I am Thomas

I sat beside his bed, holding the hand of my husband. Thirty years of doing life together conjured up so many rich memories. How could I go on without him, I wondered? We were a team—partners, lovers, and best friends. And now this. The doctors had given us news that literally shook us: stage 4 cancer. How are you supposed to handle that kind of news? 

In another home across the world a woman sat alone. Fearful and heartbroken, she faced the awful news that her husband had left her. The clothes and books and his well-worn recliner seemed to mock her in his absence. Was it over? Would things ever be okay again? How was she supposed to move forward alone? She missed him desperately, yet here she was—broken and filled with doubt.

Centuries earlier, a similar situation played out in a distant land. As he looked on, he saw his friend hanging on a cross. Broken and bloodied and dying. It wasn't supposed to be this way. He had placed all of his faith in this Man, and now He was dying—leaving them and shattering his hopes that Jesus was truly the long-awaited Messiah. Why had he been so foolish to believe, he thought to himself? Why did it have to end this way?

The disciples were gathered together and Jesus appeared to them after that awful day of His death. While Jesus had told them prior to His death that He would indeed die and raise from the dead, they didn't understand what He meant. So when they saw Him, their hope was restored—He really was the Messiah. He really was Who they had believed Him to be. This caused them great joy and I'm sure, a huge sense of relief. But Thomas wasn't there. He didn't get to see Him, and when he was told that Jesus had appeared to them, he refused to believe it.

Not only did Thomas refuse to believe the news, but he adamantly refused. In fact, these are his words:

"Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe (John 20:25, ESV)."  Never.

Eight days later, Jesus appeared to His disciples again, except this time Thomas was with them. How do you think Thomas felt when Jesus, knowing his heart and his words, asked him to place his finger in the nail print in his hand and to place his hand on His side and feel the place where the sword had pierced Him? I would imagine in that moment, Thomas felt an ocean full of regret and sorrow. He had doubted the Lord, and the Lord had called him out on it. Not in a mean way—but in a very direct way. And Jesus then told Thomas: "Do not disbelieve, but believe (John 20:27b, ESV)." 

It's so easy to point fingers at Thomas and judge him for his doubting heart. How could he have seen the works of the Lord and then doubt His identity? He had watched Him perform many miracles in the three years he spent with Him—healing people, feeding multitudes from only a few loaves and fish, raising people from the dead. How could he have been an eye-witness to these miraculous acts, only to doubt Him as He hung on the cross? It seems foolish, and yet I've been there, and maybe you have too.

The truth is, God heals cancer. God restores broken marriages. God gives the addict freedom from substance abuse. God makes a way when it seems there is none. God cures. God rescues. That's what He does, and I often easily forget that when I'm faced with situations that seem absolutely impossible. I doubt Him. I forget what He's done. I'm no different or better than Thomas.

But Thomas didn't stay a doubter. After he touched the wounds of Jesus, he appropriately addressed Him as "my Lord and my God." History records that later Thomas would lose his life as a martyr. He could have stayed in a place of disbelief, but he didn't—and I don't have to stay in a place of doubt either. Why? Because I've personally seen the hand of Jesus miraculously move in my own life. I've had a front row seat to witnessing the power of God transform people—transform my marriage, and transform lives. When I stop to consider these things I can release worry and doubt that grips my heart when I'm the one sitting by the hospital bed or facing an unfaithful spouse or a child addicted to drugs. Is it hard—yes. Does it hurt—absolutely. But I serve a God who is able.

Even though He is able, God doesn't always heal that stage 4 husband. He doesn't always bring back a wayward child or spouse. The addict will take the final dose that takes their life. Our world is broken, and sin has touched every part of it. But as believers, we don't have to live in a place of doubt. God will make all things new and restore His creation. He cares about us and wants us to hope in Him. He can do all things, and in His strength, so can we. And sometimes–somedays, that's enough to remove every bit of doubt from our hearts no matter what we are facing. May we, like Thomas remember—truly see Him, and then address Him as our Lord and our God. 

But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind (James 1:6, ESV). 

Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him (Mark 11:23, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to be remembered by our faith, and not our doubts. May we be Christians that leave a legacy that says "they trusted in God, and lived it." In Your name we pray, Amen!

