I saw you! I love you both so much, and I'm so grateful for your help and support. To those who emailed me regarding your own marriage battle, don't think for a minute that we will stop praying for you! You are the reason we wrote each day, and we are so thankful you are sharing your story with us. To my kids- thank you for allowing yourselves to be interjected into my posts. You guys are my rock stars, and have been by my side each step of the way! To those who pray for us- you have no idea how much that means to us! Without God's intervention, my life story would be very different today. To my little brother who shares my Twitter post EVERY SINGLE DAY, thanks, D:) To my sister and her husband- your therapy dinners out with us are some of our most favorite times. To my sister-in-law- you were seriously such a lifeline to me and I'll treasure you always! To my family and friends who fought this battle with us each day- I love you from the bottom of my heart. 
     And then there is my husband. You always had my heart, no matter what. My eyes tear up thinking of what we have come through, but in the end- you chose me all over again. I'm honored to share life with you, and I'll always be your biggest fan. You are the reason for the sparkle in my eyes, and the light in my smile. Thank you for loving me, for all you do for me, and for allowing God to change your heart. I believe with everything in me that our best years are ahead of us, and I can't wait to see the blessings God has for us. I love you forever and always!
     Last, but most precious, is the love and faithfulness of my Jesus. I love this  name, for it was Jesus Who experienced life in this world, yet never sinned. He never hurt anyone, He never turned His back on anyone- He was human, yet perfect and holy. And what a precious name He was given- One Who would save His people from their sins, and I'm so thankful that included me. Without His hand in my life, I would be lost, empty and hopeless. His care for me is such a wonderful gift, and He cared so much for my marriage, that He reached down and rescued it. Jesus, I will forever love You, and look forward to serving You for all eternity. Thank You, Lord, for Your grace, mercy and love, and for giving me more than I could ever ask or imagine. 
     Thank you all again for sharing by reading- and the many other ways you showed you cared. May each of you experience God's best in your lives, and may you truly know Him and live to serve Him. Putting Him first will always be the wisest choice and will lead you to His best ever story for you. My heart is touched by all of you- some known to me, and some I don't know. Please share our website with any who may need it- theselightafflictions.com. You're always welcome to contact us through FB or email- roomcdonald@bellsouth.net. God bless you all!
Love, Ruth

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:18-19 ESV
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." Lamentations 3:22-24 ESV
He has made everything beautiful in its time. Ecclesiastes 3:11a ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for each reader and their support and encouragement. I pray that our story helps others who are hurting and struggling through their own story of infidelity. Open doors You want us to walk through and lead us away from closed doors- and give us the faith and wisdom to know the difference. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Settling In

     There has been a lot of activity and hype surrounding our world for the past couple months. Good things, new things, and things that kept us busy and focused on plans we made together. We had my husband's amazing deliverance. We began spending time together again and dating. We planned his return home and our vow renewal celebration. We went on a cruise to celebrate our new beginning. We started counseling together. I have my very first book in editing with a publisher and expected release later this year. And now- life resumes to a new normal, and what's that like?
     Well, I can tell you it isn't less busy. Life demands are still what they were- business busyness, commitments, writing, housework, church responsibility, family needs, and the list goes on. With a lot of the big stuff behind us, we now settle into this new season together- recommitted, and a little less crazy. Yes, life keeps us busy, but we don't want to lose the insight we gained from the past year and a half. I think one of the biggest lessons learned is learning to appreciate today. We've learned to see each step forward as a gift, one we don't take for granted. We try not to focus too much on yesterday, because the past can't be rewritten. And honestly, the past made for a better present, which is the best way I know to look at it.
     We have goals. Goals to keep the lines of communication open. Goals to stay spiritually grounded. Goals to make each other a priority and spend time together each week as a couple. We want to explore life together- travel, study, build our businesses, learn more about one another. We want to build up our family and treasure these last years with kids home as well as look ahead at building our life around our empty nesting selves. We want to share our story with the world through our website, blogging and my book release this fall. We hope to help others that are hurting and in need of an understanding ear. And we want to share the best gift we have with those we encounter- our Faithful, Wonderful Heavenly Father. 
     The road to marriage recovery isn't short, and we know there will be obstacles ahead. Some days will be much easier than other days, but with a commitment to stick it out, talk it out, and serve one another, we believe in "us". Our foundation must be Jesus- the Author of grace, forgiveness and love. Please continue to pray for us as we press ahead, knowing our God is going to carry us through the good and the bad. And as we have each day since January 5th, we thank Him for His redemption of our marriage. Friends- never doubt the goodness of our God, for we can say with assurance, "God is good and His mercy endures forever!"

So that they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." Matthew 19:6 ESV
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12 ESV
And the LORD restored the fortunes of Job, when he had prayed for his friends. And the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before. Job 42:10 ESV
"For there is hope for a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that its shoots will not cease. Job 14:7 ESV
I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for being a Redeemer. You redeem lost souls, yes- but You also redeem marriages in ruin from sin. We look to You to guide us in all that is ahead, trusting You to lead us to Your good and perfect plan for us. In Jesus' precious name, Amen!






     

Renewing Our Vows

     When adultery assaults a marriage, the marriage is broken. Vows made before God were not kept, and while still married, that marriage is in ruin. Hearts are shattered, promises broken, and lives are changed. Looking behind us, we saw it all, and somehow survived it by God's grace. There were days I was sure I wouldn't pull through, and longed to run far away (seriously, I did..the tropics were calling me, but my kids needed me more). But here we were- products of God's amazing grace. This called for a celebration- one where we made new promises before God, our closest family, and our wonderful kids. 
     The morning of February 9th arrived- cold and sunny. A day much anticipated, and full of hope! We stood in front of one another speaking new vows- ones we had written ourselves and made fresh promises. While we had made promises 25 years earlier, these promises came with a lot more living under our belts, and a better grasp of what we were saying and Who had brought us through our toughest battle.  
     Tears were shed, new rings were exchanged,  and hugs and kisses were shared. We felt pure joy at what God has given us- a fresh focus on our gift in one another! Sharing this moment with our children and family members was so special. Each one of them had shared in our battle, and had prayed and loved us through it. It was fitting to have each of them there for this special occasion. 
     I used to find it amusing that so many people renew their vows after years pass. For me, ours were never broken and didn't need a re-do. But when an affair presented in our marriage, renewing our vows was important and gave closure to what we had experienced. Marriage is a blessing, and there is nothing like sharing life with your spouse. Ups and downs, highs and lows- always knowing someone is beside you, there for you, and supporting you. What Satan meant to steal from us, God saw fit to restore. While adultery is a real issue in today's marriages, the same God Who reached in and saved ours is available to all who simply come to Him. No matter if your problem is marriage related or personal- He's there, and I know He is dear friend, because in the darkest of times, He's revealed Himself to me in ways that amaze me. 

