Choose Truth

 The past year has been tough—that's not hard to deny. From dirty politics, to racial tension, to Covid19 information (or misinformation), one thing that stands out is how difficult it is to find truth these days. We can't find truth on the news; we are fed lies every day on social media, and we sure can't get a solid answer from our political leaders. It's disheartening and causes insecurity and fear. Our media feeds on this fear, piling on information that is greatly skewed. And while feeling disillusioned by outside sources is frustrating, it's far less hurtful than when it comes from our inner circle.

I was listening to a radio broadcast the other day and the pastor relayed a personal story that stuck with me. Someone had said something about him that was completely untrue—someone he knew and thought was his friend. This piece of information got under his skin and caused him three sleepless nights and plenty of anger. When he met with one of his friends for coffee, he brought up what had happened. His friend stopped him halfway through the conversation and said, "Enough. I don't want to hear about that anymore!" Taken aback, his friend went on to explain that what was said was untrue, in the past, and if dwelt on, would shift his focus from serving God to being sidetracked by this issue.

How many can relate to this story? I can. What people say about me matters—even though I often tend to brush it off outwardly (but inside it's very damaging). But when the information is inaccurate, it's even more hurtful. One point we need to consider is this—if you're doing something for the Lord, expect adversity. Nothing will trip us up more than an attack against our character—especially from a close source. And so when this happens, we must ask some questions of ourselves.

Is what has been said about me true in any way? Really allow yourself time to reflect on this and search for proof behind statements or assumptions. We often are not aware of how our words or actions may be taken by others. If there is truth to what has been said, address the issue and make the necessary changes. Mending relationships is important, and when we are at fault for the breech, we should be taking the first step to restoring the relationship.

What if the information is not true—what do I do about it? This can be difficult when it's coming from someone you know, trust, or love. It hurts. Addressing the issue and offering "your side" is helpful, but won't always correct the situation. If someone truly knows your character, they should be willing to hear your side and consider the possibility that what they have heard does not align with what they have observed in your words and actions. If they refuse to believe the truth over the misinformation they have heard, you will have to leave it at an apology and allow God to work in their hearts on the matter. Staying stuck in this place will rob you of your spiritual purpose and the joy we should experience as God's children.

What if the information is actually true–even if it was taken the wrong way? A heartfelt apology is in order—not only to the one you have offended, but to God as well. When we say or do hurtful things, we hurt more than just the person we offended—we hurt the heart of our Heavenly Father. This step goes against our pride and our fleshly desire to be "right". It's humbling to accept responsibility for our actions and to offer an apology, but it's absolutely required. The apology may or may not be accepted—and if it is not, that's on them. As believers, we should show care and grace when we offend or have been offended. 

Words can be very damaging. Gossip, lies against someone's character, and spreading misinformation hurt people. Consider this when you have something to say, or something to share with others. Is it true? Is it accurate? Is it profitable? Is it damaging? Will it build up, or tear down? Before we open our mouths, may we take into consideration these important questions, and be willing to shut our mouths when what we have to say is unkind, malicious or untrue. May we be known as encouragers and people who speak the truth in love. 

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits (Proverbs 18:21, ESV).

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18, ESV).

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak (Matthew 12:36, ESV),

"You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor (Exodus 20:16, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to weigh our words—the words we say and the words we hear. Help us to be truthful and to dwell on truth, knowing that dwelling on lies causes us to become angry and bitter. Purify our hearts so that our words will follow. In Your name we pray, Amen.

Will You Love Me Tomorrow?

