I Wasn't Ready Yet

 I received a message through my Instagram account the other day, and something in it really struck a chord with me: "I wasn't ready, yet", she said. I've said it, and maybe you have too. How many things do we not feel ready for? I know for me, the list would be pretty extensive. In this particular case, she wasn't ready for words of hope—because sometimes, we feel the need to flounder in our grief and pain as we grapple with reality. We wrestle with our shocking feelings surrounding painful circumstances, and need to spend some time there.

I can relate. I have my own lapse between discovery and the quest for healing. Or maybe that lapse is really just the very beginning of the process that leads us to healing. When we receive shocking news—whether betrayal in our marriage, the death of a loved one, a serious diagnosis, or some other painful discovery, our initial response is not usually acceptance—that comes later in the grieving/healing process.

It helps to know this is a natural response for most humans. It doesn't make me a bad person or a bad Christian if I spend a little time between discovery and acceptance. It doesn't mean I don't believe God is good—but it does mean my faith in His goodness is being called to the test, even as He patiently waits for me to learn to trust Him with this hard news.

The truth is, when I hear something especially difficult, I like to nurse that pain for a while. Whether it's minutes or days, those feelings match the bad news. I need time to properly grieve those hurts and disappointments before I feel ready to move on and move forward—maybe you need this space too. But even in those days of nursing my wounds and floundering in my feelings, I'm still so deeply touched with His tender presence—giving comfort until I'm ready. 

I lost a dear friend this week, and I wasn't ready to hear she had passed away. I had hoped for healing—healing that would place her back in this world—healthy and whole and pouring herself back into her family and friends once again. We prayed and we believed, yet God took her home. I feel pain over our temporary parting—space is needed until acceptance comes. God knows. He understands our need for this time, yet it won't stop Him from planting precious truths into our hurting hearts. This is the soil needed for future acceptance—knowing He deeply cares for our hurts and pains.

Maybe you're somewhere between hard news and acceptance. Maybe you're wrestling with the darkness of those painful feelings—the deepness of grief. Maybe you don't even want to think of God, and are pressing against His longing to comfort you. If He is in control, then He could have allowed a different outcome—different news than what you're facing. Does He care for your hurt and pain, and does He understand the feelings we face as we grieve? He does, friends, He does.

We need days where we wallow in the bad news and we ask God, "why?" And while it's a natural part of the process of grieving, let us not stay stuck there. The truth is, bad news will come to us all at some point in our lives—and it seems more and more often as we age. Sin has broken this world, and it's broken us, too. That's why we desperately need Jesus—the God of all comfort. 

Maybe today you don't feel ready to accept whatever it is you're facing. Maybe you just want to nurse your pain another day. Maybe you aren't ready yet—ready to move forward. To accept. To heal. To trust God with your broken heart. Maybe today, hope doesn't feel possible. But tomorrow is a new day. Pray about your heart. Know that Jesus cares so very deeply for you. His ways are best, even when they hurt. 

We don't always need to know why, but eventually we must accept the present reality. We must remember God's faithful love, and that He works all things for good–even when it doesn't feel good. One day, you'll be ready, and one day you'll look back and see how far He's brought you. Don't spend too much time wallowing and nursing your pain—you have big things He has planned for you—things you don't want to miss. You aren't alone in this—He is always with us. So today in that space between hard news and acceptance, may you feel His love beckoning you to trust Him. May you learn to lean into His tender, strong arms and carry you through. He is our Good, Good Father—every single moment of every single day.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God (2 Corinthians 1:3-4, ESV). 

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3, ESV). 

Recovery Is Possible

Most days I forget the pain of the past. I can make it through the whole day without thinking once about where we were a few years ago, and how it forever changed me. But some days I remember. Some days, I look at myself and I'm amazed that with God's help, I survived-our marriage survived! So my blog post today is for any who may be going through a really difficult situation in your marriage, or even in your own life that seems impossible to make it through. God seems far away and you feel uncertain and skeptical that your heart will feel joy again. Your days are filled with fear, sadness and discouragement. You feel you'll never smile again, and your heart will never heal. If that's you-I want to encourage you to have hope that better days are ahead for you. It may seem like I speak empty words in this season for you, but I know-I've been there. I want to promise you that God can restore your broken heart. I want to whisper words that will allow you to believe, today, that healing will come for you. It won't mean you'll be the person you used to be, and if you really think about it, do you want to be?

