The Things that Got Better

 While it's true that somethings get worse with the passing of time, I'm thankful that some things get better. I can easily think of things that have gotten worse as I've grown up. For example, the change in social connection from the overuse of technology—there isn't anything like face-to-face interaction. Through written text, you miss the tone of the words spoken and the emotions of the person you're speaking to. In our era it's harder to develop communication skills that are vital to lasting, healthy relationships. 

My childhood days look so different from modern day childhood. We played outside until dark and were safe to ride our bikes a mile away and not have worried parents that we would be abducted or killed. Not that it never happened, but certainly less than today. We drank from water hoses, got spanked for misbehavior, and couldn't be contacted by our friends unless they phoned our home or rang the doorbell. It was a different world—one that was safer and in my opinion, a lot more fun. This is an area where change over the years was not for the greater good, and I think many would agree with that.

But I think back to thoughts from some Christians that were standard when I was younger that have changed for the better in many places around the globe. A "good" Christian was marked by their outward appearance much more than the state of their heart. Make-up was worldly. Women wearing pants raised eyebrows. Missing church for viable reasons was frowned upon. Jewelry—no! And on and on the list could go. So much of our christianity was placed on our physical appearance and not on spiritual transformation. Not that the inner heart won't spill over into our exterior, but too often being "godly" meant following a list of legalistic rules. Maybe you didn't grow up with this as the norm but many did.

While this is in no way excusing immodesty or irreverence, there is much to be said for turning away others by legalism (rules based on personal preferences). The true character of a Christian should be seen in how we communicate with others, compassionately seek to help and understand others, and lovingly share the gospel with those who are lost. It's displayed in the heart of one who seeks the good of others above themselves. It's in the acts of kindness toward strangers and loved ones alike. It's being the hands and feet of Jesus as we serve those we rub shoulders with. 

While I'm no longer a "young person", I find many of them refreshing these days. I see our own youth serving the Lord by reaching out to the younger kids in our community, teaching them about Jesus and showing a real care for them. I see them brushing away the "rules" of the past for something better—a heart willing to serve. I see them stepping up to help someone who needs encouragement, a babysitter, or help with a broken down car. I watch them and feel encouraged and hopeful that they are connecting with the call to be Christlike—loving and caring for the needs of others. And this does something to their outward appearance too—they exude joy. 

Some things do get worse with time, but I'm thankful for the things that get better. They give me hope and it warms my heart to see how all these centuries later, the Holy Spirit is still thriving in the hearts of many. Our world overall is certainly not improving and can discourage us when we see all that is happening around us, but God is still actively working and using His people to fulfill His purposes. May we place value on changed hearts over something less important. May we look closer than our outside judgments about another Christian and search instead for a changed life. And may we seek to have a heart like our Jesus and show kindness, grace and compassion to a hurting, sinful world. They need us, and they need God's love demonstrated through us and it should be our privilege to do just that.  

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast (Ephesians 2:8-9, ESV).

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path (Psalm 119:105, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to have gracious hearts that really see the hearts of others. May we push aside the temptation to pass judgment solely based on appearance, and may we ourselves have hearts that reflect Your light and love for others. May others identify us as Your children because of how we act. In Your name we pray, Amen.

 

Relationships and Marriage 101

 Maybe you're dating, and everything about your girl or guy seems perfect. You can't think of one thing that you seriously don't just love about them. You wake in the morning and smile when you think of them. You fall asleep at night longing for the day you never have to be apart again. It's a match made in heaven, and you can't imagine ever being unhappy together.

Maybe you're engaged, and you've been together a little longer. Life has exposed a few flaws in the one you thought was perfect for you. Overall, they are still pretty great, but you can now pinpoint a few things about your love that irritate and upset you. "Am I making the biggest mistake of my life", you wonder, or is this just normal stuff?

And maybe you're married, and if you are, you've likely figured out by now that your wonderful spouse isn't perfect—sigh. They don't seem to know how to put away their clothes, and they get toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror. And even worse—they have moments where their temper flares or they are too busy to give you the proper attention you desperately crave. What in the world did I do? What did I see in this person, and how was I so blind?

The more vulnerable we become with someone, the more we begin to know the "real them". And oftentimes, this births in us the ridiculous notion that we must be the person responsible to change the things we don't like in our partner. "If only they were more _____, or why does he always have to _____?" Pointing our fingers elsewhere takes pressure off ourselves. It's easy to desire or demand change in our partner thinking this will resolve the issues in our relationship, but what does Scripture have to say about it?

Here is a pretty forthright portion of Scripture regarding this type of behavior: "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother,'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye (Matthew 7:3-5, ESV)." 

Essentially, this portion of Scripture reminds us to take care of our own junk before worrying about someone else's. It means that we attend to the shortcomings we have before even considering the flaws in our spouse. It requires me to take inventory of my own actions and behavior before looking outward. It may involve my own resolve to correct habits of messiness, moodiness, careless words when I'm hungry, or criticism. And only when I've succeeded in correcting them should I even begin to start pointing out the flaws of my husband. Long story short—I'll likely never get my act completely together to make it to that point. Why? Because I have too many issues of my own.

