Harsh Words Damage Relationships

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear (Ephesians 4:29, ESV).
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back (Proverbs 29:11, ESV).
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18, ESV).

Can you remember all the great things people have said about you through your life? I know I can remember a few—especially those said by someone that oftentimes isn’t complimentary. I remember praise for accomplishing certain milestones or tasks, and I remember promises made involving serious things like marriage vows. I remember whispered words of encouragement when I was walking through some very difficult moments in life, but man oh man I remember harsh words.

Why is it that the really bad things we have heard stick with us, filling us with whispers of doubt and fear in moments of weakness? They lay under the surface of our thoughts, easily erupting when we need them the least. It should give us great pause before we allow ourselves to speak, knowing the impact can last for decades—sometimes even forever. 

Rash words really are often like sword thrusts, aiming at our hearts and wounding oftentimes more seriously than a physical injury. Learning to rein in our words should be constant. At any moment given the wrong situation, we can so easily lash out with hurtful comments. This is often especially true with those closest to us—the ones we know love us most and will forgive our verbal jabs. I find this is fairly common among couples learning to live side by side, day after day.

Stressful situations can lead us to be careless with our words. Feeling hungry, sleepy or ill can also lead us to snap or say something rude or unkind. When we use words that are harsh or unkind, Scripture says we speak as a fool. These words have consequences and reveal the state of our hearts. If you’re known as one that can aptly cut with your words in a clever, sarcastic or cruel way, you are not a picture of Christ.

Our society places value on sarcasm and criticism, but within a marriage or any relationship, that form of speech damages and tears down. Our speech, as believers, should build up and encourage. As I write this, I am convicted when I think of the many times I have used clever, cutting words and felt almost proud of how I put someone in their place. May God change our hearts and may we be convicted of our speech when it falls short.

Marriages need kindness. Your spouse needs words that affirm and encourage. There is no situation where we are justified in using harsh language. My challenge to each of us today is to pay attention to our words. What tone are you using when you speak? Is what you’re saying beneficial or destructive? Words are often forgotten, but I think it’s so important to know that harsh words spoken are often remembered for many years, causing bitterness, along with emotional and mental pain. Speak kindly, and by doing so, it will reveal the Spirit of God within you. 

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak (Matthew 12:36, ESV),

 

The Shame Game

 "An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones (Proverbs 12:4, NASB)."

Words. They bring pleasure and they spread poison. They wound, hurt and jab. They encourage, comfort and build confidence. In short, they can be used for good and for bad. What we say matters. A lot. Especially the words we say to or about our spouse. In our culture, it's not uncommon to hear women groan about their husbands. "They work too much. They are lazy. They are moody. They are messy. They need to lose weight. They yell too much at the kids." The list can be pretty extensive, yet personalized to the man behind these verbal barbs. And oftentimes they are directed straight to the source, putting him down and bringing "rottenness to his bones".

But I'm guessing this isn't a new problem, as Solomon saw fit to include this statement in the book of Proverbs. And I'm also guessing with the number of wives he had, he experienced plenty of this in his own life (another reason why polygamy is not God's plan for us). And let us remember that nothing was placed in Scripture that God did not want there—after all, it's His Word. And so this statement is important and relevant.

I'll not say that I've never put my own husband down to him, or in front of others, because I would sadly be lying. But as I've gotten older, I've realized how damaging it is to a man—and a marriage, to practice this behavior. It goes completely against the directive found in Ephesians chapter 5, written by the Apostle Paul, to respect our husband. This respect spoken of by Paul is not conditional. This means we respect them whether they have earned it or not. This goes against the modern way of thinking, and challenges us to stretch ourselves and ask God to fill seasons where this may be difficult on our part. 

One way we can show this respect toward our husbands is to refuse to belittle them or put them down. Ever. That doesn't mean that they never need to hear constructive criticism, done the right way. In private. Using kindness. This is one way we can be an excellent crown to our husbands. With my personal opinion removed, it's never biblical or spiritual to engage in an argument in front of other people. Does it happen? Yes. But it's never right or acceptable to do so. And to be quite frank, no one else enjoys being spectators to this either.

And so we can flip the coin on this one, refusing to implant words that lead to rottenness. We can instead choose words that lead to life and joy and bring peace—words that encourage and show respect. We can step into a group of women who may be husband bashing, and say something great about ours—or we can simply walk away, refusing to engage. We can tell our kids things that build him up. Things like, "your dad works very hard to provide for us all." Or, "give Dad some space today because he has had a rough day (even if you think yours was harder than his)." Or maybe even, "dad is so generous toward us, and I'm so thankful for him." 