I remember it as clear as if it were yesterday. I sat in my counselor's office, leaning forward on that couch and with a pained heart, I asked her, "how long? How long will it take for healing?" She told me that the average amount of time was right around two years. But she also told me that some parts of infidelity would forever change my reaction in certain situations. She truthfully told me that I would never return to the exact woman I used to be. She stressed how important it was for both partners to actively do their part in the recovery process if our marriage had a chance to heal from the affair. Weeks later, I was joined by my husband in therapy, and we began formulating our own recovery plan. The road ahead would be difficult, but we knew that we were following God's plan in our decision, and that with His help, we had a really good shot at this. 

Whatever you're up against, don't forget that God is in it with you. I often wonder how people make it through big life obstacles without His help, comfort, wisdom, and guidance. I look at the broken woman I was back in the worst of it, but on closer inspection, I can see how God was actively using others to help restore my hope and my joy. He hugged me through the arms of other believers. I can see how His Word spoke life and hope into my wounded heart. I needed almost constant reassurance from Him, and He provided each and every time. That same God is with you, too. He longs to carry your burden for you. He wants to heal us-He really cares! We read of many He healed physically, emotionally, and spiritually in the New Testament, and we see evidence of His faithful healing all around us still today. Even yet-we often doubt it will happen for us. We long for it, but our hearts feel skeptical. 

My marriage is just one example in a long thread of answered prayers in my life. God doesn't always heal in the ways we ask for. But even when He says "no", recovery is possible when we realize He understands a bigger picture than what we could ever see or comprehend. While I am forever changed in many ways, I am also truly recovering. I am living proof that God is a Healer of the brokenhearted. It won't happen overnight because there are lessons to learn in the broken places of our circumstances. Recovery is a process. It's a process of learning to trust God in those painful seasons when hope is hard to grasp. It's a transformation in our self-dependence to dependence on Him. It will hurt, but I want you to believe it'll happen for you, too. Because the same God that walked me through the fire and out the other side, longs to walk with you as well. Recovery is real-and my prayer today is that each one stuck in a place of pain can have renewed hope that your heart will sing with joy again. Believe-because He is able.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you (1 Peter 5:10, ESV).

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3, ESV).

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28, ESV).

He restores my soul (Psalm 23:3a, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for the hope we have in You for our recovery from brokenness and pain. Sometimes, we feel unable to manage the hurts of the day, yet we know that in our inability, You are our Perfect, Able Father. Help us to remember, no matter how bad the day, that our recovery will come. In Your name we pray, Amen!

     

Mustard Seed Faith

     The prognosis was bleak. Cancer was not only in her breast, it was also in her bones and blood. She was thin from treatment, and from the cancer that was robbing her appetite and depleting her body. People spoke in hushed voices, sharing their skepticism regarding her already poor prognosis. She was faced with certain death this go round, and she seemed to know it. We all did. As she lay in her bed, weak and tired, the days ticked slowly by. It could be any time now, we all assumed. We prayed for healing, but doubted it would happen- at least not on this side of eternity.
     We've all been there, haven't we? Faced with the certain death of a loved one- whether physical in nature, or perhaps the death of a marriage. We doubt that healing is possible, yet we pray for it anyway. Doubting means we don't really have faith at all- not even the size of a teeny, tiny mustard seed. Here's one of the faith problems we are experiencing with modern day technology- our knowledge weakens our faith. The doctor gives us a detailed report, based on blood work and imaging scans, so we choose to believe knowledge, over the thought that God can still heal. Our spouse has filed for divorce, and has no interest in reconciling, so we assume it's over. We wish for reconciliation, but we just don't believe it will happen for us.
     James 1:6 tells us to "ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind." Asking- without doubt? Ouch! To be perfectly honest, I'm guilty of asking with plenty of doubting. I want it- I may even think God wants it too, but my head knowledge gets ahead of my heart. Instead, God wants me to pray with an unshakeable faith. Matthew 17:20 comes to mind: He said to them,  "For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you." This shows how limited we have become in our prayers, because we seldom believe He is truly capable of the impossible. 
     I don't write this as if I have the answers for a greater faith. In reality, I'm ashamed of the smallness of mine. And I wonder- if I actually believed it really were possible, would the outcome of my prayers be vastly different? I believe in my heart that they would. The truth is, the more we seem to think we know, the less we believe that God is able to do what knowledge says isn't possible. We doubt the miraculous, because the odds seem against us. But God isn't confined by odds or chance, and I often forget that.
     The thing is, sometimes God really does choose to take them anyway. We hope for a different outcome, but it's not in His plan. And some marriages come to an end, as much as we hoped and prayed they wouldn't. We don't always have the answers here, and oftentimes, we don't understand them. But how many times am I guilty of praying without truly believing? And would my life, and those I pray for, be transformed if I kicked that foolish habit? I absolutely believe they would! So as we move into another year that will be filled with its own challenges, may we move forward expectantly, as we ask God for the impossible. And may our hearts be humbled and blessed when we see Him move in ways we can't even begin to comprehend.

