Recovery Is Possible

Most days I forget the pain of the past. I can make it through the whole day without thinking once about where we were a few years ago, and how it forever changed me. But some days I remember. Some days, I look at myself and I'm amazed that with God's help, I survived-our marriage survived! So my blog post today is for any who may be going through a really difficult situation in your marriage, or even in your own life that seems impossible to make it through. God seems far away and you feel uncertain and skeptical that your heart will feel joy again. Your days are filled with fear, sadness and discouragement. You feel you'll never smile again, and your heart will never heal. If that's you-I want to encourage you to have hope that better days are ahead for you. It may seem like I speak empty words in this season for you, but I know-I've been there. I want to promise you that God can restore your broken heart. I want to whisper words that will allow you to believe, today, that healing will come for you. It won't mean you'll be the person you used to be, and if you really think about it, do you want to be?

I remember it as clear as if it were yesterday. I sat in my counselor's office, leaning forward on that couch and with a pained heart, I asked her, "how long? How long will it take for healing?" She told me that the average amount of time was right around two years. But she also told me that some parts of infidelity would forever change my reaction in certain situations. She truthfully told me that I would never return to the exact woman I used to be. She stressed how important it was for both partners to actively do their part in the recovery process if our marriage had a chance to heal from the affair. Weeks later, I was joined by my husband in therapy, and we began formulating our own recovery plan. The road ahead would be difficult, but we knew that we were following God's plan in our decision, and that with His help, we had a really good shot at this. 

Whatever you're up against, don't forget that God is in it with you. I often wonder how people make it through big life obstacles without His help, comfort, wisdom, and guidance. I look at the broken woman I was back in the worst of it, but on closer inspection, I can see how God was actively using others to help restore my hope and my joy. He hugged me through the arms of other believers. I can see how His Word spoke life and hope into my wounded heart. I needed almost constant reassurance from Him, and He provided each and every time. That same God is with you, too. He longs to carry your burden for you. He wants to heal us-He really cares! We read of many He healed physically, emotionally, and spiritually in the New Testament, and we see evidence of His faithful healing all around us still today. Even yet-we often doubt it will happen for us. We long for it, but our hearts feel skeptical. 

My marriage is just one example in a long thread of answered prayers in my life. God doesn't always heal in the ways we ask for. But even when He says "no", recovery is possible when we realize He understands a bigger picture than what we could ever see or comprehend. While I am forever changed in many ways, I am also truly recovering. I am living proof that God is a Healer of the brokenhearted. It won't happen overnight because there are lessons to learn in the broken places of our circumstances. Recovery is a process. It's a process of learning to trust God in those painful seasons when hope is hard to grasp. It's a transformation in our self-dependence to dependence on Him. It will hurt, but I want you to believe it'll happen for you, too. Because the same God that walked me through the fire and out the other side, longs to walk with you as well. Recovery is real-and my prayer today is that each one stuck in a place of pain can have renewed hope that your heart will sing with joy again. Believe-because He is able.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you (1 Peter 5:10, ESV).

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3, ESV).

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28, ESV).

He restores my soul (Psalm 23:3a, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for the hope we have in You for our recovery from brokenness and pain. Sometimes, we feel unable to manage the hurts of the day, yet we know that in our inability, You are our Perfect, Able Father. Help us to remember, no matter how bad the day, that our recovery will come. In Your name we pray, Amen!

     

