The Real Me

Posturing is something we're all guilty of. We talk ourselves up when we first meet someone, and try to put our best self forward. Who would want to meet up with us a second time if we introduced ourselves and divulged all of our shortcomings right from the start? "Hey, I'm Ruth, and I tend to hold people to my standards, and have a problem with thinking I'm better than I really am." Or, "Hey there, I try to control people's behavior, by dropping comments that are meant to manipulate their response." If I presented myself in light of all my flaws, I would have zero friends, and no husband. And so we do our best to hide our imperfections, hoping to make connections with people before they know we have a laundry list of real issues. But spend a little time with someone and those flaws begin to come to the surface. We begin to notice that they have their own deficiencies, and we find that the real versions of each of you are different than when you first met.

Genuine relationships can't be built when authenticity isn't present. Have you ever struck up a friendship with someone, only to realize that they were completely different when you really got to know them? Sometimes these differences make your personalities clash, and you drift apart. And other times, you find that they become unexpected lifelong friends. But it takes spending time together, and communicating well, to uncover the real version of a person. This is because initial meetings generally lack a depth of sharing the deepest part of who we are-the good along with the bad.

I remember a friend that met a charming young man-attentive and attractive. He doted on her and she thought she struck gold. He took her to nice restaurants, bought her jewelry, and complimented her often. But the more time she spent with him, the more his hidden flaws began to surface. He was no longer charming, but rather manipulative and abusive. What she initially saw in him was a cover up for who he really was. She felt duped, embarrassed, and heartbroken. This is often the case in abusive relationships, as no one would sign up for that kind of treatment if they knew their true nature from the start. And while this is an extreme version of hiding our flaws, we all do it to an extent.

Nothing uncovers the "real me" quite like marriage. Living with someone 24/7 makes it impossible to hide all our flaws-even though we may be successful in hiding some of them. While we won't be able to hide our tendency for being messy, oversleeping, being habitually late, being a bad cook, or losing things, we will be able to hide more secretive things like a pornography addiction, overspending, lying or flirting with co-workers. But when our true identity isn't known to our spouse or our closest friends, we lack the support we desperately need to help us in our weaknesses. And so I need to let the ugly out, in vulnerability and honesty before those we allow to truly know us, because I need that accountability and the depth that comes from being loved despite our failures.

No matter how successful we may be in hiding from others, we know that God really knows us. There isn't anything we can hide from Him-He sees it all. He sees that I have a Pharisee's heart, an honesty that teeters on being brutal, and a tendency to pout when I don't get my way. I try my best to hide these behaviors-especially around new people, but in the deepest part of me, these sinful tendencies lurk. Yet I love how God doesn't write me off, and refuse to love me because of my shortcomings. He knows me intimately and completely, and yet He sees past all of the junk and offers me Himself-fully able to step into my faults and transform me. 

One thing that's become clear to me the older I get is how important it is to let people in and allow them to know the real me. I need relationships like that-deep, and honest in nature. People that will call me out when necessary, and also encourage me when I need it most. If I refuse to open up, I miss out on what's best for me, and my relationships will suffer from lack of authenticity. Hiding our flaws won't help us find victory over them. In my closest relationships, I need to be open to constructive criticism, accepting that there are areas of my true self which really do need a makeover. We often want to make positive changes in ourselves, yet lack the courage to face our worst character flaws, and then exercise discipline to make necessary changes.

What flaws are you hiding in your relationships? Whatever it is, your relationship cannot be genuine if you continue to conceal the areas you wrestle with the most. And when we really love someone, we should be willing to step in and be a help when they are vulnerable enough to share their shortcomings with us. It won't help to judge them and treat them with a condescending manner. Instead, what they likely would appreciate would be your ability to listen, encourage and share the love of Christ. The people who really know me somehow still choose to love me. Loving me in spite of my faults makes their love not only special, but real. Let's be authentic in our relationships, and trust that God has placed people in our lives that will help us be the best version of ourselves, calling us to live more like our Savior. And for those who do this for me, my heart is so grateful, and I thank God for those special relationships. Being genuine takes courage, but when we stand in the strength of our Lord, we have no reason to doubt or fear.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good (Romans 12:9, ESV).

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working (James 5:16, ESV).

Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him (Proverbs 30:5, ESV).

God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship him in spirit and truth (John 4:24, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to be more authentic with others, bringing to light the things I try so hard to hide. May I find love and compassion when I am courageous enough to share the ugliest parts of me. I thank You, Father, that despite all of my flaws, You loved me so much that You died to redeem me. In Your name I pray, Amen!

 

Relationship Post : So You're Not Perfect?

     We can often wrestle with our own flaws and imperfections, aware that we have many. For me, I have an extensive list- some are physical characteristics I wish were different, and some are character traits I haven't yet been successful in changing. These imperfections can irritate me and while I want to change them, I often lack the discipline required to be victorious over them. While others may see me as acceptable overall, I am always aware of my limitations. Most days, I don't allow them to get to me, but somedays, I struggle with them. It's funny, really, how we see our own faults and then hold others to a standard that is impossible to achieve. Like the one we share our life with. 
     In the beginning of a relationship, we often don't see the faults they possess, or even if we do, we believe we can change them. When we fall in love, we become blind to their flaws- "love is blind", right? And then after time begins to pass, we become shocked and disappointed to find out they are just like us- flawed individuals, falling short of perfection. We may even begin to question our choice, and some may even decide to throw in the towel. The thing is, you'll exchange them for another flawed person who will eventually disappoint you as well. 
     If you chose well, (and as a believer, you chose a like-minded believer) then it's time to take a step back before calling it quits. What qualities attracted you to them in the first place? Are the imperfections deal-breakers (there aren't many that should make that list), or just the result of being imperfect humans? Just like you, they have their own shortcomings and struggles. Instead of pointing out the failures of our spouse or significant other, we should look for ways to build them up and encourage them. We will never like every quality they possess, and they will never like each ours either- and that's okay!
     When sin entered the Garden through Satan's tempting of Adam and Eve, we all became imperfect. None of us will achieve the status of perfection, even though some believe they are pretty close to the mark. It's my spouses responsibility to love me, regardless of my faults. That doesn't mean he shouldn't encourage growth where I need growth- but it does mean that he understands that just like him, I'm going to fail and make mistakes. I'm going to mess up and have my own set of insecurities. And at the end of the day, we commit to sticking it out together, because we are just two flawed humans who fell in love, made vows before God, and promised to help each other through our weaknesses and failures. Jesus was the only perfect One, and I'll always fall short of His standard this side of Heaven, but thank God His blood covers it all! So the next time your spouse splatters toothpaste on the mirror, leaves the dirty clothes on the floor, or is late for the third time this week- remember they are human, just like you. Acknowledge that you fell in love with a person that isn't perfect, and that's okay!

** Just a side note - I chose random flaws, and not ones that reflect my own husband;) 

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, Romans 3:23 ESV
As it is written: "None is righteous, no, not one; Romans 3:10 ESV
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 ESV
And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. Luke 6:31 ESV
Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins. Ecclesiastes 7:20 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, we are far from perfect, and while we know our own flaws, we often have trouble accepting them in others. Help me to be understanding, kind and forgiving when I'm faced with the imperfections of my spouse. Thank You for loving me despite the sin that makes me so flawed and messy. Help me to show that same love to others, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!