The Gift of My Son

 Our house is full of wedding plans. This is a first for us, and it's baffling how much planning is packed into saying "I Do"! But it's mostly fun stuff and we are happy to do what it takes to give our only son a proper sendoff into his own life with his own wife. But some days it touches my heart how this little boy, grown into a man seldom leans on me these days. Yes, that's the way it's supposed to be, but I treasure memories of the little boy who never wanted to grow up so he could stay with me forever. And I'm so, so incredibly grateful for the years I've had him home with me—those are years I will forever treasure in my heart.

It all started close to twenty-five years ago. The effort and tears and prayers and love all poured into him in hopes of giving him the very best foundation to start his own family. Sure I've made mistakes along the way, but never did my heart stray from only wishing him the best and wanting a great future for him. And so the effort of raising a good man was never wasted, and while no one is perfect I'm awfully proud of my son. 

Now the purpose of this post isn't to make you roll your eyes or gag at the mushiness, but rather to show how our children are a gift—not only to us but to their future spouse. If I allow laziness, disrespect and unkindness to be overlooked and shrug my shoulders at it, I do a disservice to their future spouse. Greed, grudge holding and no spiritual foundation will not make him the man I want for his wife. And so we have a huge responsibility as parents to make humans that will be respectful, helpful and tender spouses. 

The days are counting down until the day I will watch him take his girl as his wife. In that moment I'll nearly bust with pride and emotion, but I'll also give one of the greatest gifts I have to give—the gift of my son. I hope that in him I've instilled a sense of being the best husband he can be and in time, Lord willing, the best dad he can be. Those character traits have hopefully been formed in him, even as most came at the surrender of worn knees and heavenly pleas. He is one of my most valuable treasures and when I stop to think of this, I'm taken to Calvary.

God sent His only precious, highly treasured Son to a cruel cross to die in my place. Not because I'm a "good" person because I surely am not, but because of my great sin that separated me from a holy God. His Son was everything perfect and everything holy yet He gave Him willingly out of a love for us greater than our understanding. He gave me the gift of His Son. It was the single-most selfless sacrifice and one that provided everything I could ever need to secure my eternal pardon. He didn't make mistakes along the way and offer the best He could manage—He offered a perfect Son for a sinful creation. So while I offer my own son, filled with humanity's sinful imperfections, He offered the only perfect Son for me—for you!

When the day comes for me to celebrate the giving of my son to his beautiful bride, I hope I can take a few moments that day to reflect on God's Son being given to me. Giving something of great value has a high cost. In God's case, no higher cost could have been paid—He gave us the very best. And while my own son is no match to the cost paid through Jesus on the cross, he is my only boy–the son of my own heart. I'm not a person of great wealth or prestige—my children far excel over any earthly goods I could offer. As my heart thinks on these things, may it be touched with the price He paid for me through His own Son, Jesus. Thank You, Lord for your indescribable gift—my heart is humbled anew at Your great love for me. 

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward (Psalm 127:3, ESV).

And behold, a voice from heaven said, "This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased (Matthew 3:17, ESV)."

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father we thank You for the gift of Your Son, given up to the cross in order to rescue us from sin. Your love exceeds our understanding and our hearts are warmed by You. In Your name we pray, Amen!

Relationships and Marriage 101

 Maybe you're dating, and everything about your girl or guy seems perfect. You can't think of one thing that you seriously don't just love about them. You wake in the morning and smile when you think of them. You fall asleep at night longing for the day you never have to be apart again. It's a match made in heaven, and you can't imagine ever being unhappy together.

Maybe you're engaged, and you've been together a little longer. Life has exposed a few flaws in the one you thought was perfect for you. Overall, they are still pretty great, but you can now pinpoint a few things about your love that irritate and upset you. "Am I making the biggest mistake of my life", you wonder, or is this just normal stuff?

And maybe you're married, and if you are, you've likely figured out by now that your wonderful spouse isn't perfect—sigh. They don't seem to know how to put away their clothes, and they get toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror. And even worse—they have moments where their temper flares or they are too busy to give you the proper attention you desperately crave. What in the world did I do? What did I see in this person, and how was I so blind?

The more vulnerable we become with someone, the more we begin to know the "real them". And oftentimes, this births in us the ridiculous notion that we must be the person responsible to change the things we don't like in our partner. "If only they were more _____, or why does he always have to _____?" Pointing our fingers elsewhere takes pressure off ourselves. It's easy to desire or demand change in our partner thinking this will resolve the issues in our relationship, but what does Scripture have to say about it?

Here is a pretty forthright portion of Scripture regarding this type of behavior: "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother,'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye (Matthew 7:3-5, ESV)." 

Essentially, this portion of Scripture reminds us to take care of our own junk before worrying about someone else's. It means that we attend to the shortcomings we have before even considering the flaws in our spouse. It requires me to take inventory of my own actions and behavior before looking outward. It may involve my own resolve to correct habits of messiness, moodiness, careless words when I'm hungry, or criticism. And only when I've succeeded in correcting them should I even begin to start pointing out the flaws of my husband. Long story short—I'll likely never get my act completely together to make it to that point. Why? Because I have too many issues of my own.

If you are looking for the perfect husband or wife, you're going to really be disappointed. You may find one that is well-suited for you and brings you happiness, but you'll never find one without their own laundry list of faults and failures. When we stop to think of how our marriages are a picture of how Jesus loves us, it gives us a better grasp of the reality of loving imperfect people. I am beyond thankful that Jesus love isn't conditional, because if it were, I would not qualify. Instead, He chooses to love us in spite of all our shortcomings and pours His grace over them instead. Because of this, how can I not do the same with my spouse?

If you're in a place of discontentment and feel the need to look around you for who can change to make your life better, stop! Replace this negative pattern with the resolve to correct your own issues. When we work on ourselves, the people we love respond to our progress, and oftentimes our behavior changes theirs for the better. We often throw around the phrase "loving like Jesus", and who better to begin with than our other half? This means you will love them in all of their messiness and shower them with grace and unconditional love. It means you won't point fingers and look for ways to control change or nag them—you'll start with yourself, and if you're anything like me, you have a lot of work to do. 

An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge (Proverbs 18:15, ESV).

To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness (Ephesians 4:22-24, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to be willing to take a good look at ourselves and see our own shortcomings and then make necessary changes. Help us not to be finger pointers, but to first acknowledge our own need for change. May we love the way You have taught us in Your perfect, grace-filled love for us. In Your name we pray, Amen!

What Every Marriage Needs

 There are many different things a marriage needs—that's definitely true! Without certain components a marriage will struggle. We need respect, acceptance, and love. We crave companionship, romance and daily support. We want to feel attraction and desire. As Christians, we need a firm foundation individually and as a unit in Christ. These are all important aspects that enhance and build a successful marriage—but without commitment, the marriage is in serious trouble.