If you are looking for the perfect husband or wife, you're going to really be disappointed. You may find one that is well-suited for you and brings you happiness, but you'll never find one without their own laundry list of faults and failures. When we stop to think of how our marriages are a picture of how Jesus loves us, it gives us a better grasp of the reality of loving imperfect people. I am beyond thankful that Jesus love isn't conditional, because if it were, I would not qualify. Instead, He chooses to love us in spite of all our shortcomings and pours His grace over them instead. Because of this, how can I not do the same with my spouse?

If you're in a place of discontentment and feel the need to look around you for who can change to make your life better, stop! Replace this negative pattern with the resolve to correct your own issues. When we work on ourselves, the people we love respond to our progress, and oftentimes our behavior changes theirs for the better. We often throw around the phrase "loving like Jesus", and who better to begin with than our other half? This means you will love them in all of their messiness and shower them with grace and unconditional love. It means you won't point fingers and look for ways to control change or nag them—you'll start with yourself, and if you're anything like me, you have a lot of work to do. 

An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge (Proverbs 18:15, ESV).

To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness (Ephesians 4:22-24, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to be willing to take a good look at ourselves and see our own shortcomings and then make necessary changes. Help us not to be finger pointers, but to first acknowledge our own need for change. May we love the way You have taught us in Your perfect, grace-filled love for us. In Your name we pray, Amen!

Neglecting to do What's Right

My personal readings lately have been convicting me of a biblical truth I have often neglected. In an easy to understand message, and yet often overlooked, James reminds us of this very simple truth: "So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin (James 4:17, ESV)." It isn't complicated. It's not a mysterious statement. It's a very straight forward declaration, and one that I often fail to practice in my own life. Because it isn't about me not understanding, nearly as much as it is about my willingness to obey what I already know.

Can you relate? Have you been there many more times than you'd care to remember? You see, the Bible isn't an out-of-date, antiquated set of rules that were for another time and place-it's as relevant today as it was the day it was written. Yet we often want to argue away our sin, because it makes us vulnerable and accountable before a holy God. Misusing company time? Overspending because we covet? Wanting what isn't mine to take? Sex before marriage? "That's so anti-2020", many would say. Shouldn't we try out our partner before we commit to them for the rest of our lives? Shouldn't we make sure there is good chemistry between us? All it takes is a few simple biblical references, to know what God thinks about this vein of thinking-it's sin and knowing what His Word says, yet refusing to obey, makes us guilty and in need of repentance. 

We are a people who embrace a God of grace. A God who forgives us and showers us with His mercy is well within our comfort zone. We love this aspect of God, and prefer thinking of Him in light of His grace and mercy-who wouldn't? And while it really is a big part of who He is, there is much more to Him. By His grace my sin is washed away. His mercy and love moved Him to redeem me through His sacrifice on the cross. But I can't only be a taker of what Jesus has done without giving something back-unless my love is shallow and my heart lacks true gratitude. When it does, I will find myself living with a lack of obedience to the Word of God, and His Spirit within me. 

Here are some less obvious ways James 4:17 may be applied in my life. These may be a little more relatable. I see someone in need and turn my head, knowing someone else will come along to help. I stand in a group of gossipers, and instead of speaking up in defense of the person being discussed, I remain quiet and possibly even join in. I can't afford to buy a pair of expensive shoes, so I charge them because I refuse to deny myself this luxury. I make promises to pray for a struggling sister, then never give it another moment's thought. These are real life, every day examples of disobedience to this scripture passage, and with each, we would be guilty before God. It may not seem like a big deal, but each time we don't do what we know in our hearts is right-we sin. 

The best way to become more aware of this sin pattern, is to give greater thought to our actions. As we discipline ourselves to pay attention, a new habit will be established-a habit that reminds us to do what we know is right. Sometimes, this will require me to re-arrange my schedule. Sometimes, I may have to stop my online window shopping. At times, I may have to either walk away, or speak up-even though it makes me uncomfortable. Acting the way we know we should will require sacrifice. It won't usually be easy, and sometimes the cost will be greater than I anticipated. I can candidly say I wrestle in this area, and often come up short. I write this to my own heart, just as I share it with yours. May each of us put the truth of this verse deep into our hearts and our minds. Starting today, pay greater attention to the choices you make, and ask yourself if they line up with God's Word. When they don't, may God open our eyes and our hearts to making the choice to do what is right-even when we don't really want to. 

Dear Heavenly Father, touch our hearts with this truth written in James many years ago. My flesh wars against doing what is right so often, and I find myself giving in, resulting in sin and creating distance from You, Father. Help me to pay more attention to what I do, and to make the choice to do what is right-not what I want to do. In Your name we pray, Amen!

