New Mercies

 Maybe you have a special place where you love meeting with Jesus to talk and just spend time together. For me—it's our neighborhood gated boat ramp. It's generally empty during the day so it's the perfect place to be outdoors, enjoy His beautiful creation, and have a good visit. If people saw me, they would likely think I'm crazy because I love to talk out loud—it just feels more real that way for me. And sometimes I sing—also good I'm alone down there. But this week on one of our visits, I enjoyed the truth from the book of Lamentations. The book title itself sounds negative and oppressing—but there are some really beautiful truths we don't want to gloss over. Like this well-known one which touched my heart this week:

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness (Lamentations 3:22-23, ESV)."

This is a truth I know in theory from reading Scripture, but it often slips my mind as I rise another day, unsure or sometimes anxious at what may lie ahead for me. But as I strolled through our boat dock I saw the truth of it all around me—and in me. This is what I saw:

There was the sun—same as yesterday, giving light for us to see. And it'll be there tomorrow as well. I crave the light and He gives it faithfully each day.

I saw deer scurrying through the woods in search of a tender leaf or fleeing from the disruption from my intrusion into their world. This happens day after day, and there they were again—doing all things deer. There are new opportunities in this day—new adventures and new food choices. He provides for them because He cares for His creation.

I saw my favorite blue heron—Baby Blue is what I like to call her. She's in search of fish as she soars above the waters surface scanning for one to rise close enough to swoop it out of the lake. She's been there for months and I plan to see her again tomorrow. She's not worried today that she won't have food tomorrow. She's enjoying the hunt of today without anxiety or worry.

And there's me. The past is behind me and I've made plenty of mistakes for sure. There's no reason He should want to meet with me here in this place, or any place for that matter. But I know He craves this time with me and He won't hold yesterday against me—He beckons me to start fresh today with repentance and appreciation for the grace He liberally bestows on me. New opportunities are in this day and He faithfully provides for me in ways I often fail to notice or give thanks for. 

What kind of God does this for us—for me? What is it in Him that gives me a chance, day after day, to start fresh? It's His love for me—a love bigger than I can understand. These times spent with Him are precious and special and I think the most awesome part of it all is that He enjoys this time with me! He loves giving me new mercies every morning and His very character is one of faithfulness! My thoughts aren't deep or complicated this week, but I hope that they may encourage any who have not met with Him as much lately to make some time for a really good visit. May your hearts be warmed by His new mercies and His faithful love—they are such precious gifts and give us the opportunity to lay aside the burdens and mistakes of yesterday, and embrace this new day! 

Harsh Words Damage Relationships

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear (Ephesians 4:29, ESV).
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back (Proverbs 29:11, ESV).
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18, ESV).

Can you remember all the great things people have said about you through your life? I know I can remember a few—especially those said by someone that oftentimes isn’t complimentary. I remember praise for accomplishing certain milestones or tasks, and I remember promises made involving serious things like marriage vows. I remember whispered words of encouragement when I was walking through some very difficult moments in life, but man oh man I remember harsh words.

Why is it that the really bad things we have heard stick with us, filling us with whispers of doubt and fear in moments of weakness? They lay under the surface of our thoughts, easily erupting when we need them the least. It should give us great pause before we allow ourselves to speak, knowing the impact can last for decades—sometimes even forever. 

Rash words really are often like sword thrusts, aiming at our hearts and wounding oftentimes more seriously than a physical injury. Learning to rein in our words should be constant. At any moment given the wrong situation, we can so easily lash out with hurtful comments. This is often especially true with those closest to us—the ones we know love us most and will forgive our verbal jabs. I find this is fairly common among couples learning to live side by side, day after day.

Stressful situations can lead us to be careless with our words. Feeling hungry, sleepy or ill can also lead us to snap or say something rude or unkind. When we use words that are harsh or unkind, Scripture says we speak as a fool. These words have consequences and reveal the state of our hearts. If you’re known as one that can aptly cut with your words in a clever, sarcastic or cruel way, you are not a picture of Christ.

Our society places value on sarcasm and criticism, but within a marriage or any relationship, that form of speech damages and tears down. Our speech, as believers, should build up and encourage. As I write this, I am convicted when I think of the many times I have used clever, cutting words and felt almost proud of how I put someone in their place. May God change our hearts and may we be convicted of our speech when it falls short.

