What Every Marriage Needs

 There are many different things a marriage needs—that's definitely true! Without certain components a marriage will struggle. We need respect, acceptance, and love. We crave companionship, romance and daily support. We want to feel attraction and desire. As Christians, we need a firm foundation individually and as a unit in Christ. These are all important aspects that enhance and build a successful marriage—but without commitment, the marriage is in serious trouble.

For the year or so that followed the rebuilding of our marriage, I struggled with worry—hoping our marriage would make it this time. One of the most wonderful truths that came to me through prayer was this: It's not my responsibility to make my spouse stay. Sure, I need to put forth my best effort at being a wife, but the staying of my spouse doesn't rest on my shoulders—what does rest on my shoulders is my own commitment to stay. This removed a large amount of anxiety and burden I initially felt as we forged into recovery and rebuilding, allowing me to focus on what I was responsible for. 

Commitment is something we learn from God, because He has demonstrated it daily to us. I sadly remember times in my own Christian experience when I wandered from God and allowed our connection to grow dim. Let me be clear—it was completely one-sided. God never leaves us or abandons us—He is faithful and committed to us every second of every day. Just because I forget to pray at times or read His Word won't send Him packing. If I believe I'm too busy to meet with Him on Sundays because my priorities are in the wrong order, He won't turn His back on me. If I fail to tell others about what He's done in my life and neglect to share His gospel story, He's still with me. Does it hurt Him? It does, but it does not change His commitment to me. 

It's embarrassing when we stop to think of how we are as part of Christ's bride and the different expectations we have for our own spouse. We have the perfect Bridegroom, and yet we often are guilty of treating Him poorly and not making Him the priority we should in life. But the minute our spouse begins to irritate us or do things we don't particularly like, we feel less committed and possibly even ready to throw in the towel. Do you see how trivial we are when we consider the commitment God has shown us? There are situations when staying isn't safe—whether physically or emotionally. Abuse is always wrong, but in the regular pattern of living and loving 24/7, "messy" is bound to happen at times.

So we see how God is our primary example of commitment, but what exactly does the word mean? Commitment is defined as the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity or something else. In the case of marriage, it's a dedication to your spouse and the vows you made. It's being there for each other when life is hard and full of challenges. It's being the support needed when life gets difficult, and also to celebrate victories. It's being there when your spouse is sick, aggravating, or discouraged. It's remaining committed whether they seem boring, put on weight or forget your anniversary. Commitment means you stay for better or for worse—expecting that some seasons will truly be "worse". 

For any who are married or considering marriage, commitment is the essential element. You can only control your staying—your spouse is responsible for theirs. You can worry and hope and try to do this, or try to do that. Ultimately as Christians, our level of commitment should mirror the pattern we learned through Christ and leaving should not be a consideration unless we are in danger. There is no perfect spouse out there and somedays, yours will irritate you or make you angry. Other days, you'll be the one irritating and upsetting your spouse. This brings to light the additional need for a forgiving spirit—also best displayed through Christ. When we stop to consider what He's forgiven us for, it's shameful to think of us holding grudges and refusing to easily forgive others. Marriage is hard, yes, but marriage is also a beautiful blessing—one to treat with care, consideration and commitment. 

If a man vows a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth (Numbers 30:2, ESV).

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the LORD and not for men (Colossians 3:23, ESV),

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up (Galatians 6:9, ESV)

"If you love me, you will keep my commandments (John 14:15, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for your faithful commitment to each one of us. We don't deserve it because we fail You so often. May we learn from Your perfect example, and treat our spouses the way You treat us. In Your name we pray, Amen!