I Love You More, Blue Pooh

     I don't have many relics saved from my childhood. I'm not a hoarder of things, and often like to purge and clean out my drawers and cabinets. In the span of fifty years, plenty has been thrown away- but not my Winnie-the-Pooh. I'll never forget a childhood trip to Disney World. In the eyes of a little girl, is there any place more magical? We rode rides, ate lots of food, waited in lines, and watched parades. And while it wasn't as commercialized then as it is today, it still held a pretty big thrill in the heart of my little girl world. I took away memories that would follow me through life, but I also took away a little Winnie-the-Pooh stuffed animal as a souvenir to remember my trip. 
     It was a typical hot Florida day and on the way home from the park we stopped for dinner. As much as I wished to take Pooh inside with me, my parents told me he had to stay in our van. And so I tucked him in the floorboard of the van, and headed in for dinner. When I came back to the van later, I scooped him up, only to see that one of my blue crayons had melted all over his leg and lower body. My eyes filled with tears, and there was no way I could return him to a pre-blue state. He was stained forever. 
     Maybe it's the fact that I always seem to root for the underdog. Maybe it's the fact that my heart hurts for the hurting. Maybe it's because I feel sadness for the outcast. Or maybe, I loved that Pooh extra, because I saw myself in him.  I connected with him, because I often felt unpopular and insecure, as a small child. No stuffed animal ever rivaled the love I had for that blue-stained bear. His flaws made him more special to me. He was always placed closest to me in bed, and always came along for adventures. In him, I could see the broken loved and accepted. That blue stain didn't disqualify him from my love- it made me love him more.
     Maybe that Pooh was preparing me for loving broken people, I'm not really sure. But maybe he also showed me a little picture of how God loves us. Stained. Broken. Messy. Different. Yet all of those things are the very reason we desperately need Jesus. Because in the heart of every human being is the intense craving to feel wanted, accepted and loved. People can only fulfill that craving to a degree, but only God can fill it perfectly. I'm just like that blue-stained Pooh, looking for love and acceptance, and only through the blood of Jesus do my stains wash away. And only through the cross can I be made clean again. Through His great gift of salvation, I can be accepted into God's family- secure in His love, and free from the sin that once stained me. 
     What blue stains do you carry around? Is it abuse? Betrayal? Are you dirty with sexual sin? Do you carry around guilt from your past? Whatever your "blue" is, it doesn't have to stay with you. You can be free. Not only unbelievers are carrying around stains- we often do, too. One of the most beautiful things in life is to see the broken made whole through the blood of Jesus. I'll forever be grateful for His love that removed my sin stains, and gave me exactly what I needed - His perfect love. If there's something you carry around with you still- something that eats at your soul, take it to the Cross. Jesus has great compassion for the hurting and the broken. And like I loved that crazy, blue Pooh, He loves us infinitely more. My little bear was stained forever, but thank God our sins can be forever wiped clean!

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10 (ESV)
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 1 John 1:7 (ESV)
Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God. 2 Corinthians 7:1 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for washing away our stains and giving us freedom from the guilt of our sins. No one loves us like You- and in Your love, we find acceptance, joy, hope, peace and life. Thank You, Father, for loving us and for offering Your Son as a way to make us clean and whole. In Your name we pray, Amen!

