The Gift of My Son

 Our house is full of wedding plans. This is a first for us, and it's baffling how much planning is packed into saying "I Do"! But it's mostly fun stuff and we are happy to do what it takes to give our only son a proper sendoff into his own life with his own wife. But some days it touches my heart how this little boy, grown into a man seldom leans on me these days. Yes, that's the way it's supposed to be, but I treasure memories of the little boy who never wanted to grow up so he could stay with me forever. And I'm so, so incredibly grateful for the years I've had him home with me—those are years I will forever treasure in my heart.

It all started close to twenty-five years ago. The effort and tears and prayers and love all poured into him in hopes of giving him the very best foundation to start his own family. Sure I've made mistakes along the way, but never did my heart stray from only wishing him the best and wanting a great future for him. And so the effort of raising a good man was never wasted, and while no one is perfect I'm awfully proud of my son. 

Now the purpose of this post isn't to make you roll your eyes or gag at the mushiness, but rather to show how our children are a gift—not only to us but to their future spouse. If I allow laziness, disrespect and unkindness to be overlooked and shrug my shoulders at it, I do a disservice to their future spouse. Greed, grudge holding and no spiritual foundation will not make him the man I want for his wife. And so we have a huge responsibility as parents to make humans that will be respectful, helpful and tender spouses. 

The days are counting down until the day I will watch him take his girl as his wife. In that moment I'll nearly bust with pride and emotion, but I'll also give one of the greatest gifts I have to give—the gift of my son. I hope that in him I've instilled a sense of being the best husband he can be and in time, Lord willing, the best dad he can be. Those character traits have hopefully been formed in him, even as most came at the surrender of worn knees and heavenly pleas. He is one of my most valuable treasures and when I stop to think of this, I'm taken to Calvary.

God sent His only precious, highly treasured Son to a cruel cross to die in my place. Not because I'm a "good" person because I surely am not, but because of my great sin that separated me from a holy God. His Son was everything perfect and everything holy yet He gave Him willingly out of a love for us greater than our understanding. He gave me the gift of His Son. It was the single-most selfless sacrifice and one that provided everything I could ever need to secure my eternal pardon. He didn't make mistakes along the way and offer the best He could manage—He offered a perfect Son for a sinful creation. So while I offer my own son, filled with humanity's sinful imperfections, He offered the only perfect Son for me—for you!

When the day comes for me to celebrate the giving of my son to his beautiful bride, I hope I can take a few moments that day to reflect on God's Son being given to me. Giving something of great value has a high cost. In God's case, no higher cost could have been paid—He gave us the very best. And while my own son is no match to the cost paid through Jesus on the cross, he is my only boy–the son of my own heart. I'm not a person of great wealth or prestige—my children far excel over any earthly goods I could offer. As my heart thinks on these things, may it be touched with the price He paid for me through His own Son, Jesus. Thank You, Lord for your indescribable gift—my heart is humbled anew at Your great love for me. 

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward (Psalm 127:3, ESV).

And behold, a voice from heaven said, "This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased (Matthew 3:17, ESV)."

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father we thank You for the gift of Your Son, given up to the cross in order to rescue us from sin. Your love exceeds our understanding and our hearts are warmed by You. In Your name we pray, Amen!

The Real Me

Posturing is something we're all guilty of. We talk ourselves up when we first meet someone, and try to put our best self forward. Who would want to meet up with us a second time if we introduced ourselves and divulged all of our shortcomings right from the start? "Hey, I'm Ruth, and I tend to hold people to my standards, and have a problem with thinking I'm better than I really am." Or, "Hey there, I try to control people's behavior, by dropping comments that are meant to manipulate their response." If I presented myself in light of all my flaws, I would have zero friends, and no husband. And so we do our best to hide our imperfections, hoping to make connections with people before they know we have a laundry list of real issues. But spend a little time with someone and those flaws begin to come to the surface. We begin to notice that they have their own deficiencies, and we find that the real versions of each of you are different than when you first met.

Genuine relationships can't be built when authenticity isn't present. Have you ever struck up a friendship with someone, only to realize that they were completely different when you really got to know them? Sometimes these differences make your personalities clash, and you drift apart. And other times, you find that they become unexpected lifelong friends. But it takes spending time together, and communicating well, to uncover the real version of a person. This is because initial meetings generally lack a depth of sharing the deepest part of who we are-the good along with the bad.

I remember a friend that met a charming young man-attentive and attractive. He doted on her and she thought she struck gold. He took her to nice restaurants, bought her jewelry, and complimented her often. But the more time she spent with him, the more his hidden flaws began to surface. He was no longer charming, but rather manipulative and abusive. What she initially saw in him was a cover up for who he really was. She felt duped, embarrassed, and heartbroken. This is often the case in abusive relationships, as no one would sign up for that kind of treatment if they knew their true nature from the start. And while this is an extreme version of hiding our flaws, we all do it to an extent.

