I Wasn't Ready Yet

 I received a message through my Instagram account the other day, and something in it really struck a chord with me: "I wasn't ready, yet", she said. I've said it, and maybe you have too. How many things do we not feel ready for? I know for me, the list would be pretty extensive. In this particular case, she wasn't ready for words of hope—because sometimes, we feel the need to flounder in our grief and pain as we grapple with reality. We wrestle with our shocking feelings surrounding painful circumstances, and need to spend some time there.

I can relate. I have my own lapse between discovery and the quest for healing. Or maybe that lapse is really just the very beginning of the process that leads us to healing. When we receive shocking news—whether betrayal in our marriage, the death of a loved one, a serious diagnosis, or some other painful discovery, our initial response is not usually acceptance—that comes later in the grieving/healing process.

It helps to know this is a natural response for most humans. It doesn't make me a bad person or a bad Christian if I spend a little time between discovery and acceptance. It doesn't mean I don't believe God is good—but it does mean my faith in His goodness is being called to the test, even as He patiently waits for me to learn to trust Him with this hard news.

The truth is, when I hear something especially difficult, I like to nurse that pain for a while. Whether it's minutes or days, those feelings match the bad news. I need time to properly grieve those hurts and disappointments before I feel ready to move on and move forward—maybe you need this space too. But even in those days of nursing my wounds and floundering in my feelings, I'm still so deeply touched with His tender presence—giving comfort until I'm ready. 

I lost a dear friend this week, and I wasn't ready to hear she had passed away. I had hoped for healing—healing that would place her back in this world—healthy and whole and pouring herself back into her family and friends once again. We prayed and we believed, yet God took her home. I feel pain over our temporary parting—space is needed until acceptance comes. God knows. He understands our need for this time, yet it won't stop Him from planting precious truths into our hurting hearts. This is the soil needed for future acceptance—knowing He deeply cares for our hurts and pains.

Maybe you're somewhere between hard news and acceptance. Maybe you're wrestling with the darkness of those painful feelings—the deepness of grief. Maybe you don't even want to think of God, and are pressing against His longing to comfort you. If He is in control, then He could have allowed a different outcome—different news than what you're facing. Does He care for your hurt and pain, and does He understand the feelings we face as we grieve? He does, friends, He does.

We need days where we wallow in the bad news and we ask God, "why?" And while it's a natural part of the process of grieving, let us not stay stuck there. The truth is, bad news will come to us all at some point in our lives—and it seems more and more often as we age. Sin has broken this world, and it's broken us, too. That's why we desperately need Jesus—the God of all comfort. 

Maybe today you don't feel ready to accept whatever it is you're facing. Maybe you just want to nurse your pain another day. Maybe you aren't ready yet—ready to move forward. To accept. To heal. To trust God with your broken heart. Maybe today, hope doesn't feel possible. But tomorrow is a new day. Pray about your heart. Know that Jesus cares so very deeply for you. His ways are best, even when they hurt. 

We don't always need to know why, but eventually we must accept the present reality. We must remember God's faithful love, and that He works all things for good–even when it doesn't feel good. One day, you'll be ready, and one day you'll look back and see how far He's brought you. Don't spend too much time wallowing and nursing your pain—you have big things He has planned for you—things you don't want to miss. You aren't alone in this—He is always with us. So today in that space between hard news and acceptance, may you feel His love beckoning you to trust Him. May you learn to lean into His tender, strong arms and carry you through. He is our Good, Good Father—every single moment of every single day.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God (2 Corinthians 1:3-4, ESV). 

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3, ESV). 

Exercising Faith-What Does it Mean?

 Circuit training—a phrase that brings up bad memories from the past. With multiple weight machines set up in close proximity, you basically run from one to the next, and on and on it goes for about 45 minutes or so. The first few sets were typically done quite easily, as the weight is lighter than regular lifting, but as you worked through each machine and your heart rate steadily punched upward, I would begin questioning what in the world had ever prompted me to begin in the first place. This was exercise not intended for the faint of heart—but for the dedicated athlete.

Now Zumba—that's my kind of workout, but even with Zumba I struggled initially to learn the dance steps and to build up my stamina and confidence. No proper form of exercise comes without a learning curve and a period of adjustment—physical and mental, but with perseverance, you make strides as you keep at it. And when you think about it, faith is no different. I wasn't born trusting God and automatically knowing how to live as a transformed believer of Jesus—it was through many small experiences over time that I learned those things and continue to do so.

