The Real Me

Posturing is something we're all guilty of. We talk ourselves up when we first meet someone, and try to put our best self forward. Who would want to meet up with us a second time if we introduced ourselves and divulged all of our shortcomings right from the start? "Hey, I'm Ruth, and I tend to hold people to my standards, and have a problem with thinking I'm better than I really am." Or, "Hey there, I try to control people's behavior, by dropping comments that are meant to manipulate their response." If I presented myself in light of all my flaws, I would have zero friends, and no husband. And so we do our best to hide our imperfections, hoping to make connections with people before they know we have a laundry list of real issues. But spend a little time with someone and those flaws begin to come to the surface. We begin to notice that they have their own deficiencies, and we find that the real versions of each of you are different than when you first met.

Genuine relationships can't be built when authenticity isn't present. Have you ever struck up a friendship with someone, only to realize that they were completely different when you really got to know them? Sometimes these differences make your personalities clash, and you drift apart. And other times, you find that they become unexpected lifelong friends. But it takes spending time together, and communicating well, to uncover the real version of a person. This is because initial meetings generally lack a depth of sharing the deepest part of who we are-the good along with the bad.

I remember a friend that met a charming young man-attentive and attractive. He doted on her and she thought she struck gold. He took her to nice restaurants, bought her jewelry, and complimented her often. But the more time she spent with him, the more his hidden flaws began to surface. He was no longer charming, but rather manipulative and abusive. What she initially saw in him was a cover up for who he really was. She felt duped, embarrassed, and heartbroken. This is often the case in abusive relationships, as no one would sign up for that kind of treatment if they knew their true nature from the start. And while this is an extreme version of hiding our flaws, we all do it to an extent.

Nothing uncovers the "real me" quite like marriage. Living with someone 24/7 makes it impossible to hide all our flaws-even though we may be successful in hiding some of them. While we won't be able to hide our tendency for being messy, oversleeping, being habitually late, being a bad cook, or losing things, we will be able to hide more secretive things like a pornography addiction, overspending, lying or flirting with co-workers. But when our true identity isn't known to our spouse or our closest friends, we lack the support we desperately need to help us in our weaknesses. And so I need to let the ugly out, in vulnerability and honesty before those we allow to truly know us, because I need that accountability and the depth that comes from being loved despite our failures.

No matter how successful we may be in hiding from others, we know that God really knows us. There isn't anything we can hide from Him-He sees it all. He sees that I have a Pharisee's heart, an honesty that teeters on being brutal, and a tendency to pout when I don't get my way. I try my best to hide these behaviors-especially around new people, but in the deepest part of me, these sinful tendencies lurk. Yet I love how God doesn't write me off, and refuse to love me because of my shortcomings. He knows me intimately and completely, and yet He sees past all of the junk and offers me Himself-fully able to step into my faults and transform me. 

One thing that's become clear to me the older I get is how important it is to let people in and allow them to know the real me. I need relationships like that-deep, and honest in nature. People that will call me out when necessary, and also encourage me when I need it most. If I refuse to open up, I miss out on what's best for me, and my relationships will suffer from lack of authenticity. Hiding our flaws won't help us find victory over them. In my closest relationships, I need to be open to constructive criticism, accepting that there are areas of my true self which really do need a makeover. We often want to make positive changes in ourselves, yet lack the courage to face our worst character flaws, and then exercise discipline to make necessary changes.

What flaws are you hiding in your relationships? Whatever it is, your relationship cannot be genuine if you continue to conceal the areas you wrestle with the most. And when we really love someone, we should be willing to step in and be a help when they are vulnerable enough to share their shortcomings with us. It won't help to judge them and treat them with a condescending manner. Instead, what they likely would appreciate would be your ability to listen, encourage and share the love of Christ. The people who really know me somehow still choose to love me. Loving me in spite of my faults makes their love not only special, but real. Let's be authentic in our relationships, and trust that God has placed people in our lives that will help us be the best version of ourselves, calling us to live more like our Savior. And for those who do this for me, my heart is so grateful, and I thank God for those special relationships. Being genuine takes courage, but when we stand in the strength of our Lord, we have no reason to doubt or fear.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good (Romans 12:9, ESV).

