Do you remember how frustrating it was as a small child to feel unheard and ignored because you were "just a kid"? I had an aunt-a wonderful, special aunt, who no matter how young or insignificant I felt, always stopped to listen. I'll always remember my Aunt Carole that way-kind, compassionate, and an active listener. But I remember many times when I went unnoticed and unheard, and those times always got under my skin. As adults, we often ignore the words of others. People speak their hearts and we simply ignore them or choose not to listen and hear what they are saying. When we refuse to listen and understand, we often discourage and frustrate them.
We know how prayer works. God hears the prayers of His people. He's always listening, and He always cares. If He does that for all of us, can we not listen to the words of others? Can we not acknowledge their words and reply with compassion? As an adult, one of my biggest pet peeves is not being heard. To be waved off without consideration always gets my dander up. Maybe you've also had situations where you weren't heard, and it hurt or frustrated you. Being heard doesn't mean that the other party agrees, but that they listened and gave real consideration to your thoughts or feelings.
If you're married, you need to hear the words of your spouse. The old picture of the man grunting answers behind his morning newspaper is unhealthy. Conversation is necessary for connection-even in the mundane routines of life. You cannot have a deep relationship if you don't hear what your spouse is really saying. If you don't understand their thoughts-simply ask for clarification. The best ways to show you are listening is to give eye contact, repeat the information you are being told, and reply with feeling and knowledge regarding the words spoken to you. When you practice these three listening cues, your communication improves and you connect on a deeper level.
If you're a parent, your child needs to know you hear them. The same three cues can be practiced with your kids. While you may not understand what's really being said, by listening and sharing dialogue, the chances are that by your interest in their words, understanding will follow. Your children need to know that you will not only listen to them, but you'll hear the feelings, ideas, and thoughts they are trying to convey. Giving your children your attention and a thoughtful reply will do a world of good in building your relationship with them.
If you are part of a church fellowship, those who worship with you need you to hear them. You cannot have a spirit of unity and connection if you don't hear your brothers and sisters. Again-believers won't always agree with one another, but the spirit of active and thoughtful listening should be a part of every relationship inside each fellowship. Be approachable. Be kind. Listen to the thoughts and ideas of others. By doing so, you validate each one of them and show the spirit of godliness.
In all of our relationships, we want to be heard. And in all of our relationships, we need to hear others. There hasn't been a time in my life when people have more to say, and there also hasn't been a time in my life where people refuse to give consideration and kindness to the words of others. People are daily accusing others of things that are untrue. We often refuse to listen to reason and make unnecessary comments. Hear, listen and love knowing that even though we may not come to an agreement, we cared enough to listen. I wish the world were full of Aunt Caroles, and may I learn myself to be a lot more like her.
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear; slow to speak, slow to anger (James 1:19, ESV);
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice (Proverbs 12:15, ESV).
If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame (Proverbs 18:13, ESV).
Cease to hear instruction, my son, and you will stray from the words of knowledge (Proverbs 19:27, ESV).
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion (Proverbs 18:2, ESV).
Dear Heavenly Father, help us to really listen to others and not dismiss them without understanding. Your Word calls us fools when we do that, and so we humbly ask that You'll open our ears and our hearts. We thank You for always hearing us. It's in Your name we pray, Jesus, Amen!
Driving down the road today, I saw a billboard that spoke to me. Not really for what it was intended for, but it stood out all the same. I was driving to Hobby Lobby, (because who doesn't just love that store?), when I saw a sign urging us to have an emergency plan in place. The sign simply said : Don't wait. Communicate! Make your emergency plan. The sign featured a home in ruins, likely from storm or fire damage. It's a very practical call to speak with our families about safety plans before disaster strikes. What a great reminder, and one we should follow. I found this sign to be important and relevant- but my mind went to storms that are not as physical in nature.
