Relationships and Marriage 101

 Maybe you're dating, and everything about your girl or guy seems perfect. You can't think of one thing that you seriously don't just love about them. You wake in the morning and smile when you think of them. You fall asleep at night longing for the day you never have to be apart again. It's a match made in heaven, and you can't imagine ever being unhappy together.

Maybe you're engaged, and you've been together a little longer. Life has exposed a few flaws in the one you thought was perfect for you. Overall, they are still pretty great, but you can now pinpoint a few things about your love that irritate and upset you. "Am I making the biggest mistake of my life", you wonder, or is this just normal stuff?

And maybe you're married, and if you are, you've likely figured out by now that your wonderful spouse isn't perfect—sigh. They don't seem to know how to put away their clothes, and they get toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror. And even worse—they have moments where their temper flares or they are too busy to give you the proper attention you desperately crave. What in the world did I do? What did I see in this person, and how was I so blind?

The more vulnerable we become with someone, the more we begin to know the "real them". And oftentimes, this births in us the ridiculous notion that we must be the person responsible to change the things we don't like in our partner. "If only they were more _____, or why does he always have to _____?" Pointing our fingers elsewhere takes pressure off ourselves. It's easy to desire or demand change in our partner thinking this will resolve the issues in our relationship, but what does Scripture have to say about it?

Here is a pretty forthright portion of Scripture regarding this type of behavior: "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother,'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye (Matthew 7:3-5, ESV)." 

Essentially, this portion of Scripture reminds us to take care of our own junk before worrying about someone else's. It means that we attend to the shortcomings we have before even considering the flaws in our spouse. It requires me to take inventory of my own actions and behavior before looking outward. It may involve my own resolve to correct habits of messiness, moodiness, careless words when I'm hungry, or criticism. And only when I've succeeded in correcting them should I even begin to start pointing out the flaws of my husband. Long story short—I'll likely never get my act completely together to make it to that point. Why? Because I have too many issues of my own.

If you are looking for the perfect husband or wife, you're going to really be disappointed. You may find one that is well-suited for you and brings you happiness, but you'll never find one without their own laundry list of faults and failures. When we stop to think of how our marriages are a picture of how Jesus loves us, it gives us a better grasp of the reality of loving imperfect people. I am beyond thankful that Jesus love isn't conditional, because if it were, I would not qualify. Instead, He chooses to love us in spite of all our shortcomings and pours His grace over them instead. Because of this, how can I not do the same with my spouse?

If you're in a place of discontentment and feel the need to look around you for who can change to make your life better, stop! Replace this negative pattern with the resolve to correct your own issues. When we work on ourselves, the people we love respond to our progress, and oftentimes our behavior changes theirs for the better. We often throw around the phrase "loving like Jesus", and who better to begin with than our other half? This means you will love them in all of their messiness and shower them with grace and unconditional love. It means you won't point fingers and look for ways to control change or nag them—you'll start with yourself, and if you're anything like me, you have a lot of work to do. 

An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge (Proverbs 18:15, ESV).

To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness (Ephesians 4:22-24, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to be willing to take a good look at ourselves and see our own shortcomings and then make necessary changes. Help us not to be finger pointers, but to first acknowledge our own need for change. May we love the way You have taught us in Your perfect, grace-filled love for us. In Your name we pray, Amen!

The Power of Rest

 She lay in bed wide awake, her heart slamming in her chest. Her mind literally buzzed with activity. Should she even be in bed, she thought, with all the "yet-to-do" list she mentally tallied in her mind? Deadlines. Laundry. Family picture day with color coordinated clothes. Company coming for dinner. Re-painting the bathroom. A doctor's appointment for a long overdo mammogram. Getting packed for a quick getaway, and making lists for the house sitter. Getting her Sunday School lesson planned. The more she thought about it all, the more sleep eluded her. Why was she foolish enough to even think of sleeping when all of these responsibilities stretched before her? The more she thought, the shorter her breath felt. Was it a heart attack, or just anxiety? Would she even know if she were having a heart attack, or would she die because she ignored the signs, thinking it was just a panic attack?

                   "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden

                    and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28).