Forcing Penance Payment

     Exactly one month ago today, she had allowed a distraction to interfere with her driving. A crying baby in the backseat shifted her focus for one second- one little second, and it resulted in a costly car accident. Thankfully, she and the baby were both perfectly okay. However, their new family SUV had suffered moderate damage, putting them out a few thousand dollars and the inconvenience of being down a vehicle while it was being repaired. She gave an honest tear-filled apology, and a promise to pay more attention in the future. It was over- and it was the best she could do.
     As the weeks passed, he dropped comments. Things like "money wouldn't be as tight right now if you hadn't had that accident." And "be careful today and try to stay focused while you drive." He asked her for favors after reminding her of her mistake. He mentioned it around a co-worker, and he teased her about her driving skills. And every single action and word revealed a simple truth- he really hadn't forgiven her. Real forgiveness doesn't look like that. Because of her mistake, he was making her pay penance, and it really stunk. 
     I wish I could say this was rare in relationships, but it's not. We tease. We bring up the past. We remind. We lecture. And each of these behaviors shows an unwillingness to truly forgive. Forgiveness that requires penance isn't real. And it reveals something else about us too- pride in self and insecurity. Some do this on some pretty obvious levels, and some do it less conspicuously. I've been guilty myself, of using a moment of confession as an opportunity to get my way. And when we think of how a marriage is to resemble a picture of Jesus and His church (all Christians), it makes us shrink back in shame. Because penance is the very opposite of what Jesus requires from us. 
     My mind goes back to my childhood, and a trip we took to Mexico City. As a young girl, I was stunned to see an older man crawling on the street toward the huge, ornate church building. He had pulled up his pant legs to allow the hot, cement pavement to burn and shred away the skin on his knees. I remembering just staring, feeling sad and asking my parents why he was doing this. I learned he was paying "penance" for his sin- hoping with this painful sacrifice, that he would receive forgiveness. And yet 2,000 years ago, the price for our sin was put away through the painful, substitutionary action of our Savior- Jesus. He paid for our sins with His own body on the cross, so that we would never have to pay the price for them. His gospel says this: "no penance required" on our part. 
     In light of His gift to us, it's so wrong that we often feel others owe us for their past mistakes. We feel they should be indebted, and are tempted to bring up their past behavior. Friends- God never does this with His own. He doesn't withhold love from us, simply because we sin against Him. My own life should mirror this same principle, when faced with hurtful actions of others. If they apologize (and even if they don't), no penance is required from them. And nothing on my end should make them feel they owe me for what they did in the past. If you're flinging up dirt from the past- especially in your marriage, can I encourage you to stop? If you truly have forgiven them- an action mirroring God's grace to us, then leave it in the past. Don't bring it up. Even when you really want to. Because when we can give them freedom for their mistakes, we find that we are a little bit more like Jesus- and that's the real goal. 

For by grace you have been saved, through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2:9 (ESV)
For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more." Hebrews 8:12 (ESV)
"I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins. Isaiah 43:25 (ESV)
"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Matthew 5:7 (ESV)

Dear heavenly Father, it's so easy for us to hold grudges, and to bring up the sins of others. We feel entitled because they have wronged us, and we remind them of the debt they owe us. Jesus- this behavior is completely unlike Yours. Help us to change our ways, and truly forgive and let it go. In Your name we pray, Amen!

Hester's Shame

     Perhaps one of my favorite required novels to study in high school, was the infamous Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. The tale is sordid and a real page turner- drawing in the reader for more. I fell in love with Hester Prynne, even as the fictional community in which she lived, destained her. After the assumed death of her husband, and a moment of vulnerability, she had an affair with Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale, resulting in her pregnancy, and birth of their daughter, Pearl. At this time in history, it was extremely uncommon for someone to have a child out of wedlock, and so her shame was a real, tangible thing.
     The basis of this novel is that Hester protects the Reverend from being exposed, and bears the sole public shame of her condition. As a result, she is forced to wear a scarlet "A" on her clothing, revealing her identity as an adulterer. Reverend Dimmesdale goes on with his life- free from the public humility of what he had done. He isn't exposed. He doesn't carry the burden. Hester does. I remember thinking, as a young teenager of how unfair this was- and it truly was unfair. This is a sin of two- not one, yet she paid the price alone.
     I don't think any of us are walking around with physical letters emblazoned on our chests, spilling the details of our sinful history. For this, I thank God! For if this were required, none of us would be without our own various letter jackets, full of multiple offenses. And yet, we often carry the burden of our past within our very souls. We refuse to release ourselves from the identity of our crimes, even though as Christians, God has erased them. And I think if we look a little deeper, we will see that we carry these burdens, because we often, in like manner, assign past offenses to others.
     Let's think a minute about some people that will give you further insight to what I mean : Michael Vick. Monica Lewinsky. Anthony Weiner. Tonya Harding. Paula Deen. Lindsay Lohan. Tiger Woods. Chris Brown. Lance Armstrong. Charlie Sheen. Now this is a short list, but if your mind went to doping, dog fighting, prejudice, sex scandals or violence, you understand the correlation between how we think of others- often, by the very thing they did wrong. These people may not wear badges displaying their dishonor, but we assign them anyway. Honestly, when I think of how I'm guilty of this, I'm ashamed.
     What unwelcome sins do you carry around from your own past? Do they negatively impact your identity? Do you believe them louder than what God says about you? We have this ugly part of our human tendency to hold onto our shame- and to remember the shame of others. This is not a habit easily tossed aside, and will take consistent effort to abolish from our mindset. The blood of Jesus has freed us from our sins- it washes us whiter than snow! Can I encourage you, dear sister or brother, to refuse to carry around the sins that Jesus already forgave? And can I also encourage you to release others from carrying their past burdens?
     I love how Christ Jesus has given us new life, and a new identity. Even sins we have committed as His children- they are covered by His blood! You are an heir to His heavenly kingdom. We are His sons and daughters. He has released us from the chains and bondage of sin- we are to live as free! Friends- let's eradicate the letters we choose to carry, and embrace His wonderful gift of grace. And let's not stop there- let's shower that same grace on others, refusing to see them as anything less than forgiven. We have kingdom work to do, and we can best do it when we believe we are who God says we are- forgiven!