     I've not been feeling exactly like myself, lately. I feel a little messier and a less put together. My nails are a wreck- short, thin and brittle from chipping off my own gel polish. We don't really have any reason to get dressed up or to get our make-up just right. It's a lot of gym clothes and pony tails. It's a "we're stuck in the house, and snacks beckon us", kind of month. Gyms are closed. So while I'm a fan of self care, I've been a little re-miss lately at doing a great job in this department. I know many of my girlfriends feel the same way- a little unpolished and unkempt. And if we aren't careful, this feeling will carry over into our spirit, whispering lies about who we really are and what our true worth is. Can you feel me? Have you felt a little out of sorts during this quarantine way of life?
     Self image is an age old ploy of the devil to rob us of how God sees us. And while a little effort is important, it still comes down to one basic bottom line in love- it's a choice. My mind goes to a couple  I follow through social media. Two attractive people, married only a few years. A disfiguring accident changed the whole course of their life. She no longer looked beautiful on the outside, at least according to the world's standard of beauty. Her life would now include the need for round the clock care, a wheel chair and diapers. As far as self image- this is a helpless place to live, day in and day out. You can't will yourself to look like you used to, or navigate like you used to- this is the new reality for this lovely couple, and they are ...thriving. How is this possible, given their current state? Again, we go back to the basic truth -love is a choice!
     Can you love like this? Selfless. Serving. Exhausting. It's one of the deeper, darker trials of life, and yet it's possible when we understand what love really is. For those of us who have been betrayed in love, it's hard to believe that we could be loved in this way. We may doubt it's possible, but our worth does not rest in who we think we are, or even in who our spouse thinks we are, but rather in who God says we are. And when we understand that God loves us in our lowest state, it should shame us to think of how shallowly we often love others. When Jesus willingly died an excruciating death to save me, out of His great love for me, He set the bar really high for how I'm to love. If I'm honest, I fall short far more often than I hit the mark. 
     Your words and actions have the power to eradicate doubt and fear in your spouse. We all go through periods of insecurity and we all feel "less than" at some point in our lives. Right now, we are all missing our hair stylists, nail techs and fitness instructors. We may be feeling a little less attractive, but it doesn't change the heart of who we are, or the choice to love through those messier seasons. Let's not listen to the lies that this changes our worth or makes us less worthy of love. Let's heed the call of Scripture that encourages us to build others up, fulfilling a real need in every one of us. One day, hopefully soon, my nails may look better. One day soon, I can get back to my gym routine. But I'm no less today, than I was or will be. Every day, I'm chosen. Every day, I'm loved. Every day, I'm reminded that God found me worth dying for. My circumstances don't change that. And when we love one another in this way, fears and doubts are cast out. And we know- we really know, we will be loved tomorrow.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 (ESV)
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18 (ESV)
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 (ESV)
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:7 (ESV)

Dear heavenly Father, help us to remember our value does not rest on our outward beauty- but as we read in Your Word, You look in our hearts. May we learn to love like You love, without conditions. And may we learn to listen to what Your Word says about us and not the lies Satan whispers in our ears. May I love my spouse every day- no matter what. In Your Name I pray, Amen!

She's Prettier Than Me

     Comparison. The thief of self-confidence. The lurking doubt in our mind that we don't measure up. Women are notorious at playing this game, and it steals our joy and confidence. Men play it too, but they are known to give themselves a pass far sooner than we are. We are often our own worst enemy when it comes to our appearance. While we know as fact that we are created a masterpiece, in the image of God, our hearts lack the knowledge that this is actual truth.
     These are the words of our enemy, and they are likely present in your mind, no matter how aesthetically pleasing your features are:
She is prettier than I am.
I don't like my ______.
I would look better if only _____.
I would be more accepted if I ______.
Trust me. I know these phrases, because I've heard them over and over again in my own spirit. They hurt, and they cause fear, doubt and uncertainty. If you've been betrayed or rejected, they are louder than they ever were in the past. We all hear them though, so what do we do about it?
     It is absolutely true that God looks on the inward appearance, and finds our value there. But sadly, we live in a world that looks on the outside first, and then decides our value. It's a backward culture, but one we must learn to live in with a measure of confidence. Over-confidence is another subject altogether, and one we often link to vanity and narcissism. So what is the balance we hope to embrace, as children of God? How do we live with a sense of confidence that God made us beautiful, and accept that as truth with a humble spirit?
     If I claimed to have all the answers, I would be lying- because I still wrestle with these whispered words that cause self-doubt. I look in the mirror and notice my faults much more than any other physical feature I possess. So I write this to myself- and not just to you! If you're married, it's important to make an effort to look your best, but it's also important to know they love you when you look your worst. Yet the hardest reality we face is that we often feel less attractive, due to our opinion of someone we believe to be more attractive than we are. Women often allow this to cause feelings of insecurity and jealousy, especially in the face of sexual betrayal.
     If you are married or in a relationship, I want to encourage you to build up your partner. We have tremendous power to squelch the feelings of insecurity in our spouse by our words and actions. Another valuable resource we have to combat insecurity is to see what God has to say about us in His Word. God would not send His only Son to die for someone He deemed worthless. We know from scripture that God doesn't love us based on our physical appearance- in fact, He is far more interested in our heart. 
     Our beautiful Savior, Jesus, was described as One without majesty or beauty that we should be attracted to Him for His physical appearance (see Isaiah 53). Yet was there ever One more beautiful than our Lord? Real beauty flows from our heart- outpouring into our attitude, presence, words, and actions. And while we live here, we have a distorted view of beauty, failing to recognize the beauty that truly counts. God help us to shed our insecurities and embrace the heart of Your Spirit within us. Help us to turn our eyes from the mirror and instead, fasten them on You. May I, like You, look on the hearts of others, rather than assign worth on physical attributes. Forgive me, Lord, for often being critical of who You created me to be!

