Relationships and Marriage 101

 Maybe you're dating, and everything about your girl or guy seems perfect. You can't think of one thing that you seriously don't just love about them. You wake in the morning and smile when you think of them. You fall asleep at night longing for the day you never have to be apart again. It's a match made in heaven, and you can't imagine ever being unhappy together.

Maybe you're engaged, and you've been together a little longer. Life has exposed a few flaws in the one you thought was perfect for you. Overall, they are still pretty great, but you can now pinpoint a few things about your love that irritate and upset you. "Am I making the biggest mistake of my life", you wonder, or is this just normal stuff?

And maybe you're married, and if you are, you've likely figured out by now that your wonderful spouse isn't perfect—sigh. They don't seem to know how to put away their clothes, and they get toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror. And even worse—they have moments where their temper flares or they are too busy to give you the proper attention you desperately crave. What in the world did I do? What did I see in this person, and how was I so blind?

The more vulnerable we become with someone, the more we begin to know the "real them". And oftentimes, this births in us the ridiculous notion that we must be the person responsible to change the things we don't like in our partner. "If only they were more _____, or why does he always have to _____?" Pointing our fingers elsewhere takes pressure off ourselves. It's easy to desire or demand change in our partner thinking this will resolve the issues in our relationship, but what does Scripture have to say about it?

Here is a pretty forthright portion of Scripture regarding this type of behavior: "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother,'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye (Matthew 7:3-5, ESV)." 

Essentially, this portion of Scripture reminds us to take care of our own junk before worrying about someone else's. It means that we attend to the shortcomings we have before even considering the flaws in our spouse. It requires me to take inventory of my own actions and behavior before looking outward. It may involve my own resolve to correct habits of messiness, moodiness, careless words when I'm hungry, or criticism. And only when I've succeeded in correcting them should I even begin to start pointing out the flaws of my husband. Long story short—I'll likely never get my act completely together to make it to that point. Why? Because I have too many issues of my own.

If you are looking for the perfect husband or wife, you're going to really be disappointed. You may find one that is well-suited for you and brings you happiness, but you'll never find one without their own laundry list of faults and failures. When we stop to think of how our marriages are a picture of how Jesus loves us, it gives us a better grasp of the reality of loving imperfect people. I am beyond thankful that Jesus love isn't conditional, because if it were, I would not qualify. Instead, He chooses to love us in spite of all our shortcomings and pours His grace over them instead. Because of this, how can I not do the same with my spouse?

If you're in a place of discontentment and feel the need to look around you for who can change to make your life better, stop! Replace this negative pattern with the resolve to correct your own issues. When we work on ourselves, the people we love respond to our progress, and oftentimes our behavior changes theirs for the better. We often throw around the phrase "loving like Jesus", and who better to begin with than our other half? This means you will love them in all of their messiness and shower them with grace and unconditional love. It means you won't point fingers and look for ways to control change or nag them—you'll start with yourself, and if you're anything like me, you have a lot of work to do. 

An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge (Proverbs 18:15, ESV).

To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness (Ephesians 4:22-24, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to be willing to take a good look at ourselves and see our own shortcomings and then make necessary changes. Help us not to be finger pointers, but to first acknowledge our own need for change. May we love the way You have taught us in Your perfect, grace-filled love for us. In Your name we pray, Amen!

The Real Me

Posturing is something we're all guilty of. We talk ourselves up when we first meet someone, and try to put our best self forward. Who would want to meet up with us a second time if we introduced ourselves and divulged all of our shortcomings right from the start? "Hey, I'm Ruth, and I tend to hold people to my standards, and have a problem with thinking I'm better than I really am." Or, "Hey there, I try to control people's behavior, by dropping comments that are meant to manipulate their response." If I presented myself in light of all my flaws, I would have zero friends, and no husband. And so we do our best to hide our imperfections, hoping to make connections with people before they know we have a laundry list of real issues. But spend a little time with someone and those flaws begin to come to the surface. We begin to notice that they have their own deficiencies, and we find that the real versions of each of you are different than when you first met.