And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith." Matthew 21:22 (ESV)
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 (ESV)
For nothing will be impossible with God." Luke 1:37 (ESV)
For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, forgive us for our lack of faith- we acknowledge that it's sin. Help us to pray with believing; for You alone are capable of the impossible. Thank You, Father, for hearing and answering prayer. In Your name we pray, Jesus, Amen!

Blank Notebooks

     I love a fresh, new notebook. The pages are perfect, crisp, and white. No mistakes, no wrinkled edges- just clean and neat. Writing on that first page is satisfying, but also frustrating if you start off the notebook with a mistake. If it's in pencil, the eraser can leave smudge marks. But I'm almost always writing with a pen or a fine-tip marker, so for me, it's just a mistake I can't hide. I can scribble over it, or I can use white-out- but there is no getting around the fact that I screwed up. Life is kind of like that too, isn't it? 
     As we finish off this year of 2019, our "notebooks" for the year are at the last pages. Riddled throughout them are mistakes- not one of us will come to the last page and think, "hey, no mistakes for me this year!" We all have some beautiful pages- neat and clean. Then we all have the pages that are messy- indicating failures, hurts, pain, frustrations, and loss. My pages will look different than yours. Yours will tell your own unique story, yet all of us fall short of perfection. 
     My year has been a healing year- a year of building and re-building. A story full of hurt, betrayal and pain that turned into hope, joy and restoration. The very first pages of my year had marks on it that are painful to recall. I spent the New Year celebrating with my kids while my husband was not with us at the time. I forged out into 2019 with a broken heart and faith that somehow, some way, God would open good doors for me. And He did. And just like my God, He did more than I could ever have hoped or imagined.
     Less than a week into 2019, God miraculously reached in and restored my husband. I'll never tire of hearing that story, and if you haven't read it yet, you can find it in my earlier blog posts. In February, we renewed our wedding vows, and since then, we are falling into our new normal in life. We still face challenges, and if you're married, you will experience your own challenges. We have spent most of this year healing and growing and learning and trying to be intentional with one another. And as we end the year, we know Who has given us this gift of second chances- our amazing Heavenly Father.
     I don't know your story, and I don't know how your year started or how it's ending. I'm not sure what challenges you've faced this year, but I would love to hear of challenges conquered by the power of God Almighty. I'm living proof that He still fights our battles, so whatever you may be up against that may seem too big, too scary, or too overwhelming- they simply aren't. Not when we realize Who fights for us, and understand that He is more powerful than any of our circumstances.
     We are all about the turn the page to a fresh start. What will 2020 hold for us? None of us really know- but we can all count on days that will bring joy, and others that will break our hearts. All of us will have mistakes and smudge marks. We don't get to re-do our past, but we do have a whole new year ahead of us, providing opportunity to learn from our past mistakes, and hopefully avoid making the same ones in 2020. So as we embark on this New Year, think about who is in control of your pen or pencil- if you are, the mistakes will be abundant. But if God is allowed to be the Writer of your story, your notebook will look a lot better, a lot neater, and likely a lot different than you thought it would look. Allowing Him to be the Author of our story is the best way to set out in 2020! When we give Him the ultimate control, we are removing a lot of our stress, and setting ourselves up for fitting neatly into His purpose for us- and we don't want to miss that!

