I have a pretty vivid memory when it comes to unwanted life situations. When we pass through things that are difficult, they are often referred to as "fiery trials". Passing through fire means we will experience painful burns- burns that are hard to erase from our memories, and likely have value in being remembered for the lessons they hopefully taught us. My mind goes back to one particular season of emotional pain- a time of separation from my husband following an affair. While I'm close to celebrating my fiftieth birthday, no season was more painful than those two years.
For many months throughout that period of time, I struggled against acceptance. While I remained close to the Lord out of a desperation for comfort and help, I still despised my circumstance. "Why me?", I would ask Him. I would scan through my past actions, looking for a reason, wanting to know why this was part of my life's story. Most days, I felt it was an injustice to my "good girl" persona. I felt jilted- not only by my husband, but by God. I plodded along with these feelings for quite some time, and then there was a turning point that is emblazoned in my memory.
After my husband left home for the second time within the course of one year, I was heartbroken, yet relieved. God was still working on him, and at this point, I knew I had to wait until He broke him. But that's another story for another time. My turning point looked like this: a heaping mess face down on the floor of my bedroom trusting the Spirit to make the right words from my heart for the Father. I had to come to the point of surrender that for now, this was the reality that God allowed to touch my life, so He must have a purpose in it. He isn't cruel. He isn't without intention. And so I simply had to come to the point of surrender and acceptance that even though I didn't like it, somehow and some way, God would make it right.
Maybe you're up against a circumstance today that you don't want to be a part of your life journey. Life doesn't look like you wished it did today. So many of us are experiencing Covid related disappointments. Separations from those we love. Inability to worship collectively. Financial struggles and job loss. Small businesses closing the doors permanently as lifelong dreams die. Postponed weddings. Separations from loved ones suffering an illness or celebrating the birth of a new baby. It's not supposed to be this way, we think to ourselves. Why is God allowing this to happen to me?
Life is going to have its share of disappointments. Things won't always go the way we wish they did. But how are you responding in those moments? Are you accepting them, trusting that God will bring good from them? Do you really believe He has purpose, for His good plans- even in this? Are you straining against what is, and wishing for what you really wanted? In these painful moments, God is looking for not only surrender, but acceptance. And from acceptance, the hope that joy is still possible- even if things don't work out my way.
God has lessons in our seasons of waiting. He wants us to trust Him when things are a mess. He wants us to serve Him, even when our hearts are hurting. He wants us to love Him, even when we are in that fire- and especially then. Whatever you may be experiencing today that wasn't a part of your plan in life- may you learn to surrender and accept what is. Pray for His will in your situation, and even when it doesn't measure up with your will, trust that He knows what He's doing. And never stop believing that around the bend, He has good things for you. And He hopes you'll be willing to use those burns to reach others who are walking the same fire as you.
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5 (ESV)
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 (ESV)
Dear heavenly Father, life can be so hard somedays. Situations and circumstances come along that cause worry, pain and fear. Help us to trust You, even when things look out of control and completely different than we envisioned. Help us to surrender and accept what You allow in our lives, trusting You have good plans for us. In Your name we pray, Amen!
I'm going to guess that most couples speak their love in different ways. Dr. Gary Chapman teaches about five love languages—ways we demonstrate our love for our spouse. Some give their time, so the language they speak to show their love is quality time. Some are very touchy people—they show their love by touches, hugs, kisses, and sexual intimacy. Some love to give gifts—they shower their spouse with flowers, jewelry, shoes, golf clubs, candy or whatever he/she loves the most. Their language is giving gifts. Then we have those who like to do things for their spouse—they pick up the kids, vacuum the carpet, run to the store, fix the leaky faucet, or any number of ways to lend a helping hand. These are people who speak love in forms of service. Last, we have those who say the good stuff—they shower with compliments, offer praise, speak thankfulness and affirm through their words that they love you.