Staying Power

     One summer, on the way back from a seven day cruise, my sister's family and ours decided we didn't want our summer vacation to be over, so we made a detour to Jekyll Island. We had passed signs for the island many times, and thought it could be a fun place to crash an extra day or two. The internet picture of the place we chose to stay, looked wonderful. With excited kids, and happy adults, we made the exit to our extended stay. Upon arrival to the actual island, we started to feel a little skeptical. But when we pulled into our hotel, things slowly got stranger and stranger. You know how you get a weird vibe sometimes? Well, that was the case here in Jekyll Island. From the biting flies, the rocky beach, and the really strange hotel, we decided to leave. It wasn't what we had hoped for, and so we packed up our stuff, our kids, and hit the road for a Hampton Inn. Not what we planned, and certainly not fancy, but we just didn't want to stay in Jekyll.
     Relationships can be a lot like this. We have high hopes as we head into it, and then feel disappointed when we realize it isn't what we thought it would be. She wasn't as fun and carefree, and he wasn't as structured or driven. He wasn't a saver, and she wasn't an optimist. She wasn't as skinny, and he wasn't as stylish. The truth is, we all put on our best front in the beginning, but it's just that- a front. Inside, we are all broken, and we all have our share of struggles. Our world would tell us to move on, to find someone else, to get a divorce. But most often, the answer won't be there either. A new relationship or marriage will have its own set of challenges, and you'll be faced with the same decision: go, or stay.
     Now let's be clear from the beginning: I am not condoning a person to stay in an abusive marriage or relationship of any nature. There are some character traits that will need change in order to safely remain. These circumstances are not the point of my blog post today. What I am talking about, is the ability to recognize our tendencies to run when things don't go the way we planned. Some marriages will face some pretty big obstacles: the death of a family member, infidelity, addiction, mental health issues, a serious illness, financial struggles, and many others. What will you do when your marriage faces a crisis? Many times, we feel it's easier to run, than to face the situation we find ourselves in. I want to encourage any who are feeling this way today to simply reconsider. 
     Relationships are hard, and there's no getting around that truth. The only perfect Person to have walked this earth was Jesus- all the rest of us are simply going to mess up. Satan will try to convince us there is someone better suited for us. He will try to make you believe you deserve something better. But at the very core of christianity, is the story of grace. Undeserved grace. Something we receive each day from God's heart, and not a one of us deserves it. If Jesus was our earthly example of how to love, then we will choose to love, even when it's hard. And just as He always is with us and promises not to leave, so we should do the same with our spouse. You can leave- but you'll soon discover the flaws in the next person you choose to love.
     Marriage vows are serious promises. They are much more serious than a side trip to Jekyll Island. Somedays, staying is hard. Somedays, you'll almost listen to the lies that there is a better plan for you. There is joy in choosing grace in face of our spouse's shortcomings and failures. Encourage good change in their lives when it's needed, and recognize that you're also often in need of change yourself. Decide to fight for one another, and not against each other. You can overcome the obstacles that stand in the way of your marriage with whatever tools are necessary to achieve victory. God will fight for your marriage along with you. Leaving isn't the answer- by God's grace, choose to stay. Stay when it's easy, and stay when it's hard. Learn to love like Jesus- without conditions. Loving this way will always have a cost, but it will also reap benefits beyond what you see in this moment. Ask God today for the power to stay, and watch what He will do for you!

So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6 (ESV)
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 (ESV)
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 (ESV)


Dear heavenly Father, help me to be characterized by forgiveness and steadfastness. Help my marriage be one that honors You. We thank You for the example of love that You've shown us in Your Son. Help us to mirror that kind of love in our marriages. In Your name we pray, Amen!

When My Face Lied

     It's still hard to write about that time- the time when my life fell apart. Some days, I can almost forget it happened to me as life begins a new normal. But for many reading, you may still be in that broken place. It could be an unfaithful spouse that broke you, it could be the death of a loved one, or it could be another piece of tragic news that completely caught you off guard. Some days, I allow myself a visit to the past, if only to recall how far God has brought me- and has brought us. 
     I joked about my thoughts with my closest friends and family, but honestly, there was some truth to what I was feeling. While I liked to look put together and sane on the outside, the inside of me was a disaster. The mirror often lied about how I really was. Somedays this made me feel crazy and the outside of me seemed to mock what I felt. Truth be told, I suddenly had an understanding of Brittany Spears' bald head. While it doesn't really make a lot of sense to people who haven't been emotionally devastated, I could now understand the desire to make the outside of me match what was in my heart.
     This way of thinking isn't new- take the Old Testament custom of those who sat in sackcloth and ashes. When faced with circumstances that led to mourning and despair, they would remove their clothing and replace it with sackcloth. Sackcloth was made of coarse black goat hair- it was itchy, scratchy and terribly uncomfortable. Then to make matters worse, they would sit in a pile of ashes and pour them over their heads. This practice was an outward sign of what was going on inside. It was a physical picture of mourning, despair, grief and pain.
     I had my own "sackcloth and ashes" desires that likely make me sound a little nuts. I wanted to hide away in the woods, and cover myself in dirt. I don't feel very comfortable sharing those thoughts, but given the custom of the Old Testament Jews, I don't feel quite as crazy. This longing was my outward display of what was inside of me- grief and despair. By the way, I didn't carry through on this, but these were some of the thoughts of my broken heart. 
     Maybe you've never had feelings like this, and if you haven't, I'm happy for you. But if you have, you have an intimate understanding of grief. Grief leaves us wounded and in need of a Healer. Eventually, my feelings gave way to hope. Today, the thought of sitting in the woods covered in dirt doesn't have the same appeal, because with time, He healed the most broken parts of my spirit. Today, my smile is genuine, but for quite some time, it just didn't reach my heart. 
     We live around people who are grieving their own personal losses. They may smile and seem "okay" on the outside, but inside, they are a broken mess. We don't know what everyone is facing in their lives, and because of that, we need to be people of compassion. As God's children, it's our privilege to offer the same love, grace and compassion to the hurting- the ones we know are hurting, and the ones we think are doing better than they actually are. There really are people who are fighting battles we know nothing about- being kind and gracious may be just what they need to carry them through the day. May we allow God's love to pour from our own mended spirits, knowing His power to repair the brokenhearted in a very personal way. 