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14 (ESV)
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV)
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, we are so grateful for your gracious gift of forgiveness. You are so loving and kind, and we thank You for Your grace. And yet, Father, we often hold onto our sin- assigning it to our identity. Help us to abandon this unhealthy spiritual habit, and to fully embrace our identity as Your children- free and forgiven! In Your name, we pray, Amen!

Staying Power

     One summer, on the way back from a seven day cruise, my sister's family and ours decided we didn't want our summer vacation to be over, so we made a detour to Jekyll Island. We had passed signs for the island many times, and thought it could be a fun place to crash an extra day or two. The internet picture of the place we chose to stay, looked wonderful. With excited kids, and happy adults, we made the exit to our extended stay. Upon arrival to the actual island, we started to feel a little skeptical. But when we pulled into our hotel, things slowly got stranger and stranger. You know how you get a weird vibe sometimes? Well, that was the case here in Jekyll Island. From the biting flies, the rocky beach, and the really strange hotel, we decided to leave. It wasn't what we had hoped for, and so we packed up our stuff, our kids, and hit the road for a Hampton Inn. Not what we planned, and certainly not fancy, but we just didn't want to stay in Jekyll.
     Relationships can be a lot like this. We have high hopes as we head into it, and then feel disappointed when we realize it isn't what we thought it would be. She wasn't as fun and carefree, and he wasn't as structured or driven. He wasn't a saver, and she wasn't an optimist. She wasn't as skinny, and he wasn't as stylish. The truth is, we all put on our best front in the beginning, but it's just that- a front. Inside, we are all broken, and we all have our share of struggles. Our world would tell us to move on, to find someone else, to get a divorce. But most often, the answer won't be there either. A new relationship or marriage will have its own set of challenges, and you'll be faced with the same decision: go, or stay.
     Now let's be clear from the beginning: I am not condoning a person to stay in an abusive marriage or relationship of any nature. There are some character traits that will need change in order to safely remain. These circumstances are not the point of my blog post today. What I am talking about, is the ability to recognize our tendencies to run when things don't go the way we planned. Some marriages will face some pretty big obstacles: the death of a family member, infidelity, addiction, mental health issues, a serious illness, financial struggles, and many others. What will you do when your marriage faces a crisis? Many times, we feel it's easier to run, than to face the situation we find ourselves in. I want to encourage any who are feeling this way today to simply reconsider. 
     Relationships are hard, and there's no getting around that truth. The only perfect Person to have walked this earth was Jesus- all the rest of us are simply going to mess up. Satan will try to convince us there is someone better suited for us. He will try to make you believe you deserve something better. But at the very core of christianity, is the story of grace. Undeserved grace. Something we receive each day from God's heart, and not a one of us deserves it. If Jesus was our earthly example of how to love, then we will choose to love, even when it's hard. And just as He always is with us and promises not to leave, so we should do the same with our spouse. You can leave- but you'll soon discover the flaws in the next person you choose to love.
     Marriage vows are serious promises. They are much more serious than a side trip to Jekyll Island. Somedays, staying is hard. Somedays, you'll almost listen to the lies that there is a better plan for you. There is joy in choosing grace in face of our spouse's shortcomings and failures. Encourage good change in their lives when it's needed, and recognize that you're also often in need of change yourself. Decide to fight for one another, and not against each other. You can overcome the obstacles that stand in the way of your marriage with whatever tools are necessary to achieve victory. God will fight for your marriage along with you. Leaving isn't the answer- by God's grace, choose to stay. Stay when it's easy, and stay when it's hard. Learn to love like Jesus- without conditions. Loving this way will always have a cost, but it will also reap benefits beyond what you see in this moment. Ask God today for the power to stay, and watch what He will do for you!