Our words have great power, as wives. Our men can be built up by them, or torn down. Our kids are witness to our words, and are taking note. What do they see and hear from you? Does it line up with Scripture, and would God be pleased with how you speak to, and about your husband? It's never too late to make improvements in our marriages, and if you feel you have fallen short, make changes starting today. When you do, don't be surprised when you see it transform the man you love. And don't be surprised when in turn, he behaves in a much more loving way toward you. 

However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband (Ephesians 5:33, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us as wives to show respect and speak honorably about our husbands—even when we think they don't deserve it. Open our eyes to how we sometimes bring shame to them with our words, and how it goes against Your design for our marriage. In Your name we pray, Amen!

Choose Truth

 The past year has been tough—that's not hard to deny. From dirty politics, to racial tension, to Covid19 information (or misinformation), one thing that stands out is how difficult it is to find truth these days. We can't find truth on the news; we are fed lies every day on social media, and we sure can't get a solid answer from our political leaders. It's disheartening and causes insecurity and fear. Our media feeds on this fear, piling on information that is greatly skewed. And while feeling disillusioned by outside sources is frustrating, it's far less hurtful than when it comes from our inner circle.

I was listening to a radio broadcast the other day and the pastor relayed a personal story that stuck with me. Someone had said something about him that was completely untrue—someone he knew and thought was his friend. This piece of information got under his skin and caused him three sleepless nights and plenty of anger. When he met with one of his friends for coffee, he brought up what had happened. His friend stopped him halfway through the conversation and said, "Enough. I don't want to hear about that anymore!" Taken aback, his friend went on to explain that what was said was untrue, in the past, and if dwelt on, would shift his focus from serving God to being sidetracked by this issue.

How many can relate to this story? I can. What people say about me matters—even though I often tend to brush it off outwardly (but inside it's very damaging). But when the information is inaccurate, it's even more hurtful. One point we need to consider is this—if you're doing something for the Lord, expect adversity. Nothing will trip us up more than an attack against our character—especially from a close source. And so when this happens, we must ask some questions of ourselves.

Is what has been said about me true in any way? Really allow yourself time to reflect on this and search for proof behind statements or assumptions. We often are not aware of how our words or actions may be taken by others. If there is truth to what has been said, address the issue and make the necessary changes. Mending relationships is important, and when we are at fault for the breech, we should be taking the first step to restoring the relationship.

What if the information is not true—what do I do about it? This can be difficult when it's coming from someone you know, trust, or love. It hurts. Addressing the issue and offering "your side" is helpful, but won't always correct the situation. If someone truly knows your character, they should be willing to hear your side and consider the possibility that what they have heard does not align with what they have observed in your words and actions. If they refuse to believe the truth over the misinformation they have heard, you will have to leave it at an apology and allow God to work in their hearts on the matter. Staying stuck in this place will rob you of your spiritual purpose and the joy we should experience as God's children.

What if the information is actually true–even if it was taken the wrong way? A heartfelt apology is in order—not only to the one you have offended, but to God as well. When we say or do hurtful things, we hurt more than just the person we offended—we hurt the heart of our Heavenly Father. This step goes against our pride and our fleshly desire to be "right". It's humbling to accept responsibility for our actions and to offer an apology, but it's absolutely required. The apology may or may not be accepted—and if it is not, that's on them. As believers, we should show care and grace when we offend or have been offended. 

Words can be very damaging. Gossip, lies against someone's character, and spreading misinformation hurt people. Consider this when you have something to say, or something to share with others. Is it true? Is it accurate? Is it profitable? Is it damaging? Will it build up, or tear down? Before we open our mouths, may we take into consideration these important questions, and be willing to shut our mouths when what we have to say is unkind, malicious or untrue. May we be known as encouragers and people who speak the truth in love. 

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits (Proverbs 18:21, ESV).

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18, ESV).

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak (Matthew 12:36, ESV),

"You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor (Exodus 20:16, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to weigh our words—the words we say and the words we hear. Help us to be truthful and to dwell on truth, knowing that dwelling on lies causes us to become angry and bitter. Purify our hearts so that our words will follow. In Your name we pray, Amen.

Be an Encourager

 One of the most discouraging seasons of my life produced something infinitely valuable—those who stepped in as real encouragers to me. When you're down—really down, it's sometimes hard to muster the faith and courage within yourself to believe that somehow, you'll get through. You may have experienced circumstances that apart from God and His people, you have no doubt you would have hit the point of despair. And the reality is, we are rubbing shoulders with people this very day who are in similar circumstances; thick in the midst of their own personal trials and tragedy. It's easy to think you aren't the person to help, hoping someone else is more equipped for the task, but if you know of a need, at the very least, we can be their encouragers.

