Performance Based Commitment

     In our 21st century world, performance matters. The overachiever generally keeps their job. The better you perform, the happier your boss is, and your employer is better off because of your performance. The same is true of a student. If you put in the effort, your grades will reflect your effort. If you don't do your homework, don't study for tests, and rarely show up for class, you're setting yourself up for failure. 
     When we put in the work, we expect to benefit. That's the way of the American rat race- perform and achieve. We practice this in so many spheres of our lives that we forget that while performance is a legitimate goal in our relationships and marriages, it shouldn't be the indicator for commitment. That's not to say we throw in the towel and not bother in putting forth the effort to grow and cultivate it, but rather choosing to commit no matter how your spouse performs. This goes against the grain for us humans, as it is contrary to the worldly view of "getting what we deserve." We think if we put forth our best effort for our spouse, everything should go the way we deserve them to, and sometimes, that's just not the case.
     As Christians, our goal for our marriages should be grace- based commitment. This type of commitment is what God shows us. He looks at good works as empty, and doesn't throw us a reward for our good behavior. He also doesn't toss us aside when our behavior is sinful and ugly. He is 100% committed to us, regardless of how we perform. God's relationship with us is a picture of what a godly marriage should look like. 
     A christian marriage affected by infidelity can often shift, trying to "perform to keep". I know, because I've been there. We put pressure on ourselves to be more desirable in one way or another. This sprouts from feelings left over from insecurity and doubt, but are contrary to God's plan for us. Our thought pattern must change to view our marriage in a healthy light.
     As healing takes place, these feelings will fade with time, but in moments where we feel the need to perform to achieve a secure marriage, we need to step back and remember God's relationship with us. We are humans and we will mess up. Some days, I have better hair than others, and some days, my smile is a lot easier to find. I'll hurt feelings and blurt out stupid comments. And at the end of the day, just as God shows me grace when I poorly perform, my spouse should do the same. This isn't to say we don't need to apologize for missing the mark, but that our mess-up days won't change the commitment of our marriage partner. This is grace-based commitment- a commitment that says, "I'm here for you, even when you fall short!" 

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2:8-9 ESV
And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. John 1:16 ESV
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8 ESV
But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift. Ephesians 4:7 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to remember that we are committed to our spouse, regardless of performance. Our behavior from other spheres of life often gets us confused and we forget the standard is different within our marriages. Help me to shower grace on my spouse, and remember that some days will be better than others. Thank You for showing me grace when I fail, and I pray that I will show that same grace to others that fail me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

*** Physical or emotional abuse isn't to be ignored or glossed over- even in a Christian marriage. If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek professional help.