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working (James 5:16, ESV).

Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him (Proverbs 30:5, ESV).

God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship him in spirit and truth (John 4:24, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to be more authentic with others, bringing to light the things I try so hard to hide. May I find love and compassion when I am courageous enough to share the ugliest parts of me. I thank You, Father, that despite all of my flaws, You loved me so much that You died to redeem me. In Your name I pray, Amen!

 

Being Real in a False World

     We live in a world where we feel pressure to be perfect- similar to my last post. Social media is the worst for putting fake images on display. Take for instance a picture you may decide to post- if you were 100% honest, how many re-takes did you take? What filter did you use? How long did it take you to find the very best possible one of you? And for real- why do women stick out their lips?.. as Trey Kennedy would say, "do less, and God bless." I mean, who cares if someone else looks awful, the bottom line is this- I'll post the one I look the best in. Why am I so shallow that I need to display a great image, when at best, I struggle each day with a handful of my own insecurities? 
     If you come to my home for a meal, I would be annoyed if you saw the mess in my closet or the tumbleweeds of dog hair I vacuumed before you got there. I want my own version of "Magnolia" perfection. I watch Chip and Joanna and then feel inadequate when I scrutinize my own home. Don't get me wrong- I'm a Fixer Upper addict, and that show carried me through some really lonely seasons of life. It's just that it opens my eyes to my inabilities to pull together a look that causes decorating envy. So instead, I'll wander the Project 62 section in Target, and wish I could start re-vamping my spaces, and I guess I could for a small fortune. But why can't I just be satisfied with my own blessings, because I have many! And why do I feel pressured to uphold a Joanna Gaines standard? 
     I was scrolling through Instagram today, and saw a post by Lauren Daigle that I absolutely loved! She posted 10 selfies of mostly weird or silly faces and captioned her post with this- "Just a little something real for ya while you scroll through the myriad of Instagram perfection mirages." I told my daughter just last week, "can you imagine if we just posted pictures of our worst moments? When we had the worst hair day, and a pimple the size of our nose?" Because none of us are perfect- not our houses, not our bodies, not our lives. But because we only post our greatest moments, and most flattering pictures, we cause a whole world full of people to feel insecure, inadequate, and unsatisfied. 
     I think of how this relates to the subject of infidelity. We are always looking at what we think is greener grass, thinking surely there is something better for me out there. But when we get a good look at that greener grass, it's as inadequate as what was growing in our own yard. We are a generation of dissatisfied people, always wanting what we don't have. Since the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, we all are imperfect, stained, and messy. It's time to face the reality of our imperfections, and not put forth false personas. The images we are sending are causing generations of people to feel insecure. It's okay to be real- to post the picture you're cross-eyed in. To invite the company over when the grass is a foot tall because you've been too busy. God isn't impressed with fake- He values a sincere heart. 
     So today, I want to encourage you to embrace who God made you to be. I'm no Joanna Gaines, but I was made in the image of God, and He loved me enough to send His Son to die for me. He didn't only die for the prettiest ones, the most talented, or the sharpest crayon in the box- He died for all! My shortcomings are a testament to my humanity. So no matter what I post, I am here to remind you that I don't have it all together. I don't have all the answers. And as long as I'm on this side of eternity, I never will. 

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Philippians 2:3 ESV
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 1 Peter 3:8 ESV
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7 ESV
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me not put forth a false perception of perfection. I don't have a perfect marriage, family, body, or home. I don't have it all together. Let others see me as genuine, and may my inadequacies give me opportunity to connect with others that are struggling with their own securities, opening the door for me to introduce them to You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!