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:18-19 (ESV)
You crown the year with your bounty; your wagon tracks overflow with abundance. Psalm 65:11 (ESV)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, as we face a New Year, we thank You for the blessings of 2019. Some of our days were hard days, but we know You walked them with us. Help us to learn from our past mistakes, and to avoid making the same ones in the New Year. Help us to allow You to be the Author of our life story, and to relinquish control to You. We look ahead to 2020, knowing You will walk us through every joy and every trial. We thank You for that, Father. In Your name we pray, Jesus, Amen!

When My Face Lied

     It's still hard to write about that time- the time when my life fell apart. Some days, I can almost forget it happened to me as life begins a new normal. But for many reading, you may still be in that broken place. It could be an unfaithful spouse that broke you, it could be the death of a loved one, or it could be another piece of tragic news that completely caught you off guard. Some days, I allow myself a visit to the past, if only to recall how far God has brought me- and has brought us. 
     I joked about my thoughts with my closest friends and family, but honestly, there was some truth to what I was feeling. While I liked to look put together and sane on the outside, the inside of me was a disaster. The mirror often lied about how I really was. Somedays this made me feel crazy and the outside of me seemed to mock what I felt. Truth be told, I suddenly had an understanding of Brittany Spears' bald head. While it doesn't really make a lot of sense to people who haven't been emotionally devastated, I could now understand the desire to make the outside of me match what was in my heart.
     This way of thinking isn't new- take the Old Testament custom of those who sat in sackcloth and ashes. When faced with circumstances that led to mourning and despair, they would remove their clothing and replace it with sackcloth. Sackcloth was made of coarse black goat hair- it was itchy, scratchy and terribly uncomfortable. Then to make matters worse, they would sit in a pile of ashes and pour them over their heads. This practice was an outward sign of what was going on inside. It was a physical picture of mourning, despair, grief and pain.
     I had my own "sackcloth and ashes" desires that likely make me sound a little nuts. I wanted to hide away in the woods, and cover myself in dirt. I don't feel very comfortable sharing those thoughts, but given the custom of the Old Testament Jews, I don't feel quite as crazy. This longing was my outward display of what was inside of me- grief and despair. By the way, I didn't carry through on this, but these were some of the thoughts of my broken heart. 
     Maybe you've never had feelings like this, and if you haven't, I'm happy for you. But if you have, you have an intimate understanding of grief. Grief leaves us wounded and in need of a Healer. Eventually, my feelings gave way to hope. Today, the thought of sitting in the woods covered in dirt doesn't have the same appeal, because with time, He healed the most broken parts of my spirit. Today, my smile is genuine, but for quite some time, it just didn't reach my heart. 
     We live around people who are grieving their own personal losses. They may smile and seem "okay" on the outside, but inside, they are a broken mess. We don't know what everyone is facing in their lives, and because of that, we need to be people of compassion. As God's children, it's our privilege to offer the same love, grace and compassion to the hurting- the ones we know are hurting, and the ones we think are doing better than they actually are. There really are people who are fighting battles we know nothing about- being kind and gracious may be just what they need to carry them through the day. May we allow God's love to pour from our own mended spirits, knowing His power to repair the brokenhearted in a very personal way. 

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 (ESV)
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 (ESV)
"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. John 14:1 (ESV)
Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. Psalm 31:9 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for being an ever present help in my time of grief and sorrow. Lord, heal those who are still hurting and in despair, and give me a heart of compassion and love for those who are broken. I thank You, Lord, for allowing me this opportunity to intimately relate to others experiencing loss, and showing them the comfort You have shown me. In Your name, I pray, Jesus, Amen!

     