American families today are the busiest they've ever been. Our kids play sports. Travel teams are all the rage- we want them to have the best training, but there is a cost. They dance. They play piano. We run them to gymnastics. There are countless school events we must attend. Social media wars for our attention. Many families have both parents working- building our careers demands time. Church responsibilities are important, and we try to attend each service or event. Dinner tables, with all family members present, are few and far between. We shove a million little things into each day, then collapse at the end; exhausted and disconnected from the most important things- our marriages, our families, and God. We simply don't have time anymore, and it's a heartbreaking trend.
People have asked me, "Ruth, what led to the breakdown of your marriage? What went wrong?" One of the most painful and surprising answers is this- we simply were too busy to properly communicate. This causes a disconnect that is easy to miss at first, but becomes increasingly dangerous over time. Can I urge you, dear friends and readers- invest in your families, invest in your children, but never at the expense of your marriage. It is vital to allow open spaces of time to just enjoy the company of your spouse. This is impossible if you cram your day full of activity.
If you're like the average American, you're likely swamped. You don't really have the time to enjoy with your spouse, the way you should. It sounds nice, but where can you squeeze that into your already full schedule? If there is one lesson my husband and I have learned in this phase of a restored marriage, it's learning to say no. We don't have to do everything. We don't need to be everywhere, at everything. Our kids don't have to do all the things. But what we do need, is to preserve "us". If we allow our communication to suffer, our marriage will suffer. So today, make an emergency plan. You don't want to be like that picture of a house destroyed. Today, in this moment, take every step possible to communicate regularly with your spouse and your children. Satan wishes to begin the process of destruction in our marriages- in fact, he may have already started with yours. What will you do about it? Don't turn a blind eye, and refuse to acknowledge the war against us. Say no. Stay home. Sit down together and just talk. Say, "I love you". Touch one another. Tear down the walls that you've built up from over-committing. It's war- one you can win, with God's help, and a simple plan to be available and engaged in one another's lives.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 ESV
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2 ESV
Do not toil to acquire wealth; be discerning enough to desist. Proverbs 23:4 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, forgive us for allowing so much into our lives, that we are putting our marriages, family and our relationship with You, in jeopardy. Equip us with the will to say "no", and invest in what really matters. Thank You, Father, for giving us our families, but give us wisdom in what we allow in them. It's so easy to fall into the trap Satan has laid out for our relationships, and find ourselves empty, dissatisfied and disconnected. Open our eyes, Lord, and may we really see the cost of our choices. In Your precious name we pray, Amen!
I'm sitting here this morning, a little sunburnt, and with a grateful heart, thinking of the holiday weekend spent with family. While I didn't feel well this past weekend (thanks to some mysterious orange pollen coating everything outside our home), I was so happy to be with the people I love the most. I promised to update occasionally on where we are, and how we are doing. It's been a couple months, so I wanted to post a little about what's going on with us. It's funny how we've been married almost 26 years next month, but this year has felt like a new beginning. One of the good things that came out of our marriage breaking, was the opportunity for a fresh start- correcting the things we had allowed to grow old and routine.
One of the biggest changes for us, is time spent together as a couple. Although we spent time together as a couple before, it had grown more into the process of elimination for it being just the two of us. With children that are young adults, it seems they often have their own plans, and it would end up just being the two of us for dinner or an evening out, by default. But how much better it is to make time for one another, regardless of what the kids are up to- choosing to spend an evening out together means a lot more than doing it because no one else was available. I will always be an encourager of this for any of my married friends, acquaintances, or readers. Please make the time to enjoy the company of your spouse. By doing this, you're investing in your marriage and the expense will be worth it.
We still continue to go to counseling every couple weeks. The sessions are a great time to work through any thoughts or feelings we may have, as well as learning new tools to work through issues that may arise. We recently faced a business trip back to the area of the affair, and I expected Satan to whisper words of doubt in my ear and heart as we were apart. But what I didn't expect, was a louder Voice that quieted my spirit, and my newfound faith in my husband to feel secure while he was away. This is the result of the work we are doing in rebuilding our relationship on a solid foundation- Jesus Christ. It is also the result of being able to openly share our thoughts without feeling unsure of how they will be received. I want to encourage you all to keep the doors of communication open in all areas of your marriage. Share what you think, and learn the art of careful listening to the thoughts of your partner- not to use the time they are talking to craft your own words or comeback!