I'll Change Him

     He was perfect- well, almost perfect. After a few months of dating, she liked most of what she saw. He had manners- he held the door for her, held her hand to cross the street, and always said "sir" or "ma'am" when speaking to her parents. He dressed nice. He took her to great restaurants and he made good money. His apartment was clean and neat. He was handsome. But he did have a habit of flirting with other women. Oh- and he had a mean streak that only occasionally came to the surface. Nothing out of hand- just mildly concerning. These were easily pushed away in light of all that he did right. She had confidence that in time, she would change him. 
     Naive, yes- but this happens every day. We know how the story goes from here. She won't change him. She will end up being hurt and disillusioned. And she will wonder how this happened to her. The thing is- we can't change people, only God can do that. But on a smaller scale, we still often fall into this trap of believing we can change someone. We try to use influence to do it. We try to nag them into change. And we may even try to use control to change someone. In the end, we will be frustrated and upset that our efforts weren't successful.
     Friends, we must not be naive. If you are in the market for a serious relationship, don't expect perfection, but seriously consider any red flag warnings. If you see something that causes concern, address it now. Seldom is someone radically changed for the better by a spouse seeking to change them, but God does this kind of work every day in people from all walks of life. Take the Apostle Paul- a man who is responsible for killing many christians in cruel ways for their faith. God completely transformed him and he became one of the most influential preachers of all time! In the end, he lost his own life for his unshakeable faith in Jesus Christ. 
     Our spouse will never be perfect, and in reality, neither are we. We will have habits and characteristics that irritate one another. We may wish they were neater, funnier, more adventuresome or less impulsive. We may think they should be more romantic or have better manners. The thing is- we will never find someone that does nothing that bothers us. Instead of trying to change our spouse, we need to accept them- love them, and pray for any changes we hope to see. It's okay to kindly bring up a two-way discussion of changes you would both like to see- together. However, it's not good or right to nag them about the little things you don't like, or use ways to manipulate change. 
     If your spouse is using behaviors that cause you not just irritation, but concern- these are areas that need addressed. Often, the best people to help with this are trained professionals that counsel couples or individuals. Prayer is a powerful tool as well in these situations, as God can do what others cannot- He changes hearts and minds in a life-changing way. But you must accept that some behaviors are not going to be changed by you. They are simply too big for you to handle- but there is nothing too big for God to handle. When we truly grasp this truth, it frees us from the impossible responsibility of thinking we can change our spouse. Often, the best way to see real changes for the better in our spouse, begin with changing ourselves. What areas can you make improvements in your own life that will in turn, enrich your marriage? Why not start there, and see what God does for the two of you!

***the couple in this blog post is strictly fictional, and in no way reflects the character of my own husband.

An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge. Proverbs 18:15 (ESV)
Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way. Proverbs 19:2 (ESV)
Who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. Philippians 3:21 (ESV)
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for changing us- for radically transforming our lives. We pray that You will give us wisdom with others- to know You are the God of change, and we are not in control. Give us wisdom and guidance in our relationships, and help us to recognize that often, change should begin in our own hearts. In Your name we pray, Lord Jesus, Amen!

     

Loving and Healing- An Update

     I'm sitting here this morning, a little sunburnt, and with a grateful heart, thinking of the holiday weekend spent with family. While I didn't feel well this past weekend (thanks to some mysterious orange pollen coating everything outside our home), I was so happy to be with the people I love the most. I promised to update occasionally on where we are, and how we are doing. It's been a couple months, so I wanted to post a little about what's going on with us. It's funny how we've been married almost 26 years next month, but this year has felt like a new beginning. One of the good things that came out of our marriage breaking, was the opportunity for a fresh start- correcting the things we had allowed to grow old and routine.
     One of the biggest changes for us, is time spent together as a couple. Although we spent time together as a couple before, it had grown more into the process of elimination for it being just the two of us. With children that are young adults, it seems they often have their own plans, and it would end up just being the two of us for dinner or an evening out, by default. But how much better it is to make time for one another, regardless of what the kids are up to- choosing to spend an evening out together means a lot more than doing it because no one else was available. I will always be an encourager of this for any of my married friends, acquaintances, or readers. Please make the time to enjoy the company of your spouse. By doing this, you're investing in your marriage and the expense will be worth it.
     We still continue to go to counseling every couple weeks. The sessions are a great time to work through any thoughts or feelings we may have, as well as learning new tools to work through issues that may arise. We recently faced a business trip back to the area of the affair, and I expected Satan to whisper words of doubt in my ear and heart as we were apart. But what I didn't expect, was a louder Voice that quieted my spirit, and my newfound faith in my husband to feel secure while he was away. This is the result of the work we are doing in rebuilding our relationship on a solid foundation- Jesus Christ. It is also the result of being able to openly share our thoughts without feeling unsure of how they will be received. I want to encourage you all to keep the doors of communication open in all areas of your marriage. Share what you think, and learn the art of careful listening to the thoughts of your partner- not to use the time they are talking to craft your own words or comeback!
     Our life at home with our family is falling back into a pattern of normalcy. The awkwardness that once lived here is gone. While there is always room for improvement, we have spent time enjoying our kids and praying for them specifically each night together. We continue our morning and evening devotions and prayer, and I can't think of a more intimate way to share life and our marriage. In order for us to grow together, we need to keep growing individually. In what ways can you invest in personal growth, that will benefit your relationship or marriage? I need to have some good personal attributes to bring to the table, and I need to remove relationship killers like pride, selfishness, greed, a critical spirit, and other toxic behaviors. 
     Each day, I feel so thankful for a marriage being restored by God. It humbles me greatly to understand how much He values marriage- specifically my own. While my husband's affair used to take up a lot of residence in my brain, it is being removed a little more each day. His love and care for me, along with with the help of my Heavenly Father, is tearing away the barriers of distrust and fear. I'm not naive anymore to think we won't face further assaults from Satan, but I am relishing this new "us" that makes me feel hopeful, grateful, and a little mushy all over again. Keep praying for us, friends, that God will use our story in ways we never imagined, and that our hearts always feel as warm for one another, as they do today!

Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:19 ESV
But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 ESV
And though your beginning was small, your latter days will be very great. Job 8:7 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for the gifts You give me each day. I pray  I'll never lose sight of the blessings I've received by Your hand. Help us to reach others that are hurt by broken marriages, and introduce them to the hope and healing You offer. Continue to strengthen us in our marriage, and others who are rebuilding theirs. Comfort those who weren't given the opportunity for restoration, and guide and help them in their own journeys. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!

Against Any Odds

     Reading through the statistics of marriages that face infidelity is staggering. Even in Christian marriages, the numbers aren't encouraging. It's so easy to feel protected from the possibility, yet it's also very naive. According to multiple surveys, a little over half of married couples will experience an affair. Many never come to light, sadly, and stay hidden as skeletons in the closet. And while we may be able to hide our skeletons from others, we know we can't hide them from God. Did I ever see it coming in my own marriage? I absolutely didn't, and the best piece of advice I can give to each of you is this- guard your hearts, keep communication open and active, and invest in one another spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
     Once a marriage has experienced an affair, what are the chances of restoration and recovery? I was pleasantly surprised to read that 70% of couples that admit to infidelity will stay together! While even a larger number would be better, 70% was better than what I expected. Some are adamant they would never be able to forgive an affair, and would divorce if it happened in their own marriage. I was sure of those feelings myself, but God had other plans for me. 
     I think it's much more important to focus on your new commitment, than to allow statistics to cause fear or discouragement. Sure, the path ahead is a little daunting initially, but staying the course with a renewed sense of purpose, allowing God to create something better is certainly where we are happy to be. For us, we are absolutely certain that God had to be in it on both sides in order for it to work. Once we re-established that foundation, we had something we could build on. Another component I believe to be important is to learn that forgiveness means letting go of what happened. It doesn't mean that we don't learn lessons from it, and it doesn't mean that we don't have scars that can at times feel sore- but it does mean that we are able to truly feel forgiveness regarding the betrayal. 
     So how do we find ourselves in that 70%, and not the 30% that walk away? While I am sure each couple has their own stories of how they found victory over sexual betrayal, I think it starts with a willingness to face what's happened together, and seek help to heal with a genuine sense of commitment to restoration. Having a mutual openness to godly counsel was crucial in our marriage and continues to reap tremendous benefits. If you're in the stage of recovery, both my husband and I, would strongly encourage christian counseling along with marriage-based shared devotions and daily prayer. Once we were on the same page, with the leading and guiding of our Heavenly Father, we refused to accept anything less than God's best for us as a couple- and we knew that meant staying together. Yes, we are still a work in progress, but God is making our story so beautiful, and He isn't even finished with us yet! Don't stop praying for us, and we won't stop praying for those we are touching with our own story. And my prayer is this- "God, help those in the 70% to heal and recover and flourish in their renewed love. But God, please help heal the broken hearts of the 30%, and the loved ones that continue to hurt inside the brokenness of infidelity. And Father, allow us to help others experiencing the deep pain associated with an affair- may You use us in ways that continue to blow us away. In Your precious name I pray, Amen!"