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 (ESV)
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 (ESV)
"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. John 14:1 (ESV)
Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. Psalm 31:9 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for being an ever present help in my time of grief and sorrow. Lord, heal those who are still hurting and in despair, and give me a heart of compassion and love for those who are broken. I thank You, Lord, for allowing me this opportunity to intimately relate to others experiencing loss, and showing them the comfort You have shown me. In Your name, I pray, Jesus, Amen!

     

Soften My Heart, Lord

     I wasn't always so understanding of other people's problems. In fact, I would've been quick to notice it and shake my head in bewilderment. Troubled teens? You probably didn't discipline them enough. Isn't it true that many times the most judgmental people about your parenting, often don't even have children? A bad marriage? Date nights, looking your best, and having fun together should take care of the problem. How ridiculous and naive I was about that one- I never saw it coming until the day it happened to me.
     The least compassionate people you know likely have suffered very little in their lives. Some people seem to cruise through life with very few serious knock-downs. I'm not one of those people, and in many ways, I am thankful. When my life was characterized by what appeared to be God's favor over me, I was shallow, judgmental and cynical at best. And when my life plunged into various painful trials, God's favor wasn't removed- He was simply taking my heart of stone, and making it soft and pliable. 
     There won't come a day when I hear of someone miscarrying a baby, that I won't hurt for them. Having been there twice, I can offer understanding sympathy. When I was stuck in a period of infertility, it was truly a painful, frightening place to be. All I ever wanted was to be a mom, and the thought that it may never happen was deeply discouraging. I am so blessed that God gave me my son and daughter, and because of those previous losses, I appreciate my kids on a different level. I'm grateful for opportunities I've been given to show compassion and understanding for those suffering similar losses. This was one area of my heart being softened, but God wasn't finished with me yet.
     The biggest example of heart softening in my life thus far, has been in my marriage. I see it in so many- and I used to be one of them. It won't ever happen to us, I would say. I was naive and clueless when it comes to the workings of Satan. If you're married, don't ever doubt it could happen to you, but do make your commitment a very serious point of consideration. Marriage takes work, and just as any goal we have, in order for us to see it through, we will have to put in the effort on both sides. I assumed we would always be okay and that, dear friend, was a dangerous assumption.
     Our marriage fell apart in the fall of 2017. And because it did, I've been given a platform- my writing, even this blog, is all part of that. God has given me a unique opportunity to share my journey through infidelity to reach others. In the process, He has softened my heart to not only broken marriages, but broken hearts in general. We have a choice when we face painful valleys- become cynical and unhappy, or allow God to use us to reflect His Son through our brokenness. If we choose the latter, we will live life with a greater compassion for the hurting and lost. 
     If you've been called to suffer trials that have left you wounded and sad, I pray that you'll allow God to use them for good. My hope for you is that you'll reach out to others who understand your pain and show them the healing power of our Savior. While God doesn't relish in your pain, He can use it to soften you and give you a more compassionate heart. Ask God to place people in your path that need you, and when they come along, show them an understanding, compassionate heart- you have great power to assist others in healing from what almost broke you, had it not been for Jesus. Not everyone is able to help them, but God in His wisdom and love prepared you for this day and this person- don't miss it!

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, Colossians 3:12 (ESV)
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 1 Peter 3:8 (ESV)
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15 (ESV)
If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:3 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, don't let us miss out on using our own life experiences to show a compassionate and understanding heart to those who need us. We learned compassion from You, and we desire to imitate Your ways in our lives. Thank You for the trials that softened our hearts to the pain of others. In Your name, we pray, Amen!

     

If it Didn't Happen for You

     My broken marriage was restored earlier this year, and I can tell you this- it wasn't my doing. I've had people ask me what I did, that would maybe help their own situation. I can't say why it happened for me, or that I am more qualified to receive this amazing gift than any other person. Frankly speaking, it wasn't owed to me just because I prayed for it, even though I longed for it in the depths of my soul. Because the bottom line is this- I can want something all day long, but if God isn't in it, and if hearts aren't changed on both sides, it likely won't happen.

     In my case, I wanted restoration. I prayed for it almost without ceasing. I was willing to work for it, and make necessary sacrifices. I was willing to go to marriage counseling and work through the tough issues that drove us apart. I could wish and work for it all day long, but if my husband had not opened his own heart to the calling and convicting of God, it wouldn't have happened for us. 

