Blank Notebooks

     I love a fresh, new notebook. The pages are perfect, crisp, and white. No mistakes, no wrinkled edges- just clean and neat. Writing on that first page is satisfying, but also frustrating if you start off the notebook with a mistake. If it's in pencil, the eraser can leave smudge marks. But I'm almost always writing with a pen or a fine-tip marker, so for me, it's just a mistake I can't hide. I can scribble over it, or I can use white-out- but there is no getting around the fact that I screwed up. Life is kind of like that too, isn't it? 
     As we finish off this year of 2019, our "notebooks" for the year are at the last pages. Riddled throughout them are mistakes- not one of us will come to the last page and think, "hey, no mistakes for me this year!" We all have some beautiful pages- neat and clean. Then we all have the pages that are messy- indicating failures, hurts, pain, frustrations, and loss. My pages will look different than yours. Yours will tell your own unique story, yet all of us fall short of perfection. 
     My year has been a healing year- a year of building and re-building. A story full of hurt, betrayal and pain that turned into hope, joy and restoration. The very first pages of my year had marks on it that are painful to recall. I spent the New Year celebrating with my kids while my husband was not with us at the time. I forged out into 2019 with a broken heart and faith that somehow, some way, God would open good doors for me. And He did. And just like my God, He did more than I could ever have hoped or imagined.
     Less than a week into 2019, God miraculously reached in and restored my husband. I'll never tire of hearing that story, and if you haven't read it yet, you can find it in my earlier blog posts. In February, we renewed our wedding vows, and since then, we are falling into our new normal in life. We still face challenges, and if you're married, you will experience your own challenges. We have spent most of this year healing and growing and learning and trying to be intentional with one another. And as we end the year, we know Who has given us this gift of second chances- our amazing Heavenly Father.
     I don't know your story, and I don't know how your year started or how it's ending. I'm not sure what challenges you've faced this year, but I would love to hear of challenges conquered by the power of God Almighty. I'm living proof that He still fights our battles, so whatever you may be up against that may seem too big, too scary, or too overwhelming- they simply aren't. Not when we realize Who fights for us, and understand that He is more powerful than any of our circumstances.
     We are all about the turn the page to a fresh start. What will 2020 hold for us? None of us really know- but we can all count on days that will bring joy, and others that will break our hearts. All of us will have mistakes and smudge marks. We don't get to re-do our past, but we do have a whole new year ahead of us, providing opportunity to learn from our past mistakes, and hopefully avoid making the same ones in 2020. So as we embark on this New Year, think about who is in control of your pen or pencil- if you are, the mistakes will be abundant. But if God is allowed to be the Writer of your story, your notebook will look a lot better, a lot neater, and likely a lot different than you thought it would look. Allowing Him to be the Author of our story is the best way to set out in 2020! When we give Him the ultimate control, we are removing a lot of our stress, and setting ourselves up for fitting neatly into His purpose for us- and we don't want to miss that!

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:18-19 (ESV)
You crown the year with your bounty; your wagon tracks overflow with abundance. Psalm 65:11 (ESV)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, as we face a New Year, we thank You for the blessings of 2019. Some of our days were hard days, but we know You walked them with us. Help us to learn from our past mistakes, and to avoid making the same ones in the New Year. Help us to allow You to be the Author of our life story, and to relinquish control to You. We look ahead to 2020, knowing You will walk us through every joy and every trial. We thank You for that, Father. In Your name we pray, Jesus, Amen!

Making Plans

     The more time we spent together, the more we knew things were not only different this time, but right. We were living separately, and we wanted that to change soon. Evening and weekend dates were great, but as a married couple wanting to re-commit and spend forever together, it just wasn't enough. Every time he drove away from our driveway after dropping me off, my heart felt sad and incomplete. And so we began to make some plans.
     Our biggest issue wasn't even about us, but for those who had to "catch up" with our own feelings- namely, our kids and relatives. While we were ready to move forward, we understood it could be a challenge for those closely connected to us. This was a topic we discussed at length in our counseling sessions, yet as adults, we were encouraged to do what was right for our marriage, and in time, others would see what we knew in our own hearts. By spending time with others in our new start together, they would be able to see the changes in us, and in my husband. 
     We wanted to start fresh- new vows, new rings and a new "us". We chose a date for my husband to return home, and we chose a date for renewing our vows. We went to Jared's (because if you don't go there, they can't say "he went to Jared's";) and picked out new rings. We made plans for what we wanted our vow ceremony to look like, and who we wanted to attend. We planned a second honeymoon and we started to get pretty excited for what was ahead. 
     As I've said so many times, our fresh start wouldn't have been possible without the unmistakeable hand of God. He moved in ways that to this day, amaze and humble me. He uses people we may never expect Him to. He uses abilities we didn't know we had. He uses music. He uses conviction of our spirit. He is truly all-powerful and as scripture tells us, there is nothing too hard for Him. It is humbling to know that this Almighty God would care for our marriage and our lives. Who am I, that God should care? His ways are beyond my thinking, and His goodness exceeds my understanding. No matter what is happening in your own life, be assured that He is interested- He is watching, listening and working. There is such an enormous amount of comfort in knowing that the very One that holds the world in His hands, holds me- and He holds you, too! Don't ever lose sight of this One we serve, and how deeply He cares for us!

Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22 ESV
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19 ESV
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world," John 16:33 ESV
Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Matthew 6:26 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for caring about me and for my marriage. Your power is more than I can understand, and apart from it, my marriage would've never had a chance for a fresh start. That You are so interested in my little world is humbling, and yet it's so wonderfully sweet. Each day I am grateful for Your love, and for being one of Your children. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!