So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6 (ESV)
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 (ESV)
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 (ESV)


Dear heavenly Father, help me to be characterized by forgiveness and steadfastness. Help my marriage be one that honors You. We thank You for the example of love that You've shown us in Your Son. Help us to mirror that kind of love in our marriages. In Your name we pray, Amen!

Forgive and Forget?

        I have a long trail of transgressions behind me that I simply don't remember- they were trivial in nature, and with 49 years of living and forgiving, who could recall them all? I've forgiven lies, backstabbing, gossip, fist fights (siblings only), and hurt feelings. I've given no less than I've received when it comes to hurting others. And while many of them are long forgotten, plenty of them are still fresh in my mind. 
     For all of you that love me, and know me well, I hope you still do when I tell you a story from my childhood. I was number two in a sibling pack of four. At any moment in time, any of us could be the one the others turned on, and I well remember a few times we turned on our littlest- my youngest brother, Daniel. We sound pretty uncivilized when I say we occasionally "dog piled our brother." Maybe it was because he screeched the loudest, and Mom always got after us when he did (and might I add he would smile at us behind her back when we did get it). But I recall my older sister, my other brother, and I waiting for him to come downstairs where we "jumped" him. My idea was to rub a nylon hairbrush on his arm, which I'm sure, felt awful! Just to clarify a little, we were all very young, and he didn't bleed. But in this moment, I needed forgiveness, but I didn't forget what I did all these years later, and maybe he hasn't either. 
     The thing is, we all have hurt others- and especially those we love the most. And while we may forgive them, we often can't forget the hurtful words or actions. They are locked away in our memory because they were painful enough to remember. Infidelity is like that. While we can forgive and move on, we don't forget what we came through, and how it changed us. Forgiving means we no longer hold the offense against the one that hurt us, but to forget doesn't seem possible when the hurt goes that deep. And I think it's important not to forget the valuable lessons we learned through our own journey, while forgetting the offense. The lessons learned help guard us in our "today moments", and helped strengthen our marriage and our relationships with one another and our Lord. I'm truly thankful for the lessons God taught us through our own story, and am certain He will use them for good. Yes, we forgave, but we also remember.
     That's what makes us so unlike God. When you think about it, every sin committed in all of history, is against Him. The hairbrush rubbing, the affair, the fighting, the lying, the hurting- every one is against Him. Should my sins be tallied up, I would cringe in embarrassment at how awful I really am. But on the cross, many years ago, my sins were washed away with the holy, precious blood of Jesus- forgiven forever! And not only did Jesus forgive my sins, but He chooses not to recall them. He doesn't assign my sins to me anymore, labeling me by them- which is such an amazing gift. While we look on others and remember the hurtful words or actions they did to us, He chooses not to do that. When we think of how God does this for us, I feel shame for what I choose to remember. While it's wise to remember the lessons learned from past hurts, it's grace that allows me to let go of the offense, and never again place that label on the offender. "God help me in all ways, to be more like You."

"I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins. Isaiah 43:25 ESV
Then he adds, "I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more." Hebrews 10:17 ESV
For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more." Hebrews 8:12 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I often don't realize just how far I fall short of being an example of Your Son, Jesus. Help me, Father, to not only forgive, but to forget the offense, while remembering the lessons learned from it. Help me to never assign labels to others that are human, just like me. We all sin because we are not perfect or holy. Help me to love others and forgive the way You do, Lord. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen!


     

Clean Feet

     Nothing stings quite like betrayal- especially when it comes from your spouse. It's painful and unexpected, yet it happens more frequently than we'd like to think. Forgiving betrayal isn't easy, and takes working through a complicated process of emotions. Some never get past it, while others are able to with time. Jesus was no stranger to betrayal, and He understands our feelings and emotions as we face our own Judas's. The marked difference in how I face being betrayed, is my own sin throughout the process, and my failure to see myself as a Judas to Jesus in my own ways. 
     In my personal Bible reading, I've read a lot about Judas lately, as we walked through the story of Jesus being crucified and raising Himself back to life. I love how we can read scripture over and over again, and yet new things grab you each time. A particular scene caught my attention- one of Jesus washing His disciples feet in the Upper Room before the Passover Meal. He removed his garment and wrapped a towel around His waist, and got to work. He didn't exclude Peter- knowing Peter would deny Him those three times. And He didn't exclude Judas- even though He knew his betrayal would be the catalyst allowed to lead to His own death. And I have no doubt, had I been there, that He would have included me- dirty with my own sin.
     I wonder about Judas, and the thoughts following his betrayal of Jesus. I don't really believe that Judas didn't notice Jesus was different- special even. But I do believe that money mattered more to him in the end. Maybe he was tired of living a simple life without riches and the comforts of the world, as was the way of Jesus and His disciples. He wanted something more, and money seemed to be the answer for him. But I also wonder if he ever looked down at his feet, clean from the careful cleansing of the Master, and felt shame. Did his mind go back to Jesus washing his feet and being told that he wasn't clean, because Jesus knew his traitorous heart? And did he remember Jesus calling him "Friend", when he kissed Him to signify to those seeking to capture Him that He was the One they sought?
     The ways of Jesus should always be the pattern I follow in my own life. Judas deserved harsh treatment from Jesus in our way of thinking- but He asks us to reconsider our thirst for retaliation and justice and do something ultimately harder, though much better. As Christians, we are asked to mirror the grace of Jesus in our own life choices and behavior. While an extramarital affair is a painful situation, it would be worse to have my husband hatch up a plan that led to my death- and even in something of this magnitude, Jesus loved Judas. If you're walking through life with feelings of bitterness and anger over your own betrayal, allow me to suggest the freedom we find in letting it go. We may or may not get the remorse and apology we so desire, but we do have the ability, through Him, to forgive without them. We can see the heart of Jesus more clearly when we allow ourselves to picture washing our own betrayer's feet with love and compassion, knowing what they would do to us. Living like Jesus isn't easy, but to hear Him say of us in a coming day, "well done, My faithful servant" will make it worth all the sacrifice. How will you love your Judas? Are you willing to love them like Jesus? It will be hard, but it'll be rewarded in a coming day, and His reward is always worth it. 