When You Don't Speak the Same Love Language

     I'm going to guess that most couples speak their love in different ways. Dr. Gary Chapman teaches about five love languages—ways we demonstrate our love for our spouse. Some give their time, so the language they speak to show their love is quality time. Some are very touchy people—they show their love by touches, hugs, kisses, and sexual intimacy. Some love to give gifts—they shower their spouse with flowers, jewelry, shoes, golf clubs, candy or whatever he/she loves the most. Their language is giving gifts. Then we have those who like to do things for their spouse—they pick up the kids, vacuum the carpet, run to the store, fix the leaky faucet, or any number of ways to lend a helping hand. These are people who speak love in forms of service. Last, we have those who say the good stuff—they shower with compliments, offer praise, speak thankfulness and affirm through their words that they love you. 
     Since opposites attract, our primary love language is likely not going to match up with our spouse. While learning the language of your spouse is of value, what if they just don't? What if you long to be loved in the same way you speak love? Are you unloved if your spouse is trying to show their love by vacuuming for you, when you show yours by giving him back rubs and kisses? The answer is no, but it can unsettle us when their language doesn't match our needs.
     I'm going to be honest here—my husband and I don't speak the same love language. He shows his love by spending time with me and doing things for me. I show my love for him by my words. I'm comfortable with words and don't mind speaking what's on my heart. He's comfortable sitting beside me and enjoying time spent together. Do I long for flowery speech and mushy notes? Of course I do, and sometimes he does fall onto my planet of affirming words. But on days when they don't come, what then? Did he forget how to love me?
     I think it's important to look for love in any healthy form that it's offered. It's wise to know the different ways love is expressed and accept that sometimes, it's spoken in ways we don't use to express it ourselves. I could choose to feel unloved when I am not hearing things like, "you are my world—the best thing that ever happened to me." Or, "you're the most beautiful woman." And if I make that choice, I'm missing the love he is speaking into the countless hours he puts aside to spend with me—eating a meal out, riding around running errands, asking me to accompany him on business trips, or even just hitting our local gym together. And I could also miss his love when he works long hours to provide for me to have a really comfortable life.
     Are there ways your spouse is speaking love to you that you may be missing? Are you guilty of feeling unloved or unappreciated because they speak love differently than you? I know I have been guilty of that. Rather than feeling discouraged and disappointed, start looking for ways your spouse is trying to demonstrate their love to you. I think you may be surprised at how much love they are showing that you may be missing because you are waiting for something more familiar—your language. If your spouse learns your language and speaks it fluently, that's great. But if they do not, don't assume you aren't valued and loved. God creates some of us with the gift of words, some affectionate, and some with hearts that want to please with their helping hand. He makes us all different—we will always be a blend of two very different people learning to love in our own unique way. 
     Satan wants us to be unsatisfied with our spouse. He wants marriages to fail. He wants us to feel unloved and unhappy with what we have. He loves discontentment—it's where he begins to dismantle our marriages. He speaks lies promising something much better—much more pleasing than your own spouse. Don't listen to him. Instead, love your spouse selflessly. Don't expect them to meet your every need—only God can do that. And often when we love the way God loves us, without expectations, we will receive love in ways that will humble us, encourage us, and open our eyes to the gift we've been given in our spouse. My prayer today, is that you find you've been loved all along, even when the language is foreign to you. 

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7 (ESV)
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. John 13:34 (ESV)
We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19 (ESV)
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, it can be easy to complain and feel unloved when our spouse doesn't speak our love language. Help us rather than feel disappointed and unloved, to look for ways they may be speaking love differently than we do. And always help me remember the perfect love You have for me. In Your name I pray, Jesus, Amen!

No Way Out!