     We are only responsible for our own choices, and sometimes that truth can unsettle us. Had my husband chosen to ignore God's voice, we would probably be in the middle of a painful divorce. What choices are your loved ones making that you'd love to influence, or change? You may wish for a child to find victory over a drug addiction. You may wish for your spouse to stop being physically abusive. You may wish you could say just the right thing to lead your brother away from a life of alcoholism. Your son may be battling pornography, and you feel helpless. Your spouse may be lying in the arms of another man, leaving you heartbroken and lonely. These are choices that are being played out right before our eyes, causing deep pain and despair. And yet they are their choices- outside of our own control. We can plead, wish, and pray; but we can't make their choices for them. 

     I have spoken to some dear friends who have waited decades for their wayward spouses. My heart hurts for them. They wish for reconciliation too, but they are only one half of the broken marriage. We can pray for God to work in the lives and hearts of our estranged spouse, hopefully bringing them back, but they must open their own heart to His voice. Nothing I did on my own is responsible for my restoration story. I don't have any hidden secrets I could share that would make you say, "Ahh.. that's what it is!" I don't hold the key to success for a restored marriage. I honestly don't deserve the grace and mercy God has poured into my life and marriage, and yet that didn't stop Him. All I can tell you is this- God did it! He worked a miracle for us, and He can work one in your situation as well. Your child, your husband, your wife, your brother, your mom, your best friend- all can be reached by Him. No one is too far from His reach, no matter how bad it looks today! 

     If you're still waiting, know that He knows how hard the waiting is, and He cares so much about your situation. If you gave up, His heart hurt along with yours. You are only responsible for the choices you make- and sometimes the ones we love the most will make bad choices that will change the course of our lives forever. You are not responsible for their unwillingness to listen to God's voice. But you are responsible for your own choices- are you choosing well? My own marriage wasn't restored because I'm special, or God loves me more. It simply happened because both of us listened to what God had to say about it, and because of this, He is mending what our sin broke- because that's what God does!

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Psalm 51:12 ESV
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. Mark 11:24 ESV
"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. John 14:1 ESV
"Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me? Jeremiah 32:27 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for the gift of restoration. I pray that others who are not given this opportunity, and are hurting today, will feel Your comfort and peace. Heal broken hearts, Lord, and turn back the ears of those who have wandered far from Your voice. In the name of Jesus, I pray, Amen!

     

The Beauty of Scars

     I have an aunt whose face tells a story. Her sweet face, once very similar to my father's, is now full of scars. Years ago, she was in a very serious car accident and suffered multiple injuries to her face, resulting in scarring and a changed appearance. What you can't see, are the emotional scars- scars on her heart after losing her husband in that accident to a drunk driver on Valentine's Day. Yet one of the most beautiful features she possesses, is her positive attitude and bright smile. My aunt is a strong woman in many ways for what she has experienced in her life, and how she persevered with the strength of God.
     The older I get in life, the more drawn I am to scarred people. We easily spot the ones with physical scars, but emotional scars are revealed with more information. Whether it's the death of a loved one, sickness, parenting a wayward child, past addictions, caring for an elderly parent, infidelity, or other trials, these are people who are carrying around wisdom earned through their unseen scars. Just because we can't see the presence of them on their bodies, makes them no less real. 
     I have a friend, who in the darker days of our marital journey through the affair, gave me a gift. The gift was a beautiful stained-glass heart. On careful examination, you can see that the heart has a seam through the middle with iron stitch marks over the seam. She knew my heart had been broken, but she also knew that in time, it would heal. In the place of that break, a scar would develop as the break would seal together again. I remember holding that heart, wishing to speed the process of those "stitches", yet God has shown that His timing is purposeful, and ultimately good. Today, I have that beautiful red, glass heart hanging on the wall in my kitchen, where I can be reminded that yes- I was broken, but today, I'm full of some stitches, and receiving more!
     Society tends to shy away from scars. We feel uncomfortable looking at the physical effects of those who have endured extreme pain, yet survived. Burn victims show a vivid picture of how susceptible our bodies are to injury. Yet the person is still there- just the same, but with scars. Don't be afraid to be a friend to scarred people. The only difference is that they journeyed through some painful circumstances, yet here they are today! Scars are beautiful, as they are the mark of a survivor. They also are people who have learned to find strength in something or Someone greater than themselves. 
     I have many scars that you can't see, and I bet you have some too! The loss of two pregnancies left some pretty painful ones in my spirit. No parent has raised their children without gaining a few either- we all make mistakes and have our struggles. And infidelity. It left a pretty painful scar you would never know about if I chose to hide it. How many around us are hurting? We may never know if we don't take time to really know them. If they are scarred, they likely have some wisdom to offer. And remember that scars aren't ugly, they are proof that we lived through something difficult. May all of us scarred people have the courage to share our experiences, and the valuable lessons we learned through them. And my prayer is that you would each know my Heavenly Father, who has carried me through each painful experience and in the process, is making me more like Him. He is full of scars too, but His are for me and for you- and those scars make Him so beautiful, for they bought our freedom!