When my marriage fell apart back in 2017, a handful of people immediately come to mind who made that period of pain and heartache better, because they cared for me through their actions and words. While I was tempted often to hide away in the safety of my home, there were those who encouraged me to get up, and get out. If I missed an event or a church service, what I didn't need to hear were these words: "Where were you?, we missed you (which generally just meant why wasn't I where I was expected to be)." What I did need to hear were encouraging words like: "we are so thankful to see you today—I can imagine it must be hard to come, but we are so happy you did." The words we say to those who are hurting or spiritually struggling are so impactful, and because of that, we need to use the utmost care in how we speak.

We also can be encouragers to those who are spiritually struggling, rather than use words to bully them into biblical compliance. We can treat them in any of these three ways: indifference, unkindness that borders on threatening, or loving encouragement. As Christians, the only real choice should be number three, and anything other than the third choice will not bring about real spiritual change at the heart level. One of the best ways to look at this is through an example.

Eric grew up in a christian home, often in church services with two loving, godly parents. As Eric got older and made his own choices, he started down the wrong path, with the wrong friends, and his attendance became sporadic, at best, at his local church. One morning, he woke up and decided to go to church. When he walked in, he was tense, expecting people to question him and give him a hard time. Instead, an older man who was close to his Dad, came over and gave him a big hug. "Eric, how great to see you today! I was just praying for you last night, and thanking God for you and the blessing you are to all of us. I'd love to take you to lunch today, and catch up on all that's happening in your life. I've heard you're doing well in school, and I'd love to hear about your baseball season." Eric was greatly encouraged by this gentleman, and agreed to meet him for lunch. A door was opened for communication and connection through this man's love and encouragement.

Now Eric may be a made up story, but there are thousands of Erics around—and some of them may be in your circle of connections. You can choose to chastise his behavior, and further his discouragement, alienating him from God and His people. Or you can be someone who steps up to the plate and offers words that have power to touch the hearts of the lost or the hurting—possibly even bringing the wanderer back to the fold. There are so many things around us in this strange year of 2020 that may cause stress, anxiety and discouragement. There are also many discouragers out there—people who seemingly enjoy putting people down. As God's children, may that never be true of us. 

May we truly open our eyes to the people around us and when we see someone in need of encouragement, be there for them. Love them unconditionally. Trust that God will use you in ways you may never know the extent of, and that your willingness to encourage will be infectious to other believers following your example. As the body of Christ, it is our responsibility to look to the needs of others, and step in to help when we see a brother or sister who needs us.

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing (1 Thessalonians 5:11, ESV).

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear (Ephesians 4:29, ESV).

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ (Galatians 6:2, ESV).

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver (Proverbs 25:11, ESV).

Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered (Proverbs 11:25, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, open our eyes to those around us who need encouragement and give us a heart of compassion for them. May we offer words that are like medicine to a wounded soul, and help build up the body of Christ. In Your name we pray, Amen!