I'm including some of the words to a song that I played often during the past year:
I know the night won't last
Your word will come to pass
My heart will sing Your praise again
Jesus, You're still enough
Keep me within Your love
My heart will sing Your praise again.

Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I'm still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed me yet

I've seen You move, come move the mountains
And I believe, I'll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I'll see You do it again.             - Elevation Worship "Do it Again"

And guess what? He did :)

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for Your faithfulness to us- for moving mountains! While the night is behind us, we know life will present new challenges and we pray that each day, we rely on Your strength to see us through. Thank You for making a way when there was no way! You have never failed us yet, and we know You never will. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Home Again

     A lot happened in the month my husband was away after he left the second time in late December. Much of it has been included in our blog posts, and some will be held in our hearts for just us. If you read my husband's deliverance story, you remember how I had emptied his side of the closet and packed his things up. It wasn't to be cruel, it was to save my heart from seeing his things multiple times a day, but not seeing him. So I can tell you this- when we filled it back up with his clothing, shoes, hats, and belts, I felt such joy and such a sense of relief. 
     As soon as he was home, we started out doing the things we needed to do for us. First- devotion time and prayer time together. We do morning devotions that we send to one another since he's off to work, then we do our bedtime ones together. These are sweet times and I look forward to them. Then- spending time together. We started having one weekend night a week that we go out with either just the two of us, or another couple. We love these times and it's a great way to connect and unwind from the busyness of the week. 
     Family time is important too. We love a rare evening when we are all home together or a weekend night when we can all have a meal together. Rebuilding our family is a priority as well, and while the process isn't quick and easy, we are making a lot of progress. Having their Dad home allows our children to see the changes he has made, and how we are committed to making our recommitment to one another seriously. 
     One of the best things is knowing I am not alone- not as a woman, and not as a parent. Someone is there for me- caring for me and loving me. How I missed having another half- a half that helps my half function so much better. And perhaps one of my favorite parts of all was knowing when we pulled in our driveway, we were both home. No goodbyes, no "text me when you get to your sister's!" No "sleep good" or goodnight kiss in the driveway. God has poured down blessings on us in ways that are miraculous. Thank You, Father, for Your abundant mercy and love towards us- we are humbled and amazed! And as I drift off to sleep each night, I look up towards the sky and whisper words of gratitude to the One Who never let me down. 

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. James 1:17 ESV
And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. John 1:16 ESV
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, Ephesians 1:3 ESV
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly that all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, Ephesians 3:20 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for never giving up on us. We see with eyes that see where we are in the moment, and we often lack faith to see where You will take us. Thank You for sight that sees all, for a mind that knows all, and for a heart that loves all. Thank You for doing more than we could ever ask or imagine, and help us to love and serve You with faithful abandon. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Making Plans

     The more time we spent together, the more we knew things were not only different this time, but right. We were living separately, and we wanted that to change soon. Evening and weekend dates were great, but as a married couple wanting to re-commit and spend forever together, it just wasn't enough. Every time he drove away from our driveway after dropping me off, my heart felt sad and incomplete. And so we began to make some plans.
     Our biggest issue wasn't even about us, but for those who had to "catch up" with our own feelings- namely, our kids and relatives. While we were ready to move forward, we understood it could be a challenge for those closely connected to us. This was a topic we discussed at length in our counseling sessions, yet as adults, we were encouraged to do what was right for our marriage, and in time, others would see what we knew in our own hearts. By spending time with others in our new start together, they would be able to see the changes in us, and in my husband. 
     We wanted to start fresh- new vows, new rings and a new "us". We chose a date for my husband to return home, and we chose a date for renewing our vows. We went to Jared's (because if you don't go there, they can't say "he went to Jared's";) and picked out new rings. We made plans for what we wanted our vow ceremony to look like, and who we wanted to attend. We planned a second honeymoon and we started to get pretty excited for what was ahead. 
     As I've said so many times, our fresh start wouldn't have been possible without the unmistakeable hand of God. He moved in ways that to this day, amaze and humble me. He uses people we may never expect Him to. He uses abilities we didn't know we had. He uses music. He uses conviction of our spirit. He is truly all-powerful and as scripture tells us, there is nothing too hard for Him. It is humbling to know that this Almighty God would care for our marriage and our lives. Who am I, that God should care? His ways are beyond my thinking, and His goodness exceeds my understanding. No matter what is happening in your own life, be assured that He is interested- He is watching, listening and working. There is such an enormous amount of comfort in knowing that the very One that holds the world in His hands, holds me- and He holds you, too! Don't ever lose sight of this One we serve, and how deeply He cares for us!

Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22 ESV
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19 ESV
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world," John 16:33 ESV
Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Matthew 6:26 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for caring about me and for my marriage. Your power is more than I can understand, and apart from it, my marriage would've never had a chance for a fresh start. That You are so interested in my little world is humbling, and yet it's so wonderfully sweet. Each day I am grateful for Your love, and for being one of Your children. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