For the year or so that followed the rebuilding of our marriage, I struggled with worry—hoping our marriage would make it this time. One of the most wonderful truths that came to me through prayer was this: It's not my responsibility to make my spouse stay. Sure, I need to put forth my best effort at being a wife, but the staying of my spouse doesn't rest on my shoulders—what does rest on my shoulders is my own commitment to stay. This removed a large amount of anxiety and burden I initially felt as we forged into recovery and rebuilding, allowing me to focus on what I was responsible for. 

Commitment is something we learn from God, because He has demonstrated it daily to us. I sadly remember times in my own Christian experience when I wandered from God and allowed our connection to grow dim. Let me be clear—it was completely one-sided. God never leaves us or abandons us—He is faithful and committed to us every second of every day. Just because I forget to pray at times or read His Word won't send Him packing. If I believe I'm too busy to meet with Him on Sundays because my priorities are in the wrong order, He won't turn His back on me. If I fail to tell others about what He's done in my life and neglect to share His gospel story, He's still with me. Does it hurt Him? It does, but it does not change His commitment to me. 

It's embarrassing when we stop to think of how we are as part of Christ's bride and the different expectations we have for our own spouse. We have the perfect Bridegroom, and yet we often are guilty of treating Him poorly and not making Him the priority we should in life. But the minute our spouse begins to irritate us or do things we don't particularly like, we feel less committed and possibly even ready to throw in the towel. Do you see how trivial we are when we consider the commitment God has shown us? There are situations when staying isn't safe—whether physically or emotionally. Abuse is always wrong, but in the regular pattern of living and loving 24/7, "messy" is bound to happen at times.

So we see how God is our primary example of commitment, but what exactly does the word mean? Commitment is defined as the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity or something else. In the case of marriage, it's a dedication to your spouse and the vows you made. It's being there for each other when life is hard and full of challenges. It's being the support needed when life gets difficult, and also to celebrate victories. It's being there when your spouse is sick, aggravating, or discouraged. It's remaining committed whether they seem boring, put on weight or forget your anniversary. Commitment means you stay for better or for worse—expecting that some seasons will truly be "worse". 

For any who are married or considering marriage, commitment is the essential element. You can only control your staying—your spouse is responsible for theirs. You can worry and hope and try to do this, or try to do that. Ultimately as Christians, our level of commitment should mirror the pattern we learned through Christ and leaving should not be a consideration unless we are in danger. There is no perfect spouse out there and somedays, yours will irritate you or make you angry. Other days, you'll be the one irritating and upsetting your spouse. This brings to light the additional need for a forgiving spirit—also best displayed through Christ. When we stop to consider what He's forgiven us for, it's shameful to think of us holding grudges and refusing to easily forgive others. Marriage is hard, yes, but marriage is also a beautiful blessing—one to treat with care, consideration and commitment. 

If a man vows a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth (Numbers 30:2, ESV).

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the LORD and not for men (Colossians 3:23, ESV),

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up (Galatians 6:9, ESV)

"If you love me, you will keep my commandments (John 14:15, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for your faithful commitment to each one of us. We don't deserve it because we fail You so often. May we learn from Your perfect example, and treat our spouses the way You treat us. In Your name we pray, Amen!

The Jealousy Of Cain

In the course of time Cain brought to the LORD an offering of the fruit of the ground, and Abel also brought of the firstborn of his flock and their fat portions. And the LORD had regard for Abel and his offering, but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry, and his face fell. Cain spoke to Abel his brother. And when they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel and killed him. And the LORD said, “What have you done? The voice of your brother’s blood is crying to me from the ground. And now you are cursed from the ground, which has opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. When you work the ground, it shall no longer yield to you its strength. You shall be a fugitive and a wanderer on the earth.” (Genesis 4:3-6, 8, 10-12 ESV)

Jealousy. A sin we easily commit daily. We play the comparison game and often feel like we are getting the short end of the stick. They have more money. He has a better job. She has a better body. They have a nicer home. She has trouble-free kids. His wife is sweeter than mine. Her husband is more attentive. Dangerous, jealous thoughts enter our minds and steal the joy of our own marriage blessings. It's an unhealthy game we often play, and it never leads to good. 

Cain had a pretty good situation going on for him. He was an accomplished farmer. He had been blessed with a green thumb, and before his curse, the ground easily produced for him. He was just missing one thing- a heart for God. This one missing character trait cost him everything. He was jealous of his younger brother, Abel. Abel understood God’s requirements regarding sacrifice, and took great care to give an acceptable offering. Cain hated his brother for outshining him in the presence of God. This led to a jealousy that turned his heart and hands to murder his very own brother. The price of this evil deed led to a curse on Cain that was almost too much for him to bear. Because jealousy and envy does that-it destroys and steals. 

Jealousy is a dangerous enemy to marriage. We can find ourselves feeling bitter about our spouse’s shortcomings when we shift our gaze to other couples and begin making comparisons. What we aren’t seeing, is the inside, day-to-day struggles, we all face in the confines and privacy of our own homes. Nobody is perfect, and no one has it all, no matter what you think you observe in them. Instead of wishing for something someone else has, why not invest that energy into bettering ourselves and our own marriage? When we put in the effort, even if its one-sided, our marriage will be much better for it. 

One of the best ways to get rid of jealousy is voicing gratitude for what you’ve been given. The more you do it, the more natural it will become to have a heart of thankfulness for your spouse. Then thank God for your spouse, and focus on their positive attributes. Don't take them for granted. Talk to your spouse about their strengths, and let them know what you specifically appreciate about them. The more we focus on being grateful, the more jealousy will not take root and destroy. Don’t be like Cain. Satan will try any tactic to destroy the joy in your marriage. Refuse to allow jealousy to lessen the gift you have been given in your own spouse. Your marriage is the one to focus one. Anything different will only lead to discontent. 

*What are you specifically jealous of? Take a moment to think of even one thing that is a dangerous jealous thought, standing in the way of fully enjoying your own marriage. 

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for the blessing of marriage-my marriage. Help us guard our hearts against jealousy, as it can easily cause us to be full of discontentment in all of our relationships-especially the one I share with my spouse. Thank You for the gift we have in one another. Help us to regularly speak thankfulness for the one you’ve given to us. In the name of Jesus, we pray, Amen.

 

Life's Second Biggest Decision

 I have a confession to make, and I hope I don't cause any of you women readers to fall into the same obsession as me. I love Freebird boots, and can't seem to stop perusing their website, trying to choose my next pair. They are hand-made, and the sizes can be slightly off, so I read and read and read all the reviews in hopes of choosing the right size. I never buy them without some sort of promotional discount, but the best I usually get is 20% off. If they are discounted, the company won't accept returns or exchanges, so it's very important to choose precisely. There is an actual hashtag for #freebirdaddiction, and I guess I can say that resonates with me. And while choosing the perfect new pair of Freebirds has a cost investment, it won't ultimately change my life if I choose wrong.