Since opposites attract, our primary love language is likely not going to match up with our spouse. While learning the language of your spouse is of value, what if they just don't? What if you long to be loved in the same way you speak love? Are you unloved if your spouse is trying to show their love by vacuuming for you, when you show yours by giving him back rubs and kisses? The answer is no, but it can unsettle us when their language doesn't match our needs.
I'm going to be honest here—my husband and I don't speak the same love language. He shows his love by spending time with me and doing things for me. I show my love for him by my words. I'm comfortable with words and don't mind speaking what's on my heart. He's comfortable sitting beside me and enjoying time spent together. Do I long for flowery speech and mushy notes? Of course I do, and sometimes he does fall onto my planet of affirming words. But on days when they don't come, what then? Did he forget how to love me?
I think it's important to look for love in any healthy form that it's offered. It's wise to know the different ways love is expressed and accept that sometimes, it's spoken in ways we don't use to express it ourselves. I could choose to feel unloved when I am not hearing things like, "you are my world—the best thing that ever happened to me." Or, "you're the most beautiful woman." And if I make that choice, I'm missing the love he is speaking into the countless hours he puts aside to spend with me—eating a meal out, riding around running errands, asking me to accompany him on business trips, or even just hitting our local gym together. And I could also miss his love when he works long hours to provide for me to have a really comfortable life.
Are there ways your spouse is speaking love to you that you may be missing? Are you guilty of feeling unloved or unappreciated because they speak love differently than you? I know I have been guilty of that. Rather than feeling discouraged and disappointed, start looking for ways your spouse is trying to demonstrate their love to you. I think you may be surprised at how much love they are showing that you may be missing because you are waiting for something more familiar—your language. If your spouse learns your language and speaks it fluently, that's great. But if they do not, don't assume you aren't valued and loved. God creates some of us with the gift of words, some affectionate, and some with hearts that want to please with their helping hand. He makes us all different—we will always be a blend of two very different people learning to love in our own unique way.
Satan wants us to be unsatisfied with our spouse. He wants marriages to fail. He wants us to feel unloved and unhappy with what we have. He loves discontentment—it's where he begins to dismantle our marriages. He speaks lies promising something much better—much more pleasing than your own spouse. Don't listen to him. Instead, love your spouse selflessly. Don't expect them to meet your every need—only God can do that. And often when we love the way God loves us, without expectations, we will receive love in ways that will humble us, encourage us, and open our eyes to the gift we've been given in our spouse. My prayer today, is that you find you've been loved all along, even when the language is foreign to you.
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7 (ESV)
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. John 13:34 (ESV)
We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19 (ESV)
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 (ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, it can be easy to complain and feel unloved when our spouse doesn't speak our love language. Help us rather than feel disappointed and unloved, to look for ways they may be speaking love differently than we do. And always help me remember the perfect love You have for me. In Your name I pray, Jesus, Amen!
If you have had a serious break-up, or your marriage faced an affair or another serious issue, you probably remember Valentine's Day in that time period. I dreaded it from the day he walked out the door. Sadly, I only had about six weeks before the day was upon me. For 24 years, we had enjoyed this day together. We always got each other a sappy card, a gift, and enjoyed a dinner date out to celebrate. It was a special day of celebrating our love, and I had always looked forward to it.
But 2/14/18 wasn't like that. It was sad and awkward. If I could have somehow slept through it without waking until 2/15, that would've been great, but that wasn't really fair to my kids, or possible. The day before, I remember getting a text from my husband that it would be a difficult day for us, and I knew that for me, that was definitely true. I missed our traditions, and I missed what was.
The great thing about friends and family is they don't let you go through it alone. My house ended up looking like a florist shop. Between my kids and my nieces and nephews and friends, I had multiple vases of flowers, giant teddy bears, more chocolate than I should have considered eating (but did), balloons and cards. And I loved each sentiment from those who cared so much for me that they made sure I felt loved on that day. What a wonderful network of people I have- people that love me and show their love by words and actions.