Nothing uncovers the "real me" quite like marriage. Living with someone 24/7 makes it impossible to hide all our flaws-even though we may be successful in hiding some of them. While we won't be able to hide our tendency for being messy, oversleeping, being habitually late, being a bad cook, or losing things, we will be able to hide more secretive things like a pornography addiction, overspending, lying or flirting with co-workers. But when our true identity isn't known to our spouse or our closest friends, we lack the support we desperately need to help us in our weaknesses. And so I need to let the ugly out, in vulnerability and honesty before those we allow to truly know us, because I need that accountability and the depth that comes from being loved despite our failures.

No matter how successful we may be in hiding from others, we know that God really knows us. There isn't anything we can hide from Him-He sees it all. He sees that I have a Pharisee's heart, an honesty that teeters on being brutal, and a tendency to pout when I don't get my way. I try my best to hide these behaviors-especially around new people, but in the deepest part of me, these sinful tendencies lurk. Yet I love how God doesn't write me off, and refuse to love me because of my shortcomings. He knows me intimately and completely, and yet He sees past all of the junk and offers me Himself-fully able to step into my faults and transform me. 

One thing that's become clear to me the older I get is how important it is to let people in and allow them to know the real me. I need relationships like that-deep, and honest in nature. People that will call me out when necessary, and also encourage me when I need it most. If I refuse to open up, I miss out on what's best for me, and my relationships will suffer from lack of authenticity. Hiding our flaws won't help us find victory over them. In my closest relationships, I need to be open to constructive criticism, accepting that there are areas of my true self which really do need a makeover. We often want to make positive changes in ourselves, yet lack the courage to face our worst character flaws, and then exercise discipline to make necessary changes.

What flaws are you hiding in your relationships? Whatever it is, your relationship cannot be genuine if you continue to conceal the areas you wrestle with the most. And when we really love someone, we should be willing to step in and be a help when they are vulnerable enough to share their shortcomings with us. It won't help to judge them and treat them with a condescending manner. Instead, what they likely would appreciate would be your ability to listen, encourage and share the love of Christ. The people who really know me somehow still choose to love me. Loving me in spite of my faults makes their love not only special, but real. Let's be authentic in our relationships, and trust that God has placed people in our lives that will help us be the best version of ourselves, calling us to live more like our Savior. And for those who do this for me, my heart is so grateful, and I thank God for those special relationships. Being genuine takes courage, but when we stand in the strength of our Lord, we have no reason to doubt or fear.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good (Romans 12:9, ESV).

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working (James 5:16, ESV).

Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him (Proverbs 30:5, ESV).

God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship him in spirit and truth (John 4:24, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to be more authentic with others, bringing to light the things I try so hard to hide. May I find love and compassion when I am courageous enough to share the ugliest parts of me. I thank You, Father, that despite all of my flaws, You loved me so much that You died to redeem me. In Your name I pray, Amen!

 

Thanksgiving isn't About Turkey and Pie

     I'm getting really excited. Thanksgiving ushers in my favorite time of year- it's full of food, family, Christmas music, football, Black Friday planning, and more food. It is the opening of the whole Christmas season, complete with most of my favorite things. Thanksgiving, in my opinion, is the best holiday, because of what follows. I'm one of those people that have all trees in place to celebrate Thanksgiving- it's a mood all in itself.
     But Thanksgiving really isn't about all those things. It's not about turkey and pumpkin pie. It's not even about family. While those things bring plenty of gratefulness from my heart, they aren't the basis for the holiday. Thanksgiving is about being thankful- a season of reflection, appreciation and gratitude to the One who has blessed us with each gift we've been given. And often, if I'm being completely honest, I celebrate the season and get caught up in tradition, rather than the Giver of good things.
     Forgetting to really show thankfulness isn't a new problem, although it seems to be getting more rampant as years pass by. This brings to mind the story of the ten lepers Jesus healed in Luke 17. Ten healed, yet only one came to thank Jesus for healing him. Nine of them walked away celebrating their healing without thanking, or even caring to know their Healer. But one did. Man, I want to be like that one leper. I don't want my life to be like the nine that knew no real sense of gratitude. Their life had been doomed, and with their healing, their life sentence removed. You think to yourself, how rude and ungrateful- yet often I am sadly no better. 
     The season is upon us as Thanksgiving draws closer, yet we don't need a special day to live a life of gratitude. We are so blessed no matter what our situation is. God has given us life, yes, but if we know Him as Savior, He has given us the hope of what really matters. Life won't always be easy- in fact, most often it isn't. If you're like me, you've had your share of heartache and hard times, but it's so great thing to remember it's all temporary. If we could truly get a glimpse of our eternal home, our life would be completely transformed. We wouldn't be so focused on staying here. We wouldn't be so earthly minded. We have just a short span of living in a world tainted with hurt and brokenness. The best is yet to come for those of us who belong to Him. This helps us to better live in a spirit of thankfulness despite our circumstances. 
     Our God is a good God, but our God also loves to hear our words of thanksgiving. When we give good things to others, we expect to hear words of thanks- if we don't, we are hurt, disappointed and feel taken for granted. Why do we treat God differently, forgetting to thank Him for our many blessings and for what He has done for us? At this time of Thanksgiving, I want to encourage and challenge each of you to speak words of gratitude. Tell your family words of thanks. Tell your spouse how much you appreciate them. Tell your friends how grateful you are for them. But don't forget the Giver of all these blessings, and how much we owe Him. Because in the multitude of a debt I can never re-pay, I can say "thank You." 

