I'm going to guess that most couples speak their love in different ways. Dr. Gary Chapman teaches about five love languages—ways we demonstrate our love for our spouse. Some give their time, so the language they speak to show their love is quality time. Some are very touchy people—they show their love by touches, hugs, kisses, and sexual intimacy. Some love to give gifts—they shower their spouse with flowers, jewelry, shoes, golf clubs, candy or whatever he/she loves the most. Their language is giving gifts. Then we have those who like to do things for their spouse—they pick up the kids, vacuum the carpet, run to the store, fix the leaky faucet, or any number of ways to lend a helping hand. These are people who speak love in forms of service. Last, we have those who say the good stuff—they shower with compliments, offer praise, speak thankfulness and affirm through their words that they love you.
Since opposites attract, our primary love language is likely not going to match up with our spouse. While learning the language of your spouse is of value, what if they just don't? What if you long to be loved in the same way you speak love? Are you unloved if your spouse is trying to show their love by vacuuming for you, when you show yours by giving him back rubs and kisses? The answer is no, but it can unsettle us when their language doesn't match our needs.
I'm going to be honest here—my husband and I don't speak the same love language. He shows his love by spending time with me and doing things for me. I show my love for him by my words. I'm comfortable with words and don't mind speaking what's on my heart. He's comfortable sitting beside me and enjoying time spent together. Do I long for flowery speech and mushy notes? Of course I do, and sometimes he does fall onto my planet of affirming words. But on days when they don't come, what then? Did he forget how to love me?
I think it's important to look for love in any healthy form that it's offered. It's wise to know the different ways love is expressed and accept that sometimes, it's spoken in ways we don't use to express it ourselves. I could choose to feel unloved when I am not hearing things like, "you are my world—the best thing that ever happened to me." Or, "you're the most beautiful woman." And if I make that choice, I'm missing the love he is speaking into the countless hours he puts aside to spend with me—eating a meal out, riding around running errands, asking me to accompany him on business trips, or even just hitting our local gym together. And I could also miss his love when he works long hours to provide for me to have a really comfortable life.
Are there ways your spouse is speaking love to you that you may be missing? Are you guilty of feeling unloved or unappreciated because they speak love differently than you? I know I have been guilty of that. Rather than feeling discouraged and disappointed, start looking for ways your spouse is trying to demonstrate their love to you. I think you may be surprised at how much love they are showing that you may be missing because you are waiting for something more familiar—your language. If your spouse learns your language and speaks it fluently, that's great. But if they do not, don't assume you aren't valued and loved. God creates some of us with the gift of words, some affectionate, and some with hearts that want to please with their helping hand. He makes us all different—we will always be a blend of two very different people learning to love in our own unique way.
Satan wants us to be unsatisfied with our spouse. He wants marriages to fail. He wants us to feel unloved and unhappy with what we have. He loves discontentment—it's where he begins to dismantle our marriages. He speaks lies promising something much better—much more pleasing than your own spouse. Don't listen to him. Instead, love your spouse selflessly. Don't expect them to meet your every need—only God can do that. And often when we love the way God loves us, without expectations, we will receive love in ways that will humble us, encourage us, and open our eyes to the gift we've been given in our spouse. My prayer today, is that you find you've been loved all along, even when the language is foreign to you.
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7 (ESV)
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. John 13:34 (ESV)
We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19 (ESV)
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 (ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, it can be easy to complain and feel unloved when our spouse doesn't speak our love language. Help us rather than feel disappointed and unloved, to look for ways they may be speaking love differently than we do. And always help me remember the perfect love You have for me. In Your name I pray, Jesus, Amen!
Sex is one of the most misused expressions of intimacy. Our world twists its meaning, capitalizes on it, and uses it to entice young and old alike. While it offers momentary pleasure, it often causes deep-seated pain. It steals, confuses, corrupts, and hurts. When misused, it often leads to heartache and brokenness. It can lead to paths of betrayal, abortion, disease, and addiction. We have distorted this gift, and used it in ways God never intended.
Who did He create sex for? This made me think of kids and young adults, and how they think it's gross to know their parents have sex- and yet, it was created for married people. God made sex as an expression of love between a husband and wife. If we are Christians and want to live a life that pleases God, scripture is clear that it was intended only inside of marriage. If you're single, dating, or engaged- God says not yet. He doesn't hold it back from us to punish or deprive us, He holds it back because He knows the pain and heartache it can cause. He says, "not yet" because He cares for us, and knows better than we do. And so, we should simply honor His Word and trust Him while we wait.
What about sex inside of marriage? It shouldn't be given as a reward for good behavior, much like it shouldn't be withheld as punishment for bad behavior. It should be liberally enjoyed to express our love in feeling and action. We can say, "I love you" with words, but with sex, we show our love in a unique, beautiful way. God didn't only create it with procreation in mind, He knew it would be something we would crave and enjoy. Some days, we feel more intimate and loving than others, but regularly expressing our love in this way is healthy and builds a marriage up. Don't deprive one another when it comes to sex, it opens the door to sin and betrayal. I also challenge every married person not to look outside of your spouse for sexual fulfillment. It's always wrong, it always leads to trouble, and it always causes pain and heartache.
If you aren't married, and find yourself compromising when it comes to sex, consider studying God's Word on the subject. It's never too late to decide to save it for marriage. You may have done it wrong in the past, but with God, He always gives us opportunity to be obedient and start fresh. If you are married, make it a regular part of your communication. Be thankful for this unique gift God has given us- and enjoy it with your spouse. Make time for it, and don't allow distractions and an overfilled schedule to stand in the way of intimacy. Talk about what you need from your spouse, and learn to know what your spouse needs from you. If you're still in the "not yet" phase of life, as the saying goes- good things come to those who wait.
Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 1 Corinthians 6:18 ESV
So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:22 ESV
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 1 Corinthians 7:3 ESV
Let the marriage bed be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4 ESV
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for this gift- one we often misuse and abuse and in the process, we hurt not only others, but ourselves as well. Help us to be strong and exercise self-control, knowing that when we are sexually pure, we honor You. Help me treasure this gift, and remember Your purposes in it. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