The Beauty of Scars

     I have an aunt whose face tells a story. Her sweet face, once very similar to my father's, is now full of scars. Years ago, she was in a very serious car accident and suffered multiple injuries to her face, resulting in scarring and a changed appearance. What you can't see, are the emotional scars- scars on her heart after losing her husband in that accident to a drunk driver on Valentine's Day. Yet one of the most beautiful features she possesses, is her positive attitude and bright smile. My aunt is a strong woman in many ways for what she has experienced in her life, and how she persevered with the strength of God.
     The older I get in life, the more drawn I am to scarred people. We easily spot the ones with physical scars, but emotional scars are revealed with more information. Whether it's the death of a loved one, sickness, parenting a wayward child, past addictions, caring for an elderly parent, infidelity, or other trials, these are people who are carrying around wisdom earned through their unseen scars. Just because we can't see the presence of them on their bodies, makes them no less real. 
     I have a friend, who in the darker days of our marital journey through the affair, gave me a gift. The gift was a beautiful stained-glass heart. On careful examination, you can see that the heart has a seam through the middle with iron stitch marks over the seam. She knew my heart had been broken, but she also knew that in time, it would heal. In the place of that break, a scar would develop as the break would seal together again. I remember holding that heart, wishing to speed the process of those "stitches", yet God has shown that His timing is purposeful, and ultimately good. Today, I have that beautiful red, glass heart hanging on the wall in my kitchen, where I can be reminded that yes- I was broken, but today, I'm full of some stitches, and receiving more!
     Society tends to shy away from scars. We feel uncomfortable looking at the physical effects of those who have endured extreme pain, yet survived. Burn victims show a vivid picture of how susceptible our bodies are to injury. Yet the person is still there- just the same, but with scars. Don't be afraid to be a friend to scarred people. The only difference is that they journeyed through some painful circumstances, yet here they are today! Scars are beautiful, as they are the mark of a survivor. They also are people who have learned to find strength in something or Someone greater than themselves. 
     I have many scars that you can't see, and I bet you have some too! The loss of two pregnancies left some pretty painful ones in my spirit. No parent has raised their children without gaining a few either- we all make mistakes and have our struggles. And infidelity. It left a pretty painful scar you would never know about if I chose to hide it. How many around us are hurting? We may never know if we don't take time to really know them. If they are scarred, they likely have some wisdom to offer. And remember that scars aren't ugly, they are proof that we lived through something difficult. May all of us scarred people have the courage to share our experiences, and the valuable lessons we learned through them. And my prayer is that you would each know my Heavenly Father, who has carried me through each painful experience and in the process, is making me more like Him. He is full of scars too, but His are for me and for you- and those scars make Him so beautiful, for they bought our freedom!

See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Touch me, and see. For a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have." Luke 24:39 ESV
But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:5 ESV
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. 1 Peter 2:24 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, give us eyes that are compassionate towards those who have scars. And give us courage to share ours with others, and the wisdom we gained through acquiring them. May I use my scars to point others to You- the One Who bears the scars of the cross. The marks on Your body bought my freedom, and I thank You for paying such a great cost. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!


     

Pain

     Pain. We all experience it to some degree, and it's never enjoyable. Physical pain is pretty fresh in my mind as I just paid a visit to the dentist this morning for pain I've been experiencing. I had a tooth extracted last Monday, and a bone graft in the empty socket. The couple days following the procedure, I was sore, which I expected. But this past weekend (because complications always seem to arise over the weekends- am I right?), I began having throbbing pain that ibuprofen and hydrocodone barely touched. The long and short of it is, I had a dry socket in the extraction site, which is akin to childbirth in the pain department. A simple collagen sponge was inserted into my socket, and thank the Lord, the pain is already much more manageable. 
     Often, physical pain can be fixed with medicine or a procedure, and the pain is nothing but a bad, distant memory. Physical pain is actually helpful, in that it points out a problem in our body that needs immediate attention and treatment. Without feeling pain, we would not be aware that we had a medical need that needed addressed. As much as physical pain stinks, it has a good purpose, but emotional pain is a different story.
     Emotional pain can't be fixed with a prescription or a medical procedure. The pain I experienced after my husband's affair wasn't easily treated and cured. The pain he experienced as a result of what happened in our marriage, also didn't have a quick fix. Our pain was a result of infidelity and broken hearts, but there are other life events that cause emotional trauma and pain. The death of a loved one, sexual assault, and abuse are other arrows that cause deep emotional pain. If only there were a medicine that quickly fixed these issues, the developer would be a rich and famous person, for sure! While physical pain is often cured much faster, emotional pain takes time, effort, and commitment to properly heal.
     There are always lessons to learn, though, no matter what kind of pain we experience. Physical pain allows me to be compassionate when my friend says, "Can you believe I also have a dry socket?" I'll give them an understanding hug, and validate their moans and groans, knowing that they legitimately hurt. I'll offer advice about what to do to get relief, and they will listen because I've been there. Emotional pain offers the same opportunities. I hope and pray to be a voice of compassion and understanding toward others who experience infidelity in their marriage. My husband and I both wish to use our story to help hurting hearts, and make this a part of our ministry for Jesus Christ. 
     What are you hurting from? I'm sure you've experienced physical pain, but are you struggling with emotional pain in your life? In what ways can you use it to help others? In what ways have you allowed it to bring you closer to Jesus? Apart from His loving care and comfort, I would've been hard pressed to ever heal, and I am forever thankful for His help through each hurdle in my marriage, and my life. Any kind of pain forces us to stop and take notice of what's going on. If your pain is physical, listen to your body and seek answers from a physician. But if your pain is emotional, take time to seek real, lasting comfort from the Great Physician- our Savior. He has given us tools we need for healing- in others, in counseling, and through His Word. Take your pain to Him today- He longs for us to trust Him with our biggest difficulties, and in His time, He will heal the wounds we have today. I believe- because I am a living testimony of what God can do!