Building, or exercising our faith requires spiritual muscle development. It won't just happen unless you put in effort. You will never accidentally fall into being a person of great faith. And so it takes deliberate practice, just like any other form of exercise. Many times, I am guilty of praying for a greater faith, then being puzzled and frustrated with trial after trial. If you want to be a person of great faith, trials aren't optional. That teenager that's giving you a hard time? Faith building. That church leader that seems to make rules based on personal preference causing you irritation? Faith building. A spouse who runs to another's arms, devastating your heart? Faith building. Bills that are out of sync with your income? Faith building.

When you think of people in Scripture known for their faith, you'll see they were people who faced pretty difficult situations. Abraham was asked to offer his son. Esther came before the king unannounced with a desire to save her people—an action that could easily cost her life. Joshua instructed the people to march around the walls of Jericho, believing that God would spare them from harm and give the city into their hands. David picked up a small rock and faced a large giant who wanted to kill him. Moses led his people into the middle of the sea, believing God would hold back the waters from destroying them. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego refused to worship an idol and walked inside a fiery furnace, not knowing if they would be delivered or not. 

All of these people are known for their faith—yet each one faced their own trials with confidence in God. It's true that trials stink. I know I don't like them and I bet you don't either. But trials are necessary if we want to truly grow in our faith and learn to trust our Heavenly Father. Without them, we would not learn to rely on His strength to see us through, and we would not grow in our faith. 

What are you facing today that you are wrestling against? Are you feeling bitter or angry that God allowed this situation in your life? Honestly, there are those moments we find ourselves angry with God—and yet He understands our emotions and feels compassion for us. But as a loving Father, He wants more for us than an easy life that won't encourage our spiritual growth and build our faith. When I think of people I have known who have passed away, the ones with the most powerful legacy are those who faced challenges and continued to walk in faith. So when we face things we wish we weren't called to face, may we see how God is exercising our faith by allowing things that have a greater purpose than the pain we are experiencing in that season. Our God is good and He deeply loves us. Even when our life gets hard and our hearts are hurting. May it be said of us when we take our last breath, "their faith is what I remember and appreciate the most". 

And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him (Hebrews 11:6, ESV).

That your faith may not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God (1 Corinthians 2:5, ESV).

For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith (1 John 5:4, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, we want to be people known for our faith, and yet our hearts often struggle with trials. Help us in those hard seasons to trust You and believe that You will bring good from whatever we face. We know that faith building isn't easy and requires trials and so we ask that when we face them, we would learn to wholly lean on You. In Your name we pray, Amen!

I am Thomas

I sat beside his bed, holding the hand of my husband. Thirty years of doing life together conjured up so many rich memories. How could I go on without him, I wondered? We were a team—partners, lovers, and best friends. And now this. The doctors had given us news that literally shook us: stage 4 cancer. How are you supposed to handle that kind of news? 

In another home across the world a woman sat alone. Fearful and heartbroken, she faced the awful news that her husband had left her. The clothes and books and his well-worn recliner seemed to mock her in his absence. Was it over? Would things ever be okay again? How was she supposed to move forward alone? She missed him desperately, yet here she was—broken and filled with doubt.

Centuries earlier, a similar situation played out in a distant land. As he looked on, he saw his friend hanging on a cross. Broken and bloodied and dying. It wasn't supposed to be this way. He had placed all of his faith in this Man, and now He was dying—leaving them and shattering his hopes that Jesus was truly the long-awaited Messiah. Why had he been so foolish to believe, he thought to himself? Why did it have to end this way?

The disciples were gathered together and Jesus appeared to them after that awful day of His death. While Jesus had told them prior to His death that He would indeed die and raise from the dead, they didn't understand what He meant. So when they saw Him, their hope was restored—He really was the Messiah. He really was Who they had believed Him to be. This caused them great joy and I'm sure, a huge sense of relief. But Thomas wasn't there. He didn't get to see Him, and when he was told that Jesus had appeared to them, he refused to believe it.

Not only did Thomas refuse to believe the news, but he adamantly refused. In fact, these are his words:

"Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe (John 20:25, ESV)."  Never.

Eight days later, Jesus appeared to His disciples again, except this time Thomas was with them. How do you think Thomas felt when Jesus, knowing his heart and his words, asked him to place his finger in the nail print in his hand and to place his hand on His side and feel the place where the sword had pierced Him? I would imagine in that moment, Thomas felt an ocean full of regret and sorrow. He had doubted the Lord, and the Lord had called him out on it. Not in a mean way—but in a very direct way. And Jesus then told Thomas: "Do not disbelieve, but believe (John 20:27b, ESV)." 

It's so easy to point fingers at Thomas and judge him for his doubting heart. How could he have seen the works of the Lord and then doubt His identity? He had watched Him perform many miracles in the three years he spent with Him—healing people, feeding multitudes from only a few loaves and fish, raising people from the dead. How could he have been an eye-witness to these miraculous acts, only to doubt Him as He hung on the cross? It seems foolish, and yet I've been there, and maybe you have too.