To some of you, this may sound ludicrous. Do sane people really think this way? The truth is, 18.9 % of Americans deal with anxiety every year. And nearly half of all Americans consider themselves to be modern-day workaholics. The average American worker works approximately 4 hours for free each week, and spends another 4 hours a week thinking and planning for work. Essentially, they are working an extra day a week without pay, and without much needed rest. Do you think the drive to overwork ourselves has an impact on anxiety and stress? I think that's a no-brainer there-absolutely! 

                   "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place

                    and rest a while (Mark 6:31)."

The best example of how to handle responsibilities and pressure is to look at Jesus. God the Father showed us the first example of the need for rest in Genesis when He created the Earth, and all living things. He worked for 6 days, but on the 7th day, God rested. He didn't spend that 7th day planning for the next day, or worrying about what He needed to do next. He didn't feel guilty about taking a day of rest, nor did He fill it up with social activities that led to further exhaustion-it simply said He rested. And we read of Jesus' real need of rest as well. From feeding thousands, to healing countless sick people, to answering the questions of those clever and trying to trap Him with His words, we can only imagine how tired and weary He often felt. Jesus was absolutely never lazy, but He did long for peace, rest, quiet and times of refreshment praying to the Father. Both God and His Son, Jesus, understood the importance and necessity of rest.

                 "My presence will go with you, and I will give you

                  rest (Exodus 33:14)."

We often boast about our many accomplishments and the work we do. We love to tell others how busy we are, and feel inadequate if we don't rattle off a list of waiting responsibilities. The busier we are, the more productive we feel others view us. But oftentimes, our busyness alienates us from God's true purpose in our lives-serving Him and serving others! If I'm too busy to hear His voice, then I'm too busy. If I'm working so much that I am not available to those with real needs, then I'm working too much. If I'm stressed and anxious, maybe I need to consider my workload. In the world, being a workaholic may have a ring to it that is acceptable, and even admired. But as a Christian, being a workaholic leaves little room for kingdom work-work that has eternal value and reward. 

                 "In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O

                  LORD, make me dwell in safety (Psalm 4:8)."

When we pour most of our lives into our careers, we are pouring short in areas that matter most:relationships and building up the kingdom of God. Have you been that person, laying in bed with a pounding heart as you contemplate your list of responsibilities? This isn't the way God has for us, and He, Himself, gave us the pattern of the need for rest and refreshment. No guilt. No shame. Just a real need to withdraw from our duties, and refresh our souls and bodies. May we follow the example He has set before us. And may we not pour most of our efforts into things that have no lasting value for eternity. Ask God today to help you better serve Him and re-evaluate your priorities, and when you do-be prepared for some much needed rest!

Dear Heavenly Father, forgive us for our constant pursuit of worldly gain in our careers and in our work, and for neglecting real rest. Our rest is necessary for our physical, emotional and spiritual health, and we often are unhealthy in these areas because we neglect rest. Help us follow the pattern set before us in scripture, and quiet our souls in sleep and fellowship with our Father. In Your name we pray, Amen!