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Psalm 107:1 ESV
I will give to the LORD the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the LORD, the Most High. Psalm 7:17 ESV
Giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, Ephesians 5:20 ESV
Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, ... Psalm 50:14a ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, there is so much we should thank You for- for Your life, Your great sacrifice on the cross, for providing a way of salvation. Lord, we are thankful for Your love, for Your physical provisions for us. And Father, for the blessing of loved ones and family, we thank You. Help us to live a lifestyle of gratitude- that we would show it always and not just in this season of Thanksgiving. In Your name we pray, Lord Jesus, Amen!

Changes

     Changes- I generally find them uncomfortable and often resist them. When the clock changes in the spring and fall, I can't say I like those changes; they leave me tired and disoriented. I don't like the changes my body is going through as it transitions from young to old- things feel stiffer, grayer, flabbier, foggier, and wrinklier. And then there are the changes that come through phases of life- parenting has changed a lot for me in the past 20 plus years. From diapers, to science projects to swim meets to "where are my kids?", so many changes along the way. But when it comes to a marriage that was impacted by infidelity, changes must happen, and usually these are changes for the better; these changes I embrace and rejoice over.
     The result of a broken person is one who is forever changed. I wrote a little about that in the blog post titled Broken. I'm so glad to be able to blog about these changes, as many who may not personally know us, likely have some incorrect assumptions of who we really are. One of my favorite changes was the willingness and work towards being completely open- no secrets, no "off limits" subjects, no lies. This was a necessary change toward a healthier marriage and one where trust could begin growing again. We are now able to discuss almost any topic without feeling walls and barriers. Of course there are some that will take time as they are areas that are very raw and painful. But I appreciate this new openness, and without it, would find moving forward very difficult.
     The other crucial, major change was spiritual in nature. We now thoroughly enjoy sharing devotions and prayer time to start our day, and to end our day. As Christians, we believe that arming ourselves with scripture is the most powerful safeguard available to us- why not use it? These are my favorite moments spent together in our day, and through them, God is restoring us as a couple. In the past few years, we also had devotion time, but it lacked heart and sincerity which I believe greatly opened us up to Satan's attack against us. I highly recommend spending time with your spouse, sharing scripture and prayer. This is one of the highest forms of intimacy and greatly enriches our relationship.
     Accountability has been another change that was necessary in order for our marriage to heal and grow. Whether it's sharing phone location, being open and honest about one another, or sharing the details of our day, being accountable to one another is imperative post-adultery. Rebuilding a marriage may be hard work, but the payoff is huge. I love a devotion my husband recently shared with me. It was centered around accountability to God for our marriage. One day, we will stand before Him and give account of our marriage- how we treated one another, how we served Him together, and so much more! God cares about our marriages, and will willingly assist us in rebuilding after the damage of a storm. I'm so thankful He cares- so much more than I can even begin to understand. And I am ever so grateful for the changes I see in our marriage in this new phase of our lives, and we appreciate your prayers as we work to make it a beautiful offering to present back to our Heavenly Father! 

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:1-2 ESV
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, our marriage needed change, and I thank You for opening our hearts to change in areas where it was most needed. Help any others who may be stuck in unhealthy patterns to courageously face them, seek ways to improve them, and making the necessary changes. We are creatures of habit and selfish at best, and yet You call us to something better. Lord, help us do the work required to present our marriage to You one day, knowing we can offer it as a treasure. Help us live lives that seek to honor You in all we do. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
     
     

Part Four- His Deliverance ( told by him)

** Continued from the previous 3 days... don't miss those!

     Later that same evening, I went to grab some dinner and for the first time in forever, I sat alone and not one person bothered to talk to me, yet I was in perfect peace. God had, in a miraculous way, moved in my heart and helped me latch on to His wonderful offering of grace. I couldn't live without it, nor could I take one more step without just accepting God had forgiven me, and the weight of sin was gone. The chains that had held me captive for far too long were broken. Not only had God forgiven me, but I was able to rest and claim that forgiveness for myself. 