See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Touch me, and see. For a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have." Luke 24:39 ESV
But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:5 ESV
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. 1 Peter 2:24 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, give us eyes that are compassionate towards those who have scars. And give us courage to share ours with others, and the wisdom we gained through acquiring them. May I use my scars to point others to You- the One Who bears the scars of the cross. The marks on Your body bought my freedom, and I thank You for paying such a great cost. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!


     

Changes

     Changes- I generally find them uncomfortable and often resist them. When the clock changes in the spring and fall, I can't say I like those changes; they leave me tired and disoriented. I don't like the changes my body is going through as it transitions from young to old- things feel stiffer, grayer, flabbier, foggier, and wrinklier. And then there are the changes that come through phases of life- parenting has changed a lot for me in the past 20 plus years. From diapers, to science projects to swim meets to "where are my kids?", so many changes along the way. But when it comes to a marriage that was impacted by infidelity, changes must happen, and usually these are changes for the better; these changes I embrace and rejoice over.
     The result of a broken person is one who is forever changed. I wrote a little about that in the blog post titled Broken. I'm so glad to be able to blog about these changes, as many who may not personally know us, likely have some incorrect assumptions of who we really are. One of my favorite changes was the willingness and work towards being completely open- no secrets, no "off limits" subjects, no lies. This was a necessary change toward a healthier marriage and one where trust could begin growing again. We are now able to discuss almost any topic without feeling walls and barriers. Of course there are some that will take time as they are areas that are very raw and painful. But I appreciate this new openness, and without it, would find moving forward very difficult.
     The other crucial, major change was spiritual in nature. We now thoroughly enjoy sharing devotions and prayer time to start our day, and to end our day. As Christians, we believe that arming ourselves with scripture is the most powerful safeguard available to us- why not use it? These are my favorite moments spent together in our day, and through them, God is restoring us as a couple. In the past few years, we also had devotion time, but it lacked heart and sincerity which I believe greatly opened us up to Satan's attack against us. I highly recommend spending time with your spouse, sharing scripture and prayer. This is one of the highest forms of intimacy and greatly enriches our relationship.
     Accountability has been another change that was necessary in order for our marriage to heal and grow. Whether it's sharing phone location, being open and honest about one another, or sharing the details of our day, being accountable to one another is imperative post-adultery. Rebuilding a marriage may be hard work, but the payoff is huge. I love a devotion my husband recently shared with me. It was centered around accountability to God for our marriage. One day, we will stand before Him and give account of our marriage- how we treated one another, how we served Him together, and so much more! God cares about our marriages, and will willingly assist us in rebuilding after the damage of a storm. I'm so thankful He cares- so much more than I can even begin to understand. And I am ever so grateful for the changes I see in our marriage in this new phase of our lives, and we appreciate your prayers as we work to make it a beautiful offering to present back to our Heavenly Father! 

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:1-2 ESV
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, our marriage needed change, and I thank You for opening our hearts to change in areas where it was most needed. Help any others who may be stuck in unhealthy patterns to courageously face them, seek ways to improve them, and making the necessary changes. We are creatures of habit and selfish at best, and yet You call us to something better. Lord, help us do the work required to present our marriage to You one day, knowing we can offer it as a treasure. Help us live lives that seek to honor You in all we do. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
     
     