The truth is, God heals cancer. God restores broken marriages. God gives the addict freedom from substance abuse. God makes a way when it seems there is none. God cures. God rescues. That's what He does, and I often easily forget that when I'm faced with situations that seem absolutely impossible. I doubt Him. I forget what He's done. I'm no different or better than Thomas.

But Thomas didn't stay a doubter. After he touched the wounds of Jesus, he appropriately addressed Him as "my Lord and my God." History records that later Thomas would lose his life as a martyr. He could have stayed in a place of disbelief, but he didn't—and I don't have to stay in a place of doubt either. Why? Because I've personally seen the hand of Jesus miraculously move in my own life. I've had a front row seat to witnessing the power of God transform people—transform my marriage, and transform lives. When I stop to consider these things I can release worry and doubt that grips my heart when I'm the one sitting by the hospital bed or facing an unfaithful spouse or a child addicted to drugs. Is it hard—yes. Does it hurt—absolutely. But I serve a God who is able.

Even though He is able, God doesn't always heal that stage 4 husband. He doesn't always bring back a wayward child or spouse. The addict will take the final dose that takes their life. Our world is broken, and sin has touched every part of it. But as believers, we don't have to live in a place of doubt. God will make all things new and restore His creation. He cares about us and wants us to hope in Him. He can do all things, and in His strength, so can we. And sometimes–somedays, that's enough to remove every bit of doubt from our hearts no matter what we are facing. May we, like Thomas remember—truly see Him, and then address Him as our Lord and our God. 

But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind (James 1:6, ESV). 

Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him (Mark 11:23, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to be remembered by our faith, and not our doubts. May we be Christians that leave a legacy that says "they trusted in God, and lived it." In Your name we pray, Amen!

Accepting Disappointments in Life

 I was in eleventh grade and I liked this guy. I was sure he could be the one for me. He was nice, loved God, and was easy on the eyes. I prayed about him, and waited. I waited a while longer, and prayed a little more. The days passed and then the months passed, and it still didn't happen. Next thing I knew, he had a serious girlfriend, and it wasn't going to happen. Freshman year of college-the same scene played out in my heart. I liked him, I hoped for him, but no matter what I prayed, or how long I waited, it just didn't happen. My heart was bruised and I was disappointed, yet God held out longer still before my soul mate would be revealed. My friends all seemed to be dating, and I remained unhappily single. 

I can go back to my late 20's and see a similar situation play out in my life once again. All I ever really wanted was to be a wife and a mom. God finally had given me my long awaited love, but I was still waiting to be a mother. My first pregnancy ended in a surgery room. What was left of my baby was removed as my heart was shattered in a million pieces. I had longed for that child. I had prayed for that child, yet God didn't allow me to parent my first little one-nor did He allow my second baby to safely live until delivery. My heart once again faced severe disappointment as I waited for its desire to be granted. 

Elusive love and delayed motherhood are just some of the disappointments I've faced in life. I've had my writing material rejected, I've been passed over for projects I hoped to work on, I've had dreams that fizzled and died, and I've lost friends and family members I prayed would make it through. I've watched my husband walk out the door, devastating my heart in ways nothing else could. The truth is, life can be really hard, and if we aren't prepared for those disappointing seasons, we won't be able to stand firm when they hit us like a ton of bricks.

One of the hardest truths out there is realizing that just because I'm God's child, I'm not promised an easy path. In fact, we are told in scripture that if we are His children, we will experience heartache and pain. Just as we discipline our own kids in order that they will mature and grow into responsible adults who contribute well to society, God disciplines us in order to make us grow and mature into children He can use for His kingdom work. Withholding discipline from us would result in lazy children-children unwilling and unable to fulfill our spiritual purposes. 

Looking back now behind me, I can see how many of my disappointments were for my own good. Had I been given the first guy I prayed for, I would not have the privilege of the love God gave me in my husband. And that guy? He wandered from God and did not live a life of spiritual purpose and usefulness. I can now see God's hand of protection in denying the prayers of my young heart. And while I did not get to mother my first two children, I can see how God placed a more tender love in my heart for the two He did allow me to mother. I clearly see the gift in being their mom, and my heart was softened toward my two blessings in ways I can't put into words. 

Maybe life isn't going the way you wish today. Your heart may be struggling with rejection. You may have been led along and then painfully dumped. You may be waiting for motherhood, wondering why God is holding out. Your heart may be shattered by infidelity or abuse. You may be grappling with a diagnosis that doesn't seem fair, and God seems so far away. Our world is broken, and it's not possible to live here and not have the cost of sin touch our lives. But we are given a promise as God's children-we are never, ever, ever alone. We are not forgotten. He always hears our prayers. He always loves us and because He does, He will allow painful things to transform us from being "self-focused" to "God-focused." 