Choices-we make them every day. Some are bigger and some are less consequential. I choose what to feed my family for dinner, I choose what to wear each day, and I choose where I need to go. All of these choices and decisions are pretty unimportant, and won't generally make a huge impact on my life. Then I find myself making bigger decisions. Where would I go to college? What do I want to do with my life? Should we buy a new car or a new house? Are we ready to be parents? Where does God want me to serve Him? These decisions are much more impactful, and need careful consideration when making a choice. 

Life's biggest decision is the choice we make about Jesus Christ. Will we accept His free gift of salvation and allow Him to wash us clean of our sin and guilt, or will we ignore His gift and ultimately find ourselves eternally separated from God in a place of eternal punishment? Because this decision affects not only this life, but our eternal destiny, it's obviously the big one. And yet many people ignore His calling, and live a self-centered life, seeking pleasure and their own way. If you haven't yet made the decision to be a follower of Jesus, I urge you to choose Christ and accept His free gift today. This is the most urgent issue we face, and should be treated with seriousness and without hesitation. 

But what's second in importance? What other decision has a huge impact on our life? I can't think of one more important than choosing a spouse. This choice should be given careful consideration, and should include a lot more than just physical attraction. Are you both on the same spiritual page? Do you have a similar desire to allow God to lead you in your lives together? Do you feel safe and secure with this person? Are there multiple red flags? Have you spent enough time together to really know one another? Do you share a future vision that you are mutually happy with? Do you both want a family? Are you committed to stay together, and learn from the things that make you so different? 

Even after we make our choice, there will be issues that arise through the years. You'll disagree. You'll find certain habits annoying. Our spouse could become disabled or disfigured. They may lose their job or fall into periods of depression. They may gain weight or lose their hair. They'll get wrinkles, and wear their favorite shirt over and over again, even though you strongly dislike it. They'll leave clothes on the floor, and chew louder than you prefer. There will be a host of reasons why this person you chose so carefully, will occasionally drive you crazy. But here comes another very important choice-will you stay? Will you stay when life gets hard, and life changes each of you? 

Marriage is such an important decision, because it's to last a lifetime. There shouldn't be an escape clause. This person is your person-flesh of your flesh. You have become essentially one when God joined the two of you together. So many people throw in the towel and walk away, only to be let down that the next person isn't perfect either. And so I want to encourage any who have not made this choice yet to choose well. Look past the exterior, and look deep at the heart. Is this a heart you trust and respect? Is this person someone you are excited to share your whole life with? Will this person be strength in your weak areas, and will you decide to love them-no matter what?

Our spouse will bring us joy and disappointment. And we will bring out those same feelings in our husband or wife. We aren't promised an easy road as God's children-but rather that we will be called to identify with suffering like Jesus did. That means sometimes life is hard, and bad things will happen. Looking at my own marriage, I am thankful for the choice I made. Some seasons have been difficult and heartbreaking, but most have been joy-filled. And the seasons that were hard, ultimately brought us closer together. Our journey is a story we have made and lived out together. God has revealed great purpose in our love story, and I am blessed each day to be living out His plans for us. So, weigh your decisions and seek His best for you. And just in case anyone wondered, my next pair of Freebirds are on the way! 

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him (James 1:5, ESV).

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths (Proverbs 3:6, ESV).

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you (Psalm 32:8, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, may we seek Your way for us in our lives. We confess our need to bring our decisions before You, waiting on Your best for us, and yet we often choose without consulting Your Word. Help us to remember the value in seeking Your Word when we are faced with decisions-especially in choosing a spouse. We thank You for Your grace, mercy and wisdom. In Your name we pray, Amen!

**There are certain circumstances where it is biblical to leave. If your safety is in jeopardy, or the safety of your children, please seek shelter and help. There are other situations, such as infidelity, that may cause one to leave a marriage. But in most cases (not all, but most) , healing and restoration is possible.

Will You Love Me Tomorrow?

     I've not been feeling exactly like myself, lately. I feel a little messier and a less put together. My nails are a wreck- short, thin and brittle from chipping off my own gel polish. We don't really have any reason to get dressed up or to get our make-up just right. It's a lot of gym clothes and pony tails. It's a "we're stuck in the house, and snacks beckon us", kind of month. Gyms are closed. So while I'm a fan of self care, I've been a little re-miss lately at doing a great job in this department. I know many of my girlfriends feel the same way- a little unpolished and unkempt. And if we aren't careful, this feeling will carry over into our spirit, whispering lies about who we really are and what our true worth is. Can you feel me? Have you felt a little out of sorts during this quarantine way of life?
     Self image is an age old ploy of the devil to rob us of how God sees us. And while a little effort is important, it still comes down to one basic bottom line in love- it's a choice. My mind goes to a couple  I follow through social media. Two attractive people, married only a few years. A disfiguring accident changed the whole course of their life. She no longer looked beautiful on the outside, at least according to the world's standard of beauty. Her life would now include the need for round the clock care, a wheel chair and diapers. As far as self image- this is a helpless place to live, day in and day out. You can't will yourself to look like you used to, or navigate like you used to- this is the new reality for this lovely couple, and they are ...thriving. How is this possible, given their current state? Again, we go back to the basic truth -love is a choice!
     Can you love like this? Selfless. Serving. Exhausting. It's one of the deeper, darker trials of life, and yet it's possible when we understand what love really is. For those of us who have been betrayed in love, it's hard to believe that we could be loved in this way. We may doubt it's possible, but our worth does not rest in who we think we are, or even in who our spouse thinks we are, but rather in who God says we are. And when we understand that God loves us in our lowest state, it should shame us to think of how shallowly we often love others. When Jesus willingly died an excruciating death to save me, out of His great love for me, He set the bar really high for how I'm to love. If I'm honest, I fall short far more often than I hit the mark. 
     Your words and actions have the power to eradicate doubt and fear in your spouse. We all go through periods of insecurity and we all feel "less than" at some point in our lives. Right now, we are all missing our hair stylists, nail techs and fitness instructors. We may be feeling a little less attractive, but it doesn't change the heart of who we are, or the choice to love through those messier seasons. Let's not listen to the lies that this changes our worth or makes us less worthy of love. Let's heed the call of Scripture that encourages us to build others up, fulfilling a real need in every one of us. One day, hopefully soon, my nails may look better. One day soon, I can get back to my gym routine. But I'm no less today, than I was or will be. Every day, I'm chosen. Every day, I'm loved. Every day, I'm reminded that God found me worth dying for. My circumstances don't change that. And when we love one another in this way, fears and doubts are cast out. And we know- we really know, we will be loved tomorrow.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 (ESV)
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18 (ESV)
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 (ESV)
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:7 (ESV)

Dear heavenly Father, help us to remember our value does not rest on our outward beauty- but as we read in Your Word, You look in our hearts. May we learn to love like You love, without conditions. And may we learn to listen to what Your Word says about us and not the lies Satan whispers in our ears. May I love my spouse every day- no matter what. In Your Name I pray, Amen!

