Accepting Disappointments in Life

 I was in eleventh grade and I liked this guy. I was sure he could be the one for me. He was nice, loved God, and was easy on the eyes. I prayed about him, and waited. I waited a while longer, and prayed a little more. The days passed and then the months passed, and it still didn't happen. Next thing I knew, he had a serious girlfriend, and it wasn't going to happen. Freshman year of college-the same scene played out in my heart. I liked him, I hoped for him, but no matter what I prayed, or how long I waited, it just didn't happen. My heart was bruised and I was disappointed, yet God held out longer still before my soul mate would be revealed. My friends all seemed to be dating, and I remained unhappily single. 

I can go back to my late 20's and see a similar situation play out in my life once again. All I ever really wanted was to be a wife and a mom. God finally had given me my long awaited love, but I was still waiting to be a mother. My first pregnancy ended in a surgery room. What was left of my baby was removed as my heart was shattered in a million pieces. I had longed for that child. I had prayed for that child, yet God didn't allow me to parent my first little one-nor did He allow my second baby to safely live until delivery. My heart once again faced severe disappointment as I waited for its desire to be granted. 

Elusive love and delayed motherhood are just some of the disappointments I've faced in life. I've had my writing material rejected, I've been passed over for projects I hoped to work on, I've had dreams that fizzled and died, and I've lost friends and family members I prayed would make it through. I've watched my husband walk out the door, devastating my heart in ways nothing else could. The truth is, life can be really hard, and if we aren't prepared for those disappointing seasons, we won't be able to stand firm when they hit us like a ton of bricks.

One of the hardest truths out there is realizing that just because I'm God's child, I'm not promised an easy path. In fact, we are told in scripture that if we are His children, we will experience heartache and pain. Just as we discipline our own kids in order that they will mature and grow into responsible adults who contribute well to society, God disciplines us in order to make us grow and mature into children He can use for His kingdom work. Withholding discipline from us would result in lazy children-children unwilling and unable to fulfill our spiritual purposes. 

Looking back now behind me, I can see how many of my disappointments were for my own good. Had I been given the first guy I prayed for, I would not have the privilege of the love God gave me in my husband. And that guy? He wandered from God and did not live a life of spiritual purpose and usefulness. I can now see God's hand of protection in denying the prayers of my young heart. And while I did not get to mother my first two children, I can see how God placed a more tender love in my heart for the two He did allow me to mother. I clearly see the gift in being their mom, and my heart was softened toward my two blessings in ways I can't put into words. 

Maybe life isn't going the way you wish today. Your heart may be struggling with rejection. You may have been led along and then painfully dumped. You may be waiting for motherhood, wondering why God is holding out. Your heart may be shattered by infidelity or abuse. You may be grappling with a diagnosis that doesn't seem fair, and God seems so far away. Our world is broken, and it's not possible to live here and not have the cost of sin touch our lives. But we are given a promise as God's children-we are never, ever, ever alone. We are not forgotten. He always hears our prayers. He always loves us and because He does, He will allow painful things to transform us from being "self-focused" to "God-focused." 

Disappointments are part of life-it's true. But when we look at them as being an integral part of refinement, we can better accept that we must face disappointment if we are to grow. And we will not grow the way God wants us to, if we despise our disappointments and blame God for not giving us what we wanted. We would be like spoiled kids, mad that we didn't get our way, even when our way isn't what's best for us. We won't have all the answers this side of eternity-some disappointments may never make sense here. But when we understand that our God is a good God, then we have to trust Him even when we don't get it. So whatever you're battling today, hold on to the promise that God is doing something good through your disappointing circumstances. He has a better plan, and we don't always need to understand it-we just need to be willing to allow Him to work His good purposes through us. 

Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10, ESV).

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world (John 16:33, ESV)."

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6, ESV).

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (1 Thessalonians 5:18, ESV).

Dear heavenly Father, forgive me for how often I long for my own way, despising Yours. Disappointments will come, and when they do, help me to remember that even when my heart is hurting, You will bring about good through my obedience to Your plan and purpose for me. In Your name we pray, Amen!

When You Don't Speak the Same Love Language

     I'm going to guess that most couples speak their love in different ways. Dr. Gary Chapman teaches about five love languages—ways we demonstrate our love for our spouse. Some give their time, so the language they speak to show their love is quality time. Some are very touchy people—they show their love by touches, hugs, kisses, and sexual intimacy. Some love to give gifts—they shower their spouse with flowers, jewelry, shoes, golf clubs, candy or whatever he/she loves the most. Their language is giving gifts. Then we have those who like to do things for their spouse—they pick up the kids, vacuum the carpet, run to the store, fix the leaky faucet, or any number of ways to lend a helping hand. These are people who speak love in forms of service. Last, we have those who say the good stuff—they shower with compliments, offer praise, speak thankfulness and affirm through their words that they love you. 
     Since opposites attract, our primary love language is likely not going to match up with our spouse. While learning the language of your spouse is of value, what if they just don't? What if you long to be loved in the same way you speak love? Are you unloved if your spouse is trying to show their love by vacuuming for you, when you show yours by giving him back rubs and kisses? The answer is no, but it can unsettle us when their language doesn't match our needs.
     I'm going to be honest here—my husband and I don't speak the same love language. He shows his love by spending time with me and doing things for me. I show my love for him by my words. I'm comfortable with words and don't mind speaking what's on my heart. He's comfortable sitting beside me and enjoying time spent together. Do I long for flowery speech and mushy notes? Of course I do, and sometimes he does fall onto my planet of affirming words. But on days when they don't come, what then? Did he forget how to love me?
     I think it's important to look for love in any healthy form that it's offered. It's wise to know the different ways love is expressed and accept that sometimes, it's spoken in ways we don't use to express it ourselves. I could choose to feel unloved when I am not hearing things like, "you are my world—the best thing that ever happened to me." Or, "you're the most beautiful woman." And if I make that choice, I'm missing the love he is speaking into the countless hours he puts aside to spend with me—eating a meal out, riding around running errands, asking me to accompany him on business trips, or even just hitting our local gym together. And I could also miss his love when he works long hours to provide for me to have a really comfortable life.
     Are there ways your spouse is speaking love to you that you may be missing? Are you guilty of feeling unloved or unappreciated because they speak love differently than you? I know I have been guilty of that. Rather than feeling discouraged and disappointed, start looking for ways your spouse is trying to demonstrate their love to you. I think you may be surprised at how much love they are showing that you may be missing because you are waiting for something more familiar—your language. If your spouse learns your language and speaks it fluently, that's great. But if they do not, don't assume you aren't valued and loved. God creates some of us with the gift of words, some affectionate, and some with hearts that want to please with their helping hand. He makes us all different—we will always be a blend of two very different people learning to love in our own unique way. 
     Satan wants us to be unsatisfied with our spouse. He wants marriages to fail. He wants us to feel unloved and unhappy with what we have. He loves discontentment—it's where he begins to dismantle our marriages. He speaks lies promising something much better—much more pleasing than your own spouse. Don't listen to him. Instead, love your spouse selflessly. Don't expect them to meet your every need—only God can do that. And often when we love the way God loves us, without expectations, we will receive love in ways that will humble us, encourage us, and open our eyes to the gift we've been given in our spouse. My prayer today, is that you find you've been loved all along, even when the language is foreign to you. 

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7 (ESV)
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. John 13:34 (ESV)
We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19 (ESV)
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, it can be easy to complain and feel unloved when our spouse doesn't speak our love language. Help us rather than feel disappointed and unloved, to look for ways they may be speaking love differently than we do. And always help me remember the perfect love You have for me. In Your name I pray, Jesus, Amen!