I joked about my thoughts with my closest friends and family, but honestly, there was some truth to what I was feeling. While I liked to look put together and sane on the outside, the inside of me was a disaster. The mirror often lied about how I really was. Somedays this made me feel crazy and the outside of me seemed to mock what I felt. Truth be told, I suddenly had an understanding of Brittany Spears' bald head. While it doesn't really make a lot of sense to people who haven't been emotionally devastated, I could now understand the desire to make the outside of me match what was in my heart.
This way of thinking isn't new- take the Old Testament custom of those who sat in sackcloth and ashes. When faced with circumstances that led to mourning and despair, they would remove their clothing and replace it with sackcloth. Sackcloth was made of coarse black goat hair- it was itchy, scratchy and terribly uncomfortable. Then to make matters worse, they would sit in a pile of ashes and pour them over their heads. This practice was an outward sign of what was going on inside. It was a physical picture of mourning, despair, grief and pain.
I had my own "sackcloth and ashes" desires that likely make me sound a little nuts. I wanted to hide away in the woods, and cover myself in dirt. I don't feel very comfortable sharing those thoughts, but given the custom of the Old Testament Jews, I don't feel quite as crazy. This longing was my outward display of what was inside of me- grief and despair. By the way, I didn't carry through on this, but these were some of the thoughts of my broken heart.
Maybe you've never had feelings like this, and if you haven't, I'm happy for you. But if you have, you have an intimate understanding of grief. Grief leaves us wounded and in need of a Healer. Eventually, my feelings gave way to hope. Today, the thought of sitting in the woods covered in dirt doesn't have the same appeal, because with time, He healed the most broken parts of my spirit. Today, my smile is genuine, but for quite some time, it just didn't reach my heart.
We live around people who are grieving their own personal losses. They may smile and seem "okay" on the outside, but inside, they are a broken mess. We don't know what everyone is facing in their lives, and because of that, we need to be people of compassion. As God's children, it's our privilege to offer the same love, grace and compassion to the hurting- the ones we know are hurting, and the ones we think are doing better than they actually are. There really are people who are fighting battles we know nothing about- being kind and gracious may be just what they need to carry them through the day. May we allow God's love to pour from our own mended spirits, knowing His power to repair the brokenhearted in a very personal way.
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 (ESV)
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 (ESV)
"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. John 14:1 (ESV)
Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. Psalm 31:9 (ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for being an ever present help in my time of grief and sorrow. Lord, heal those who are still hurting and in despair, and give me a heart of compassion and love for those who are broken. I thank You, Lord, for allowing me this opportunity to intimately relate to others experiencing loss, and showing them the comfort You have shown me. In Your name, I pray, Jesus, Amen!
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