I'm "Just" a Housewife

     "What do you do?", they ask. It always seems to come up in conversation with new people you meet. There are a few terms generally given for an answer- things like stay-at-home mom, homemaker or a housewife. But oh how I've learned how the word "just" doesn't belong in my answer- and it doesn't belong in yours either. Whatever you do, you do wholeheartedly for the Lord (Colossians 3:23). There is no room for "just" - especially when we are answering the call to work within our homes full-time. As I've journeyed through approximately 24 years of being at home, I've chalked up a pretty extensive repertoire of expertise. Now I don't claim to be perfect in what I do- far from it! But I've learned a lot along the way, and can honestly say that should my presence be permanently removed from my home, the impact would be huge. Often times, it's then that our efforts and work is most noticed and missed. I don't believe my husband or kids take me for granted, but I do think they are somewhat unaware of the responsibilities that fall on a wife and a mom. So today, my post is not only for my fellow housewives, but also for those who wonder what we do with all of our time.
     Our duties and tasks are many. We vacuum, dust, clean bathrooms, clean the kitchen, organize closets and cabinets. We wash and fold clothes. We shop for groceries and make sure everyone has their favorite foods available. We prepare nutritious meals for our families and are in tune with what people prefer. We often are responsible for doing the family books, and try to keep our budget in check, looking for ways to save money. We look for sales, coupons and other ways to reduce expenses. We buy family gifts. We plan birthday parties and other family celebrations. We raise our children- this also comes with a large laundry list of responsibilities. We are chaperones and taxi drivers. We volunteer at the school. We mold the minds of our children. We get our kids ready for school and church and pack the lunchboxes. We go on field trips. We are holiday hostesses. We open our doors to family and friends. We do a lot of the planning for vacations and make reservations for date nights. We entertain. We schedule appointments. We pick up cleaning or run to the bank. We put effort into our physical appearance. We are usually responsible for the family pets- their care, feeding, vet visits and potty breaks. We make our husband and kids feel loved and cared for. We send encouraging notes and always seem to be their biggest cheerleaders (because we are). We feed ourselves spiritually so that we are the best wife and mom that we can possibly be. And so much more- and yet we often feel like what we don't just isn't enough. And sometimes, we feel like we are "just a housewife!"
     Sweet sisters- we are answering a call for the ministry God has for us in our homes. Not all of us have the privilege of being able to do this, but for those of us who do, we are doing exactly what God has for us. We are changing lives. We are making a difference. We are building up treasure in heaven. We are a vital presence in the walls of our homes- transforming it from being simply a house, to being "home". A place where the people we love feel safe, valued, treasured, cared for, and so very loved. I appreciate women who are out there doing their thing in the work force, but man I hope we can see the tremendous gift of those who choose to remain in the home. Somedays, there will be those who look down on what we do. I'll never forget being talked about with distain for my "just staying-at-home" self by someone else. I can't tell you how hurtful those words were to hear, even though they could never understand my life or the way I live it. But I've had to remind myself that those were words spoken in jealousy and insecurity, and they are completely untrue. God has me where He wants me, and that is exactly where I need to be.
     If you ever struggle with feeling like you aren't enough- simply because you work inside your home, don't believe it for a minute. God values what we do. He sees our work and He knows our hearts. He has given us a big responsibility within the walls of our own homes. Let's do this work with passion, love and a commitment to those He has called us to serve. When we are serving our husbands and our children, we are also serving Christ. This is the work He has entrusted to us- serving these gifts of our dearest loved ones. Our presence gives great comfort to the ones we are caring for, all while storing up heavenly treasure. So, the next time you're asked what you do- stand up a little straighter and never use "just" when you tell of how you are doing the best job of all- changing the lives of the ones you love the most! 

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. Proverbs 31:10 (ESV)
And so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. Titus 2:4-5 (ESV)
She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. Proverbs 31:16 (ESV)

Dear heavenly Father, we thank You for the work You have given us to do within our homes. While not everyone has the blessing of doing what we do, we are thankful for this gift of serving those in our homes. Help us to do our work with a willing and loving heart, and to remember the value You see in what we are called to do. In Your name we pray, Amen!

     

Performance Based Commitment

     In our 21st century world, performance matters. The overachiever generally keeps their job. The better you perform, the happier your boss is, and your employer is better off because of your performance. The same is true of a student. If you put in the effort, your grades will reflect your effort. If you don't do your homework, don't study for tests, and rarely show up for class, you're setting yourself up for failure. 
     When we put in the work, we expect to benefit. That's the way of the American rat race- perform and achieve. We practice this in so many spheres of our lives that we forget that while performance is a legitimate goal in our relationships and marriages, it shouldn't be the indicator for commitment. That's not to say we throw in the towel and not bother in putting forth the effort to grow and cultivate it, but rather choosing to commit no matter how your spouse performs. This goes against the grain for us humans, as it is contrary to the worldly view of "getting what we deserve." We think if we put forth our best effort for our spouse, everything should go the way we deserve them to, and sometimes, that's just not the case.
     As Christians, our goal for our marriages should be grace- based commitment. This type of commitment is what God shows us. He looks at good works as empty, and doesn't throw us a reward for our good behavior. He also doesn't toss us aside when our behavior is sinful and ugly. He is 100% committed to us, regardless of how we perform. God's relationship with us is a picture of what a godly marriage should look like. 
     A christian marriage affected by infidelity can often shift, trying to "perform to keep". I know, because I've been there. We put pressure on ourselves to be more desirable in one way or another. This sprouts from feelings left over from insecurity and doubt, but are contrary to God's plan for us. Our thought pattern must change to view our marriage in a healthy light.
     As healing takes place, these feelings will fade with time, but in moments where we feel the need to perform to achieve a secure marriage, we need to step back and remember God's relationship with us. We are humans and we will mess up. Some days, I have better hair than others, and some days, my smile is a lot easier to find. I'll hurt feelings and blurt out stupid comments. And at the end of the day, just as God shows me grace when I poorly perform, my spouse should do the same. This isn't to say we don't need to apologize for missing the mark, but that our mess-up days won't change the commitment of our marriage partner. This is grace-based commitment- a commitment that says, "I'm here for you, even when you fall short!" 