Marriages need kindness. Your spouse needs words that affirm and encourage. There is no situation where we are justified in using harsh language. My challenge to each of us today is to pay attention to our words. What tone are you using when you speak? Is what you’re saying beneficial or destructive? Words are often forgotten, but I think it’s so important to know that harsh words spoken are often remembered for many years, causing bitterness, along with emotional and mental pain. Speak kindly, and by doing so, it will reveal the Spirit of God within you. 

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak (Matthew 12:36, ESV),

 

The Shame Game

 "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones (Proverbs 12:4, NASB)."

Words. They bring pleasure and they spread poison. They wound, hurt and jab. They encourage, comfort and build confidence. In short, they can be used for good and for bad. What we say matters. A lot. Especially the words we say to or about our spouse. In our culture, it's not uncommon to hear women groan about their husbands. "They work too much. They are lazy. They are moody. They are messy. They need to lose weight. They yell too much at the kids." The list can be pretty extensive, yet personalized to the man behind these verbal barbs. And oftentimes they are directed straight to the source, putting him down and bringing "rottenness to his bones".

But I'm guessing this isn't a new problem, as Solomon saw fit to include this statement in the book of Proverbs. And I'm also guessing with the number of wives he had, he experienced plenty of this in his own life (another reason why polygamy is not God's plan for us). And let us remember that nothing was placed in Scripture that God did not want there—after all, it's His Word. And so this statement is important and relevant.

I'll not say that I've never put my own husband down to him, or in front of others, because I would sadly be lying. But as I've gotten older, I've realized how damaging it is to a man—and a marriage, to practice this behavior. It goes completely against the directive found in Ephesians chapter 5, written by the Apostle Paul, to respect our husband. This respect spoken of by Paul is not conditional. This means we respect them whether they have earned it or not. This goes against the modern way of thinking, and challenges us to stretch ourselves and ask God to fill seasons where this may be difficult on our part. 

One way we can show this respect toward our husbands is to refuse to belittle them or put them down. Ever. That doesn't mean that they never need to hear constructive criticism, done the right way. In private. Using kindness. This is one way we can be an excellent crown to our husbands. With my personal opinion removed, it's never biblical or spiritual to engage in an argument in front of other people. Does it happen? Yes. But it's never right or acceptable to do so. And to be quite frank, no one else enjoys being spectators to this either.

And so we can flip the coin on this one, refusing to implant words that lead to rottenness. We can instead choose words that lead to life and joy and bring peace—words that encourage and show respect. We can step into a group of women who may be husband bashing, and say something great about ours—or we can simply walk away, refusing to engage. We can tell our kids things that build him up. Things like, "your dad works very hard to provide for us all." Or, "give Dad some space today because he has had a rough day (even if you think yours was harder than his)." Or maybe even, "dad is so generous toward us, and I'm so thankful for him." 

Our words have great power, as wives. Our men can be built up by them, or torn down. Our kids are witness to our words, and are taking note. What do they see and hear from you? Does it line up with Scripture, and would God be pleased with how you speak to, and about your husband? It's never too late to make improvements in our marriages, and if you feel you have fallen short, make changes starting today. When you do, don't be surprised when you see it transform the man you love. And don't be surprised when in turn, he behaves in a much more loving way toward you. 

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband (Ephesians 5:33, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us as wives to show respect and speak honorably about our husbands—even when we think they don't deserve it. Open our eyes to how we sometimes bring shame to them with our words, and how it goes against Your design for our marriage. In Your name we pray, Amen!