     I spent that evening back at my sister's sitting alone watching YouTube videos of gospel artists singing the wonderful message of forgiveness. I let them pour into my soul like water on dry, barren ground. I didn't find out until later, that there were quite a few prayer warriors fighting for me that day. I will be forever grateful for the prayers of those that sought to bring me back to the light and love of my Savior. 

     What I witnessed over those couple days will forever impact my life. It gave me a new opportunity with my life and my marriage that would otherwise have been over. That God would lead my wife to write a blog about what had happened, and that He would lead me to read it and be convicted in such a way that it would redirect my steps, is something only God could do! The path, though hard, will never be the same because I have chosen to walk so much closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. 

     My daily prayer is this: "Jesus, I need you in every moment of my day, please help me stay close to You, and in everything I do, let me be reminded that You are with me in every step. Thank You, God, for allowing me to see my sin, and for working a miracle in my life to bring me to a place where You could move and heal. I love You for what You have done to secure my soul eternally, for what You are currently doing to make me more like You, and for the fresh appreciation I have been given of Your grace towards me. Amen!" There will be many small steps of building trust, respect, and healing back into relationships I had carelessly tossed to the side. One verse stands out to me though, when I think of what is ahead : I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). 

     I have included the verses of a hymn that is very special to me. The words that touch me so deeply are these: "wonderful grace of Jesus, greater than all my sin...broader than the scope of my transgressions, greater far than all my sin and shame, O magnify the precious name of Jesus, praise His name!

Wonderful grace of Jesus

Greater than all my sin

How shall my tongue describe it?

Where shall its praise begin?

Taking away my burden, setting my spirit free

For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

Chorus:

Wonderful the matchless grace of Jesus

Deeper than the mighty rolling sea

Higher than the mountain

sparkling like a fountain

All sufficient grace for even me

Broader than the scope of my transgressions

Greater far than all my sin and shame

O Magnify the precious name of Jesus

Praise His name!

Wonderful grace of Jesus

Reaching to all the lost

By it I have been pardoned

Saved to the uttermost

Chains have been torn asunder, giving me liberty

For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

Wonderful grace of Jesus

Reaching the most defiled

By its transforming power

Making him God's dear child

Purchasing peace and Heaven for all eternity

For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

                

Hymn by Haldor Lillenas , 1918

Sunday Relationship Post- Speaking Thankfulness

     In our world of entitlement, there is a shortage of speaking gratitude. Saying "please" and "thank you" are seemingly dated phrases. But voicing thankfulness begins at home, and homes need to step it up. The more we both voice and show our thankfulness, the more enjoyable it is for the person to treat us generously. In a marriage, it's no different. In fact, showing appreciation is a healthy way to build a marriage up.
     There are two sides to thankfulness- the person who is giving, and the one receiving. We don't give in order to receive- that should never be our motive. But giving generously and lovingly is a big part of a relationship. Some provide financially for the family, some contribute by their care of the home, and some do both. These are actions that should be appreciated, as they take time, energy, effort, and careful attention. Saying "thank you" goes beyond manners- it shows appreciation for the efforts of others to make our life better and brighter. 
     Just as we need to hear appreciation for our hard work in our careers, we also need to hear it at home. Nothing makes a person more motivated to be a rock star on the job, then when their boss builds them up with compliments and encouragement. A great leader will encourage those who work under them, motivating them to give their best effort. Why not practice this same behavior in our homes? Encourage one another and show appreciation for the things we do- whether we made an excellent dinner, washed the car, earned a bonus at work, paid for a dinner out, or picked up the dry cleaning. 
     When we fail to say "thank you" over and over and over again, we leave the door open for the provider to feel unappreciated and taken for granted. We never want those feelings in any relationship- especially a marriage. Think of ways your spouse provides for you and voice your appreciation. Learn to speak thankfulness, and don't stop with people. We want to use this same principle with how we treat our Heavenly Father. He has blessed us with so much, and we need to acknowledge our blessings by thanking Him for them. So I pray for an attitude of gratefulness over expectedness. And I thank the Lord for blessing me with so many wonderful people and material comforts. 

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 ESV
Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, Hebrews 12:28 ESV
Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name! Psalm 100:4 ESV
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. James 1:17 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to live with a thankful spirit, and to let others know I appreciate them. May those closest to me never feel taken for granted because of my selfish, careless attitude of expectedness. I thank You for the many blessings I enjoy, and for giving Your Son to pay for my pardon. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!