One summer, on the way back from a seven day cruise, my sister's family and ours decided we didn't want our summer vacation to be over, so we made a detour to Jekyll Island. We had passed signs for the island many times, and thought it could be a fun place to crash an extra day or two. The internet picture of the place we chose to stay, looked wonderful. With excited kids, and happy adults, we made the exit to our extended stay. Upon arrival to the actual island, we started to feel a little skeptical. But when we pulled into our hotel, things slowly got stranger and stranger. You know how you get a weird vibe sometimes? Well, that was the case here in Jekyll Island. From the biting flies, the rocky beach, and the really strange hotel, we decided to leave. It wasn't what we had hoped for, and so we packed up our stuff, our kids, and hit the road for a Hampton Inn. Not what we planned, and certainly not fancy, but we just didn't want to stay in Jekyll.
Relationships can be a lot like this. We have high hopes as we head into it, and then feel disappointed when we realize it isn't what we thought it would be. She wasn't as fun and carefree, and he wasn't as structured or driven. He wasn't a saver, and she wasn't an optimist. She wasn't as skinny, and he wasn't as stylish. The truth is, we all put on our best front in the beginning, but it's just that- a front. Inside, we are all broken, and we all have our share of struggles. Our world would tell us to move on, to find someone else, to get a divorce. But most often, the answer won't be there either. A new relationship or marriage will have its own set of challenges, and you'll be faced with the same decision: go, or stay.
Now let's be clear from the beginning: I am not condoning a person to stay in an abusive marriage or relationship of any nature. There are some character traits that will need change in order to safely remain. These circumstances are not the point of my blog post today. What I am talking about, is the ability to recognize our tendencies to run when things don't go the way we planned. Some marriages will face some pretty big obstacles: the death of a family member, infidelity, addiction, mental health issues, a serious illness, financial struggles, and many others. What will you do when your marriage faces a crisis? Many times, we feel it's easier to run, than to face the situation we find ourselves in. I want to encourage any who are feeling this way today to simply reconsider.
Relationships are hard, and there's no getting around that truth. The only perfect Person to have walked this earth was Jesus- all the rest of us are simply going to mess up. Satan will try to convince us there is someone better suited for us. He will try to make you believe you deserve something better. But at the very core of christianity, is the story of grace. Undeserved grace. Something we receive each day from God's heart, and not a one of us deserves it. If Jesus was our earthly example of how to love, then we will choose to love, even when it's hard. And just as He always is with us and promises not to leave, so we should do the same with our spouse. You can leave- but you'll soon discover the flaws in the next person you choose to love.
Marriage vows are serious promises. They are much more serious than a side trip to Jekyll Island. Somedays, staying is hard. Somedays, you'll almost listen to the lies that there is a better plan for you. There is joy in choosing grace in face of our spouse's shortcomings and failures. Encourage good change in their lives when it's needed, and recognize that you're also often in need of change yourself. Decide to fight for one another, and not against each other. You can overcome the obstacles that stand in the way of your marriage with whatever tools are necessary to achieve victory. God will fight for your marriage along with you. Leaving isn't the answer- by God's grace, choose to stay. Stay when it's easy, and stay when it's hard. Learn to love like Jesus- without conditions. Loving this way will always have a cost, but it will also reap benefits beyond what you see in this moment. Ask God today for the power to stay, and watch what He will do for you!
So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6 (ESV)
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 (ESV)
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 (ESV)
Dear heavenly Father, help me to be characterized by forgiveness and steadfastness. Help my marriage be one that honors You. We thank You for the example of love that You've shown us in Your Son. Help us to mirror that kind of love in our marriages. In Your name we pray, Amen!
He was perfect- well, almost perfect. After a few months of dating, she liked most of what she saw. He had manners- he held the door for her, held her hand to cross the street, and always said "sir" or "ma'am" when speaking to her parents. He dressed nice. He took her to great restaurants and he made good money. His apartment was clean and neat. He was handsome. But he did have a habit of flirting with other women. Oh- and he had a mean streak that only occasionally came to the surface. Nothing out of hand- just mildly concerning. These were easily pushed away in light of all that he did right. She had confidence that in time, she would change him.
Naive, yes- but this happens every day. We know how the story goes from here. She won't change him. She will end up being hurt and disillusioned. And she will wonder how this happened to her. The thing is- we can't change people, only God can do that. But on a smaller scale, we still often fall into this trap of believing we can change someone. We try to use influence to do it. We try to nag them into change. And we may even try to use control to change someone. In the end, we will be frustrated and upset that our efforts weren't successful.
Friends, we must not be naive. If you are in the market for a serious relationship, don't expect perfection, but seriously consider any red flag warnings. If you see something that causes concern, address it now. Seldom is someone radically changed for the better by a spouse seeking to change them, but God does this kind of work every day in people from all walks of life. Take the Apostle Paul- a man who is responsible for killing many christians in cruel ways for their faith. God completely transformed him and he became one of the most influential preachers of all time! In the end, he lost his own life for his unshakeable faith in Jesus Christ.
Our spouse will never be perfect, and in reality, neither are we. We will have habits and characteristics that irritate one another. We may wish they were neater, funnier, more adventuresome or less impulsive. We may think they should be more romantic or have better manners. The thing is- we will never find someone that does nothing that bothers us. Instead of trying to change our spouse, we need to accept them- love them, and pray for any changes we hope to see. It's okay to kindly bring up a two-way discussion of changes you would both like to see- together. However, it's not good or right to nag them about the little things you don't like, or use ways to manipulate change.