But Jesus said to him, "Judas, would you betray the Son of Man with a kiss?" Luke 22:48 ESV
For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15 ESV
After saying these things, Jesus was troubled in his spirit, and testified, "Truly, truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me." John 13:21 ESV
And when they heard it, they were glad and promised to give him money. And he sought an opportunity to betray him. Mark 14:11 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to love and forgive others like You do. When I am heartbroken and angry from the sting of betrayal, may I extend grace- even then. May I remember that on my best days, I'm still no better than a Judas- guilty and dirty from my own sin and failures. Father, help me to serve others like You taught us, by washing the feet of Your disciples. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen! 

Performance Based Commitment

     In our 21st century world, performance matters. The overachiever generally keeps their job. The better you perform, the happier your boss is, and your employer is better off because of your performance. The same is true of a student. If you put in the effort, your grades will reflect your effort. If you don't do your homework, don't study for tests, and rarely show up for class, you're setting yourself up for failure. 
     When we put in the work, we expect to benefit. That's the way of the American rat race- perform and achieve. We practice this in so many spheres of our lives that we forget that while performance is a legitimate goal in our relationships and marriages, it shouldn't be the indicator for commitment. That's not to say we throw in the towel and not bother in putting forth the effort to grow and cultivate it, but rather choosing to commit no matter how your spouse performs. This goes against the grain for us humans, as it is contrary to the worldly view of "getting what we deserve." We think if we put forth our best effort for our spouse, everything should go the way we deserve them to, and sometimes, that's just not the case.
     As Christians, our goal for our marriages should be grace- based commitment. This type of commitment is what God shows us. He looks at good works as empty, and doesn't throw us a reward for our good behavior. He also doesn't toss us aside when our behavior is sinful and ugly. He is 100% committed to us, regardless of how we perform. God's relationship with us is a picture of what a godly marriage should look like. 
     A christian marriage affected by infidelity can often shift, trying to "perform to keep". I know, because I've been there. We put pressure on ourselves to be more desirable in one way or another. This sprouts from feelings left over from insecurity and doubt, but are contrary to God's plan for us. Our thought pattern must change to view our marriage in a healthy light.
     As healing takes place, these feelings will fade with time, but in moments where we feel the need to perform to achieve a secure marriage, we need to step back and remember God's relationship with us. We are humans and we will mess up. Some days, I have better hair than others, and some days, my smile is a lot easier to find. I'll hurt feelings and blurt out stupid comments. And at the end of the day, just as God shows me grace when I poorly perform, my spouse should do the same. This isn't to say we don't need to apologize for missing the mark, but that our mess-up days won't change the commitment of our marriage partner. This is grace-based commitment- a commitment that says, "I'm here for you, even when you fall short!" 

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2:8-9 ESV
And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. John 1:16 ESV
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8 ESV
But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift. Ephesians 4:7 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to remember that we are committed to our spouse, regardless of performance. Our behavior from other spheres of life often gets us confused and we forget the standard is different within our marriages. Help me to shower grace on my spouse, and remember that some days will be better than others. Thank You for showing me grace when I fail, and I pray that I will show that same grace to others that fail me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

*** Physical or emotional abuse isn't to be ignored or glossed over- even in a Christian marriage. If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek professional help.

