How to Win Your Husband Back

     I used to wonder when I heard of couples that got back together after an affair, what their secret was. Was it an improved physical appearance that the unfaithful spouse just couldn't resist? Was it the leverage of having history, kids together and a unique understanding of one another? Was there pouting involved or maybe finally standing up for oneself in an aggressive manner? Was it just an obligation, because I never wanted to be an obligation. 
     What ultimately would bring my own husband back to me? I tried quite a few things initially, to my embarrassment. How foolish of me to think I could win my husband back, because that's just the thing- you can't! I know this question will likely be posed to me from hurting people who want to believe their efforts will make the difference, and I will have to tell them what I've learned through our own story. You can try to lose twenty pounds, dye your hair blonde, find an interesting hobby, threaten self-harm- whatever it is you can think up, and it just won't work. 
     One of the biggest lessons I learned is the affair wasn't about me. It wasn't something I could change, and changing myself wouldn't ultimately make the difference. If there were some hidden secret I could share with you, I would certainly share it, but there just isn't. The bottom line is the outcome of my marriage was completely out of my hands, but thank God it wasn't out of His. You may be a prayer skeptic, and if you are, had you walked the past year in my shoes, you would no longer be skeptical. In theory, my marriage was done- finished, over. How I longed for something different, but all I had were prayers and hope that whatever God brought along would be the very best.
     I can tell you this- manipulating, yelling, threatening and being vengeful will not reap good results. Instead, pray for your broken spouse and wait to see what God will do. It isn't a conquest, but it is a battle. I think the thing to remember here is that the battle isn't between you and your spouse- the battle is between your spouse and God. I remember getting to the point where I realized it was not in my hands at all- nothing I could do would make a difference. And in that moment, all I had left was faith- but knowing Who my faith was grounded in made all the difference. Can you win your spouse back, and would you really want to? He says He fights my battles, and so I let Him. 

The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." Exodus 14:14 ESV
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. Mark 11:24 ESV
And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him. 1 John 5:14-15 ESV
If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. John 15:7 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for fighting my battles. Without You, my marriage would have been over- I had no power in its outcome. I thank You for not only hearing our prayers, but faithfully answering them. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Grief Associated with a Broken Marriage

     People associate grief with death, but when it comes to a broken marriage, you will likely experience grief. Grief can occur with any emotional parting with someone or something we genuinely care about. When my husband walked out of the door the second time, I truly felt fresh grief as I was faced with what I felt was the end of our marriage. 
     There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. At some point since I initially discovered infidelity in our marriage, I went through all five stages. But I experienced all of the first 4 before he left the second time, and when he left in December of 2018, I felt the final stage of acceptance. We had gone through so much working towards resolution and reconciliation. I didn't believe there was anything further I could do to save our marriage. I had prayed a thousand prayers, cried a river of tears, begged and pleaded before my Heavenly Father, and still- he left. I didn't have any more fight left in me.
     The best thing about God is that when we can't fight anymore, He can! In fact, when we give up our own struggling for what we want, He does His best work without any interference by us. And so while I had felt all of these painful feelings of grief, He was about to get to serious business with the fate of my marriage. While I laid down my will and simply let go, He stepped in and began some pretty amazing things- things I couldn't see over the next week. The week ahead would be painful, but I tried to focus on bringing in the New Year enjoying the company of our kids, and doing some fun things to celebrate. 
     Have you felt grief in your life? Most of us have experienced it with the death of a loved one, but have you felt it in other areas, excluding physical death? It's interesting how our brain experiences grief in the trauma of a marital crisis, but it makes sense. God says when we are joined in marriage, "two become one flesh" (Mark 10:8). When the one flesh is torn in two again, there is a form of death- marital death. This is a painful event that causes us to experience grief, especially as the betrayed spouse. Scripture promises us that God is a God of comfort and help. He won't leave us throughout our grieving process, and will seek to strengthen and help us navigate through until we come out of the other side. And even then, He is with us in the "new" that awaits. 

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 ESV
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4 ESV
My flesh and my heart may fail. but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26 ESV
"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. John 14:1 ESV
For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I am the one who helps you." Isaiah 41:13 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for walking beside me through my grief. You've felt it, and You know how difficult the emotions are. I pray for any currently facing grief, that You would draw close, give comfort, and in time- acceptance. Thank You for bringing me through the fire, and for faithfully walking through it by my side. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
     

Jesus in the Storm

     I think of Jesus in a passage found in Mark 4, on a ship with His disciples. There was a terrible storm that blew up while they were out on the water and the winds howled and the waves splashed so high, the water was flooding the ship. The disciples were terrified and feverishly trying to fight against capsizing or drowning. Jesus was on the ship with them, but instead of being worried and uptight, He was sleeping. The disciples finally came to Him with frustration asking how He can sleep when they were in this situation. Jesus calmly awakes and rebukes the waves and wind and the storm immediately vanishes, leaving only peace and calm. The disciples are astonished at His ability to control even the winds and the waves. 
     I faced a storm in my marriage. The storm of infidelity was ugly and terrifying. I was like the disciples, feverishly trying to find a way to simply survive and escape the awful effects of it. My winds and waves came in the form of rejection, betrayal, insecurity, shock and pain. These feelings crashed against my spirit, wounding me and leaving me afraid and vulnerable. And yet Jesus was not afraid, nor was He vulnerable, and He was with me in that storm. He was a calming presence, assuring me that the winds and waves wouldn't have the ultimate victory. He was strong and powerful, able to conquer my storm, though He chose not to for longer than I desired. 
     Jesus is always in control in every situation, so He never needs to worry about outcomes. He knows what will happen, and He won't ever be taken by surprise. If I could have peeked a year or two into the future, I may have gotten my answer and not felt the need to be as insecure or worried. But God doesn't want me to go through a storm without learning some valuable lessons. And so I kept fighting against those winds and waves until I finally realized that the storm wasn't mine to fight. I was exhausted from the burden of fighting the storm and simply allowed God to take my burden and trusted Him to fight it for me. And just like we read in Mark 4, my Heavenly Father brought peace- not peace because the storm was no longer there, but peace in allowing the One Who is able, to fight it for me!

And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind  ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you no faith?" And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, "Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?" Mark 4:37-41 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for staying with me through the storms I encounter in my life, and for conquering them when I give up my will for Yours. Help me to learn the lessons from the storm, and come out on the other side with renewed faith and strength in Your power and ability. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!