How to Win Your Husband Back

     I used to wonder when I heard of couples that got back together after an affair, what their secret was. Was it an improved physical appearance that the unfaithful spouse just couldn't resist? Was it the leverage of having history, kids together and a unique understanding of one another? Was there pouting involved or maybe finally standing up for oneself in an aggressive manner? Was it just an obligation, because I never wanted to be an obligation. 
     What ultimately would bring my own husband back to me? I tried quite a few things initially, to my embarrassment. How foolish of me to think I could win my husband back, because that's just the thing- you can't! I know this question will likely be posed to me from hurting people who want to believe their efforts will make the difference, and I will have to tell them what I've learned through our own story. You can try to lose twenty pounds, dye your hair blonde, find an interesting hobby, threaten self-harm- whatever it is you can think up, and it just won't work. 
     One of the biggest lessons I learned is the affair wasn't about me. It wasn't something I could change, and changing myself wouldn't ultimately make the difference. If there were some hidden secret I could share with you, I would certainly share it, but there just isn't. The bottom line is the outcome of my marriage was completely out of my hands, but thank God it wasn't out of His. You may be a prayer skeptic, and if you are, had you walked the past year in my shoes, you would no longer be skeptical. In theory, my marriage was done- finished, over. How I longed for something different, but all I had were prayers and hope that whatever God brought along would be the very best.
     I can tell you this- manipulating, yelling, threatening and being vengeful will not reap good results. Instead, pray for your broken spouse and wait to see what God will do. It isn't a conquest, but it is a battle. I think the thing to remember here is that the battle isn't between you and your spouse- the battle is between your spouse and God. I remember getting to the point where I realized it was not in my hands at all- nothing I could do would make a difference. And in that moment, all I had left was faith- but knowing Who my faith was grounded in made all the difference. Can you win your spouse back, and would you really want to? He says He fights my battles, and so I let Him. 

The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." Exodus 14:14 ESV
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. Mark 11:24 ESV
And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him. 1 John 5:14-15 ESV
If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. John 15:7 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for fighting my battles. Without You, my marriage would have been over- I had no power in its outcome. I thank You for not only hearing our prayers, but faithfully answering them. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Sunday Relationship Post- Doing Things for One Another

     It's the little things that get me. While I get pretty excited about big things he does for me, I also love the little, unexpected gestures. Things like showing up at home with a cookbook someone was selling, because he knows how much I love a good cookbook. And the unlimited carwash package at our local Sam's Fast Wash- I mean, seriously- super excited about that one! I don't like having a dirty car, and I love black cars, so you know my struggle. My husband also is very good at arranging getaways for the two of us. These are special times for the two of us, and is something I really enjoy!
     What little things does your spouse do for you? Do you appreciate the effort and thoughtfulness associated with those simple little actions? It's great to be the recipient of these acts of love, but are we reciprocating? My husband appreciates little favors done for him- things like checking on our landscaping crew and pitching in when it's needed. He always says "thanks" when I grab his cleaning, run by the bank, order him a surprise gift or send him a sweet text. It doesn't take big things to show your love and appreciation for one another- but it does take some sacrifice, thought and a little effort.
     Doing things for one another doesn't have to cost money. A massage, wildflowers from a field, and cleaning their side of the closet are ways to show you care that don't cost a dime. Unexpected selfless actions done for those we love affirm our care for them. If you are on the receiving end, don't forget to say "thank you!" Thoughtful deeds that consistently go unappreciated often cease. Each of us should not only be the recipient of these actions, but should also be carrying them out as well. If you've not been doing well in this department, make an effort to change that, starting today.
     I think of Jesus washing the feet of His disciples- a loving act of service toward those He loved. Jesus taught by example- He showed us we are here to serve others. As Christians, our life shouldn't be self-focused, but others-focused. Why not start with our own spouse? What could you do today to show them loving service? By serving our spouse, we also honor God, and if you ask me, that's a win-win! 

Even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28 ESV
And whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Mark 10:44-45 ESV
Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you." Luke 6:38 ESV
Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. 1 John 3:18 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to serve my spouse and to invest in building up my marriage- not just today, but every day. You left us so many examples of serving others, and showing them kindness. I know Your way is best and I want my marriage to be the best it can be. Help me to start with myself- putting the needs of my spouse ahead of myself and doing things that will show my love for them. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
  
     

What is Written on Yours?

     If you're a Christian, you've probably figured out by now that we aren't exempt from trials and suffering. We didn't get an easy pass as soon as we accepted Him as our Savior. I've heard people say after a tragedy or trial, "and they are even a Christian, and yet it still happened to them" -almost puzzled by it. There are many bonuses to being redeemed, but one of them isn't a cake walk through life.
     I think we are not as shocked by infidelity when it hits the average secular home, yet when it hits the home of a Christian, we often don't get it. It can throw us for a loop when we don't realize that each one of us is clothed in humanity, making none of us immune to sin and the consequences of living in a fallen world. I'm approaching my 50's and I've had my share of tests and trials, and I'm guessing you have as well.
     I was enjoying a scripture that gives us a little comfort in knowing we aren't alone in this "cross bearing" journey we are traveling: "And he said to ALL, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me (Luke 9:23 ESV). If we are followers of Jesus, we will still have our crosses to bear. While we are encouraged to pick it up and keep following Jesus, we are also asked to deny ourselves. This is a tall order for our selfish nature to fill. And so I look at this scripture and apply it to our marital crisis.
     If I can make it a visual application, my cross has "betrayed by infidelity" written on it. But if I look closer, it has many other things written on it as well. Some are the results of others sin against me, and plenty are the result of my own pride and disobedience against God. The words on my cross are painful and shameful, and yet it has my name on it to bear. I can choose to let it lay there on the ground and feel sorry for myself, saying it's too heavy to pick up- that's the easy way. Or, I can look at the encouraging face of my Savior, calling out to me, "Ruth, while this is painful to carry, and really heavy, you can do this through My strength. Don't worry about what others are doing or saying, they have their own cross to carry, just pick it up, and follow Me." 
     Friends, we are called to walk through some tough circumstances, and yet it is within our power to persevere and follow our God, or allow them to defeat us. If infidelity is a part of your story too, what are you going to do with your cross? Yes, it's heavy, and yes, it hurts, but when we follow Jesus, we won't be led down a path of disappointment. While we often think we are entitled to only good things, it's often our cross bearing that will give us our identity in Jesus. How well are you carrying yours? Does it point others to your Source of strength, or do you refuse to deny yourself and let it lay useless on the ground? I won't say I never lay mine down, but when we do, we only need to look to Him to give us the strength to hoist it back up, and keep following our Lord! 