Waiting On Your Answer

     The days ticked by, and still it wasn't happening. It just didn't seem to matter how much I prayed, or how much hope I tried to muster, he still wasn't home. I believed God was able, but I couldn't figure out why He wasn't stepping in and giving me the desires of my heart. I waited. I hoped. I prayed. I believed-yet, God chose to allow the situation to continue. I couldn't understand it in those days and months-it simply didn't seem right. I felt much like the father in the story of the prodigal son, faithfully waiting for my own prodigal to return, only to go to bed each night again, disappointed and lonely.
     Waiting doesn't come easy for any of us when we are waiting for something we desperately want. Surgery dates, root canals, court dates and the last day of vacation don't work that way. Those come much quicker than we can even imagine, but not the anguished prayers of our hearts-those take time. Even so, God has great purpose in our waiting, and oftentimes He withholds our answer because He is doing a greater work in our own hearts and lives. It's our moment of being purified by His fire, and the goal is the become more like Him. It burns and it hurts, but the process is for our spiritual good-good that has eternal value. 
     What are you waiting for today? What desperate pleas are you lifting up to our heavenly Father? Is it a child that has wandered from their faith? Is it a husband that has fallen to alcoholism? Is it a daughter who carries a child conceived out of marriage? A husband content to play video games and skip church? A wife who is unfaithful and unwilling to return home? Is it a sick child-fragile, and too young to die? Or maybe your job situation is less than ideal, and causes you great anxiety and stress. Some of us are in the middle of some pretty big trials, and some much less, yet we all have walked inside situations we longed to escape. 
     If you're one of the ones that feel desperate today, can I encourage you not to lose hope? Can I remind you that in this season of waiting, God is refining you? Can I encourage you that He only refines His own children, and that by walking through this trial, you can feel connected to Him as your Father? I won't profess to love my own seasons of waiting, because I can promise you, those seasons are painful. And while they are painful, they are also sweet. I've never felt closer to Jesus than in those dark valleys of waiting. Because it was in those moments that I knew my absolute need of Him. And He never lets us down in those seasons-He is always faithful and always giving us the strength and comfort we need to wait another day.
     Friend, keep praying, and don't lose heart! There is no situation too difficult for God, and there is no situation He doesn't walk with us. We are not left alone to figure it out on our own. We often feel we are, and take matters into our own hands only to make a bigger mess of it. As hard as it is somedays, trust Him with it all. Believe that He's working, even when you can't see it. And never stop looking for your own prodigal to walk down that long road toward home. And when it happens-praise the God of Heaven each day for His goodness to us. 

I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak, ... Ezekiel 34:16a (ESV)
For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost Luke 19:10 (ESV).
For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found." And they began to celebrate Luke 15:24 (ESV).

Dear heavenly Father, we are all prodigals, and You've waited so long for each of us so many times. You know the anguish of our hearts, and are no stranger to waiting. Give us patience and hope as we wait for You to do a marvelous work through our prayers for Your ultimate glory. In Your name we pray, Amen!

Why Do I Need Friends?

          "Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then  
           wait to hear the answer." - Ed Cunningham

      I had just lost a pregnancy I desperately longed for since I was a little girl, it seemed. A sonogram revealed something I never imagined- my baby had died in the womb. A "blighted ovum" they called it, something that was fairly common, but didn't feel common to me. Tears came until there were none left. I was heartbroken, tired and out of words. All of the anticipation of being a mom ended with a D & C, removing the remains of my precious first child. So many people loved me, and I knew that. But I'll never forget the friend that came to sit with me- not to say anything, because no amount of words could fix my sadness. She came to sit with me, just offering her presence. She mourned across the couch, and I felt better because I knew she was there. She was a friend to me in my time of need, and I was so thankful for her.
     Then there was that awful period after my marriage fell apart. My home was similar to one that had just lost a family member, and in a sense, that's exactly what had happened. People brought food. People came to sit with me. People came to pray with me. These precious friends cried with me, too- feeling my grief alongside me. They came to hang out and help me feel supported and less lonely. They sent flowers and cards, and texted to check on me. They helped to fill a huge void in my life- the missing companionship of my husband. These people gave me life when my heart felt dead. They made me smile and laugh and gave me light when I felt surrounded by darkness. Because that's what friends do, right?
     Friends are something we all need. They enrich our lives and throw us a lifeline when life gets rough and we feel like we're drowning in sorrow and fear. Our all-knowing, wonderful God created the whole concept of friendship for a reason- because He knew how much we needed them. Women generally do better with establishing friendships than men, yet men are no less in need of true friends. Friends are a huge source of support throughout our lives, offering love, advice, help and encouragement. Friends are a network of accountability as well, giving us a sounding board and perspective. They tell us when we need to straighten up- not afraid of ruffling our feathers. 
     Life's problems seem a little more bearable with the support of our friends. We feel more capable in hard times, because they help us carry the load. We share our burdens with our closest friends, not worried they will ostracize us or turn their backs on us. We can be vulnerable with them, because we know they care for us and want what's best for us. Men- you need people like this in your life, and you need to learn to be a friend to other men that need you. When you have friends, they will be there for you when you fall. They will encourage you to get back up again. Women- if you struggle with friendships, you also need them. You can try to handle life's problems alone, but why would you want to? As Christians, we enjoy a friend relationship with our heavenly Father, but we also need a godly network of people in our lives that will be there for us in good times and bad times. If you find yourself in a crisis, these people will be there for you. I will always be thankful for my friend group, and for how they carried me through my most painful seasons. If you're one of them, know you will always have a special place in my heart. And if you ever need a friend, I am here for you. Let's not be too proud to share our burdens and allow others to help us when our burdens are simply too heavy for us to carry ourselves. Thank God for the gift of friendship, and how He gives abundantly when we simply ask for a friend. 
PS... My husband that I wrote about in this post? Today, he's my closest friend. I'll never get over how amazing God is, and how He really does give abundantly more!

Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel. Proverbs 27:9 (ESV)
A friend loves at all times, ... Proverbs 17:17a (ESV)
Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another, Proverbs 27:17 (ESV)

Dear heavenly Father, we thank You for the gift of friendship. Thank You for those You have placed in our lives, sharing the burdens and joys we experience. Help us, in turn, to be a good friend to others. And Father, we thank You for being our greatest Friend. In Your name we pray, Amen!

Relationship Post : So You're Not Perfect?

     We can often wrestle with our own flaws and imperfections, aware that we have many. For me, I have an extensive list- some are physical characteristics I wish were different, and some are character traits I haven't yet been successful in changing. These imperfections can irritate me and while I want to change them, I often lack the discipline required to be victorious over them. While others may see me as acceptable overall, I am always aware of my limitations. Most days, I don't allow them to get to me, but somedays, I struggle with them. It's funny, really, how we see our own faults and then hold others to a standard that is impossible to achieve. Like the one we share our life with. 
     In the beginning of a relationship, we often don't see the faults they possess, or even if we do, we believe we can change them. When we fall in love, we become blind to their flaws- "love is blind", right? And then after time begins to pass, we become shocked and disappointed to find out they are just like us- flawed individuals, falling short of perfection. We may even begin to question our choice, and some may even decide to throw in the towel. The thing is, you'll exchange them for another flawed person who will eventually disappoint you as well. 
     If you chose well, (and as a believer, you chose a like-minded believer) then it's time to take a step back before calling it quits. What qualities attracted you to them in the first place? Are the imperfections deal-breakers (there aren't many that should make that list), or just the result of being imperfect humans? Just like you, they have their own shortcomings and struggles. Instead of pointing out the failures of our spouse or significant other, we should look for ways to build them up and encourage them. We will never like every quality they possess, and they will never like each ours either- and that's okay!
     When sin entered the Garden through Satan's tempting of Adam and Eve, we all became imperfect. None of us will achieve the status of perfection, even though some believe they are pretty close to the mark. It's my spouses responsibility to love me, regardless of my faults. That doesn't mean he shouldn't encourage growth where I need growth- but it does mean that he understands that just like him, I'm going to fail and make mistakes. I'm going to mess up and have my own set of insecurities. And at the end of the day, we commit to sticking it out together, because we are just two flawed humans who fell in love, made vows before God, and promised to help each other through our weaknesses and failures. Jesus was the only perfect One, and I'll always fall short of His standard this side of Heaven, but thank God His blood covers it all! So the next time your spouse splatters toothpaste on the mirror, leaves the dirty clothes on the floor, or is late for the third time this week- remember they are human, just like you. Acknowledge that you fell in love with a person that isn't perfect, and that's okay!

** Just a side note - I chose random flaws, and not ones that reflect my own husband;) 

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, Romans 3:23 ESV
As it is written: "None is righteous, no, not one; Romans 3:10 ESV
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 ESV
And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. Luke 6:31 ESV
Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins. Ecclesiastes 7:20 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, we are far from perfect, and while we know our own flaws, we often have trouble accepting them in others. Help me to be understanding, kind and forgiving when I'm faced with the imperfections of my spouse. Thank You for loving me despite the sin that makes me so flawed and messy. Help me to show that same love to others, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

What is Written on Yours?