Genuine relationships can't be built when authenticity isn't present. Have you ever struck up a friendship with someone, only to realize that they were completely different when you really got to know them? Sometimes these differences make your personalities clash, and you drift apart. And other times, you find that they become unexpected lifelong friends. But it takes spending time together, and communicating well, to uncover the real version of a person. This is because initial meetings generally lack a depth of sharing the deepest part of who we are-the good along with the bad.

I remember a friend that met a charming young man-attentive and attractive. He doted on her and she thought she struck gold. He took her to nice restaurants, bought her jewelry, and complimented her often. But the more time she spent with him, the more his hidden flaws began to surface. He was no longer charming, but rather manipulative and abusive. What she initially saw in him was a cover up for who he really was. She felt duped, embarrassed, and heartbroken. This is often the case in abusive relationships, as no one would sign up for that kind of treatment if they knew their true nature from the start. And while this is an extreme version of hiding our flaws, we all do it to an extent.

Nothing uncovers the "real me" quite like marriage. Living with someone 24/7 makes it impossible to hide all our flaws-even though we may be successful in hiding some of them. While we won't be able to hide our tendency for being messy, oversleeping, being habitually late, being a bad cook, or losing things, we will be able to hide more secretive things like a pornography addiction, overspending, lying or flirting with co-workers. But when our true identity isn't known to our spouse or our closest friends, we lack the support we desperately need to help us in our weaknesses. And so I need to let the ugly out, in vulnerability and honesty before those we allow to truly know us, because I need that accountability and the depth that comes from being loved despite our failures.

No matter how successful we may be in hiding from others, we know that God really knows us. There isn't anything we can hide from Him-He sees it all. He sees that I have a Pharisee's heart, an honesty that teeters on being brutal, and a tendency to pout when I don't get my way. I try my best to hide these behaviors-especially around new people, but in the deepest part of me, these sinful tendencies lurk. Yet I love how God doesn't write me off, and refuse to love me because of my shortcomings. He knows me intimately and completely, and yet He sees past all of the junk and offers me Himself-fully able to step into my faults and transform me. 

One thing that's become clear to me the older I get is how important it is to let people in and allow them to know the real me. I need relationships like that-deep, and honest in nature. People that will call me out when necessary, and also encourage me when I need it most. If I refuse to open up, I miss out on what's best for me, and my relationships will suffer from lack of authenticity. Hiding our flaws won't help us find victory over them. In my closest relationships, I need to be open to constructive criticism, accepting that there are areas of my true self which really do need a makeover. We often want to make positive changes in ourselves, yet lack the courage to face our worst character flaws, and then exercise discipline to make necessary changes.

What flaws are you hiding in your relationships? Whatever it is, your relationship cannot be genuine if you continue to conceal the areas you wrestle with the most. And when we really love someone, we should be willing to step in and be a help when they are vulnerable enough to share their shortcomings with us. It won't help to judge them and treat them with a condescending manner. Instead, what they likely would appreciate would be your ability to listen, encourage and share the love of Christ. The people who really know me somehow still choose to love me. Loving me in spite of my faults makes their love not only special, but real. Let's be authentic in our relationships, and trust that God has placed people in our lives that will help us be the best version of ourselves, calling us to live more like our Savior. And for those who do this for me, my heart is so grateful, and I thank God for those special relationships. Being genuine takes courage, but when we stand in the strength of our Lord, we have no reason to doubt or fear.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good (Romans 12:9, ESV).

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working (James 5:16, ESV).

Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him (Proverbs 30:5, ESV).

God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship him in spirit and truth (John 4:24, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to be more authentic with others, bringing to light the things I try so hard to hide. May I find love and compassion when I am courageous enough to share the ugliest parts of me. I thank You, Father, that despite all of my flaws, You loved me so much that You died to redeem me. In Your name I pray, Amen!