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5 ESV
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, Hebrews 12:1 ESV
For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. Hebrews 10:36 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, how thankful I am that when we are called to carry our crosses, You draw alongside and help and encourage us. Some crosses are heavier than others, but none are too heavy when we allow Your strength to fuel us. Lord, when You call me to follow You through the dark and painful places, may I deny myself, and obediently follow You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Patterns and Rebuilding Trust

     Starting over again is a wonderful gift that only God could've given us. I am thankful each day that we are establishing a new marriage relationship, and not working toward a divorce. Things are brighter, better, and shine with promise. And while there is so much positive stuff going on, the damage from behind us lurks in the mind, and Satan beckons us to listen to his old spiel of garbage. What will we do with what he whispers to us, and how can we make sure we don't buy into his load of bull again?
     If you are the betrayed spouse and find yourself rebuilding a marriage that has been damaged by infidelity, you know the struggles associated with it. Any behavior out of the new norm causes anxious thoughts. There are certain triggers that would cause me to panic, should I see them arise. And even with our best plan to stay focused on the present, our past often calls out to us and tries to derail the progress we are making. 
     Our wonderful marriage counselor has given some great advice on this. Look for patterns, and unless they are there, push away doubts that may try to creep in. In the past, my husband had a clear pattern for behavior associated with infidelity. In the present, none of that behavior exists- therefore, I need to focus on the good that is happening, and refuse to listen to the lies of the devil. When I find my mind going to my old crazy place, I have chosen instead to focus on this scripture, full of hope and encouragement : "Finally brothers (or sisters), whatever is TRUE, whatever is HONORABLE, whatever is JUST, whatever is PURE, whatever is LOVELY, whatever is COMMENDABLE, if there is anything worthy of praise, THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS." (Philippians 4:8 ESV).
     Our mind is a complicated place, full of ideas and thoughts and imaginations. I am learning to train mine to focus on what is true, and not what may happen. There isn't really a better tool I've found for navigating through negative thought patterns, than to focus on the actual truth of this moment. God has used this scripture to re-train my brain from unhealthy places that can get me stuck in negativity from untruths. What a waste of my time and energy it is to stay in those bad places. If you're fighting against thoughts that hold no real truth or legitimacy in your present place, I encourage you to find the help and hope I have found in Philippians 4:8. Each time your mind goes to a place of worry and fear, train it instead, to think on things that are lovely, pure, honorable, just, praise worthy, and true! And in time, I believe with assurance, my brain will figure out it just isn't worth messing with Satan's lies. Our good God gives us all that we need to be successful within His Word! Praise the Lord for not leaving us alone in our struggles, but supplying our every need to be victorious over them!

And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 ESV
Lead me in truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. Psalm 25:5 ESV
Even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you. John 14:17 ESV
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. Psalm 51:6 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for the gift of Your Word, so full of all we need and yet we often struggle. We struggle because we don't use Your Word to give us truth and focus, and I confess that before You, Lord. I thank You for giving the gift of re-training our minds to focus on You and all that You are to us. Help me each day, to remember the power I possess in Your Spirit. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Don't Know what You've Got Until it's Gone

     There's a lot of truth to the title and lyrics of this song by Cinderella. This likely dates me a little- back to the 80's, which was a pretty good decade, to be honest. But just the simple truth in the song title is as real as real gets. For me, I took my life and my marriage for granted, but when faced with the very real possibility of losing my marriage, there was a lot of loss associated with that.
     It's a lot easier, today, to write a blog post on this subject, because I know the outcome of our journey through infidelity. But in reality, there is a lot to be gained in taking stock of whatever stage of life we are living today. Even in those darker months and years, there were life lessons and cultivating that I needed to learn and experience in order to appreciate today. When I think of life without my husband, I realize with clarity, the real sense of loss I faced. 
     Losing my marriage meant losing so much more than just a wedding ring and a last name. It meant losing my life partner- losing the yin to my yang (whatever that even is;). It meant making big decisions on my own and finishing up parenting as separated parents- not united. It meant quiet, lonely evenings and cereal for dinner, because cooking for one is a waste of my time. There was no one to fall asleep with each night, and no one to share all the little details of my day and my life. Who would care for me if I fell ill? What would I do with our family home and how do we separate personal items? There is so much associated with our marriage partner that we don't even realize until we lose it. For those readers whose spouse has died, my heart hurts for you. There is a permanency there that forces one to move forward without their other half, and I'm sure the pain is horrible.
     One of the best lessons to take from each day, and each moment in our journey, is to find the good in where we are. There is always good even in our most difficult moments. I can see the hugs, support, love, and prayers from my dearest friends and family in those dark times, and I see good. I look at how God made His presence so real and so comforting and I praise Him for His goodness. I can see how I was changed for the better through what we experienced. I can see how my husband is a better man because of what God brought us through. I see the good in our marriage today, and how much richer it is from experiencing near loss. Whatever it is you are facing today, I encourage you to see the good, and not just the heartache. It's understandable and easy to wish away these more difficult days, but trust that God is with you in your today, and He will use these moments to make a better "you" than you could ever imagine. Loss makes us appreciate what we do have, and I pray that today, you will find the touches of God in your present, and praise Him for them!

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 ESV
He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, Colossians 1:13 ESV
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27 ESV
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 ESV
This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. Psalm 119:50 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for giving back to me not only what I almost lost, but so much more. That is something only You can do, Father, and I praise You for Your ability to bless us beyond measure. For those who have lost a spouse, I pray for comfort and healing. We are so thankful that no matter what our circumstances, You are with us. You love us with a love we can't understand, and we are so grateful. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Dating my Husband Again