When You Don't Speak the Same Love Language

     I'm going to guess that most couples speak their love in different ways. Dr. Gary Chapman teaches about five love languages—ways we demonstrate our love for our spouse. Some give their time, so the language they speak to show their love is quality time. Some are very touchy people—they show their love by touches, hugs, kisses, and sexual intimacy. Some love to give gifts—they shower their spouse with flowers, jewelry, shoes, golf clubs, candy or whatever he/she loves the most. Their language is giving gifts. Then we have those who like to do things for their spouse—they pick up the kids, vacuum the carpet, run to the store, fix the leaky faucet, or any number of ways to lend a helping hand. These are people who speak love in forms of service. Last, we have those who say the good stuff—they shower with compliments, offer praise, speak thankfulness and affirm through their words that they love you. 
     Since opposites attract, our primary love language is likely not going to match up with our spouse. While learning the language of your spouse is of value, what if they just don't? What if you long to be loved in the same way you speak love? Are you unloved if your spouse is trying to show their love by vacuuming for you, when you show yours by giving him back rubs and kisses? The answer is no, but it can unsettle us when their language doesn't match our needs.
     I'm going to be honest here—my husband and I don't speak the same love language. He shows his love by spending time with me and doing things for me. I show my love for him by my words. I'm comfortable with words and don't mind speaking what's on my heart. He's comfortable sitting beside me and enjoying time spent together. Do I long for flowery speech and mushy notes? Of course I do, and sometimes he does fall onto my planet of affirming words. But on days when they don't come, what then? Did he forget how to love me?
     I think it's important to look for love in any healthy form that it's offered. It's wise to know the different ways love is expressed and accept that sometimes, it's spoken in ways we don't use to express it ourselves. I could choose to feel unloved when I am not hearing things like, "you are my world—the best thing that ever happened to me." Or, "you're the most beautiful woman." And if I make that choice, I'm missing the love he is speaking into the countless hours he puts aside to spend with me—eating a meal out, riding around running errands, asking me to accompany him on business trips, or even just hitting our local gym together. And I could also miss his love when he works long hours to provide for me to have a really comfortable life.
     Are there ways your spouse is speaking love to you that you may be missing? Are you guilty of feeling unloved or unappreciated because they speak love differently than you? I know I have been guilty of that. Rather than feeling discouraged and disappointed, start looking for ways your spouse is trying to demonstrate their love to you. I think you may be surprised at how much love they are showing that you may be missing because you are waiting for something more familiar—your language. If your spouse learns your language and speaks it fluently, that's great. But if they do not, don't assume you aren't valued and loved. God creates some of us with the gift of words, some affectionate, and some with hearts that want to please with their helping hand. He makes us all different—we will always be a blend of two very different people learning to love in our own unique way. 
     Satan wants us to be unsatisfied with our spouse. He wants marriages to fail. He wants us to feel unloved and unhappy with what we have. He loves discontentment—it's where he begins to dismantle our marriages. He speaks lies promising something much better—much more pleasing than your own spouse. Don't listen to him. Instead, love your spouse selflessly. Don't expect them to meet your every need—only God can do that. And often when we love the way God loves us, without expectations, we will receive love in ways that will humble us, encourage us, and open our eyes to the gift we've been given in our spouse. My prayer today, is that you find you've been loved all along, even when the language is foreign to you. 

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7 (ESV)
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. John 13:34 (ESV)
We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19 (ESV)
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, it can be easy to complain and feel unloved when our spouse doesn't speak our love language. Help us rather than feel disappointed and unloved, to look for ways they may be speaking love differently than we do. And always help me remember the perfect love You have for me. In Your name I pray, Jesus, Amen!

The Power of Kindness

She felt defeated- bruised, and down on herself. From being the kid that never did anything that pleased her parents, to feeling like a failure as a wife, her self-esteem was at an all-time low. She found respite in food and tacked on unwanted pounds. This only made her feel worse about herself in the end, even though food gave her short-lived comfort. It didn't matter that she was an excellent mom. It didn't matter that she had a high I.Q. Inside, she was hurting and desperately insecure. Her husband didn't help with his negativity and absence of compliments. Was she seen? Did anyone appreciate her? 

When this woman met Jesus through the pages of a self-help book, she clung to Him with a desperation she never experienced before. He promised her love without conditions. He said she was beautiful—a masterpiece of His making. He told her she had purpose—words she longed to hear. A purpose bigger than mopping the floors and washing clothes. And He taught her about fellowship, friendship, and worship. In time, she found a place that followed Jesus and biblical doctrine. She met people that instantly showed her love and acceptance. She began to flourish under their love, attention, and care. 

It started with God, yes, but it also started with appreciation from others. "Thank you for being so helpful", some would say. "You look beautiful today!" "You are such a blessing to our group, and we are so thankful to have you with us here." Little sentences that took minimal effort, yet they were building up a broken woman. This story is fictional, and in no way represents my own story. However, we all need to be mindful of those who need a word of encouragement. We often won't know the power our words of love will have in someone's life. Don't be stingy with building people up. If you think kind thoughts, just say them!
     

Having dealt with infidelity, I see, and experienced, how security is stripped away as a result of betrayal. I cannot tell you how healing it was to hear kind words from others, and how it bandaged hurtful thoughts placed in my head by none other than Satan. We see it said on social media often: "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about." This is such a true statement, and one we need to not only "like", but put into practice. We are given an opportunity countless times a day, to encourage someone. Say the good things you think. Give a hug. Speak to those who visit your place of worship, and make them feel special. Let people know they matter. And in doing so, we are being like Jesus- loving and living to bring joy, peace, and healing to others. So in case you wondered, and need to hear this today- you are treasured. You are beautiful. You are so loved. Never forget that, my friend.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 ESV
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 ESV
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14 ESV
Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. Psalm 63:3 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to really see others with eyes like Yours. Help us to build up one another, and show kindness and appreciation to everyone we meet. Thank You Father, for loving us despite our many failures and shortcomings, and for always making us feel welcome in Your presence. In Your precious name we pray, Amen!