Who's Your #1?

     I remember the good old days- the days when my son thought I hung the moon. "Mom, I'm gonna marry you when I get big", he'd say. Other nights, when I would tuck him in his bed, he would whisper "goodnight, mom. You're my favorite person in the whole world." That was before he grew up, and before Delanie. That's life in a child's world, where mom and dad held that number one place in the life of their little one. It's not that my son doesn't love me now, but he realized as he grew up that I'm just "mom", and I 'll never take the place of Who should be first in life. And he also realized he sure doesn't want to marry me, thank goodness!
     But his naive misplaced view of me is a great picture of how we place value on relationships. Often, we get it wrong and we place the priority of our hearts on someone here. We love others more than we love God. I've had to question myself on this age old problem- who has the ultimate place of priority in my heart? Is it my kids? Is it my husband? Is it a boyfriend or fiancé? Is it a career or a substance? What gets top place in my affections and in my life? We can get a little turned around in love. We may romanticize loving someone more than anyone or anything. We may think we are loving the very best kind of love, but if we love them more than we love and serve God, we simply aren't.
     The truth is, loving God helps us love everyone else so much better. God is love, and through Him, we learn how to love others. Healthy relationships are not based on how a person performs. When we learn to allow God's love for us redefine the way we love others, we free a person from being loved based on their qualifications. We all mess up, and we all make mistakes. If we love others first, we will eventually be let down by them and begin to question if we truly love one another. If we love God first, we will better understand that people are fallible, and can only love with human capacity- faulty at best. Understanding our own shortcomings, and how they don't disqualify us from God's great love for us, helps us pass it on to those we have a love relationship with.
     There are many practical ways we can show that we love God first in our habits, attitudes, choices, and behaviors. Making God our top priority will have a cost, and considering what He did for us, any cost on our part is a privilege. Putting aside time for church, studying His Word, and spending time with Him are all ways we can express our love. But perhaps one of the best indicators of how well we love Him, will be in how we love others. Selflessly. Graciously. Fiercely. It's a no-strings attached kind of love. A love that has no limit or no exclusions. It's an all-in kind of love, with no exit clause. 
     So if you really want to love others well- love God first. Kick your spouse or your girlfriend, or children down a notch. By loving God more than you love them, you'll actually love them so much better. And they'll feel it. I know I feel the most secure when my husband loves God more than he loves me. And I love him the best when I allow God to have the priority of my heart. And when you do, His love will shine through you, spilling over into all your other relationships, allowing you to look more like Jesus. In a culture with a distorted view of love, we are given the opportunity to give fresh light on God's love to a watching world, when we love Him the most. 

"You shall no have other gods before me. Exodus 20:3 (ESV)
And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. Matthew 22:37-38 (ESV)
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33 (ESV)
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Luke 12:34 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, I should easily love you more than others, and yet my heart is often not where it should be. I get distracted by earthly love- for my husband, for my kids, and even for this world. I lose sight of all You are, and all You've done, far too often. Help me to remember that by loving You most, I will love others so much better. In Your name, I pray Jesus, Amen!

     

No Way Out!

     We often like to think we are highly-committed people, but many times, we find it so easy to throw in the towel and quit. Take dieting, for instance. I often find myself setting goals, only to throw them out the window for a piece of warm apple pie with vanilla ice cream, or a Chick-fil-A sandwich with a frosted coffee. I planned to have a little, boring cup of  greek yogurt, but my hunger spoke louder than my good sense. The most important aspect of being successful in weight loss, is a commitment to sticking it out- and sometimes, I simply cave. 
     The same is true within a marriage. There are so many tools we can apply in our marriages that will help to better them- love, grace, understanding, patience, kindness, actions that support our words, a listening ear, a servant's heart, honesty, respect and so much more! But without commitment, those tools simply aren't enough. If we don't believe in the vows we made, "as long as we both shall live", we are in hot water! A marriage lacking in commitment is in trouble. 
     Apart from abuse, viewing our marriage as permanent is crucial to its health. In my own marriage, for almost two and a half decades, we were both completely committed to one other. It was understood that we would always be together, as long as God gave us. But in a very short time, Satan opened up the door to a "way out". He whispered lies that separated us. He provided a recipe for marital disaster. And as soon as commitment was in question, we found ourselves suffering the consequences of allowing this thought process to invade and destroy. 
     Why is it important to God that we honor our marriage, and stay committed? God has patterned marriage after His relationship with us- His children. He calls our relationship with Him a marriage. We are His Bride, and He is our bridegroom. How serious is God's commitment to His people? Does He change His mind about us when we fail Him? Does He decide He likes someone better than us, and abandon us? Does He grow tired of us, and long for someone better? No! God is faithfully committed to us, and that will never change. Even when we are the most unlovable.We never have to worry about where He is, or if He will stick around. He is always with us, and He always will be. If our marriage is to be a picture of that relationship He has with us, then we should have a clear picture of why He values our marital commitment, and wants us to remain faithful to one another. 
     While I may sometimes stink at staying committed to a healthy diet, I need to make sure I don't lose sight of being committed in my marriage. Some days will be hard. Some seasons will seem almost impossible. Some moments will crush my heart. But most won't. Most have been enjoyable, comfortable, wonderful, fulfilling and full of wonderful memories. But even on the days when those seem far from reach, may God give me a heart of commitment to my husband. If I want my marriage to succeed, and I most certainly do, then I have to believe there isn't a way out. Not because I'm trapped, but because God has a plan for the two of us, and if I quit, I'll miss out on whatever it is. And in the process, I would tarnish the picture of God's love for His children. Friend- let's not say we are stuck in our marriages when we consider commitment. Instead, let's stay committed- focused on being the very best spouse for our partner. Even on the hard days. Even when we don't want to- we stay. Because God stays with us. 

If a man vows a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. Numbers 30:2 ESV
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9 ESV
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, it's easy to stay committed when things are great, and life is good. But on the harder days, we often want to quit. Give us the strength and courage to remain committed to our marriages- even when they don't look the way we hoped. Help us to be a picture of grace when grace is needed, and help our marriage to reflect your relationship with us. Lord, even when it seems impossible, we know there is always a way, because You are with us. In Your name, we pray, Amen!