     Remember the feeling of waiting to get picked up by your date? You would get all cleaned up, dressed up, and excited? We first dated before cell phones were a thing- there was no constant communication, and we couldn't FaceTime or Skype. We looked forward to the weekend since we lived 50 minutes apart and lived on our 10:00 pm phone calls (when the rates dropped)! I remember being so excited when I would hear him pulling into our driveway to whisk me away for a couple hours of fun.
     It might seem a little crazy, but love doesn't change. Twenty-five years of marriage went by, followed by a really difficult year. But I can tell you, when he pulled in our driveway for our dates earlier this year, my heart felt like the same teenage-girl that waited for him decades earlier. The wonderful thing is this- our difficult year didn't define us, but it did refine us. I learned to appreciate him in a whole new way. This man wasn't afraid to be vulnerable and honest. He didn't hold back his tears or emotions. I was given a gift to know a better man than I had known before, and I thank God for that each day. My story could've went a whole different way, but I'm glad God chose this path for me- for us.
     While it wasn't easy living apart, it did make the time we had together so special. We knew it was temporary, and looked forward to the day we could live under the same roof again. We talked, we dreamed, we shared, we cried, and we connected in a whole new way. What had been between us before- we learned from it, but it was a part of our past, not our present. We have been given a fresh start to do things better this go round. 
     If you have walked through infidelity in your marriage, you may not have a chance for a fresh start. If that is your story, and you prayed for a different outcome, then I'm so sorry. Being rejected is painful and can't be glossed over. But I would like to encourage you to find your own new beautiful story. While I had come to peace with parting ways with my husband, it was never what I wanted. I am thankful each day for where we are today- growing together and making a beautiful new story. This was truly only a script that God could write, and having Him at our center is key in building something that will last. Some bends in our life journey are really painful places to walk through, but I am so thankful God allows them to make us stronger, wiser, and more like His Son. Thank You, Lord, for giving us fresh starts, and for rescuing us in our darkest moments. And thank You for the light of these new days- days full of hope and love and opportunity!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV
"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:18-19 ESV
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 ESV
And though your beginning was small, your latter days will be very great. Job 8:7 ESV
For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more." Hebrews 8:12 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for these new days- days full of new beginnings and promise. I thank You for the lessons of the past, and for bringing us through some of our worst days. Your mercy is always greater than our failures and we are humbled by this beautiful truth. Give us strength and courage each day to make something stronger and better, and may our love be centered around Your Son. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
     
     

Making Amends

     When a relationship has been wounded, making amends is imperative in restoring it again. When it comes to infidelity, many more people are hurt than just the betrayed spouse. There are kids, family members and friends to consider. Making amends is humbling, and sometimes very difficult to do. And in the case of my husband, he put in the work and effort to do his part in this, without any prompting from me! This went a long way to prove that he was serious about putting our problems behind us, and working toward rebuilding what we had lost.
     Our family members and friends could immediately see the difference in his sincerity. Again, being broken stripped away the pride that held him back prior to God's work in his heart. He reached out in person, in email and in text. I cannot tell how you much this meant to me, personally. We shared so many close, personal relationships with so many, and making things right was so important to clear the air and start fresh.
     The flip side was all about grace. People could choose to hold it against him, but as Christians, God only gives us the choice He chose to offer us- grace upon grace! No matter what has been done against us, even without an apology (that's tough, I know!), God says we are to offer grace. And in light of our own sin against God, no deed done against us is too big for us to forgive. If you are struggling to forgive someone who has hurt you, look to the example of Jesus for your answer. While we are fallible as humans, we are to strive for the example God left for us through His Son, Jesus Christ. Hold out your hand to the one who has hurt you. Send a text of apology for withholding grace. Give a hug to the person who has wronged you. And even if they don't offer the apology and love you want, God will honor you for your heartfelt attempt at making things right.
     And so bridges are being made and rebuilt in our family and friend relationships. The awkwardness is melting away. I am happy to say that those who loved him before, love him still. Our family is slowly returning to a place of love, peace and acceptance. It takes time to rebuild, but the process is so worthwhile. To see our loved ones building bridges warms my heart and soul. This is the way of Jesus- our own precious Bridge to the Father. Is there someone you can take the first step toward, someone who needs the bridge rebuilt? Let go of past hurts and struggles, and step out in faith, knowing God Himself is rooting for you! That, in itself, is worth taking the first step for! 

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16 ESV
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 ESV
Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no "root of bitterness" springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; Hebrews 12:14-15 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for relationships, and how special they are to us. And yet when we are hurt by them, we often refuse to show grace. We know You are a God of grace and our behavior should mimic Yours. Help us, even when it's hard, to let go of pride and extend our hands to the ones who hurt us. When we do this, we not only build a bridge, but we also bring You joy. We thank You for being our own Bridge to God the Father, and for the the cost involved in offering Yourself in that way. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Changes

     Changes- I generally find them uncomfortable and often resist them. When the clock changes in the spring and fall, I can't say I like those changes; they leave me tired and disoriented. I don't like the changes my body is going through as it transitions from young to old- things feel stiffer, grayer, flabbier, foggier, and wrinklier. And then there are the changes that come through phases of life- parenting has changed a lot for me in the past 20 plus years. From diapers, to science projects to swim meets to "where are my kids?", so many changes along the way. But when it comes to a marriage that was impacted by infidelity, changes must happen, and usually these are changes for the better; these changes I embrace and rejoice over.
     The result of a broken person is one who is forever changed. I wrote a little about that in the blog post titled Broken. I'm so glad to be able to blog about these changes, as many who may not personally know us, likely have some incorrect assumptions of who we really are. One of my favorite changes was the willingness and work towards being completely open- no secrets, no "off limits" subjects, no lies. This was a necessary change toward a healthier marriage and one where trust could begin growing again. We are now able to discuss almost any topic without feeling walls and barriers. Of course there are some that will take time as they are areas that are very raw and painful. But I appreciate this new openness, and without it, would find moving forward very difficult.
     The other crucial, major change was spiritual in nature. We now thoroughly enjoy sharing devotions and prayer time to start our day, and to end our day. As Christians, we believe that arming ourselves with scripture is the most powerful safeguard available to us- why not use it? These are my favorite moments spent together in our day, and through them, God is restoring us as a couple. In the past few years, we also had devotion time, but it lacked heart and sincerity which I believe greatly opened us up to Satan's attack against us. I highly recommend spending time with your spouse, sharing scripture and prayer. This is one of the highest forms of intimacy and greatly enriches our relationship.
     Accountability has been another change that was necessary in order for our marriage to heal and grow. Whether it's sharing phone location, being open and honest about one another, or sharing the details of our day, being accountable to one another is imperative post-adultery. Rebuilding a marriage may be hard work, but the payoff is huge. I love a devotion my husband recently shared with me. It was centered around accountability to God for our marriage. One day, we will stand before Him and give account of our marriage- how we treated one another, how we served Him together, and so much more! God cares about our marriages, and will willingly assist us in rebuilding after the damage of a storm. I'm so thankful He cares- so much more than I can even begin to understand. And I am ever so grateful for the changes I see in our marriage in this new phase of our lives, and we appreciate your prayers as we work to make it a beautiful offering to present back to our Heavenly Father! 