     We often like to think we are highly-committed people, but many times, we find it so easy to throw in the towel and quit. Take dieting, for instance. I often find myself setting goals, only to throw them out the window for a piece of warm apple pie with vanilla ice cream, or a Chick-fil-A sandwich with a frosted coffee. I planned to have a little, boring cup of  greek yogurt, but my hunger spoke louder than my good sense. The most important aspect of being successful in weight loss, is a commitment to sticking it out- and sometimes, I simply cave. 
     The same is true within a marriage. There are so many tools we can apply in our marriages that will help to better them- love, grace, understanding, patience, kindness, actions that support our words, a listening ear, a servant's heart, honesty, respect and so much more! But without commitment, those tools simply aren't enough. If we don't believe in the vows we made, "as long as we both shall live", we are in hot water! A marriage lacking in commitment is in trouble. 
     Apart from abuse, viewing our marriage as permanent is crucial to its health. In my own marriage, for almost two and a half decades, we were both completely committed to one other. It was understood that we would always be together, as long as God gave us. But in a very short time, Satan opened up the door to a "way out". He whispered lies that separated us. He provided a recipe for marital disaster. And as soon as commitment was in question, we found ourselves suffering the consequences of allowing this thought process to invade and destroy. 
     Why is it important to God that we honor our marriage, and stay committed? God has patterned marriage after His relationship with us- His children. He calls our relationship with Him a marriage. We are His Bride, and He is our bridegroom. How serious is God's commitment to His people? Does He change His mind about us when we fail Him? Does He decide He likes someone better than us, and abandon us? Does He grow tired of us, and long for someone better? No! God is faithfully committed to us, and that will never change. Even when we are the most unlovable.We never have to worry about where He is, or if He will stick around. He is always with us, and He always will be. If our marriage is to be a picture of that relationship He has with us, then we should have a clear picture of why He values our marital commitment, and wants us to remain faithful to one another. 
     While I may sometimes stink at staying committed to a healthy diet, I need to make sure I don't lose sight of being committed in my marriage. Some days will be hard. Some seasons will seem almost impossible. Some moments will crush my heart. But most won't. Most have been enjoyable, comfortable, wonderful, fulfilling and full of wonderful memories. But even on the days when those seem far from reach, may God give me a heart of commitment to my husband. If I want my marriage to succeed, and I most certainly do, then I have to believe there isn't a way out. Not because I'm trapped, but because God has a plan for the two of us, and if I quit, I'll miss out on whatever it is. And in the process, I would tarnish the picture of God's love for His children. Friend- let's not say we are stuck in our marriages when we consider commitment. Instead, let's stay committed- focused on being the very best spouse for our partner. Even on the hard days. Even when we don't want to- we stay. Because God stays with us. 

If a man vows a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. Numbers 30:2 ESV
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9 ESV
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, it's easy to stay committed when things are great, and life is good. But on the harder days, we often want to quit. Give us the strength and courage to remain committed to our marriages- even when they don't look the way we hoped. Help us to be a picture of grace when grace is needed, and help our marriage to reflect your relationship with us. Lord, even when it seems impossible, we know there is always a way, because You are with us. In Your name, we pray, Amen!

Against Any Odds

     Reading through the statistics of marriages that face infidelity is staggering. Even in Christian marriages, the numbers aren't encouraging. It's so easy to feel protected from the possibility, yet it's also very naive. According to multiple surveys, a little over half of married couples will experience an affair. Many never come to light, sadly, and stay hidden as skeletons in the closet. And while we may be able to hide our skeletons from others, we know we can't hide them from God. Did I ever see it coming in my own marriage? I absolutely didn't, and the best piece of advice I can give to each of you is this- guard your hearts, keep communication open and active, and invest in one another spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
     Once a marriage has experienced an affair, what are the chances of restoration and recovery? I was pleasantly surprised to read that 70% of couples that admit to infidelity will stay together! While even a larger number would be better, 70% was better than what I expected. Some are adamant they would never be able to forgive an affair, and would divorce if it happened in their own marriage. I was sure of those feelings myself, but God had other plans for me. 
     I think it's much more important to focus on your new commitment, than to allow statistics to cause fear or discouragement. Sure, the path ahead is a little daunting initially, but staying the course with a renewed sense of purpose, allowing God to create something better is certainly where we are happy to be. For us, we are absolutely certain that God had to be in it on both sides in order for it to work. Once we re-established that foundation, we had something we could build on. Another component I believe to be important is to learn that forgiveness means letting go of what happened. It doesn't mean that we don't learn lessons from it, and it doesn't mean that we don't have scars that can at times feel sore- but it does mean that we are able to truly feel forgiveness regarding the betrayal. 
     So how do we find ourselves in that 70%, and not the 30% that walk away? While I am sure each couple has their own stories of how they found victory over sexual betrayal, I think it starts with a willingness to face what's happened together, and seek help to heal with a genuine sense of commitment to restoration. Having a mutual openness to godly counsel was crucial in our marriage and continues to reap tremendous benefits. If you're in the stage of recovery, both my husband and I, would strongly encourage christian counseling along with marriage-based shared devotions and daily prayer. Once we were on the same page, with the leading and guiding of our Heavenly Father, we refused to accept anything less than God's best for us as a couple- and we knew that meant staying together. Yes, we are still a work in progress, but God is making our story so beautiful, and He isn't even finished with us yet! Don't stop praying for us, and we won't stop praying for those we are touching with our own story. And my prayer is this- "God, help those in the 70% to heal and recover and flourish in their renewed love. But God, please help heal the broken hearts of the 30%, and the loved ones that continue to hurt inside the brokenness of infidelity. And Father, allow us to help others experiencing the deep pain associated with an affair- may You use us in ways that continue to blow us away. In Your precious name I pray, Amen!"