Making Amends

     When a relationship has been wounded, making amends is imperative in restoring it again. When it comes to infidelity, many more people are hurt than just the betrayed spouse. There are kids, family members and friends to consider. Making amends is humbling, and sometimes very difficult to do. And in the case of my husband, he put in the work and effort to do his part in this, without any prompting from me! This went a long way to prove that he was serious about putting our problems behind us, and working toward rebuilding what we had lost.
     Our family members and friends could immediately see the difference in his sincerity. Again, being broken stripped away the pride that held him back prior to God's work in his heart. He reached out in person, in email and in text. I cannot tell how you much this meant to me, personally. We shared so many close, personal relationships with so many, and making things right was so important to clear the air and start fresh.
     The flip side was all about grace. People could choose to hold it against him, but as Christians, God only gives us the choice He chose to offer us- grace upon grace! No matter what has been done against us, even without an apology (that's tough, I know!), God says we are to offer grace. And in light of our own sin against God, no deed done against us is too big for us to forgive. If you are struggling to forgive someone who has hurt you, look to the example of Jesus for your answer. While we are fallible as humans, we are to strive for the example God left for us through His Son, Jesus Christ. Hold out your hand to the one who has hurt you. Send a text of apology for withholding grace. Give a hug to the person who has wronged you. And even if they don't offer the apology and love you want, God will honor you for your heartfelt attempt at making things right.
     And so bridges are being made and rebuilt in our family and friend relationships. The awkwardness is melting away. I am happy to say that those who loved him before, love him still. Our family is slowly returning to a place of love, peace and acceptance. It takes time to rebuild, but the process is so worthwhile. To see our loved ones building bridges warms my heart and soul. This is the way of Jesus- our own precious Bridge to the Father. Is there someone you can take the first step toward, someone who needs the bridge rebuilt? Let go of past hurts and struggles, and step out in faith, knowing God Himself is rooting for you! That, in itself, is worth taking the first step for! 

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16 ESV
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 ESV
Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no "root of bitterness" springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; Hebrews 12:14-15 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for relationships, and how special they are to us. And yet when we are hurt by them, we often refuse to show grace. We know You are a God of grace and our behavior should mimic Yours. Help us, even when it's hard, to let go of pride and extend our hands to the ones who hurt us. When we do this, we not only build a bridge, but we also bring You joy. We thank You for being our own Bridge to God the Father, and for the the cost involved in offering Yourself in that way. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Broken

     I've heard it said of others, and often wondered exactly what it looked like when someone was "broken". Yes, in many ways, that can be said of us when we come to the point of accepting salvation from our Heavenly Father. But what about after that, when we fall and find ourselves deeply entrenched in sin? How long will God allow us to stay there, and what will it look like when we come to the breaking point? Will it be obvious? Will others notice the change?
     When my husband fell to adultery, I prayed countless times throughout every day that God would break him and change his heart. And a few times along the way, I thought maybe He had, but let me tell you- when it happens, it's so obvious! The end result of those days where God convicted and changed the heart of my husband ended in brokenness. It wasn't subtle. It wasn't vague- no, it was a complete change of heart, and a change with God's name stamped all over it. In short, it was nothing less than a miracle!
     When my husband was involved in the affair, his eyes had a hardness to them I had never seen before. But when I saw my husband after he was broken, his eyes were full of peace. The hard edge to his face was replaced by a softer, kinder look. And the moment I saw him, we fell into each other's arms with many tears of sorrow for what we had been through, and joy with for what God had done to bring us to this place. The absolute reality was this - he was forever changed, just as he stated in his deliverance story! That evening will forever be one of my most treasured memories.
     If you are a child of God and living in a lifestyle of sin, God won't leave you alone. You may not hear Him for stretches of time because you choose to drown out His voice, but He will relentlessly pursue His wayward children. I knew God would not give up on him, even though at times, my faith wavered. I prayed desperately for a changed heart- a heart that remembered Who God is, and a desire for lovingly serving Him. Because when we make God our priority, and read His Word, we will find our other relationships fall into a better place. 
     I will forever be grateful to the Lord for breaking my husband! While it was the most difficult trial we have faced to date, I have faith that God will use us in sharing our story with the world! Our story is a story that speaks of God's redemption. We pray it will point others to our Source of strength and hope, Jesus Christ- the Author of forgiveness, hope, and abundant grace!

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalm 51:17 ESV
For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: "I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite. Isaiah 57:15 ESV
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for relentlessly pursuing us when we wander from Your way and will for us. I praise You for the work You have done in our marriage, and for breaking our will when it opposes Yours. Your grace and mercy are gifts we often take for granted, and yet when we see them demonstrated in this way, they are precious gifts to us, dear Lord. We love You for Who You are, and for what You are doing, and for giving Your life for ours. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Part Four- His Deliverance ( told by him)

** Continued from the previous 3 days... don't miss those!

     Later that same evening, I went to grab some dinner and for the first time in forever, I sat alone and not one person bothered to talk to me, yet I was in perfect peace. God had, in a miraculous way, moved in my heart and helped me latch on to His wonderful offering of grace. I couldn't live without it, nor could I take one more step without just accepting God had forgiven me, and the weight of sin was gone. The chains that had held me captive for far too long were broken. Not only had God forgiven me, but I was able to rest and claim that forgiveness for myself. 