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:1-2 ESV
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, our marriage needed change, and I thank You for opening our hearts to change in areas where it was most needed. Help any others who may be stuck in unhealthy patterns to courageously face them, seek ways to improve them, and making the necessary changes. We are creatures of habit and selfish at best, and yet You call us to something better. Lord, help us do the work required to present our marriage to You one day, knowing we can offer it as a treasure. Help us live lives that seek to honor You in all we do. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
     
     

Sunday Relationship Post- Sex, God's Way!

     Sex is one of the most misused expressions of intimacy. Our world twists its meaning, capitalizes on it, and uses it to entice young and old alike. While it offers momentary pleasure, it often causes deep-seated pain. It steals, confuses, corrupts, and hurts. When misused, it often leads to heartache and brokenness. It can lead to paths of betrayal, abortion, disease, and addiction. We have distorted this gift, and used it in ways God never intended. 
     Who did He create sex for? This made me think of kids and young adults, and how they think it's gross to know their parents have sex- and yet, it was created for married people. God made sex as an expression of love between a husband and wife. If we are Christians and want to live a life that pleases God, scripture is clear that it was intended only inside of marriage. If you're single, dating, or engaged- God says not yet. He doesn't hold it back from us to punish or deprive us, He holds it back because He knows the pain and heartache it can cause. He says, "not yet" because He cares for us, and knows better than we do. And so, we should simply honor His Word and trust Him while we wait.
     What about sex inside of marriage? It shouldn't be given as a reward for good behavior, much like it shouldn't be withheld as punishment for bad behavior. It should be liberally enjoyed to express our love in feeling and action. We can say, "I love you" with words, but with sex, we show our love in a unique, beautiful way. God didn't only create it with procreation in mind, He knew it would be something we would crave and enjoy. Some days, we feel more intimate and loving than others, but regularly expressing our love in this way is healthy and builds a marriage up. Don't deprive one another when it comes to sex, it opens the door to sin and betrayal. I also challenge every married person not to look outside of your spouse for sexual fulfillment. It's always wrong, it always leads to trouble, and it always causes pain and heartache. 
     If you aren't married, and find yourself compromising when it comes to sex, consider studying God's Word on the subject. It's never too late to decide to save it for marriage. You may have done it wrong in the past, but with God, He always gives us opportunity to be obedient and start fresh. If you are married, make it a regular part of your communication. Be thankful for this unique gift God has given us- and enjoy it with your spouse. Make time for it, and don't allow distractions and an overfilled schedule to stand in the way of intimacy. Talk about what you need from your spouse, and learn to know what your spouse needs from you. If you're still in the "not yet" phase of life, as the saying goes- good things come to those who wait. 

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 1 Corinthians 6:18 ESV
So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:22 ESV
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 1 Corinthians 7:3 ESV
Let the marriage bed be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4 ESV
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for this gift- one we often misuse and abuse and in the process, we hurt not only others, but ourselves as well. Help us to be strong and exercise self-control, knowing that when we are sexually pure, we honor You. Help me treasure this gift, and remember Your purposes in it. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
     

Broken

     I've heard it said of others, and often wondered exactly what it looked like when someone was "broken". Yes, in many ways, that can be said of us when we come to the point of accepting salvation from our Heavenly Father. But what about after that, when we fall and find ourselves deeply entrenched in sin? How long will God allow us to stay there, and what will it look like when we come to the breaking point? Will it be obvious? Will others notice the change?
     When my husband fell to adultery, I prayed countless times throughout every day that God would break him and change his heart. And a few times along the way, I thought maybe He had, but let me tell you- when it happens, it's so obvious! The end result of those days where God convicted and changed the heart of my husband ended in brokenness. It wasn't subtle. It wasn't vague- no, it was a complete change of heart, and a change with God's name stamped all over it. In short, it was nothing less than a miracle!
     When my husband was involved in the affair, his eyes had a hardness to them I had never seen before. But when I saw my husband after he was broken, his eyes were full of peace. The hard edge to his face was replaced by a softer, kinder look. And the moment I saw him, we fell into each other's arms with many tears of sorrow for what we had been through, and joy with for what God had done to bring us to this place. The absolute reality was this - he was forever changed, just as he stated in his deliverance story! That evening will forever be one of my most treasured memories.
     If you are a child of God and living in a lifestyle of sin, God won't leave you alone. You may not hear Him for stretches of time because you choose to drown out His voice, but He will relentlessly pursue His wayward children. I knew God would not give up on him, even though at times, my faith wavered. I prayed desperately for a changed heart- a heart that remembered Who God is, and a desire for lovingly serving Him. Because when we make God our priority, and read His Word, we will find our other relationships fall into a better place. 
     I will forever be grateful to the Lord for breaking my husband! While it was the most difficult trial we have faced to date, I have faith that God will use us in sharing our story with the world! Our story is a story that speaks of God's redemption. We pray it will point others to our Source of strength and hope, Jesus Christ- the Author of forgiveness, hope, and abundant grace!

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalm 51:17 ESV
For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: "I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite. Isaiah 57:15 ESV
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for relentlessly pursuing us when we wander from Your way and will for us. I praise You for the work You have done in our marriage, and for breaking our will when it opposes Yours. Your grace and mercy are gifts we often take for granted, and yet when we see them demonstrated in this way, they are precious gifts to us, dear Lord. We love You for Who You are, and for what You are doing, and for giving Your life for ours. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

A Surprise Text from my Estranged Husband

     If you've been following the story of my husband's deliverance, you read about him sending a text to me the morning after he discovered my blog. I woke up early that morning and noticed a long text from him, and was curious about the subject, but also thinking it was probably about moving forward with a divorce. I expected it, and was prepared with a lawyer, some information, and complete heartache.
     Instead, God gave me a window into a hope I wasn't expecting- a text filled with real sorrow and tenderness. While I had received plenty of texts throughout the year- some good and some bad, this one seemed genuine and different. It was different in that I expected only anger from his discovery of my blog... but here he was telling me about how it made him feel after the initial anger wore off. He mentioned shame, guilt and remorse. He offered words of apology and sorrow over his actions. 
     The one thing that stood out to me in his text was a feeling of hopelessness- that he felt he was forever ruined, and that tore at my heart. When you know God, and Satan isn't getting in the way with lies, you know that we are never beyond His grace and forgiveness. He loves us with a love so much greater than our human minds can comprehend. I longed for him to remember His grace, and I longed for him to remember how loved he was, and always would be. No matter what we do, no matter how far we fall, God's love is consistently the same. He doesn't love us more when we are obedient, and He doesn't love us less when we aren't.
     At this point, I wasn't sure where this would go, but I got to praying right away, and asked a few of my prayer partners to join me. These wonderful prayer partners were with me through the whole journey, and I know they pray for us still- for healing and recovery! I had no idea of the spiritual battle that would ensue in the day and days ahead, but God faithfully pursued His lost sheep, and brought him not only back to the fold- but in time, back to me as well! 
     If you're in a situation that feels hopeless, I want to challenge you to believe that with our God, no situation is hopeless. There were days my hope wavered, but when we believe the promises He makes to us in scripture, we can rest in knowing this - He will prevail in all circumstances. He is good no matter how bad today may feel. Friend, don't give up believing He will deliver you! As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, He is faithful to His Word. Trust Him while you wait- and know your day of deliverance will come!