If your spouse is using behaviors that cause you not just irritation, but concern- these are areas that need addressed. Often, the best people to help with this are trained professionals that counsel couples or individuals. Prayer is a powerful tool as well in these situations, as God can do what others cannot- He changes hearts and minds in a life-changing way. But you must accept that some behaviors are not going to be changed by you. They are simply too big for you to handle- but there is nothing too big for God to handle. When we truly grasp this truth, it frees us from the impossible responsibility of thinking we can change our spouse. Often, the best way to see real changes for the better in our spouse, begin with changing ourselves. What areas can you make improvements in your own life that will in turn, enrich your marriage? Why not start there, and see what God does for the two of you!
***the couple in this blog post is strictly fictional, and in no way reflects the character of my own husband.
An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge. Proverbs 18:15 (ESV)
Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way. Proverbs 19:2 (ESV)
Who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. Philippians 3:21 (ESV)
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10 (ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for changing us- for radically transforming our lives. We pray that You will give us wisdom with others- to know You are the God of change, and we are not in control. Give us wisdom and guidance in our relationships, and help us to recognize that often, change should begin in our own hearts. In Your name we pray, Lord Jesus, Amen!
I bet if you took a minute to think about it, you could come up with a few couples you would classify as the "perfect christian couple." This couple seems to have it all together- a nice home, a couple kids, decent job, involved in the community, and prominent in the church. Everyone loves them, and wants to be like them. People assume they have the perfect marriage and feel envious of them. That was us.
While we may be able to check off the boxes of what the world considered qualifications of being "that couple", there were things that were lacking. When our foundation is anything but Christ, it isn't solid enough. And because as Christians, we are all just sinners, saved by grace, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage.
I want to just point out that Hollywood movies and romantic fiction don't do us any favors. Those characters aren't realistic, and give us a false notion of what relationships are really like. Women are going to get upset that men don't romance them more. Men are going to leave the toilet seat up. Women will worry about crazy impossible things that could maybe, possibly happen to the kids;) Men will get stressed about money. These things are going to cause friction because we are just different creatures. Our differences can complement one another, or divide us.
Our marital cracks entered in the form of busyness. It is an issue that most couples face, but how we let it affect us is crucial. Another crack for us was coasting on auto-pilot. Marriage takes effort, and we often let other things take precedence. These seemed like legitimate issues initially, but Satan only needs little cracks to stick his foot in the door. If we are not guarding our marriages, and investing in them, we are opening them up to problems. If you are a husband, lead well. If you are a wife, encourage his leading and respect him. If you are a husband, love well. If you are a wife, return love and passion. These may seem elementary in nature, but they are important fundamentals to put in place.
No marriage is perfect. Don't fall for believing that about your marriage, or anyone else's. Each one of us is capable of falling to temptation, so arm yourself and be on guard. When we allow God to have priority in our marriages, we are more equipped to handle life's storms. Read and pray together. Serve together. Spend time together. Love one another- even when it's hard! Live and love authentically, allowing people to see the real you. When we share our imperfections, it draws others to us that have similar needs. So, I choose to thank God for my imperfections, and pray that they will point others to the only Perfect One, Jesus Christ!
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Romans 12:9 ESV
And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. Philippians 1:9-11 ESV
But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one. 2 Thessalonians 3:3 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, allow me to live authentically. I pray that my imperfections and failures will be used to point others to You. Help us to guard our marriages, and to fully invest in them. For broken marriages, I pray for healing and help. We thank You for accepting us, imperfect and sinful. You are compassionate and gracious, and I thank You for that, Father. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
We all struggle with insecurities and things that make us feel like we come up short. We wish we were thinner, younger, smarter, more organized, more talented, better looking, and a handful of other things. We are usually our own worst critics. I can see my own flaws so easily, and fail to see the good qualities I possess. Couple that with rejection from your spouse, and you have a real recipe for feeling sad and insecure.
We've heard it since we were young if we grew up in church. We are told we are beautiful in God's eyes- a masterpiece. And while that sounds good to our ears, it doesn't seem to speak louder than being cast aside by our spouse. We get waylaid by the rejection, and wonder what is wrong with us. Why am I not good enough? Was it my extra pounds, double chin, or maybe my cellulite? Was I not interesting or exciting to be around? Maybe I was too silly or too serious. Whatever the case, we begin to doubt ourselves, and our qualities. When we listen to the voices of rejection, we fall into Satan's trap for us. It holds us captive in self pity and insecurity, and puts us in a form of bondage that God doesn't want for us.
The bottom line when it comes to marriage, is even if I tacked on 100 extra pounds, grew a second nose, or acquired a disfiguring injury, none of that disqualifies me from being chosen by my spouse. If I chose to talk less or laugh too loud, it may be annoying, but it isn't an excuse to look elsewhere. Marriage isn't based on our qualifications, but on a vow made before our Heavenly Father. When a married person forgets this, it is deeply disappointing to God, and is emotionally traumatic to their spouse.
If you're stuck in the hurt of feeling rejected, I am so sorry. I won't say I don't understand, because I do. I could sit beside you, shoulder to shoulder, and tell you "me too." It hurts to be told that you aren't wanted anymore. We touched on it earlier in this post, but we need to listen closer to God's voice. We really are a masterpiece! We really are fearfully and wonderfully made. Those are truths told to us by our Creator. He doesn't tell lies or change His mind about what He has said. These are statements that can set us free from our insecurities. God promises us, even in the middle of this painful journey, that better days are ahead for us. He DOES have good plans for us. He will never reject us, and His love will never fail. Let's cling to these words from God's Word:
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14 ESV
For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10 NLT
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, help me to live in truth rather than Satan's lies. Help me escape the trap of insecurity so I can live with purpose- Your purpose for me! Give healing and help in this dark part of my journey, and help me remember the hope of better days ahead. Thank you for Your faithful love, and for accepting all who come to You, and never rejecting us. It is a privilege to be accepted by You, Lord, and I thank You for not overlooking me, or setting me aside. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