Broken

     I've heard it said of others, and often wondered exactly what it looked like when someone was "broken". Yes, in many ways, that can be said of us when we come to the point of accepting salvation from our Heavenly Father. But what about after that, when we fall and find ourselves deeply entrenched in sin? How long will God allow us to stay there, and what will it look like when we come to the breaking point? Will it be obvious? Will others notice the change?
     When my husband fell to adultery, I prayed countless times throughout every day that God would break him and change his heart. And a few times along the way, I thought maybe He had, but let me tell you- when it happens, it's so obvious! The end result of those days where God convicted and changed the heart of my husband ended in brokenness. It wasn't subtle. It wasn't vague- no, it was a complete change of heart, and a change with God's name stamped all over it. In short, it was nothing less than a miracle!
     When my husband was involved in the affair, his eyes had a hardness to them I had never seen before. But when I saw my husband after he was broken, his eyes were full of peace. The hard edge to his face was replaced by a softer, kinder look. And the moment I saw him, we fell into each other's arms with many tears of sorrow for what we had been through, and joy with for what God had done to bring us to this place. The absolute reality was this - he was forever changed, just as he stated in his deliverance story! That evening will forever be one of my most treasured memories.
     If you are a child of God and living in a lifestyle of sin, God won't leave you alone. You may not hear Him for stretches of time because you choose to drown out His voice, but He will relentlessly pursue His wayward children. I knew God would not give up on him, even though at times, my faith wavered. I prayed desperately for a changed heart- a heart that remembered Who God is, and a desire for lovingly serving Him. Because when we make God our priority, and read His Word, we will find our other relationships fall into a better place. 
     I will forever be grateful to the Lord for breaking my husband! While it was the most difficult trial we have faced to date, I have faith that God will use us in sharing our story with the world! Our story is a story that speaks of God's redemption. We pray it will point others to our Source of strength and hope, Jesus Christ- the Author of forgiveness, hope, and abundant grace!

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalm 51:17 ESV
For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: "I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite. Isaiah 57:15 ESV
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for relentlessly pursuing us when we wander from Your way and will for us. I praise You for the work You have done in our marriage, and for breaking our will when it opposes Yours. Your grace and mercy are gifts we often take for granted, and yet when we see them demonstrated in this way, they are precious gifts to us, dear Lord. We love You for Who You are, and for what You are doing, and for giving Your life for ours. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

God's Purposes in Bad Life Events

     Why does God allow bad things to happen to us? There are so many painful situations we are called to experience in life, and we wonder sometimes- why me? None of us are untouchable, and we all have our painful seasons. I've seen so many that I know, lately, walk through an unexpected tragedy, and it hurts to know they are in their season of pain. But we all have those seasons, some a little more painful than others. 
     Where is God in all of it? Does He plan these things, or does He allow them? How can good come out of something so bad? We know God is good, and He isn't the Creator of evil. When He created the world, He said "and it was good." And it was good, until the fall of Adam and Eve to sin. In that moment, our world was broken, and will remain broken until Christ returns and makes all things new. Our painful seasons are a result of living in a broken world- a world broken by sin. 
     While God is good, and doesn't create the things that cause us to suffer, we do know He will use it for His ultimate good. We often don't see the good in it for quite some time, and sometimes, we won't see it on this side of glory. But scripture tells us that all things work together for good, for those that love the Lord (Romans 8:28). For each painful season I have been called to walk, I have seen good grow out of them. God is faithful to His Word and His promises to us, and while I hurt in those hard times, I can have faith that He will use them for His good purposes. 
     Are you walking through a hard season right now? You may be facing a marital crisis, an illness, an addiction, the death of a loved one- these are hard spots along the road we are traveling. When we are hurting and suffering, God hurts with us, but He also comforts us and offers us His faithful love and healing. If we are christians, our time of suffering is short in light of what awaits us in Heaven. We can take comfort in knowing that what lies ahead, is so much better than what we are living in this broken world. Our painful seasons are seasons- not meant to derail us for life. We can allow them to help us grow in our faith, or allow bitterness to take root. Just as God wants to turn them around and use them for good, we have to allow Him to do it for us. He will use them either way, but I want to come out of the season with a stronger heart for God, trusting Him to transform my pain into something amazing. I've witnessed it in my own life, and I can tell you He is able!

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4 ESV
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18 ESV
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for redeeming our pain, and bringing good out of it. Some points along our journey would be almost unbearable without You, and how You will use them for good. Thank You for carrying me through my darkest times, and for preparing a home for me where suffering will no longer touch me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Rings