Against Any Odds

     Reading through the statistics of marriages that face infidelity is staggering. Even in Christian marriages, the numbers aren't encouraging. It's so easy to feel protected from the possibility, yet it's also very naive. According to multiple surveys, a little over half of married couples will experience an affair. Many never come to light, sadly, and stay hidden as skeletons in the closet. And while we may be able to hide our skeletons from others, we know we can't hide them from God. Did I ever see it coming in my own marriage? I absolutely didn't, and the best piece of advice I can give to each of you is this- guard your hearts, keep communication open and active, and invest in one another spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
     Once a marriage has experienced an affair, what are the chances of restoration and recovery? I was pleasantly surprised to read that 70% of couples that admit to infidelity will stay together! While even a larger number would be better, 70% was better than what I expected. Some are adamant they would never be able to forgive an affair, and would divorce if it happened in their own marriage. I was sure of those feelings myself, but God had other plans for me. 
     I think it's much more important to focus on your new commitment, than to allow statistics to cause fear or discouragement. Sure, the path ahead is a little daunting initially, but staying the course with a renewed sense of purpose, allowing God to create something better is certainly where we are happy to be. For us, we are absolutely certain that God had to be in it on both sides in order for it to work. Once we re-established that foundation, we had something we could build on. Another component I believe to be important is to learn that forgiveness means letting go of what happened. It doesn't mean that we don't learn lessons from it, and it doesn't mean that we don't have scars that can at times feel sore- but it does mean that we are able to truly feel forgiveness regarding the betrayal. 
     So how do we find ourselves in that 70%, and not the 30% that walk away? While I am sure each couple has their own stories of how they found victory over sexual betrayal, I think it starts with a willingness to face what's happened together, and seek help to heal with a genuine sense of commitment to restoration. Having a mutual openness to godly counsel was crucial in our marriage and continues to reap tremendous benefits. If you're in the stage of recovery, both my husband and I, would strongly encourage christian counseling along with marriage-based shared devotions and daily prayer. Once we were on the same page, with the leading and guiding of our Heavenly Father, we refused to accept anything less than God's best for us as a couple- and we knew that meant staying together. Yes, we are still a work in progress, but God is making our story so beautiful, and He isn't even finished with us yet! Don't stop praying for us, and we won't stop praying for those we are touching with our own story. And my prayer is this- "God, help those in the 70% to heal and recover and flourish in their renewed love. But God, please help heal the broken hearts of the 30%, and the loved ones that continue to hurt inside the brokenness of infidelity. And Father, allow us to help others experiencing the deep pain associated with an affair- may You use us in ways that continue to blow us away. In Your precious name I pray, Amen!"

But Ruth said, "Do not urge me to leave you or return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the LORD do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you." Ruth 1:16-17 ESV
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 ESV

Clean Feet

     Nothing stings quite like betrayal- especially when it comes from your spouse. It's painful and unexpected, yet it happens more frequently than we'd like to think. Forgiving betrayal isn't easy, and takes working through a complicated process of emotions. Some never get past it, while others are able to with time. Jesus was no stranger to betrayal, and He understands our feelings and emotions as we face our own Judas's. The marked difference in how I face being betrayed, is my own sin throughout the process, and my failure to see myself as a Judas to Jesus in my own ways. 
     In my personal Bible reading, I've read a lot about Judas lately, as we walked through the story of Jesus being crucified and raising Himself back to life. I love how we can read scripture over and over again, and yet new things grab you each time. A particular scene caught my attention- one of Jesus washing His disciples feet in the Upper Room before the Passover Meal. He removed his garment and wrapped a towel around His waist, and got to work. He didn't exclude Peter- knowing Peter would deny Him those three times. And He didn't exclude Judas- even though He knew his betrayal would be the catalyst allowed to lead to His own death. And I have no doubt, had I been there, that He would have included me- dirty with my own sin.
     I wonder about Judas, and the thoughts following his betrayal of Jesus. I don't really believe that Judas didn't notice Jesus was different- special even. But I do believe that money mattered more to him in the end. Maybe he was tired of living a simple life without riches and the comforts of the world, as was the way of Jesus and His disciples. He wanted something more, and money seemed to be the answer for him. But I also wonder if he ever looked down at his feet, clean from the careful cleansing of the Master, and felt shame. Did his mind go back to Jesus washing his feet and being told that he wasn't clean, because Jesus knew his traitorous heart? And did he remember Jesus calling him "Friend", when he kissed Him to signify to those seeking to capture Him that He was the One they sought?
     The ways of Jesus should always be the pattern I follow in my own life. Judas deserved harsh treatment from Jesus in our way of thinking- but He asks us to reconsider our thirst for retaliation and justice and do something ultimately harder, though much better. As Christians, we are asked to mirror the grace of Jesus in our own life choices and behavior. While an extramarital affair is a painful situation, it would be worse to have my husband hatch up a plan that led to my death- and even in something of this magnitude, Jesus loved Judas. If you're walking through life with feelings of bitterness and anger over your own betrayal, allow me to suggest the freedom we find in letting it go. We may or may not get the remorse and apology we so desire, but we do have the ability, through Him, to forgive without them. We can see the heart of Jesus more clearly when we allow ourselves to picture washing our own betrayer's feet with love and compassion, knowing what they would do to us. Living like Jesus isn't easy, but to hear Him say of us in a coming day, "well done, My faithful servant" will make it worth all the sacrifice. How will you love your Judas? Are you willing to love them like Jesus? It will be hard, but it'll be rewarded in a coming day, and His reward is always worth it. 

But Jesus said to him, "Judas, would you betray the Son of Man with a kiss?" Luke 22:48 ESV
For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15 ESV
After saying these things, Jesus was troubled in his spirit, and testified, "Truly, truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me." John 13:21 ESV
And when they heard it, they were glad and promised to give him money. And he sought an opportunity to betray him. Mark 14:11 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to love and forgive others like You do. When I am heartbroken and angry from the sting of betrayal, may I extend grace- even then. May I remember that on my best days, I'm still no better than a Judas- guilty and dirty from my own sin and failures. Father, help me to serve others like You taught us, by washing the feet of Your disciples. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen! 

Performance Based Commitment

     In our 21st century world, performance matters. The overachiever generally keeps their job. The better you perform, the happier your boss is, and your employer is better off because of your performance. The same is true of a student. If you put in the effort, your grades will reflect your effort. If you don't do your homework, don't study for tests, and rarely show up for class, you're setting yourself up for failure. 
     When we put in the work, we expect to benefit. That's the way of the American rat race- perform and achieve. We practice this in so many spheres of our lives that we forget that while performance is a legitimate goal in our relationships and marriages, it shouldn't be the indicator for commitment. That's not to say we throw in the towel and not bother in putting forth the effort to grow and cultivate it, but rather choosing to commit no matter how your spouse performs. This goes against the grain for us humans, as it is contrary to the worldly view of "getting what we deserve." We think if we put forth our best effort for our spouse, everything should go the way we deserve them to, and sometimes, that's just not the case.
     As Christians, our goal for our marriages should be grace- based commitment. This type of commitment is what God shows us. He looks at good works as empty, and doesn't throw us a reward for our good behavior. He also doesn't toss us aside when our behavior is sinful and ugly. He is 100% committed to us, regardless of how we perform. God's relationship with us is a picture of what a godly marriage should look like. 
     A christian marriage affected by infidelity can often shift, trying to "perform to keep". I know, because I've been there. We put pressure on ourselves to be more desirable in one way or another. This sprouts from feelings left over from insecurity and doubt, but are contrary to God's plan for us. Our thought pattern must change to view our marriage in a healthy light.
     As healing takes place, these feelings will fade with time, but in moments where we feel the need to perform to achieve a secure marriage, we need to step back and remember God's relationship with us. We are humans and we will mess up. Some days, I have better hair than others, and some days, my smile is a lot easier to find. I'll hurt feelings and blurt out stupid comments. And at the end of the day, just as God shows me grace when I poorly perform, my spouse should do the same. This isn't to say we don't need to apologize for missing the mark, but that our mess-up days won't change the commitment of our marriage partner. This is grace-based commitment- a commitment that says, "I'm here for you, even when you fall short!" 