Our life at home with our family is falling back into a pattern of normalcy. The awkwardness that once lived here is gone. While there is always room for improvement, we have spent time enjoying our kids and praying for them specifically each night together. We continue our morning and evening devotions and prayer, and I can't think of a more intimate way to share life and our marriage. In order for us to grow together, we need to keep growing individually. In what ways can you invest in personal growth, that will benefit your relationship or marriage? I need to have some good personal attributes to bring to the table, and I need to remove relationship killers like pride, selfishness, greed, a critical spirit, and other toxic behaviors.
Each day, I feel so thankful for a marriage being restored by God. It humbles me greatly to understand how much He values marriage- specifically my own. While my husband's affair used to take up a lot of residence in my brain, it is being removed a little more each day. His love and care for me, along with with the help of my Heavenly Father, is tearing away the barriers of distrust and fear. I'm not naive anymore to think we won't face further assaults from Satan, but I am relishing this new "us" that makes me feel hopeful, grateful, and a little mushy all over again. Keep praying for us, friends, that God will use our story in ways we never imagined, and that our hearts always feel as warm for one another, as they do today!
Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:19 ESV
But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 ESV
And though your beginning was small, your latter days will be very great. Job 8:7 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for the gifts You give me each day. I pray I'll never lose sight of the blessings I've received by Your hand. Help us to reach others that are hurt by broken marriages, and introduce them to the hope and healing You offer. Continue to strengthen us in our marriage, and others who are rebuilding theirs. Comfort those who weren't given the opportunity for restoration, and guide and help them in their own journeys. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!
There has been a lot of activity and hype surrounding our world for the past couple months. Good things, new things, and things that kept us busy and focused on plans we made together. We had my husband's amazing deliverance. We began spending time together again and dating. We planned his return home and our vow renewal celebration. We went on a cruise to celebrate our new beginning. We started counseling together. I have my very first book in editing with a publisher and expected release later this year. And now- life resumes to a new normal, and what's that like?
Well, I can tell you it isn't less busy. Life demands are still what they were- business busyness, commitments, writing, housework, church responsibility, family needs, and the list goes on. With a lot of the big stuff behind us, we now settle into this new season together- recommitted, and a little less crazy. Yes, life keeps us busy, but we don't want to lose the insight we gained from the past year and a half. I think one of the biggest lessons learned is learning to appreciate today. We've learned to see each step forward as a gift, one we don't take for granted. We try not to focus too much on yesterday, because the past can't be rewritten. And honestly, the past made for a better present, which is the best way I know to look at it.
We have goals. Goals to keep the lines of communication open. Goals to stay spiritually grounded. Goals to make each other a priority and spend time together each week as a couple. We want to explore life together- travel, study, build our businesses, learn more about one another. We want to build up our family and treasure these last years with kids home as well as look ahead at building our life around our empty nesting selves. We want to share our story with the world through our website, blogging and my book release this fall. We hope to help others that are hurting and in need of an understanding ear. And we want to share the best gift we have with those we encounter- our Faithful, Wonderful Heavenly Father.
The road to marriage recovery isn't short, and we know there will be obstacles ahead. Some days will be much easier than other days, but with a commitment to stick it out, talk it out, and serve one another, we believe in "us". Our foundation must be Jesus- the Author of grace, forgiveness and love. Please continue to pray for us as we press ahead, knowing our God is going to carry us through the good and the bad. And as we have each day since January 5th, we thank Him for His redemption of our marriage. Friends- never doubt the goodness of our God, for we can say with assurance, "God is good and His mercy endures forever!"
So that they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." Matthew 19:6 ESV
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12 ESV
And the LORD restored the fortunes of Job, when he had prayed for his friends. And the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before. Job 42:10 ESV
"For there is hope for a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that its shoots will not cease. Job 14:7 ESV
I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for being a Redeemer. You redeem lost souls, yes- but You also redeem marriages in ruin from sin. We look to You to guide us in all that is ahead, trusting You to lead us to Your good and perfect plan for us. In Jesus' precious name, Amen!