What is Written on Yours?

     If you're a Christian, you've probably figured out by now that we aren't exempt from trials and suffering. We didn't get an easy pass as soon as we accepted Him as our Savior. I've heard people say after a tragedy or trial, "and they are even a Christian, and yet it still happened to them" -almost puzzled by it. There are many bonuses to being redeemed, but one of them isn't a cake walk through life.
     I think we are not as shocked by infidelity when it hits the average secular home, yet when it hits the home of a Christian, we often don't get it. It can throw us for a loop when we don't realize that each one of us is clothed in humanity, making none of us immune to sin and the consequences of living in a fallen world. I'm approaching my 50's and I've had my share of tests and trials, and I'm guessing you have as well.
     I was enjoying a scripture that gives us a little comfort in knowing we aren't alone in this "cross bearing" journey we are traveling: "And he said to ALL, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me (Luke 9:23 ESV). If we are followers of Jesus, we will still have our crosses to bear. While we are encouraged to pick it up and keep following Jesus, we are also asked to deny ourselves. This is a tall order for our selfish nature to fill. And so I look at this scripture and apply it to our marital crisis.
     If I can make it a visual application, my cross has "betrayed by infidelity" written on it. But if I look closer, it has many other things written on it as well. Some are the results of others sin against me, and plenty are the result of my own pride and disobedience against God. The words on my cross are painful and shameful, and yet it has my name on it to bear. I can choose to let it lay there on the ground and feel sorry for myself, saying it's too heavy to pick up- that's the easy way. Or, I can look at the encouraging face of my Savior, calling out to me, "Ruth, while this is painful to carry, and really heavy, you can do this through My strength. Don't worry about what others are doing or saying, they have their own cross to carry, just pick it up, and follow Me." 
     Friends, we are called to walk through some tough circumstances, and yet it is within our power to persevere and follow our God, or allow them to defeat us. If infidelity is a part of your story too, what are you going to do with your cross? Yes, it's heavy, and yes, it hurts, but when we follow Jesus, we won't be led down a path of disappointment. While we often think we are entitled to only good things, it's often our cross bearing that will give us our identity in Jesus. How well are you carrying yours? Does it point others to your Source of strength, or do you refuse to deny yourself and let it lay useless on the ground? I won't say I never lay mine down, but when we do, we only need to look to Him to give us the strength to hoist it back up, and keep following our Lord! 

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5 ESV
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, Hebrews 12:1 ESV
For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. Hebrews 10:36 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, how thankful I am that when we are called to carry our crosses, You draw alongside and help and encourage us. Some crosses are heavier than others, but none are too heavy when we allow Your strength to fuel us. Lord, when You call me to follow You through the dark and painful places, may I deny myself, and obediently follow You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Sunday Relationship Post- Complimenting One Another

     I am honored to know a lady that makes everyone feel like a million bucks. Elsie goes out of her way to make everyone feel special, beautiful, loved and appreciated. If you are blessed with knowing her, you know how amazing she is. Being around someone like her leaves you feeling positive and full of smiles. Why can't we all be more like my friend, Elsie?
     In a relationship, compliments are important. Whether you compliment each other's looks, accomplishments, cooking, or new outfit, compliments feel good, and make you feel cherished and appreciated. If you don't compliment your spouse, someone else will. Why would we want our husband or wife to be complimented by others, and not by me? We all have a need to feel wanted and appreciated, and we especially need to feel that with our life partner. 
     Make a point today to compliment the one you love. The more you do it, the better you will feel. Don't worry about keeping score- they make take a while to catch on. But if you do feel neglected and need complimented more, don't be afraid to have a conversation about it. Often times, we get so busy doing our own thing that we forget to speak kindness to those we love. It isn't good enough to think it- we need to make sure we are saying it!
     God made us with a need to feel loved and appreciated. While He does love us- so very much, if we are in a relationship, we should be expressing the things our spouse needs to hear. Just as God reminds us of His love for us, we need to show that same kind of love to others. So let's try to be more like Elsie to a world that needs to smile more, and feel loved and appreciated. And why not start with the person who needs it the most from you- your spouse. Let them know today how much they mean to you, and what it is about them that you love. It only takes a simple compliment to turn a bad day around. 

Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. Romans 15:2 ESV
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to compliment others - especially my spouse. May my pride not hold me back from saying things that build others up. Thank You for speaking of Your love towards me, and help me to speak of mine for others. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!