     If you're a Christian, you've probably figured out by now that we aren't exempt from trials and suffering. We didn't get an easy pass as soon as we accepted Him as our Savior. I've heard people say after a tragedy or trial, "and they are even a Christian, and yet it still happened to them" -almost puzzled by it. There are many bonuses to being redeemed, but one of them isn't a cake walk through life.
     I think we are not as shocked by infidelity when it hits the average secular home, yet when it hits the home of a Christian, we often don't get it. It can throw us for a loop when we don't realize that each one of us is clothed in humanity, making none of us immune to sin and the consequences of living in a fallen world. I'm approaching my 50's and I've had my share of tests and trials, and I'm guessing you have as well.
     I was enjoying a scripture that gives us a little comfort in knowing we aren't alone in this "cross bearing" journey we are traveling: "And he said to ALL, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me (Luke 9:23 ESV). If we are followers of Jesus, we will still have our crosses to bear. While we are encouraged to pick it up and keep following Jesus, we are also asked to deny ourselves. This is a tall order for our selfish nature to fill. And so I look at this scripture and apply it to our marital crisis.
     If I can make it a visual application, my cross has "betrayed by infidelity" written on it. But if I look closer, it has many other things written on it as well. Some are the results of others sin against me, and plenty are the result of my own pride and disobedience against God. The words on my cross are painful and shameful, and yet it has my name on it to bear. I can choose to let it lay there on the ground and feel sorry for myself, saying it's too heavy to pick up- that's the easy way. Or, I can look at the encouraging face of my Savior, calling out to me, "Ruth, while this is painful to carry, and really heavy, you can do this through My strength. Don't worry about what others are doing or saying, they have their own cross to carry, just pick it up, and follow Me." 
     Friends, we are called to walk through some tough circumstances, and yet it is within our power to persevere and follow our God, or allow them to defeat us. If infidelity is a part of your story too, what are you going to do with your cross? Yes, it's heavy, and yes, it hurts, but when we follow Jesus, we won't be led down a path of disappointment. While we often think we are entitled to only good things, it's often our cross bearing that will give us our identity in Jesus. How well are you carrying yours? Does it point others to your Source of strength, or do you refuse to deny yourself and let it lay useless on the ground? I won't say I never lay mine down, but when we do, we only need to look to Him to give us the strength to hoist it back up, and keep following our Lord! 

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5 ESV
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, Hebrews 12:1 ESV
For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. Hebrews 10:36 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, how thankful I am that when we are called to carry our crosses, You draw alongside and help and encourage us. Some crosses are heavier than others, but none are too heavy when we allow Your strength to fuel us. Lord, when You call me to follow You through the dark and painful places, may I deny myself, and obediently follow You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Don't Know what You've Got Until it's Gone

     There's a lot of truth to the title and lyrics of this song by Cinderella. This likely dates me a little- back to the 80's, which was a pretty good decade, to be honest. But just the simple truth in the song title is as real as real gets. For me, I took my life and my marriage for granted, but when faced with the very real possibility of losing my marriage, there was a lot of loss associated with that.
     It's a lot easier, today, to write a blog post on this subject, because I know the outcome of our journey through infidelity. But in reality, there is a lot to be gained in taking stock of whatever stage of life we are living today. Even in those darker months and years, there were life lessons and cultivating that I needed to learn and experience in order to appreciate today. When I think of life without my husband, I realize with clarity, the real sense of loss I faced. 
     Losing my marriage meant losing so much more than just a wedding ring and a last name. It meant losing my life partner- losing the yin to my yang (whatever that even is;). It meant making big decisions on my own and finishing up parenting as separated parents- not united. It meant quiet, lonely evenings and cereal for dinner, because cooking for one is a waste of my time. There was no one to fall asleep with each night, and no one to share all the little details of my day and my life. Who would care for me if I fell ill? What would I do with our family home and how do we separate personal items? There is so much associated with our marriage partner that we don't even realize until we lose it. For those readers whose spouse has died, my heart hurts for you. There is a permanency there that forces one to move forward without their other half, and I'm sure the pain is horrible.
     One of the best lessons to take from each day, and each moment in our journey, is to find the good in where we are. There is always good even in our most difficult moments. I can see the hugs, support, love, and prayers from my dearest friends and family in those dark times, and I see good. I look at how God made His presence so real and so comforting and I praise Him for His goodness. I can see how I was changed for the better through what we experienced. I can see how my husband is a better man because of what God brought us through. I see the good in our marriage today, and how much richer it is from experiencing near loss. Whatever it is you are facing today, I encourage you to see the good, and not just the heartache. It's understandable and easy to wish away these more difficult days, but trust that God is with you in your today, and He will use these moments to make a better "you" than you could ever imagine. Loss makes us appreciate what we do have, and I pray that today, you will find the touches of God in your present, and praise Him for them!

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 ESV
He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, Colossians 1:13 ESV
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27 ESV
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 ESV
This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. Psalm 119:50 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for giving back to me not only what I almost lost, but so much more. That is something only You can do, Father, and I praise You for Your ability to bless us beyond measure. For those who have lost a spouse, I pray for comfort and healing. We are so thankful that no matter what our circumstances, You are with us. You love us with a love we can't understand, and we are so grateful. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!