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2:8-9 ESV
And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. John 1:16 ESV
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8 ESV
But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift. Ephesians 4:7 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to remember that we are committed to our spouse, regardless of performance. Our behavior from other spheres of life often gets us confused and we forget the standard is different within our marriages. Help me to shower grace on my spouse, and remember that some days will be better than others. Thank You for showing me grace when I fail, and I pray that I will show that same grace to others that fail me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

*** Physical or emotional abuse isn't to be ignored or glossed over- even in a Christian marriage. If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek professional help.

Sunday Relationship Post- Doing Things for One Another

     It's the little things that get me. While I get pretty excited about big things he does for me, I also love the little, unexpected gestures. Things like showing up at home with a cookbook someone was selling, because he knows how much I love a good cookbook. And the unlimited carwash package at our local Sam's Fast Wash- I mean, seriously- super excited about that one! I don't like having a dirty car, and I love black cars, so you know my struggle. My husband also is very good at arranging getaways for the two of us. These are special times for the two of us, and is something I really enjoy!
     What little things does your spouse do for you? Do you appreciate the effort and thoughtfulness associated with those simple little actions? It's great to be the recipient of these acts of love, but are we reciprocating? My husband appreciates little favors done for him- things like checking on our landscaping crew and pitching in when it's needed. He always says "thanks" when I grab his cleaning, run by the bank, order him a surprise gift or send him a sweet text. It doesn't take big things to show your love and appreciation for one another- but it does take some sacrifice, thought and a little effort.
     Doing things for one another doesn't have to cost money. A massage, wildflowers from a field, and cleaning their side of the closet are ways to show you care that don't cost a dime. Unexpected selfless actions done for those we love affirm our care for them. If you are on the receiving end, don't forget to say "thank you!" Thoughtful deeds that consistently go unappreciated often cease. Each of us should not only be the recipient of these actions, but should also be carrying them out as well. If you've not been doing well in this department, make an effort to change that, starting today.
     I think of Jesus washing the feet of His disciples- a loving act of service toward those He loved. Jesus taught by example- He showed us we are here to serve others. As Christians, our life shouldn't be self-focused, but others-focused. Why not start with our own spouse? What could you do today to show them loving service? By serving our spouse, we also honor God, and if you ask me, that's a win-win! 

Even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28 ESV
And whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Mark 10:44-45 ESV
Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you." Luke 6:38 ESV
Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. 1 John 3:18 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to serve my spouse and to invest in building up my marriage- not just today, but every day. You left us so many examples of serving others, and showing them kindness. I know Your way is best and I want my marriage to be the best it can be. Help me to start with myself- putting the needs of my spouse ahead of myself and doing things that will show my love for them. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
  
     

Don't Know what You've Got Until it's Gone

     There's a lot of truth to the title and lyrics of this song by Cinderella. This likely dates me a little- back to the 80's, which was a pretty good decade, to be honest. But just the simple truth in the song title is as real as real gets. For me, I took my life and my marriage for granted, but when faced with the very real possibility of losing my marriage, there was a lot of loss associated with that.
     It's a lot easier, today, to write a blog post on this subject, because I know the outcome of our journey through infidelity. But in reality, there is a lot to be gained in taking stock of whatever stage of life we are living today. Even in those darker months and years, there were life lessons and cultivating that I needed to learn and experience in order to appreciate today. When I think of life without my husband, I realize with clarity, the real sense of loss I faced. 
     Losing my marriage meant losing so much more than just a wedding ring and a last name. It meant losing my life partner- losing the yin to my yang (whatever that even is;). It meant making big decisions on my own and finishing up parenting as separated parents- not united. It meant quiet, lonely evenings and cereal for dinner, because cooking for one is a waste of my time. There was no one to fall asleep with each night, and no one to share all the little details of my day and my life. Who would care for me if I fell ill? What would I do with our family home and how do we separate personal items? There is so much associated with our marriage partner that we don't even realize until we lose it. For those readers whose spouse has died, my heart hurts for you. There is a permanency there that forces one to move forward without their other half, and I'm sure the pain is horrible.
     One of the best lessons to take from each day, and each moment in our journey, is to find the good in where we are. There is always good even in our most difficult moments. I can see the hugs, support, love, and prayers from my dearest friends and family in those dark times, and I see good. I look at how God made His presence so real and so comforting and I praise Him for His goodness. I can see how I was changed for the better through what we experienced. I can see how my husband is a better man because of what God brought us through. I see the good in our marriage today, and how much richer it is from experiencing near loss. Whatever it is you are facing today, I encourage you to see the good, and not just the heartache. It's understandable and easy to wish away these more difficult days, but trust that God is with you in your today, and He will use these moments to make a better "you" than you could ever imagine. Loss makes us appreciate what we do have, and I pray that today, you will find the touches of God in your present, and praise Him for them!

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 ESV
He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, Colossians 1:13 ESV
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27 ESV
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 ESV
This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. Psalm 119:50 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for giving back to me not only what I almost lost, but so much more. That is something only You can do, Father, and I praise You for Your ability to bless us beyond measure. For those who have lost a spouse, I pray for comfort and healing. We are so thankful that no matter what our circumstances, You are with us. You love us with a love we can't understand, and we are so grateful. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Sunday Relationship Post- Sex, God's Way!