And as lovely as all that was, in the quiet of my heart was a searing sadness that no flower or card could ever fill. And it's in these moments that my Heavenly Father literally carried me through. He loves me at my best, and He loves me at my worst. I can't ever do anything so terrible that I would lose His love for me. His love is faithful and pure, and has no ulterior motives. He IS love, and He reminded me of this truth through the love of others, and words in scripture. He whispered words of love and hope in my heart when I desperately needed it, and I will be forever grateful for Him.
The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:17 ESV
The LORD appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. Jeremiah 31:3 ESV
So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 1 John 4:16 ESV
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whosoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for Your faithful love for me. Nothing I can ever do would make You choose to stop loving me. Help me to love others the way You love me. I am thankful, Father, for those that stepped in to show me Your love in my time of need. Help me to do that for others the rest of my days, In Your name I pray, Amen!
When I was a little girl, I had some pretty big pipe dreams about life. In my mind's eye, everything went great. There were no bumps in the road, and no seasons filled with pain or sorrow. I had fairy tale ideas of what marriage was like. And to be honest, most of my thoughts of marriage centered on the wedding. Most of us girls dream about being a bride, and wearing the fancy dress and planning a beautiful day. But marriage is about so much more than a wedding, and as Hollywood can attest, many fall apart afterwards because we believe the wedding day is our grand crescendo.
While a wedding is a special day, and one to celebrate, it's no finale- rather, it's the beginning of learning to serve. It's putting myself after the needs of my spouse, and learning selflessness over selfishness. We don't see these things when we are young and eager to be with our person 24/7; we see with rose-colored glasses. If we could see what would follow, would we pick a different version of our life, if it were possible?
I've thought of this often, since my husband's affair. Would I wish for a different life story- one that is easier, and less painful? Would I choose a path that was absent of heartache and loss? Would I wish my husband out of my story? And even in the darkest days of my marriage, the answer is no. I wouldn't pick a different story or a different life. If you have lived a fairly easy life, you are missing out on knowing a lot about God. You won't know how He redeems our pain, and turns it into something beautiful. You won't know how closely He walks us through our darkest valleys. You won't feel the comfort of His whispers to your wounded spirit. And you won't know how good it feels to feel His blessings after pain.
If you have been betrayed in your marriage by an affair, I pray you'll use it to reach others that are hurting. I pray you'll be willing to share your story with someone who needs to hear the hope you have experienced. God doesn't orchestrate any form of sin or pain in our lives, but He does want to use it when we experience it. He wants us to use it to bring glory to Him. And the more that we allow that to happen, and use our story to help others, the more our own season of pain will heal. This is how He will take our most difficult seasons, and redeem them! So I'm thankful for my life story, and I pray that through it, I will have the opportunity to reach others for good, and His glory!
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18 ESV
For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:3-4 ESV
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for the version of my life that I'm living. It isn't the easiest, but through those hard times, I've witnessed You in ways I never would have without those trials. I thank You for redeeming pain, and for allowing situations that will bring help and hope to others who are suffering. Help me to have the courage to share my story, and not be ashamed. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
I am one that finds change unsettling. I like familiar. I don't find bumps in the road exciting, most of the time. I like my routines- not that I don't like vacations from routine, but there is comfort in doing the same things. Familiar feels safe and soothing, while unexpected jolts can be frightening and worrisome.
While I know there are never guarantees for tomorrow, I still have dreams of my future. I think it's normal and healthy to prepare for what is ahead, and when I see myself years down the road, I had a vision. I saw my husband and I celebrating the weddings of our children, hand in hand. I could see grandbabies, and the joy they would bring us. I envisioned trips to Grandma and Grandpa's house, and all the spoiling we would do, together. I saw bucket list trips we would enjoy in our later years, when the kids were gone, and it was quieter around here. I saw years of caring for one another, and serving our Lord together. But I never imagined this wouldn't be so- by choice.