Do not let your adorning be external- the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear- but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 1 Peter 3:3-4 (ESV)
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30 (ESV)
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to remember how You see me- precious and so loved. It's so easy to get sidetracked with beauty and vanity and miss real beauty- the beauty of a heart of loving devotion to You. In Your name I pray, Lord, Amen!

     

Messy Me

          having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a 
          sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure
          heart, 1 peter 1:22 (esv)

     It was a busy morning- the kind of morning where you take a quick shower and put your wet hair up and throw on gym clothes. I had some errands to run and needed to stop by the store for a couple things while I was out. I usually take the extra time to dry and style my hair, but not today. While I was wandering around Walmart, I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen for years. I was tempted to dart around the aisle and escape, considering my look for the day, but I wasn't fast enough. I made excuses for my appearance and wished they had seen me on my better days. 
     Conversation catch up was light, including only the good things going on in our lives. We shared about our kids, where we lived, our spouses, and where we went to college. We smiled, and did our best to make the conversation one that was neat, clean, and tidy. Because that's what we feel the most comfortable with, isn't it? Can you imagine bumping into an acquaintance and actually telling them the truth about life? They would likely want to make a quick escape and even possibly feel sorry for me, if I were honest.
     Why do we feel the need to present the best version of ourselves to others? Are we afraid of being vulnerable and messy? Why do we put on the show that we live in a pain-free, perfect world? Why can't I be real with other people, letting them know that life has had its rough moments, without shame or embarrassment? The honest answer to that question unsettles me, because it points to one word- pride! 
     We often get wrapped up in being polished. We want the best clothes, good hair, pretty nails, and a nice ride- I'm no exception. I like to look my best, and be my best. Some days, I can almost pull it off, but most days, I'm messy. I don't necessarily mean on the outside as much as I mean inside of me. I say dumb things. I hurt people's feelings. I forget to pay attention to the person that feels left out. I make "mom mistakes." I gossip, even though I know it's wrong. I snap at my husband. I nag my kids. The truth is, the outside of me may look just fine, but the inside of me can be ugly. 
     Jesus isn't afraid of my mess. I may try to hide it from people, but I know God sees the truth of me. I can't fool Him with a polished exterior- scripture even tells us that God doesn't look on the outward appearance, He looks at our hearts. I may have it all together on the outside, but be falling apart on the inside- emotionally and spiritually. That's been true for me, more days than I care to recall. Hard days where pain, fear and insecurity were crippling me on the inside, yet I try to present a version of myself that isn't faulty. I'm thankful for those who really know me and can see past the facade. And I'm thankful that God loves me despite my failures.
     God has been working to remove the polished me, and replace me with a more authentic version of myself. I'm beginning to accept my imperfections, knowing God will use them in ways I never imagined. Being open about our messes, opens doors. I see the old me in so many others, especially Christians, that are still hiding. They have the outward appearance that everything is just perfect, yet inside, they're falling apart. I want to hug them and tell them it's okay to take off the mask and share their burdens. Are you afraid, friend, of sharing your heart- mess and all? I pray that God reminds me daily to have compassion for those who are brave enough to be vulnerable and open up, and that He gives me insight and wisdom to know when someone is hiding. Let's be genuine in a world full of knock-offs. God intends for us to be honest and real- may He give me the courage to live my imperfect life, and help me use my experiences to help others who may also be struggling. God loves "messy me", and He loves you too. No matter what. 