     Sex is one of the most misused expressions of intimacy. Our world twists its meaning, capitalizes on it, and uses it to entice young and old alike. While it offers momentary pleasure, it often causes deep-seated pain. It steals, confuses, corrupts, and hurts. When misused, it often leads to heartache and brokenness. It can lead to paths of betrayal, abortion, disease, and addiction. We have distorted this gift, and used it in ways God never intended. 
     Who did He create sex for? This made me think of kids and young adults, and how they think it's gross to know their parents have sex- and yet, it was created for married people. God made sex as an expression of love between a husband and wife. If we are Christians and want to live a life that pleases God, scripture is clear that it was intended only inside of marriage. If you're single, dating, or engaged- God says not yet. He doesn't hold it back from us to punish or deprive us, He holds it back because He knows the pain and heartache it can cause. He says, "not yet" because He cares for us, and knows better than we do. And so, we should simply honor His Word and trust Him while we wait.
     What about sex inside of marriage? It shouldn't be given as a reward for good behavior, much like it shouldn't be withheld as punishment for bad behavior. It should be liberally enjoyed to express our love in feeling and action. We can say, "I love you" with words, but with sex, we show our love in a unique, beautiful way. God didn't only create it with procreation in mind, He knew it would be something we would crave and enjoy. Some days, we feel more intimate and loving than others, but regularly expressing our love in this way is healthy and builds a marriage up. Don't deprive one another when it comes to sex, it opens the door to sin and betrayal. I also challenge every married person not to look outside of your spouse for sexual fulfillment. It's always wrong, it always leads to trouble, and it always causes pain and heartache. 
     If you aren't married, and find yourself compromising when it comes to sex, consider studying God's Word on the subject. It's never too late to decide to save it for marriage. You may have done it wrong in the past, but with God, He always gives us opportunity to be obedient and start fresh. If you are married, make it a regular part of your communication. Be thankful for this unique gift God has given us- and enjoy it with your spouse. Make time for it, and don't allow distractions and an overfilled schedule to stand in the way of intimacy. Talk about what you need from your spouse, and learn to know what your spouse needs from you. If you're still in the "not yet" phase of life, as the saying goes- good things come to those who wait. 

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 1 Corinthians 6:18 ESV
So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:22 ESV
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 1 Corinthians 7:3 ESV
Let the marriage bed be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4 ESV
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for this gift- one we often misuse and abuse and in the process, we hurt not only others, but ourselves as well. Help us to be strong and exercise self-control, knowing that when we are sexually pure, we honor You. Help me treasure this gift, and remember Your purposes in it. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
     

How I Felt About Him When We Were Apart

     My husband always had my heart before he walked out the door. I found him fun, attractive and my other half. For almost 25 years, he was there, and I always figured he would be. When I discovered his affair, I had some pretty hurt and angry feelings- naturally. I had always joked about shooting him if he ever cheated on me, never thinking it was a real possibility for us.

     When he left, I honestly was torn in two about how I felt about him. I felt disgust and anger one minute, and compassion and love the next. My heart and mind had loved him so long, it didn't know how to feel differently. And yet I kept finding myself astounded that this man I had loved so long would betray me in this way. I would see him and feel like I either wanted to hide, or hug him. It was a very confusing time for me.

     I have never been that person that yells, screams and throws things. While other people offered their feelings of what they would do (or think they would do), it just isn't like me to be vindictive or ugly. It isn't that I didn't have those feelings or daydreams, but I couldn't do it and feel good about it. To be honest, my biggest feeling for him was concern- concern for how he was damaging relationships, hurting those who loved him the most, and turning his back on God. None of this was like the man I had loved and lived with for most of our lives. This concern was motivated by my feelings of love for him that I still felt.

     We had our face to face moments, and usually after the initial pain and anger started to shift, we could spend time together and show kindness and care. He was very forthright and honest at owning up to our situation, and I think that helped me to feel compassion rather than hatred. Another contributing factor - a big factor- was what God kept speaking to my heart. Over and over again He urged me to love him, pray for him, and show him kindness. It wasn't always easy, but I knew it was one way of reminding him that God loves us without conditions. And God asks us to love like He loves. This love is sacrificial, and a love we often feel for our kids, but less often feel it for an unfaithful spouse. Loving a spouse is a choice- one we make each day. I chose to love him regardless of his behavior and choices, and whether he returned my love or not didn't matter- I was choosing to love him the way Christ loves me. The rest was up to my Heavenly Father, and I trusted Him for whatever was ahead for us.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sin. 1 Peter 4:8 ESV

Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, 1 Peter 1:22 ESV

May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and the steadfastness of Christ. 2 Thessalonians 3:5 ESV

Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to love- even when it's hard. I thank You for faithfully loving me, no matter what I do or say. Your love is faithful and kind, and I want to love like You love. Help me to love like that, Father, In Your precious name I pray, Amen! 

Sunday Relationship Post- Complimenting One Another

     I am honored to know a lady that makes everyone feel like a million bucks. Elsie goes out of her way to make everyone feel special, beautiful, loved and appreciated. If you are blessed with knowing her, you know how amazing she is. Being around someone like her leaves you feeling positive and full of smiles. Why can't we all be more like my friend, Elsie?
     In a relationship, compliments are important. Whether you compliment each other's looks, accomplishments, cooking, or new outfit, compliments feel good, and make you feel cherished and appreciated. If you don't compliment your spouse, someone else will. Why would we want our husband or wife to be complimented by others, and not by me? We all have a need to feel wanted and appreciated, and we especially need to feel that with our life partner. 
     Make a point today to compliment the one you love. The more you do it, the better you will feel. Don't worry about keeping score- they make take a while to catch on. But if you do feel neglected and need complimented more, don't be afraid to have a conversation about it. Often times, we get so busy doing our own thing that we forget to speak kindness to those we love. It isn't good enough to think it- we need to make sure we are saying it!
     God made us with a need to feel loved and appreciated. While He does love us- so very much, if we are in a relationship, we should be expressing the things our spouse needs to hear. Just as God reminds us of His love for us, we need to show that same kind of love to others. So let's try to be more like Elsie to a world that needs to smile more, and feel loved and appreciated. And why not start with the person who needs it the most from you- your spouse. Let them know today how much they mean to you, and what it is about them that you love. It only takes a simple compliment to turn a bad day around. 

Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. Romans 15:2 ESV
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to compliment others - especially my spouse. May my pride not hold me back from saying things that build others up. Thank You for speaking of Your love towards me, and help me to speak of mine for others. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Rings

     I will never forget the day my best friend became my fiance, and slipped an engagement ring on my finger. We were walking along the beach on Topsail Island, and he proposed to me. That ring was special to me, and so was the man that placed it on my hand. I couldn't wait to show everyone- so much so, that even though I had sun poisoning on my LIPS, and had pink scaly lotion on them, I just HAD to go to church to share my news. Seriously, I can't believe I did that, looking back!
     Rings are special, especially to us women. And the story behind them is even more special. So when I decided to remove my wedding ring, it tore at my heart. My ring meant that I belonged to someone, and removing it meant that I didn't. Most people my age wore one, and I wondered how many, like me, took it for granted. When I first put mine on at the age of 22, I never really took it off. It was there, and after the initial newness of it wore off, I didn't really pay too much attention to it. 
     If you have faced infidelity, you may have your own "ring story". My husband removed his immediately- and seeing his hand without it, made me feel sick to my stomach.  Initially, I kept mine on for a month or two, unable to part with the significance of the promises I had made. But slowly, I began to see that it was a symbol of what was, rather than what is. I would have given anything to not face the truth, but my marriage was simply broken, and until that changed, my ring would remain packed away. 
     It's hard to face promises that aren't kept. When we make a promise, we should keep it, and I especially felt this was true regarding a marriage union. But the bottom line is, we can only control our end of keeping promises- the responsibility of the promises made by our spouse rests on them. When I slipped off my wedding ring, it wasn't because I forgot the promises I made, it was because he did. 
     I am so thankful for a Heavenly Father that always keeps His promises! He will never let us down, and we can always count on Him to follow through on His Word. I thought of that often, as I looked at my empty ring finger. While my husband forgot what he vowed on that hot summer day in 1993, Jesus won't ever forget me. If you are brokenhearted because someone let you down in a big way, allow the comfort of a faithful Savior to soothe your pain. Remind yourself of the promises He has made to you, and that He has good plans for you- even though your heart hurts today. Oh, how He loves us!