I understand that my future vision could change from an accident or illness. But what I didn't see, was that it could be altered from a failure to commit. I never looked into my golden years, seeing all of this unfold as separate entities- my life, and his life. And yet, when an affair presented itself, I was no longer certain of what could be. I envisioned all of those future events with tension. How would we act towards one another? How would we learn to have a new relationship, outside of marriage? These were not things I enjoyed thinking of, and prayed that somehow, God will enable me to have the strength to live whatever He had for me, faithfully.
Life often presents us with "different", doesn't it? We are going along our merry way, and BAM- we get hit with unexpected twists and turns we weren't anticipating. Some changes are good, and exciting, and others bring us heartache and pain. I find such comfort in the faithfulness of God. He is with me today, and whatever tomorrow presents, He will be there as well. While we can't know exactly what our future holds, we can know He will meet us there. Life isn't predictable. But I am ever grateful for a God who is unchanging! So as I look ahead at my future, I can release the tension I feel at the unknown, and trust that He will lovingly care for all that is ahead for me!
But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15 ESV
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV
Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds. Psalm 36:5 ESV
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, while I can feel afraid at times, at what lies ahead, help me to remember that You will meet me there. I never have to fear that You will leave me, or let me down. No matter what comes my way, You are faithfully with me- loving, guarding, guiding and protecting. Thank You for your faithfulness to me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
When love is new and exciting, you can't imagine a day you won't feel that way. You get that fluttery feeling in your stomach when they touch you. You can't wait to see them after even a short time apart. They are always in your mind, and you often can't focus well on anything but them. This is love. But it's only part of love, and not what we will experience every day with our spouse.
Relationships grow, and we marry our love. Life settles in and the real life pressures begin to come back into our focus. We had been so busy with dating, and then wedding plans, that we weren't very focused on what else is going on around us. Work demands our focus. Responsibility piles up with owning a home, and paying bills. The grass keeps growing and it keeps needing cut. School loans mature. Pets that seemed cute to start our lives together with, have health issues, and require a lot more commitment and time than we anticipated. Sweet babies enter the scene, and our time alone together vanishes. Wife is busy with the kids, and husband is busy with his career. Tensions begin to escalate as we enter the full phase of family life.
It's interesting how different men and women are at our base level. Men are generally career and goal oriented, while women are more nurturing and loving by nature. How can two polar opposites function perfectly together? The truth is, they can't, and that is okay. God created us differently to compliment one another. But as we go along in life, we begin to see these differences as big problems that we are sure, others don't have. And we begin to doubt.
And one day, a very foolish thing comes across our minds- I don't love my spouse anymore. Some people process this in a more healthy way, and realize that we all feel "out of love" with our spouse from time to time. Others assume this is the end of a marriage, and call it quits. In our case, it led to an affair. Marriage kind of love is a choice- and not built on romantic love. There will be days I don't feel hopelessly in love with my spouse, and what I do with that is vital to a healthy marriage. While we need to put effort into maintaining our romantic love, we also need to remember our vow to love our spouse- regardless of my feelings and conditions.
Love is from God- and He is the essence of love. He is the only One that will perfectly love us at all times. Sadly, we won't return the favor, because we are selfish in nature. Our marriages are to be patterned after Christ's love for us- without condition. If we truly love one another like He loves, we will be wise enough to stay in the fight for our marriages. I remember the promises I made to my husband almost 26 years ago, and I know this- love is a choice, and I choose to love him, even on the hardest of days, because this is the love God has shown to me.
With humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, Ephesians 4:2 ESV
"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. John 15:12 ESV
Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8 ESV
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, help me remember that love is a choice. I won't always feel romantic love for my spouse, but I will choose to love anyways. I thank You for the pattern of love You have shown us- a love full of grace and compassion. Your love has nothing to do with merit, and everything to do with choice. And so I will also choose to love Your way. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