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4 ESV
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 ESV
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 ESV
You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book? Psalm 56:8 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for being a Healer of pain. Life can be full of many seasons that bring about deep physical or emotional pain, and I'm so grateful for Your comfort and healing in my own life. I pray that others who are hurting will find comfort in You, and that You will use me to help others. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen! 

Performance Based Commitment

     In our 21st century world, performance matters. The overachiever generally keeps their job. The better you perform, the happier your boss is, and your employer is better off because of your performance. The same is true of a student. If you put in the effort, your grades will reflect your effort. If you don't do your homework, don't study for tests, and rarely show up for class, you're setting yourself up for failure. 
     When we put in the work, we expect to benefit. That's the way of the American rat race- perform and achieve. We practice this in so many spheres of our lives that we forget that while performance is a legitimate goal in our relationships and marriages, it shouldn't be the indicator for commitment. That's not to say we throw in the towel and not bother in putting forth the effort to grow and cultivate it, but rather choosing to commit no matter how your spouse performs. This goes against the grain for us humans, as it is contrary to the worldly view of "getting what we deserve." We think if we put forth our best effort for our spouse, everything should go the way we deserve them to, and sometimes, that's just not the case.
     As Christians, our goal for our marriages should be grace- based commitment. This type of commitment is what God shows us. He looks at good works as empty, and doesn't throw us a reward for our good behavior. He also doesn't toss us aside when our behavior is sinful and ugly. He is 100% committed to us, regardless of how we perform. God's relationship with us is a picture of what a godly marriage should look like. 
     A christian marriage affected by infidelity can often shift, trying to "perform to keep". I know, because I've been there. We put pressure on ourselves to be more desirable in one way or another. This sprouts from feelings left over from insecurity and doubt, but are contrary to God's plan for us. Our thought pattern must change to view our marriage in a healthy light.
     As healing takes place, these feelings will fade with time, but in moments where we feel the need to perform to achieve a secure marriage, we need to step back and remember God's relationship with us. We are humans and we will mess up. Some days, I have better hair than others, and some days, my smile is a lot easier to find. I'll hurt feelings and blurt out stupid comments. And at the end of the day, just as God shows me grace when I poorly perform, my spouse should do the same. This isn't to say we don't need to apologize for missing the mark, but that our mess-up days won't change the commitment of our marriage partner. This is grace-based commitment- a commitment that says, "I'm here for you, even when you fall short!" 

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2:8-9 ESV
And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. John 1:16 ESV
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8 ESV
But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift. Ephesians 4:7 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to remember that we are committed to our spouse, regardless of performance. Our behavior from other spheres of life often gets us confused and we forget the standard is different within our marriages. Help me to shower grace on my spouse, and remember that some days will be better than others. Thank You for showing me grace when I fail, and I pray that I will show that same grace to others that fail me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

*** Physical or emotional abuse isn't to be ignored or glossed over- even in a Christian marriage. If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek professional help.

Triggered

     If you have experienced an emotional trauma in life, you likely have triggers that bring it back to mind. It may be a smell, a phrase, a song, or something you see. You may think you have effectively put it away from the forefront of your mind, and when you experience a trigger, it slams its unwelcome presence back to the surface of your brain. We may do our best to try to avoid our triggers, but at some point, we will likely come face to face with one that will unnerve us and cause us to remember. 

     For me, I have quite a few that come to mind. I love music- many different genres. There is an extensive list of country music songs that make me dive for the power button, hoping to never hear them again. And places- I have a list of them that I prefer not to revisit for the memories they evoke. Even seasons can be painful, remembering what was going on during that time when we were in our valley of pain and heartache. 