Performance Based Commitment

     In our 21st century world, performance matters. The overachiever generally keeps their job. The better you perform, the happier your boss is, and your employer is better off because of your performance. The same is true of a student. If you put in the effort, your grades will reflect your effort. If you don't do your homework, don't study for tests, and rarely show up for class, you're setting yourself up for failure. 
     When we put in the work, we expect to benefit. That's the way of the American rat race- perform and achieve. We practice this in so many spheres of our lives that we forget that while performance is a legitimate goal in our relationships and marriages, it shouldn't be the indicator for commitment. That's not to say we throw in the towel and not bother in putting forth the effort to grow and cultivate it, but rather choosing to commit no matter how your spouse performs. This goes against the grain for us humans, as it is contrary to the worldly view of "getting what we deserve." We think if we put forth our best effort for our spouse, everything should go the way we deserve them to, and sometimes, that's just not the case.
     As Christians, our goal for our marriages should be grace- based commitment. This type of commitment is what God shows us. He looks at good works as empty, and doesn't throw us a reward for our good behavior. He also doesn't toss us aside when our behavior is sinful and ugly. He is 100% committed to us, regardless of how we perform. God's relationship with us is a picture of what a godly marriage should look like. 
     A christian marriage affected by infidelity can often shift, trying to "perform to keep". I know, because I've been there. We put pressure on ourselves to be more desirable in one way or another. This sprouts from feelings left over from insecurity and doubt, but are contrary to God's plan for us. Our thought pattern must change to view our marriage in a healthy light.
     As healing takes place, these feelings will fade with time, but in moments where we feel the need to perform to achieve a secure marriage, we need to step back and remember God's relationship with us. We are humans and we will mess up. Some days, I have better hair than others, and some days, my smile is a lot easier to find. I'll hurt feelings and blurt out stupid comments. And at the end of the day, just as God shows me grace when I poorly perform, my spouse should do the same. This isn't to say we don't need to apologize for missing the mark, but that our mess-up days won't change the commitment of our marriage partner. This is grace-based commitment- a commitment that says, "I'm here for you, even when you fall short!" 

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2:8-9 ESV
And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. John 1:16 ESV
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8 ESV
But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift. Ephesians 4:7 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to remember that we are committed to our spouse, regardless of performance. Our behavior from other spheres of life often gets us confused and we forget the standard is different within our marriages. Help me to shower grace on my spouse, and remember that some days will be better than others. Thank You for showing me grace when I fail, and I pray that I will show that same grace to others that fail me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

*** Physical or emotional abuse isn't to be ignored or glossed over- even in a Christian marriage. If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek professional help.

The Pain of Rejection

     We all struggle with insecurities and things that make us feel like we come up short. We wish we were thinner, younger, smarter, more organized, more talented, better looking, and a handful of other things. We are usually our own worst critics. I can see my own flaws so easily, and fail to see the good qualities I possess. Couple that with rejection from your spouse, and you have a real recipe for feeling sad and insecure. 
     We've heard it since we were young if we grew up in church. We are told we are beautiful in God's eyes- a masterpiece. And while that sounds good to our ears, it doesn't seem to speak louder than being cast aside by our spouse. We get waylaid by the rejection, and wonder what is wrong with us. Why am I not good enough? Was it my extra pounds, double chin, or maybe my cellulite? Was I not interesting or exciting to be around? Maybe I was too silly or too serious. Whatever the case, we begin to doubt ourselves, and our qualities. When we listen to the voices of rejection, we fall into Satan's trap for us. It holds us captive in self pity and insecurity, and puts us in a form of bondage that God doesn't want for us. 
     The bottom line when it comes to marriage, is even if I tacked on 100 extra pounds, grew a second nose, or acquired a disfiguring injury, none of that disqualifies me from being chosen by my spouse. If I chose to talk less or laugh too loud, it may be annoying, but it isn't an excuse to look elsewhere. Marriage isn't based on our qualifications, but on a vow made before our Heavenly Father. When a married person forgets this, it is deeply disappointing to God, and is emotionally traumatic to their spouse. 
     If you're stuck in the hurt of feeling rejected, I am so sorry. I won't say I don't understand, because I do. I could sit beside you, shoulder to shoulder, and tell you "me too." It hurts to be told that you aren't wanted anymore. We touched on it earlier in this post, but we need to listen closer to God's voice. We really are a masterpiece! We really are fearfully and wonderfully made. Those are truths told to us by our Creator. He doesn't tell lies or change His mind about what He has said. These are statements that can set us free from our insecurities. God promises us, even in the middle of this painful journey, that better days are ahead for us. He DOES have good plans for us. He will never reject us, and His love will never fail. Let's cling to these words from God's Word: 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14 ESV
For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10 NLT
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to live in truth rather than Satan's lies. Help me escape the trap of insecurity so I can live with purpose- Your purpose for me! Give healing and help in this dark part of my journey, and help me remember the hope of better days ahead. Thank you for Your faithful love, and for accepting all who come to You, and never rejecting us. It is a privilege to be accepted by You, Lord, and I thank You for not overlooking me, or setting me aside. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!