It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay. Ecclesiastes 5:5 ESV
God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it? Numbers 23:19 ESV
So that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. Hebrews 6:18 ESV
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, it hurts to have our hearts broken by empty promises; especially by our own spouse. Give me the help, courage, and strength for whatever is ahead, and give me wisdom to follow Your way for me. Open doors that should be open, and close doors that should be closed- and help me to honor whichever You choose for me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Home in Body

     One of my favorite times of the day, was when my husband walked in from work, and everyone was home. Our day time separation was over, and my heart just felt lighter when he was with me. When he left, there was a huge hole in my life- no one to come in the door at the end of the day, and share my evening with. Yes, I had my kids, but it's a different connection with a spouse. I missed him, and I missed the way things had been years before. 
     When we had our initial reconciliation, I felt excited. Someone would come home to me again, and someone would share life by my side. I would get a phone call around 5:00, and have a dinner companion by 6:00. Things felt good, but we weren't where I really wanted to be. We reconciled because it was the "right thing to do," and sometimes, that just isn't enough. What was missing was a firm foundation in Christ, and allowing Him to make us new. 
     And so we made a go of it, on our terms. He felt better by doing what was right, and I felt hopeful that in time, God would reach his heart. I prayed God would use me to draw him closer to Jesus, and made an initial effort in making this work. But as the days passed, it was obvious that without Him at the center of our marriage, it would not be the better marriage we had hoped for. And after only a short 6 weeks time, I already noticed a shift in his devotion to me.
     I knew it was happening again. The signs were all there. His phone became unavailable to my sight, and he withdrew. I would see him texting someone in a way where he would hide his phone from view, or he would lean back to text. His phone calls to me became short, so he had the rest of the commute home to talk to the one he really desired. He stopped texting me throughout his work day, and when I sent him messages, I would get one word answers. He avoided being home, and worked as much as possible to stay away from me. He became sarcastic and uncaring. And I realized that while I had my husband home in body, his spirit was elsewhere.
     Have you felt this? Living together, but worlds apart? Goodness, it stinks! And in those times, it is much more comfortable to not have them home, than to have them home against their wishes. I felt like a burden. I felt twice rejected, and unwanted. I felt resigned to a life without him, and was beginning to think that was our destiny. I chastised myself for allowing him to come back home as a man I wasn't satisfied with- a man living apart from God. I had never walked this journey, and felt having him home was better than having him somewhere else. But if God isn't at the center of it, it isn't time. What a painful lesson that was to learn.
     My story made me think of God. While He always knows my motives for returning to Him, He never turns me away. If I run, He pursues. I often return with a heart lacking enthusiasm, and yet He welcomes me, regardless of my heart. But He won't stop with me there- He will continue with me, until He not only captures my attention, but captures my heart. Oh God, forgive me for my wayward heart; a heart that has hurt You with my selfishness. Give me a heart devoted to Your ways, and Your Son! Help me to see myself through my husband's rejection, and return to You with abandon. Help me to serve You, not out of duty, but out of heart spilling over with love. And when I do, I will see my husband with Your eyes- lost, and in need of Your pursuit. 

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! Psalm 139:7-8 ESV
You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. Deuteronomy 6:5 ESV
This Jesus is the stone that was rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone. Acts 4:11 ESV
And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. Matthew 7:25 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to keep You at the center of my marriage, and all relationships. When anything else is substituted, I fail and struggle. Help me to see my own condition before You, when I see my wayward spouse. May my heart be turned to You, not by obligation, but by absolute devotion. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

I Don't Love you Anymore

     When love is new and exciting, you can't imagine a day you won't feel that way. You get that fluttery feeling in your stomach when they touch you. You can't wait to see them after even a short time apart. They are always in your mind, and you often can't focus well on anything but them. This is love. But it's only part of love, and not what we will experience every day with our spouse.
     Relationships grow, and we marry our love. Life settles in and the real life pressures begin to come back into our focus. We had been so busy with dating, and then wedding plans, that we weren't very focused on what else is going on around us. Work demands our focus. Responsibility piles up with owning a home, and paying bills. The grass keeps growing and it keeps needing cut. School loans mature. Pets that seemed cute to start our lives together with, have health issues, and require a lot more commitment and time than we anticipated. Sweet babies enter the scene, and our time alone together vanishes. Wife is busy with the kids, and husband is busy with his career. Tensions begin to escalate as we enter the full phase of family life. 
     It's interesting how different men and women are at our base level. Men are generally career and goal oriented, while women are more nurturing and loving by nature. How can two polar opposites function perfectly together? The truth is, they can't, and that is okay. God created us differently to compliment one another. But as we go along in life, we begin to see these differences as big problems that we are sure, others don't have. And we begin to doubt. 
     And one day, a very foolish thing comes across our minds- I don't love my spouse anymore. Some people process this in a more healthy way, and realize that we all feel "out of love" with our spouse from time to time. Others assume this is the end of a marriage, and call it quits. In our case, it led to an affair. Marriage kind of love is a choice- and not built on romantic love. There will be days I don't feel hopelessly in love with my spouse, and what I do with that is vital to a healthy marriage. While we need to put effort into maintaining our romantic love, we also need to remember our vow to love our spouse- regardless of my feelings and conditions.
     Love is from God- and He is the essence of love. He is the only One that will perfectly love us at all times. Sadly, we won't return the favor, because we are selfish in nature. Our marriages are to be patterned after Christ's love for us- without condition. If we truly love one another like He loves, we will be wise enough to stay in the fight for our marriages. I remember the promises I made to my husband almost 26 years ago, and I know this- love is a choice, and I choose to love him, even on the hardest of days, because this is the love God has shown to me.

With humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, Ephesians 4:2 ESV
"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. John 15:12 ESV
Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8 ESV
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me remember that love is a choice. I won't always feel romantic love for my spouse, but I will choose to love anyways. I thank You for the pattern of love You have shown us- a love full of grace and compassion. Your love has nothing to do with merit, and everything to do with choice. And so I will also choose to love Your way. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!