But Ruth said, "Do not urge me to leave you or return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the LORD do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you." Ruth 1:16-17 ESV
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 ESV

Asking for Help

     If you are having marital difficulties strong enough to question your durability and commitment, it's probably time for counseling. If you are seriously unhappy with your spouse, it's time for counseling. If you can't seem to understand one another, and it's causing an issue, it's time for counseling. If you have one partner that has been sexually unfaithful, it's definitely time for counseling. 
While there are a myriad of issues that can benefit from counseling, I can say personally that a counselor is invaluable in helping sort out the mess in your mind, when it comes to adultery. I found it causes anxiety to keep things in, and it released tension to talk things through. I am so thankful for the availability of counseling, and the choices I had open to me. 
     I lived an entire 47 years before I ever darkened the door of a counseling center. I am fortunate to have not felt it necessary in my past, but when I was faced with infidelity, I needed an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. While I had many friends and family I was able to talk to about my situation, at least to a degree, they were all connected to one side or the other. I loved having a safe person to share my thoughts with who was completely outside of the situation. This person had the necessary training to make sense of the issues I was dealing with, and offer ways to cope in a positive way.
     Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Many people feel that they should be able to deal with life's struggles on their own, but many times, we just can't do it well. When we try to handle big things on our own, we often don't heal in a healthy way. Not only did I find a listening ear in my counselor, I found an invaluable friend. While I went for close to a year by myself, I am thankful to have sessions now with both of us present. A counselor is so helpful in opening up our eyes and hearts to the needs and feelings of our spouse. 
     You may have grown up hearing that counseling is a waste of time, or that you can fix any problem on your own. I want to encourage you to remove any old thought patterns you may have heard against it, and look into a good christian counselor. Once you go and connect with one, you will soon see the rewards for having someone professional and safe, giving guidance and encouragement. 
     Having a christian counselor that supports the truths found in scripture is important. Not only did I find one of that fit that description, but I also received wonderful advice and help from others. None will be able to shed as much light as someone that has walked the journey of infidelity. And of course I had my Heavenly Father, always with me, and listening to my thoughts and my heart. Speak to Him- share your feelings, and know that He is completely invested in you. When we open our hearts to those willing to help, we will be on the road to healing, much faster!

Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed. Proverbs 15:22 ESV
Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. Proverbs 11:14 ESV
Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 ESV
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. Proverbs 12:15 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for always hearing me, and for Your Word that gives instruction and guidance. I thank You as well for providing those who can give us professional help when it is needed. I am thankful for the counsel of friends, and for the blessing of a good, christian counselor. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Jealousy and Infidelity

     He was mine. I loved him and called him mine for 25 years. I laughed with him, cried with him, served with him, and lived with him. He was my husband and no one else could say that about him. I like dessert. I really like chocolate cake, but if the piece is big enough, I will share with you. I like to share adventures, time, and advice- but I don't like to share my husband with another woman. 
     I tried pretty hard not to think about her, and often I was successful. But in the dark of night, when the house was silent and still, I wondered. What did she look like? How could she replace me? Why would she knowingly get involved with a married man? What did she say about me? What was she like? And again- what in the world did she look like??? I conjured up a mental picture that made me feel inferior. I disliked this woman, and wanted her gone.
     I also wrestled with this truth- God loved her. Yes, He loves me, and He chose me for my husband, but He also loved her. He didn't like what she was doing, and He didn't want her for my husband, but it didn't change His love for her. You know how I know this? Jesus came to seek and to save the lost (Luke 19:10), and I knew she was lost. Another example is found in Romans 5:8- But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. That means He loved her too- and as much as I wished to despise her, I am called to something infinitely harder.
     I will confess something to you- I have prayed for her, but not often enough, and my heart is lacking in love when I do. Our flesh wants revenge. I think of legitimate excuses for harm in the name of "crime of passion". And when I do this, I am guilty of sin. God asks us to love our enemies, and she was an enemy. It isn't a complicated math problem, it's a simple command from the God of the Universe. I wish it wasn't written in scripture, but it is (multiple times) and I can't ignore it. 
     If you have walked this road of being betrayed by your spouse, you know the feelings of jealousy and anger. It is not an easy road, and loving our enemy is definitely not easy. I don't have all the answers to the issues in our minds and hearts, but I do have scripture that tells me what I should do. I should pray for her, and love her. I am a work in progress, and I pray that God will give me a heart of compassion for this enemy. While my mind wants to go to dark places, I pray that instead, I will dwell on the Light of the World, and that He gives me a heart of grace for all. Loving someone that loves me back is easy, but loving our enemies is being like Christ. God help me in this today, and always. 

"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, Luke 6:27 ESV
But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, Matthew 5:44 ESV
But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Luke 6:35 ESV
Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. 1 Peter 3:9 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to live a life filled with grace. Not grace for only those who love me, but for those who are my enemies. Help me to pray for them and love them, knowing it is Your way for me. Remove jealousy from my heart, and allow me to live in the freedom of Your love and forgiveness. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!