     I will never forget the day my best friend became my fiance, and slipped an engagement ring on my finger. We were walking along the beach on Topsail Island, and he proposed to me. That ring was special to me, and so was the man that placed it on my hand. I couldn't wait to show everyone- so much so, that even though I had sun poisoning on my LIPS, and had pink scaly lotion on them, I just HAD to go to church to share my news. Seriously, I can't believe I did that, looking back!
     Rings are special, especially to us women. And the story behind them is even more special. So when I decided to remove my wedding ring, it tore at my heart. My ring meant that I belonged to someone, and removing it meant that I didn't. Most people my age wore one, and I wondered how many, like me, took it for granted. When I first put mine on at the age of 22, I never really took it off. It was there, and after the initial newness of it wore off, I didn't really pay too much attention to it. 
     If you have faced infidelity, you may have your own "ring story". My husband removed his immediately- and seeing his hand without it, made me feel sick to my stomach.  Initially, I kept mine on for a month or two, unable to part with the significance of the promises I had made. But slowly, I began to see that it was a symbol of what was, rather than what is. I would have given anything to not face the truth, but my marriage was simply broken, and until that changed, my ring would remain packed away. 
     It's hard to face promises that aren't kept. When we make a promise, we should keep it, and I especially felt this was true regarding a marriage union. But the bottom line is, we can only control our end of keeping promises- the responsibility of the promises made by our spouse rests on them. When I slipped off my wedding ring, it wasn't because I forgot the promises I made, it was because he did. 
     I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father that always keeps His promises! He will never let us down, and we can always count on Him to follow through on His Word. I thought of that often, as I looked at my empty ring finger. While my husband forgot what he vowed on that hot summer day in 1993, Jesus won't ever forget me. If you are brokenhearted because someone let you down in a big way, allow the comfort of a faithful Savior to soothe your pain. Remind yourself of the promises He has made to you, and that He has good plans for you- even though your heart hurts today. Oh, how He loves us!

It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay. Ecclesiastes 5:5 ESV
God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it? Numbers 23:19 ESV
So that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. Hebrews 6:18 ESV
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, it hurts to have our hearts broken by empty promises; especially by our own spouse. Give me the help, courage, and strength for whatever is ahead, and give me wisdom to follow Your way for me. Open doors that should be open, and close doors that should be closed- and help me to honor whichever You choose for me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Broken Home- Broken Kids

     I am a mama bear when it comes to my babies. My babies really aren't babies- they are in their early 20's, but to me, they will always be my babies.  If you hurt them, it hurts me more. I would walk through fire for them, and slay dragons for them, if they existed. I don't like to see them disappointed or hurt, and most parents feel the same way.
     One of Satan's biggest lies, regarding separation and divorce, is that it's better for the kids this way. Unless we are talking an abusive relationship, I don't buy that lie. I witnessed the change in my children, and the devastating effect it had on them- and it wasn't for the better. Their security was shattered, their role model was tarnished, and their lives were forever changed by infidelity. 
     My kids grew up in a home centered on Jesus, and the principles of God's Word. They were told from the earliest age that we would always be together, and they didn't have to worry about divorce in our home. We told them we were 100% committed to one another, and would always remain that way. So they didn't worry- it wasn't in the cards for our family. They saw their friends families broken, but never feared it would happen to us. So when it did, it was completely unexpected, and an absolute shock.
     Our children are a gift to us. They look up to us, and a stable upbringing is so important for a healthy mind. I will never forget the looks on the faces of our kids when they were told by their dad he was choosing to leave. If I could stop right here, and just reach out to any reader that may be on the side of having an affair- PLEASE COUNT THE COST! And for any other reader- GUARD YOUR MARRIAGE, PLEASE! Infidelity causes so much pain, and steals so much, from so many.
     While there is a lot of brokenness in our family and home, we serve a God of restoration. If you are a christian, you've witnessed how He changed you when He brought you out of darkness, into His light. This same God can do this with marriages, and families. He can't do it without our cooperation, but apart from Him, I have no doubt we would remain broken. Relationships have to be rebuilt, and trust and respect will be a process. While I am a fan of quick fixes, there isn't one for a home assaulted by infidelity. 
     While a quick fix isn't possible, a long term solution is. In Him, there is always hope when we are willing. If you are both willing, the first key is to have God at the center of all that is ahead. If you try to use any substitute for the Holy Spirit, the results will be lacking. Be there for your kids as a safe place to share feelings, and give them love and support. Encourage counseling and foster an open line of communication with them. While we will at times fail our kids as parents, our Heavenly Father never will. We have the perfect example in Him, and the perfect Parent. We will fall short of His example, but with His guidance, and our obedience to Him, we can repair what was broken. It may never be the same, but there is a possibility for something better- and only God can do that. 

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Psalm 127:3 ESV
Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, Titus 2:7 ESV
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 ESV
"Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me? Jeremiah 32:27 ESV
You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again. Psalm 71:20-21

Dear Heavenly Father, help our children who are hurting from our choices, and those of our spouses. Help us to be there for them, and show them unconditional love and support. Give healing and restoration, as only You can. I thank You for the precious gift of our children. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!