The Shame Game

 "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones (Proverbs 12:4, NASB)."

Words. They bring pleasure and they spread poison. They wound, hurt and jab. They encourage, comfort and build confidence. In short, they can be used for good and for bad. What we say matters. A lot. Especially the words we say to or about our spouse. In our culture, it's not uncommon to hear women groan about their husbands. "They work too much. They are lazy. They are moody. They are messy. They need to lose weight. They yell too much at the kids." The list can be pretty extensive, yet personalized to the man behind these verbal barbs. And oftentimes they are directed straight to the source, putting him down and bringing "rottenness to his bones".

But I'm guessing this isn't a new problem, as Solomon saw fit to include this statement in the book of Proverbs. And I'm also guessing with the number of wives he had, he experienced plenty of this in his own life (another reason why polygamy is not God's plan for us). And let us remember that nothing was placed in Scripture that God did not want there—after all, it's His Word. And so this statement is important and relevant.

I'll not say that I've never put my own husband down to him, or in front of others, because I would sadly be lying. But as I've gotten older, I've realized how damaging it is to a man—and a marriage, to practice this behavior. It goes completely against the directive found in Ephesians chapter 5, written by the Apostle Paul, to respect our husband. This respect spoken of by Paul is not conditional. This means we respect them whether they have earned it or not. This goes against the modern way of thinking, and challenges us to stretch ourselves and ask God to fill seasons where this may be difficult on our part. 

One way we can show this respect toward our husbands is to refuse to belittle them or put them down. Ever. That doesn't mean that they never need to hear constructive criticism, done the right way. In private. Using kindness. This is one way we can be an excellent crown to our husbands. With my personal opinion removed, it's never biblical or spiritual to engage in an argument in front of other people. Does it happen? Yes. But it's never right or acceptable to do so. And to be quite frank, no one else enjoys being spectators to this either.

And so we can flip the coin on this one, refusing to implant words that lead to rottenness. We can instead choose words that lead to life and joy and bring peace—words that encourage and show respect. We can step into a group of women who may be husband bashing, and say something great about ours—or we can simply walk away, refusing to engage. We can tell our kids things that build him up. Things like, "your dad works very hard to provide for us all." Or, "give Dad some space today because he has had a rough day (even if you think yours was harder than his)." Or maybe even, "dad is so generous toward us, and I'm so thankful for him." 

Our words have great power, as wives. Our men can be built up by them, or torn down. Our kids are witness to our words, and are taking note. What do they see and hear from you? Does it line up with Scripture, and would God be pleased with how you speak to, and about your husband? It's never too late to make improvements in our marriages, and if you feel you have fallen short, make changes starting today. When you do, don't be surprised when you see it transform the man you love. And don't be surprised when in turn, he behaves in a much more loving way toward you. 

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband (Ephesians 5:33, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us as wives to show respect and speak honorably about our husbands—even when we think they don't deserve it. Open our eyes to how we sometimes bring shame to them with our words, and how it goes against Your design for our marriage. In Your name we pray, Amen!

An Ephesians 5 Wife

 Maybe you've witnessed it like I have, and it made you cringe. A woman, mad at her husband, smacks him out of anger. People stare-amused, and some even laugh; but not me. If anything, it makes me sad and it shows disregard for what Ephesians 5 has to say about our role as a wife. Just because we are the "weaker vessel," doesn't give us authority to show this ultimate display of blatant disrespect. And while this way of being disrespectful is obvious, there are more subtle ways of disrespect that I often am guilty of. So, what can we learn from Ephesians 5 about being a godly wife? I would like to insert the scripture right here, so we can uncover the truth about being the wife God wants us to be.

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord (Ephesians 5:27)."

"However, let each of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband (Ephesians 5:33)."

First, we have the instruction to submit to our husbands, and as modern-day women, this word makes us squirm. We live in a world that is about serving self, making submission feels repressive. Truthfully if practiced God's way, this is a completely inaccurate thought. We aren't asked to be a doormat, or to be treated as one, but rather to encourage leadership in our husbands. While this subject is too big to limit to one blog post, the idea behind it is one that encourages the husband to love his wife as himself, and lead by love. I love how Dr. James Dobson made this statement: "The relationship isn't of master to servant; it's of lover and beloved." The women is not inferior to the man, she simply accepts his godly, loving leadership and allows him to guide her-offering security and support. 

But the bigger point of my blog post today falls into the final instruction to wives in Ephesians chapter 5~respect your husband! While I certainly don't physically assault my husband, I confess to failing to respect him at times. Disrespect is so rampant in our culture that we are often de-sensitized to how we transfer this behavior to our relationships without really realizing it. We may point out the faults of our husband to our girlfriends, or even in a social setting right in front of him (I've been guilty). We criticize him or pick jokes at his expense in front of the kids. We correct him in front of others, belittling his self-confidence. We laugh at something he is sensitive about. There are so many examples of disrespect that are oftentimes deemed socially normal, but fall short of what scripture teaches. This behavior tears down the spirit of our husband and is a cancer to his self-confidence and ability to lead well.  

It's pretty commonplace to respect authority in the workplace. We generally don't speak rudely to our boss, refuse to listen to the CEO, or disregard the suggestions of the one who signs our paycheck. And we certainly wouldn't physically assault them, as that would surely land us out of a job, and behind bars. We show respect to our boss because they have a position of authority over us. There is purpose in their position, and they are looking out for the good of the whole. Their leadership is for our good, and benefits all who submit to their authority. It's crazy how we readily accept their authority, and willingly respect them, yet often fail to show our husbands the respect they need. 

If there is a lesson we can learn today about being an Ephesians 5 wife, I pray it finds us more mindful of how we are treating our husbands. I pray our hearts would be changed by this scripture passage, and that we would remove any areas of disrespect we find in our own marriages and relationships. They so easily sneak in, and they are like poison to a healthy, godly union. God placed this passage in His Word because He is a good Father who knows what we need the most. I pray as a wife, these words will change me, and transform the way I treat my spouse. Just as a boss's leadership benefits the whole, the loving leadership of our husbands is for the good of our marriage and our family. May I never minimize the truth of this, and demonstrate behavior and actions that align with giving him respect.

Dear Heavenly Father, Your Word gives us instruction for being the wife You want us to be. Help us to submit to Your ways, and in turn, submit and respect our husbands. May we remember that our marriage is a picture of Your relationship with the body of Christ, and the seriousness of that responsibility. May we be a clear picture of an Ephesians 5 wife, bringing glory to You, Lord. In Your name we pray, Amen!