     I spent that evening back at my sister's sitting alone watching YouTube videos of gospel artists singing the wonderful message of forgiveness. I let them pour into my soul like water on dry, barren ground. I didn't find out until later, that there were quite a few prayer warriors fighting for me that day. I will be forever grateful for the prayers of those that sought to bring me back to the light and love of my Savior. 

     What I witnessed over those couple days will forever impact my life. It gave me a new opportunity with my life and my marriage that would otherwise have been over. That God would lead my wife to write a blog about what had happened, and that He would lead me to read it and be convicted in such a way that it would redirect my steps, is something only God could do! The path, though hard, will never be the same because I have chosen to walk so much closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. 

     My daily prayer is this: "Jesus, I need you in every moment of my day, please help me stay close to You, and in everything I do, let me be reminded that You are with me in every step. Thank You, God, for allowing me to see my sin, and for working a miracle in my life to bring me to a place where You could move and heal. I love You for what You have done to secure my soul eternally, for what You are currently doing to make me more like You, and for the fresh appreciation I have been given of Your grace towards me. Amen!" There will be many small steps of building trust, respect, and healing back into relationships I had carelessly tossed to the side. One verse stands out to me though, when I think of what is ahead : I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). 

     I have included the verses of a hymn that is very special to me. The words that touch me so deeply are these: "wonderful grace of Jesus, greater than all my sin...broader than the scope of my transgressions, greater far than all my sin and shame, O magnify the precious name of Jesus, praise His name!

Wonderful grace of Jesus

Greater than all my sin

How shall my tongue describe it?

Where shall its praise begin?

Taking away my burden, setting my spirit free

For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

Chorus:

Wonderful the matchless grace of Jesus

Deeper than the mighty rolling sea

Higher than the mountain

sparkling like a fountain

All sufficient grace for even me

Broader than the scope of my transgressions

Greater far than all my sin and shame

O Magnify the precious name of Jesus

Praise His name!

Wonderful grace of Jesus

Reaching to all the lost

By it I have been pardoned

Saved to the uttermost

Chains have been torn asunder, giving me liberty

For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

Wonderful grace of Jesus

Reaching the most defiled

By its transforming power

Making him God's dear child

Purchasing peace and Heaven for all eternity

For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

                

Hymn by Haldor Lillenas , 1918

Warning Label

     What if God gave us warning labels ahead of our sin, to help us more clearly see the disastrous result of our poor choices? Do you think we would proceed with what we wanted to do if we had a clearer picture of what our choice would cost? I think we may look at our sin differently, but I also think we get stuck in a selfish pattern of wanting what we want, regardless of what God has to say about it. This past summer, I wrote an article through a counseling exercise regarding a warning label for my husband's infidelity. I wanted to share a little of it, even though we find it painful to read now:

"You will feel disappointed with things as you get to be middle-aged. Did I do all the things I wanted to do before I was old? You’ll feel like you missed out on things you deserved and you’ll begin forgetting about Me, and about her. You’ll believe you are an exception to the rule and will be able to handle some harmless flirtation. The other guys do it, why can’t you? Who will know, and who would find out? You’ll stuff down My voice and My Word will get dog hair and dust on the cover. Flirtation will turn a little more serious, and you’ll ignore My warnings. You’ll lie to your wife and the people you love and care about. You’ll call her on your way home from work each day and build a relationship you have no business building. You’ll build all around your lust, and your family I blessed you with will fall like shattered glass. You will fail them. You won’t be there for them the way they always thought you would be. You’ll tell them lies about where you are and what you are doing and you’ll try not to hear Me.  You were once respected by all who knew you, but your lustful choices will bring you down. You are broken and weak and you still won’t listen to My voice. You will walk away from your family and leave your wife and children feeling vulnerable. You will destroy what was, with your selfish ways and insensitivity, but your focus is on yourself now. I warned you from the start that you had no business going down this path, but you didn’t listen to Me. You wanted your way. You can turn back and make things right, but you must love Me more than anyone- including yourself. Satan sent this woman- not Me. You forget the good plans I have for you and you will never find happiness serving your selfish desires. Had you read this warning label before you started down this road, would you have chosen differently? My love is for you, and I call to you still. Will you listen? I love you, My son, and I always will. Turn back to Me, and let Me show you the path to true joy and happiness." 

     When I found this the other day, I was struck with how good God is! Just like a loving parent, He speaks and urges us to listen. He longs to forgive us and offer grace when we ignore our warning labels- and I am guilty. If God is warning you today, friend, about a particular struggle you are facing, take time to really think it through and count the cost. 

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23 ESV

Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. Galatians 6:7-8 ESV

There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death. Proverbs 14:12 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, forgive me for how often I ignore Your voice whispering words of wisdom in the face of my foolish, sinful choices. How thankful I am for Your wonderful grace- so undeserved yet such a gift. Help me to listen closer to Your voice, and to stay actively engaged in Your Word to protect from Satan's targets against me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!