Sex is one of the most misused expressions of intimacy. Our world twists its meaning, capitalizes on it, and uses it to entice young and old alike. While it offers momentary pleasure, it often causes deep-seated pain. It steals, confuses, corrupts, and hurts. When misused, it often leads to heartache and brokenness. It can lead to paths of betrayal, abortion, disease, and addiction. We have distorted this gift, and used it in ways God never intended.
Who did He create sex for? This made me think of kids and young adults, and how they think it's gross to know their parents have sex- and yet, it was created for married people. God made sex as an expression of love between a husband and wife. If we are Christians and want to live a life that pleases God, scripture is clear that it was intended only inside of marriage. If you're single, dating, or engaged- God says not yet. He doesn't hold it back from us to punish or deprive us, He holds it back because He knows the pain and heartache it can cause. He says, "not yet" because He cares for us, and knows better than we do. And so, we should simply honor His Word and trust Him while we wait.
What about sex inside of marriage? It shouldn't be given as a reward for good behavior, much like it shouldn't be withheld as punishment for bad behavior. It should be liberally enjoyed to express our love in feeling and action. We can say, "I love you" with words, but with sex, we show our love in a unique, beautiful way. God didn't only create it with procreation in mind, He knew it would be something we would crave and enjoy. Some days, we feel more intimate and loving than others, but regularly expressing our love in this way is healthy and builds a marriage up. Don't deprive one another when it comes to sex, it opens the door to sin and betrayal. I also challenge every married person not to look outside of your spouse for sexual fulfillment. It's always wrong, it always leads to trouble, and it always causes pain and heartache.
If you aren't married, and find yourself compromising when it comes to sex, consider studying God's Word on the subject. It's never too late to decide to save it for marriage. You may have done it wrong in the past, but with God, He always gives us opportunity to be obedient and start fresh. If you are married, make it a regular part of your communication. Be thankful for this unique gift God has given us- and enjoy it with your spouse. Make time for it, and don't allow distractions and an overfilled schedule to stand in the way of intimacy. Talk about what you need from your spouse, and learn to know what your spouse needs from you. If you're still in the "not yet" phase of life, as the saying goes- good things come to those who wait.
Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 1 Corinthians 6:18 ESV
So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:22 ESV
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 1 Corinthians 7:3 ESV
Let the marriage bed be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4 ESV
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for this gift- one we often misuse and abuse and in the process, we hurt not only others, but ourselves as well. Help us to be strong and exercise self-control, knowing that when we are sexually pure, we honor You. Help me treasure this gift, and remember Your purposes in it. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
When it comes to being awkward, I take the cake. I often blurt out things people usually think, but don't say. Ask my people, and they will tell you it's true;) It isn't about being mean, it's about my mouth working before my brain catches up! And other times, it's my social nervousness that causes me to lose my cool for a sentence or two. Not that I claim to be cool, but you get the point. But around my family and friends, I don't feel awkward, so it was strange to suddenly feel awkward around my husband of 25 years!
I've known him practically my whole life. We have spent most of our days and nights right there with one another. I know all his quirks, and he knows mine. And if I were honest, I have more quirks than he does. I can tell you where he has scars, and what his favorite teams are. I know he loves white birthday cake, with white buttercream frosting. I know his shoe size, pet peeves, and the smell of his cologne. But when he left me, I felt uncomfortable around this man I knew so well, and loved so long. Who in the world is this person that did this to me? My best friend became a stranger in many ways.
If you have experienced this, you know what I am talking about. What do you say to this person? How do you act? I had no idea, and so I was most comfortable when he wasn't in my presence. When he would come by the house, my heart would beat fast and I needed gallons of water for my dry mouth. I found it hard to look him in the eyes, and I felt unsure of myself around him. What do you do when you find yourself here? I found that a very difficult thing to deal with.