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 ESV
"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7 ESV
But if we wait for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Romans 8:25 ESV
Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off. Proverbs 23:18 ESV
Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD! Psalm 31:24 ESV
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for keeping Your promises to us. We make promises and fail to keep them, but I can always count on You to keep Yours. On days when it seems impossible, on days when it seems unbearable- let me hold fast to Your promises of hope and deliverance. Your unfailing love is my constant source of joy, and I thank You for loving me faithfully. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Part Four- His Deliverance ( told by him)

** Continued from the previous 3 days... don't miss those!

     Later that same evening, I went to grab some dinner and for the first time in forever, I sat alone and not one person bothered to talk to me, yet I was in perfect peace. God had, in a miraculous way, moved in my heart and helped me latch on to His wonderful offering of grace. I couldn't live without it, nor could I take one more step without just accepting God had forgiven me, and the weight of sin was gone. The chains that had held me captive for far too long were broken. Not only had God forgiven me, but I was able to rest and claim that forgiveness for myself. 

     I spent that evening back at my sister's sitting alone watching YouTube videos of gospel artists singing the wonderful message of forgiveness. I let them pour into my soul like water on dry, barren ground. I didn't find out until later, that there were quite a few prayer warriors fighting for me that day. I will be forever grateful for the prayers of those that sought to bring me back to the light and love of my Savior. 

     What I witnessed over those couple days will forever impact my life. It gave me a new opportunity with my life and my marriage that would otherwise have been over. That God would lead my wife to write a blog about what had happened, and that He would lead me to read it and be convicted in such a way that it would redirect my steps, is something only God could do! The path, though hard, will never be the same because I have chosen to walk so much closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. 

     My daily prayer is this: "Jesus, I need you in every moment of my day, please help me stay close to You, and in everything I do, let me be reminded that You are with me in every step. Thank You, God, for allowing me to see my sin, and for working a miracle in my life to bring me to a place where You could move and heal. I love You for what You have done to secure my soul eternally, for what You are currently doing to make me more like You, and for the fresh appreciation I have been given of Your grace towards me. Amen!" There will be many small steps of building trust, respect, and healing back into relationships I had carelessly tossed to the side. One verse stands out to me though, when I think of what is ahead : I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). 

     I have included the verses of a hymn that is very special to me. The words that touch me so deeply are these: "wonderful grace of Jesus, greater than all my sin...broader than the scope of my transgressions, greater far than all my sin and shame, O magnify the precious name of Jesus, praise His name!

Wonderful grace of Jesus

Greater than all my sin

How shall my tongue describe it?

Where shall its praise begin?

Taking away my burden, setting my spirit free

For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

Chorus:

Wonderful the matchless grace of Jesus

Deeper than the mighty rolling sea

Higher than the mountain

sparkling like a fountain

All sufficient grace for even me

Broader than the scope of my transgressions

Greater far than all my sin and shame

O Magnify the precious name of Jesus

Praise His name!

Wonderful grace of Jesus

Reaching to all the lost

By it I have been pardoned

Saved to the uttermost

Chains have been torn asunder, giving me liberty

For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

Wonderful grace of Jesus

Reaching the most defiled

By its transforming power

Making him God's dear child

Purchasing peace and Heaven for all eternity

For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

                

Hymn by Haldor Lillenas , 1918

Part Three- His Deliverance (told by him)

*** For the full story, don't miss Part One and Two, posted the last two days! And don't miss tomorrow either :)

     God wasn't finished with dealing with me, thankfully. I left that restaurant and went to my sister's home, where I was staying. I slept all of about two hours that night, just wrestling with lies from Satan, and truth that God was putting right in front of me. That night was a night full of emotional torment and exhaustion.
     I got out of bed on Saturday morning to do a few things, and it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I determined that I would reach out to Ruth and just let her know how sorry I was, and how her blog had touched me. I have never, since I was saved, felt such a conflict in my soul. Satan was fighting hard to keep me down, but God was telling me it could all be mended. 
     I wanted to reach out to my wife, not only to apologize, but to tell how how shameful and real it was, to see in writing the awful pain I had caused, and how ashamed and sorrowful I felt in wrecking her life. Satan wanted me to keep believing this was all normal and okay- so many dealt with this all the time. He kept reminding me that I had ruined her, my family, my own life, and was beyond any usefulness.
     I finally got the courage to text her, and to my amazement, she responded. I told her what was happening, and what had been on my heart, and her response was that she would pray, and she would have others join her in praying for me. I could feel the power of God moving that day in such a real way. I texted her back at one point and told her I felt much like the man lying in the ditch left for dead (Luke 10). She sent me back words that were like medicine for my wounds. Ruth displayed the true character of Christ. Here she was, helping the very one who had wronged her, and hurt her so deeply.
     The awful thoughts of guilt and pain Satan wanted me to focus on were eventually overcome by the wonderful fact that my God has chosen not to remember the sins of the past, and he has already covered the future with the blood of His Son. I got so wrapped up in what was happening that afternoon in my heart, that I literally forgot one of the major jobs I was supposed to complete that day. If the people had known what was going on, I am sure they would understand.
     I want to encourage any who may see someone in need- whether spiritually, emotionally, or physically, to step in. We have so much to offer the hurting when we can tell them of One Who loves, cares and heals. No matter how close to impossible it may seem, God is always able! There is no situation too big for Him to handle. Yes, Satan will offer alternative ways to handle our problems and they will always lead to ruin, pain, and despair. Listen closely for a Voice Who calls you to hope, to peace and to life everlasting! In Jesus alone, we find rest from our struggles, and light from the darkness of sin. And if God allows you to see someone struggling, faithfully answer the call!

