Relationships and Marriage 101

 Maybe you're dating, and everything about your girl or guy seems perfect. You can't think of one thing that you seriously don't just love about them. You wake in the morning and smile when you think of them. You fall asleep at night longing for the day you never have to be apart again. It's a match made in heaven, and you can't imagine ever being unhappy together.

Maybe you're engaged, and you've been together a little longer. Life has exposed a few flaws in the one you thought was perfect for you. Overall, they are still pretty great, but you can now pinpoint a few things about your love that irritate and upset you. "Am I making the biggest mistake of my life", you wonder, or is this just normal stuff?

And maybe you're married, and if you are, you've likely figured out by now that your wonderful spouse isn't perfect—sigh. They don't seem to know how to put away their clothes, and they get toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror. And even worse—they have moments where their temper flares or they are too busy to give you the proper attention you desperately crave. What in the world did I do? What did I see in this person, and how was I so blind?

The more vulnerable we become with someone, the more we begin to know the "real them". And oftentimes, this births in us the ridiculous notion that we must be the person responsible to change the things we don't like in our partner. "If only they were more _____, or why does he always have to _____?" Pointing our fingers elsewhere takes pressure off ourselves. It's easy to desire or demand change in our partner thinking this will resolve the issues in our relationship, but what does Scripture have to say about it?

Here is a pretty forthright portion of Scripture regarding this type of behavior: "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother,'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye (Matthew 7:3-5, ESV)." 

Essentially, this portion of Scripture reminds us to take care of our own junk before worrying about someone else's. It means that we attend to the shortcomings we have before even considering the flaws in our spouse. It requires me to take inventory of my own actions and behavior before looking outward. It may involve my own resolve to correct habits of messiness, moodiness, careless words when I'm hungry, or criticism. And only when I've succeeded in correcting them should I even begin to start pointing out the flaws of my husband. Long story short—I'll likely never get my act completely together to make it to that point. Why? Because I have too many issues of my own.

If you are looking for the perfect husband or wife, you're going to really be disappointed. You may find one that is well-suited for you and brings you happiness, but you'll never find one without their own laundry list of faults and failures. When we stop to think of how our marriages are a picture of how Jesus loves us, it gives us a better grasp of the reality of loving imperfect people. I am beyond thankful that Jesus love isn't conditional, because if it were, I would not qualify. Instead, He chooses to love us in spite of all our shortcomings and pours His grace over them instead. Because of this, how can I not do the same with my spouse?

If you're in a place of discontentment and feel the need to look around you for who can change to make your life better, stop! Replace this negative pattern with the resolve to correct your own issues. When we work on ourselves, the people we love respond to our progress, and oftentimes our behavior changes theirs for the better. We often throw around the phrase "loving like Jesus", and who better to begin with than our other half? This means you will love them in all of their messiness and shower them with grace and unconditional love. It means you won't point fingers and look for ways to control change or nag them—you'll start with yourself, and if you're anything like me, you have a lot of work to do. 

An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge (Proverbs 18:15, ESV).

To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness (Ephesians 4:22-24, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to be willing to take a good look at ourselves and see our own shortcomings and then make necessary changes. Help us not to be finger pointers, but to first acknowledge our own need for change. May we love the way You have taught us in Your perfect, grace-filled love for us. In Your name we pray, Amen!

The Heart of Mary

I distinctly remember the weeks following the birth of my firstborn son. I remember sitting with him on our couch, pondering many things about him. Where would those little feet travel? What would his first word be? What would his hands touch, and who would they provide for? I hung on every sound he made, listening intently for signs of distress. After two miscarriages, God had given me the treasure of this child, and I would love him forever. 

Even as I had these thoughts, I also thought about the bad things that would surely happen to him. I hoped his hands and feet would not lead him into trouble, but I also was wise enough to know they likely would. His mouth would say things that would be hurtful, because he was human. He would make choices I would not like and he would do things that would bring us disappointment. This is the normal course of life for us as fallible humans—falling and failing because ultimately, we are all sinners.

But Mary. Can you imagine the thoughts she must have had about her firstborn Son? As I've enjoyed readings of late of the Christmas story, Mary has spoken to my mother's heart. What must it have been like to mother the Savior of the world? The differences she would see in her Son must've been striking, and unlike anything she had ever heard about or seen before. It all began in the most unconventional way with a visit from an angel.

For the first decade and a half of Mary's life, she surely had been around other babies with their mothers. She surely saw the natural way that children want their way—temper tantrums and all. She surely saw them cry and whine and disobey. She would have watched as exasperated moms exercised discipline to alter the behavior of their disobedient children. But all of that would be absent in her mothering of Jesus, the Holy and Perfect Son of God. 

All of this would be included in the pondering of Mary's heart that we read about in Luke 2:19. In addition would possibly be the visits from the shepherds and the wisemen. The virgin birth would have also been admittedly astounding, yet would solidify the validity of this Child's title as Messiah. Simeon's message to them in the temple would also stand out in her mind. But aside from all of this would be the notable difference in His character and behavior, beginning at infancy.

What must it have been like to love Jesus as mother and Savior? I love how this same Scripture says she "treasured up all these things" as she pondered them. The thoughts of our sweet babies are thoughts we treasure. But even as we have many thoughts we treasure, we also know our children will bring us disappointment at some point along the way. They will make mistakes. They will disobey and need correction. But Jesus never did. 

As I enjoyed the thoughts Mary surely had, my heart was touched by the character of Jesus. Pure, holy, loving and kind. This Child would become the Bridge between us and God. He would offer Himself as a substitute for the punishment that should have been ours, because He deeply loved us. And for me, that conjures up quite a bit of pondering in my own heart for Jesus—our promised Messiah and Savior. Hope was woven into this Baby whom Mary treasured. Hope not only for Mary, but for me and for you. As Christmas has passed for another year, the real story behind it remains. And just like Mary, may I also treasure up thoughts of Him as I ponder Who He is, and the reason He came: to rescue sinners like me. 

But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart (Luke 2:19, ESV). 

And he went down with them and came to Nazareth and was submissive to them. And his mother treasured up all these things in her heart (Luke 2:51, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, we are so grateful You came to rescue us and save us from our sin. May our hearts be like Mary's—touched with treasured thoughts of You. In Your name we pray, Amen!