Conversations had to happen. Issues had to be discussed. Communication was necessary, as we shared children, finances, and a home. In my situation, we did most of our communicating initially over text message. But little by little, we gained the courage to talk face to face. Doing this was painful at first, but became a little less awkward with time. Each time I found out he had been unfaithful, I started back at zero. This was a tumultuous time inside my head and heart. I would feel hopeful, and then crushed.
In this difficult time, I have no doubt I would have been lost without my Anchor in the Storm. If I needed courage, I prayed for it, and received it. When I was afraid, I spoke to Him, and knew He heard me. When I was angry, He calmed my spirit. When I was skeptical, I was reassured of His love for me. And when I was brokenhearted, He showed me a love I was desperate for. Around my Savior, there was never awkwardness, just love and acceptance. Infidelity is uncomfortable, no matter which way you look at it. It hurts people deeply, and causes great pain. But we have One we can take all of our feelings and insecurities to, and know He accepts us, and loves us. He will never hurt or betray us, and in Him, we can rest in absolute peace and comfort.
Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant. Psalm 119:76 ESV
This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. Psalm 119:50 ESV
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 ESV
The LORD is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him. Nahum 1:7 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, this is a messy situation, and one that causes me heartache and pain. Give me courage and peace when I am with my spouse, and also when I am not. Give me direction and guide me each day. I thank You for Your love and comfort, and for always making me feel accepted in You. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen!
I am a mama bear when it comes to my babies. My babies really aren't babies- they are in their early 20's, but to me, they will always be my babies. If you hurt them, it hurts me more. I would walk through fire for them, and slay dragons for them, if they existed. I don't like to see them disappointed or hurt, and most parents feel the same way.
One of Satan's biggest lies, regarding separation and divorce, is that it's better for the kids this way. Unless we are talking an abusive relationship, I don't buy that lie. I witnessed the change in my children, and the devastating effect it had on them- and it wasn't for the better. Their security was shattered, their role model was tarnished, and their lives were forever changed by infidelity.
My kids grew up in a home centered on Jesus, and the principles of God's Word. They were told from the earliest age that we would always be together, and they didn't have to worry about divorce in our home. We told them we were 100% committed to one another, and would always remain that way. So they didn't worry- it wasn't in the cards for our family. They saw their friends families broken, but never feared it would happen to us. So when it did, it was completely unexpected, and an absolute shock.
Our children are a gift to us. They look up to us, and a stable upbringing is so important for a healthy mind. I will never forget the looks on the faces of our kids when they were told by their dad he was choosing to leave. If I could stop right here, and just reach out to any reader that may be on the side of having an affair- PLEASE COUNT THE COST! And for any other reader- GUARD YOUR MARRIAGE, PLEASE! Infidelity causes so much pain, and steals so much, from so many.
While there is a lot of brokenness in our family and home, we serve a God of restoration. If you are a christian, you've witnessed how He changed you when He brought you out of darkness, into His light. This same God can do this with marriages, and families. He can't do it without our cooperation, but apart from Him, I have no doubt we would remain broken. Relationships have to be rebuilt, and trust and respect will be a process. While I am a fan of quick fixes, there isn't one for a home assaulted by infidelity.
While a quick fix isn't possible, a long term solution is. In Him, there is always hope when we are willing. If you are both willing, the first key is to have God at the center of all that is ahead. If you try to use any substitute for the Holy Spirit, the results will be lacking. Be there for your kids as a safe place to share feelings, and give them love and support. Encourage counseling and foster an open line of communication with them. While we will at times fail our kids as parents, our Heavenly Father never will. We have the perfect example in Him, and the perfect Parent. We will fall short of His example, but with His guidance, and our obedience to Him, we can repair what was broken. It may never be the same, but there is a possibility for something better- and only God can do that.
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Psalm 127:3 ESV
Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, Titus 2:7 ESV
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 ESV
"Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me? Jeremiah 32:27 ESV
You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again. Psalm 71:20-21
Dear Heavenly Father, help our children who are hurting from our choices, and those of our spouses. Help us to be there for them, and show them unconditional love and support. Give healing and restoration, as only You can. I thank You for the precious gift of our children. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