In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" Acts 20:35 ESV
Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 ESV
Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:4 ESV
"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. John 15:12 ESV
Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked." Psalm 82:4 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I praise You for Your mercy, grace and kindness shown to us. Lord, we don't deserve Your perfect love, and yet You lavish it on us anyways. Thank You for rescuing me from the pit of despair, and placing my feet on solid ground. Help us, Lord, to rescue others we see in need and not to turn our backs on them. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Part Two- His Deliverance (told by him)

  ** Please read Part One if you find this post and have not been following. My entire story will be told over the course of a few days.

     After returning from my New Year's trip and breaking things off with the other woman, I needed some of my things from our house. I knew Ruth would be at church Wednesday night, so I asked if it would be okay if I came by and grabbed a few of my things. I knew it would be easier on everyone if I went when they were not home.
     What I saw when I got to the house rocked my world pretty hard. My side of the closet had been totally cleaned out and my clothes had been packed in boxes and stored under my desk in the front office. Ruth had left me a pretty challenging note that began to eat at me. I responded with some pretty selfish and stupid words and actions that I hoped would hurt them back. I was fighting against the idea that God could win this battle.
     By Friday, January 4th, the conflict had grown. I was leaving work and I wanted to reach out to my wife but I was very hesitant. I knew she still shared her location with me, so I could see that she was out eating with a friend very close to where I was. I missed her, and was already feeling the touch of God in my heart about how I had treated her and my kids. 
     I was sitting alone at a nearby restaurant and God clearly directed me to look and see what, if anything, she had posted about this on social media. I was caught totally off guard. I had not been on Twitter in months and I found her page and began to read a blog that she had created about spouses that had been betrayed by infidelity. I was so angry with what I was reading and could not believe she would put this out there for anyone to read. In that moment, God struck me right in the heart and He said to me, "why are you angry? This is what you have caused." 
     I was sitting in that restaurant all alone with tears running down my face as I read several of her blogs back to back. I went from complete anger to total shame and a real sense of guilt for what I had done. How could someone, especially one who proclaims to be a Christian, have left a beautiful woman and two awesome kids with such pain and with such terrible feelings? While I didn't want to answer, I knew how- the lust of the flesh. My selfish motives had blinded me, and driven me to fulfill them and abandon the ones I loved. I had fallen and I had devastated and wrecked the one most precious thing in my life- my family. 
     Isn't it amazing how God used what my wife was fearful to share, to point me to Him? He knew what it would take for me to fully see the consequences of my sin, and He led her to write exactly what was needed in order to rescue me. That's God- He works in ways that at times, astound me! I am so thankful He gave her the gift of writing this blog, created to help others, but was also the source that led me straight into the arms of my Savior, and ultimately, home! Our prayer is that you may know this same God- One so interested in you! Oh, how He loves us!

For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Philippians 2:13 ESV
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6 ESV
The LORD is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him. Nahum 1:7 ESV
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. Romans 8:26 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for Your Spirit Who convicts us of our sin and calls us into Your presence. We will never find true joy, peace and contentment outside of Your will. Forgive me, Father, for the many times I seek pleasure from my sinful desires, forgetting how only You can fill me, Lord. Help me to guard myself against Satan by arming myself with Your Word. Keep my feet on the path that leads to life, and may I always turn from wandering from You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Part One- HIs Deliverance (told by him)

     I had grown cold in my Christian walk. I was still going to my place of worship, I was still participating and even in a leadership role and at times, I was moved by the Spirit to be warm for Christ, but I was lukewarm at best. Satan saw the chance and knew exactly what it would take to cut me down and wreck my life, and he moved swiftly, and with boldness.
     I had developed a friendship with a co-worker that turned into a temptation. This temptation was far more than I would ever have wanted in the past, but in my weakened state, I fell. I lied to the people that I loved the most, I did things behind their back that gnawed at the heart of what I stood for- honesty, integrity and loyalty. I was unfaithful to my family, I cheated on my wife and I lost the respect of my close friends. During all of this, Satan kept whispering lies, telling me this is what I really wanted in order to be happy. He was filling my heart with lies and he was continually telling me this was a good thing. I wanted to believe it, but I also knew in my core being that this was not right and was totally against what i believed and had been raised to be. 
     This is when Satan dropped my biggest challenge- he lied and told me I had gone too far to ever be restored. He said it was too late for me and that I was forever scarred and useless in God's work. I was struggling with being able to accept God's grace. I had been forgiven years ago when I was first saved, told others about God's abundant grace that He shows to all who call out to Him, and here I was - refusing to accept it and break free of my chains. 
     I want to fast forward to January of 2019. I had left my wife and family for the 2nd time just after Christmas, and my plan was for this to be the final departure. I knew this was going to be it and I would move on and divorce- it would be hard, but manageable. So many others chose this path and surely I could handle it as well. I tried to make it as easy as possible on my wife, but I left. 
     I spent New Year's being unfaithful and actually miserable. I had so much conflict in my heart that I can say it was the worst New Year's I had ever had. I got back to North Carolina on New Year's night and went to work the following day and the conflict began to intensify. It got to the point where I made the decision to break off the relationship with the woman I thought would make me happy. Satan had told me that would be difficult, but I prayed to God to help me do this quickly and for it to be forever done. God prevailed in this, and I was so thankful.
     Whatever you're facing in life today, listen to the Voice of the Spirit. He will lead you to life and peace, while Satan will whisper lies to derail and defeat you. I am thankful to serve a God that doesn't turn His back on His own. We turn our backs on Him, yet He remains loving and faithful to us. I will always be thankful to the Lord for His persistence in dealing with me. He is a God Who invests in our lives- and He seeks to deliver us from sin. Will we open our hearts to Him, or listen to the lies of Satan? The choice lies on us- choose well!

Where shall I go from you Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! Psalm 139:7-8 ESV
The LORD you God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:17 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, no matter where we are or where we go, You promise to be with us. We can't outrun You, nor can we hide from You. I'm so thankful for Your persistence and Your faithfulness- without both, I would be lost. Help us to listen for Your voice, and that it would always be louder than the evil whispers of Satan. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!