He was perfect- well, almost perfect. After a few months of dating, she liked most of what she saw. He had manners- he held the door for her, held her hand to cross the street, and always said "sir" or "ma'am" when speaking to her parents. He dressed nice. He took her to great restaurants and he made good money. His apartment was clean and neat. He was handsome. But he did have a habit of flirting with other women. Oh- and he had a mean streak that only occasionally came to the surface. Nothing out of hand- just mildly concerning. These were easily pushed away in light of all that he did right. She had confidence that in time, she would change him.
Naive, yes- but this happens every day. We know how the story goes from here. She won't change him. She will end up being hurt and disillusioned. And she will wonder how this happened to her. The thing is- we can't change people, only God can do that. But on a smaller scale, we still often fall into this trap of believing we can change someone. We try to use influence to do it. We try to nag them into change. And we may even try to use control to change someone. In the end, we will be frustrated and upset that our efforts weren't successful.
Friends, we must not be naive. If you are in the market for a serious relationship, don't expect perfection, but seriously consider any red flag warnings. If you see something that causes concern, address it now. Seldom is someone radically changed for the better by a spouse seeking to change them, but God does this kind of work every day in people from all walks of life. Take the Apostle Paul- a man who is responsible for killing many christians in cruel ways for their faith. God completely transformed him and he became one of the most influential preachers of all time! In the end, he lost his own life for his unshakeable faith in Jesus Christ.
Our spouse will never be perfect, and in reality, neither are we. We will have habits and characteristics that irritate one another. We may wish they were neater, funnier, more adventuresome or less impulsive. We may think they should be more romantic or have better manners. The thing is- we will never find someone that does nothing that bothers us. Instead of trying to change our spouse, we need to accept them- love them, and pray for any changes we hope to see. It's okay to kindly bring up a two-way discussion of changes you would both like to see- together. However, it's not good or right to nag them about the little things you don't like, or use ways to manipulate change.
If your spouse is using behaviors that cause you not just irritation, but concern- these are areas that need addressed. Often, the best people to help with this are trained professionals that counsel couples or individuals. Prayer is a powerful tool as well in these situations, as God can do what others cannot- He changes hearts and minds in a life-changing way. But you must accept that some behaviors are not going to be changed by you. They are simply too big for you to handle- but there is nothing too big for God to handle. When we truly grasp this truth, it frees us from the impossible responsibility of thinking we can change our spouse. Often, the best way to see real changes for the better in our spouse, begin with changing ourselves. What areas can you make improvements in your own life that will in turn, enrich your marriage? Why not start there, and see what God does for the two of you!
***the couple in this blog post is strictly fictional, and in no way reflects the character of my own husband.
An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge. Proverbs 18:15 (ESV)
Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way. Proverbs 19:2 (ESV)
Who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. Philippians 3:21 (ESV)
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10 (ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for changing us- for radically transforming our lives. We pray that You will give us wisdom with others- to know You are the God of change, and we are not in control. Give us wisdom and guidance in our relationships, and help us to recognize that often, change should begin in our own hearts. In Your name we pray, Lord Jesus, Amen!
I used to wonder when I heard of couples that got back together after an affair, what their secret was. Was it an improved physical appearance that the unfaithful spouse just couldn't resist? Was it the leverage of having history, kids together and a unique understanding of one another? Was there pouting involved or maybe finally standing up for oneself in an aggressive manner? Was it just an obligation, because I never wanted to be an obligation.
What ultimately would bring my own husband back to me? I tried quite a few things initially, to my embarrassment. How foolish of me to think I could win my husband back, because that's just the thing- you can't! I know this question will likely be posed to me from hurting people who want to believe their efforts will make the difference, and I will have to tell them what I've learned through our own story. You can try to lose twenty pounds, dye your hair blonde, find an interesting hobby, threaten self-harm- whatever it is you can think up, and it just won't work.
One of the biggest lessons I learned is the affair wasn't about me. It wasn't something I could change, and changing myself wouldn't ultimately make the difference. If there were some hidden secret I could share with you, I would certainly share it, but there just isn't. The bottom line is the outcome of my marriage was completely out of my hands, but thank God it wasn't out of His. You may be a prayer skeptic, and if you are, had you walked the past year in my shoes, you would no longer be skeptical. In theory, my marriage was done- finished, over. How I longed for something different, but all I had were prayers and hope that whatever God brought along would be the very best.
I can tell you this- manipulating, yelling, threatening and being vengeful will not reap good results. Instead, pray for your broken spouse and wait to see what God will do. It isn't a conquest, but it is a battle. I think the thing to remember here is that the battle isn't between you and your spouse- the battle is between your spouse and God. I remember getting to the point where I realized it was not in my hands at all- nothing I could do would make a difference. And in that moment, all I had left was faith- but knowing Who my faith was grounded in made all the difference. Can you win your spouse back, and would you really want to? He says He fights my battles, and so I let Him.
The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." Exodus 14:14 ESV
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. Mark 11:24 ESV
And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him. 1 John 5:14-15 ESV
If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. John 15:7 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for fighting my battles. Without You, my marriage would have been over- I had no power in its outcome. I thank You for not only hearing our prayers, but faithfully answering them. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