But Ruth said, "Do not urge me to leave you or return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the LORD do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you." Ruth 1:16-17 ESV
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 ESV

Performance Based Commitment

     In our 21st century world, performance matters. The overachiever generally keeps their job. The better you perform, the happier your boss is, and your employer is better off because of your performance. The same is true of a student. If you put in the effort, your grades will reflect your effort. If you don't do your homework, don't study for tests, and rarely show up for class, you're setting yourself up for failure. 
     When we put in the work, we expect to benefit. That's the way of the American rat race- perform and achieve. We practice this in so many spheres of our lives that we forget that while performance is a legitimate goal in our relationships and marriages, it shouldn't be the indicator for commitment. That's not to say we throw in the towel and not bother in putting forth the effort to grow and cultivate it, but rather choosing to commit no matter how your spouse performs. This goes against the grain for us humans, as it is contrary to the worldly view of "getting what we deserve." We think if we put forth our best effort for our spouse, everything should go the way we deserve them to, and sometimes, that's just not the case.
     As Christians, our goal for our marriages should be grace- based commitment. This type of commitment is what God shows us. He looks at good works as empty, and doesn't throw us a reward for our good behavior. He also doesn't toss us aside when our behavior is sinful and ugly. He is 100% committed to us, regardless of how we perform. God's relationship with us is a picture of what a godly marriage should look like. 
     A christian marriage affected by infidelity can often shift, trying to "perform to keep". I know, because I've been there. We put pressure on ourselves to be more desirable in one way or another. This sprouts from feelings left over from insecurity and doubt, but are contrary to God's plan for us. Our thought pattern must change to view our marriage in a healthy light.
     As healing takes place, these feelings will fade with time, but in moments where we feel the need to perform to achieve a secure marriage, we need to step back and remember God's relationship with us. We are humans and we will mess up. Some days, I have better hair than others, and some days, my smile is a lot easier to find. I'll hurt feelings and blurt out stupid comments. And at the end of the day, just as God shows me grace when I poorly perform, my spouse should do the same. This isn't to say we don't need to apologize for missing the mark, but that our mess-up days won't change the commitment of our marriage partner. This is grace-based commitment- a commitment that says, "I'm here for you, even when you fall short!" 

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2:8-9 ESV
And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. John 1:16 ESV
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8 ESV
But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift. Ephesians 4:7 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to remember that we are committed to our spouse, regardless of performance. Our behavior from other spheres of life often gets us confused and we forget the standard is different within our marriages. Help me to shower grace on my spouse, and remember that some days will be better than others. Thank You for showing me grace when I fail, and I pray that I will show that same grace to others that fail me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

*** Physical or emotional abuse isn't to be ignored or glossed over- even in a Christian marriage. If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek professional help.