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2:8-9 ESV
And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. John 1:16 ESV
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8 ESV
But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift. Ephesians 4:7 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to remember that we are committed to our spouse, regardless of performance. Our behavior from other spheres of life often gets us confused and we forget the standard is different within our marriages. Help me to shower grace on my spouse, and remember that some days will be better than others. Thank You for showing me grace when I fail, and I pray that I will show that same grace to others that fail me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

*** Physical or emotional abuse isn't to be ignored or glossed over- even in a Christian marriage. If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek professional help.

His Story- Back with No Change

     Back in August of last year, I returned home after several months of living with my sister. My time back home consisted of a couple months, and I know people have wondered why I came home, only to leave again. What motivated me to return, and why didn’t it last?

     My life is in North Carolina. The woman I was involved with was from Michigan, and nothing I knew or was involved with, other than her, was there. My family was in NC, my children were in NC, my work was in NC, my friends lived in NC, and I built a business in NC. My mind was torn, at the time, in where I really wanted to be and who I wanted to be with. I could see the hurt I was causing to those I loved here in my home state, and it bothered me immensely. But other times, I could avoid seeing those I loved, and I pushed it from my heart and mind.

     I was also deeply influenced, not only from my own selfishness, but also from the lies of Satan. I could hear his voice whispering words of doubt- telling me that it was too late to rebuild what I had destroyed, and that coming back would result in people looking down at me the rest of my life. But I would get windows of clarity, and see those lies for what they were. And so I returned home, believing I could make the necessary changes, and patch broken relationships. I felt that with effort, I could restore the spiritual brokenness I was experiencing, and while I should have known better, I was believing in my own capability to fix things, rather than recognizing that only God could restore what I had carelessly destroyed.

     And after returning home, it didn’t take long for me to see that I was not where I needed to be spiritually, to make things right. I received grace from others, but I couldn’t forgive myself. I would see those I knew were praying for me, and it amplified the feelings of guilt I already felt, and so I desired to remove myself from those feelings once again.

     It was my own foolishness that once again contacted the other woman, and felt I had been missing what we had together. And yet when I walked away from home, it only took a week for God to open my eyes to my situation, and the foolishness of my thought pattern. I want to warn any who are flirting with danger, when it comes to your marriage. No matter how far you’ve gone, it is never too late to turn around, and make things right with God. Whether you get the opportunity with your spouse, children or loved ones, that is secondary to making things right with God. Don’t listen to the lies of Satan, that it is too late for you. God is a God of grace and mercy, and we can never wander so far that He won’t pursue us and lead us back to Him. How grateful I am to this wonderful God I serve, and His compassion to His sinful people- a compassion I don’t deserve, yet He showered me with it.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Psalm 51:12 ESV

Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out, that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that he may send the Christ appointed for you, Jesus, whom heaven must receive until the time for restoring all the things about which God spoke by the mouth of his holy prophets long ago. Acts 3:19-21 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I don’t deserve Your grace or mercy, and yet You liberally shower me with it. Humans have a problem giving it to others, and yet You, a God that is Holy and just, give it to us- Your people. I thank You for it, not only today, but every day. Thank You for being a loving and gracious Father, In Your precious name I pray, Amen!