     You likely have your own triggers, and you know what they are. It's crazy how well we think we are doing, and then a trigger puts us back in our minds to a place we don't want to remember. But the triggers will stay with us, so I have made a plan for what to do with them when they surface- because I know they will. I could choose to let them ruin my day or moment, or I can look at them in a different way. I can see how far I have come from that bad memory, and how God faithfully walked me through the storm. I can remember the family and friends that stepped in and carried my burdens with me. I can see how God used that bad season to make me stronger and more dependent on Him. I can see how He placed people in my life that would need me because I know the pain of that trial- and how their need of me, in turn, helped in my own healing. Yes, I will choose to think of the good that came from those bad moments when I hear that blasted song yet again, or think about that place I don't want to go, ever again. And one day, those memories won't hurt quite so bad. I'll learn to be thankful that God allowed them, knowing it would be a part of my story that would make me softer, more relatable, and overwhelmed at God's ability to make what was intended for evil, more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. 

And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. Deuteronomy 8:2 ESV

Remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me, Isaiah 46:9 ESV

I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. Psalm 77:11 ESV

I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands. Psalm 143:5 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, my memory holds some painful experiences, but I pray that You will help me recall Your faithfulness to me through those experiences. You walked me through the darkest parts of my story, and You are there even when I think I don't need You. Lord, I always need You, and I'm thankful You are always there with me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

     

Broken Home- Broken Kids

     I am a mama bear when it comes to my babies. My babies really aren't babies- they are in their early 20's, but to me, they will always be my babies.  If you hurt them, it hurts me more. I would walk through fire for them, and slay dragons for them, if they existed. I don't like to see them disappointed or hurt, and most parents feel the same way.
     One of Satan's biggest lies, regarding separation and divorce, is that it's better for the kids this way. Unless we are talking an abusive relationship, I don't buy that lie. I witnessed the change in my children, and the devastating effect it had on them- and it wasn't for the better. Their security was shattered, their role model was tarnished, and their lives were forever changed by infidelity. 
     My kids grew up in a home centered on Jesus, and the principles of God's Word. They were told from the earliest age that we would always be together, and they didn't have to worry about divorce in our home. We told them we were 100% committed to one another, and would always remain that way. So they didn't worry- it wasn't in the cards for our family. They saw their friends families broken, but never feared it would happen to us. So when it did, it was completely unexpected, and an absolute shock.
     Our children are a gift to us. They look up to us, and a stable upbringing is so important for a healthy mind. I will never forget the looks on the faces of our kids when they were told by their dad he was choosing to leave. If I could stop right here, and just reach out to any reader that may be on the side of having an affair- PLEASE COUNT THE COST! And for any other reader- GUARD YOUR MARRIAGE, PLEASE! Infidelity causes so much pain, and steals so much, from so many.
     While there is a lot of brokenness in our family and home, we serve a God of restoration. If you are a christian, you've witnessed how He changed you when He brought you out of darkness, into His light. This same God can do this with marriages, and families. He can't do it without our cooperation, but apart from Him, I have no doubt we would remain broken. Relationships have to be rebuilt, and trust and respect will be a process. While I am a fan of quick fixes, there isn't one for a home assaulted by infidelity. 
     While a quick fix isn't possible, a long term solution is. In Him, there is always hope when we are willing. If you are both willing, the first key is to have God at the center of all that is ahead. If you try to use any substitute for the Holy Spirit, the results will be lacking. Be there for your kids as a safe place to share feelings, and give them love and support. Encourage counseling and foster an open line of communication with them. While we will at times fail our kids as parents, our Heavenly Father never will. We have the perfect example in Him, and the perfect Parent. We will fall short of His example, but with His guidance, and our obedience to Him, we can repair what was broken. It may never be the same, but there is a possibility for something better- and only God can do that. 

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Psalm 127:3 ESV
Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, Titus 2:7 ESV
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 ESV
"Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me? Jeremiah 32:27 ESV
You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again. Psalm 71:20-21

Dear Heavenly Father, help our children who are hurting from our choices, and those of our spouses. Help us to be there for them, and show them unconditional love and support. Give healing and restoration, as only You can. I thank You for the precious gift of our children. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!