Disappointments are part of life-it's true. But when we look at them as being an integral part of refinement, we can better accept that we must face disappointment if we are to grow. And we will not grow the way God wants us to, if we despise our disappointments and blame God for not giving us what we wanted. We would be like spoiled kids, mad that we didn't get our way, even when our way isn't what's best for us. We won't have all the answers this side of eternity-some disappointments may never make sense here. But when we understand that our God is a good God, then we have to trust Him even when we don't get it. So whatever you're battling today, hold on to the promise that God is doing something good through your disappointing circumstances. He has a better plan, and we don't always need to understand it-we just need to be willing to allow Him to work His good purposes through us. 

Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10, ESV).

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world (John 16:33, ESV)."

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6, ESV).

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (1 Thessalonians 5:18, ESV).

Dear heavenly Father, forgive me for how often I long for my own way, despising Yours. Disappointments will come, and when they do, help me to remember that even when my heart is hurting, You will bring about good through my obedience to Your plan and purpose for me. In Your name we pray, Amen!

Recovery Is Possible

Most days I forget the pain of the past. I can make it through the whole day without thinking once about where we were a few years ago, and how it forever changed me. But some days I remember. Some days, I look at myself and I'm amazed that with God's help, I survived-our marriage survived! So my blog post today is for any who may be going through a really difficult situation in your marriage, or even in your own life that seems impossible to make it through. God seems far away and you feel uncertain and skeptical that your heart will feel joy again. Your days are filled with fear, sadness and discouragement. You feel you'll never smile again, and your heart will never heal. If that's you-I want to encourage you to have hope that better days are ahead for you. It may seem like I speak empty words in this season for you, but I know-I've been there. I want to promise you that God can restore your broken heart. I want to whisper words that will allow you to believe, today, that healing will come for you. It won't mean you'll be the person you used to be, and if you really think about it, do you want to be?

I remember it as clear as if it were yesterday. I sat in my counselor's office, leaning forward on that couch and with a pained heart, I asked her, "how long? How long will it take for healing?" She told me that the average amount of time was right around two years. But she also told me that some parts of infidelity would forever change my reaction in certain situations. She truthfully told me that I would never return to the exact woman I used to be. She stressed how important it was for both partners to actively do their part in the recovery process if our marriage had a chance to heal from the affair. Weeks later, I was joined by my husband in therapy, and we began formulating our own recovery plan. The road ahead would be difficult, but we knew that we were following God's plan in our decision, and that with His help, we had a really good shot at this. 

Whatever you're up against, don't forget that God is in it with you. I often wonder how people make it through big life obstacles without His help, comfort, wisdom, and guidance. I look at the broken woman I was back in the worst of it, but on closer inspection, I can see how God was actively using others to help restore my hope and my joy. He hugged me through the arms of other believers. I can see how His Word spoke life and hope into my wounded heart. I needed almost constant reassurance from Him, and He provided each and every time. That same God is with you, too. He longs to carry your burden for you. He wants to heal us-He really cares! We read of many He healed physically, emotionally, and spiritually in the New Testament, and we see evidence of His faithful healing all around us still today. Even yet-we often doubt it will happen for us. We long for it, but our hearts feel skeptical. 

My marriage is just one example in a long thread of answered prayers in my life. God doesn't always heal in the ways we ask for. But even when He says "no", recovery is possible when we realize He understands a bigger picture than what we could ever see or comprehend. While I am forever changed in many ways, I am also truly recovering. I am living proof that God is a Healer of the brokenhearted. It won't happen overnight because there are lessons to learn in the broken places of our circumstances. Recovery is a process. It's a process of learning to trust God in those painful seasons when hope is hard to grasp. It's a transformation in our self-dependence to dependence on Him. It will hurt, but I want you to believe it'll happen for you, too. Because the same God that walked me through the fire and out the other side, longs to walk with you as well. Recovery is real-and my prayer today is that each one stuck in a place of pain can have renewed hope that your heart will sing with joy again. Believe-because He is able.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you (1 Peter 5:10, ESV).

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3, ESV).

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28, ESV).

He restores my soul (Psalm 23:3a, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for the hope we have in You for our recovery from brokenness and pain. Sometimes, we feel unable to manage the hurts of the day, yet we know that in our inability, You are our Perfect, Able Father. Help us to remember, no matter how bad the day, that our recovery will come. In Your name we pray, Amen!

     

My Response To Unwelcome Circumstances

     I have a pretty vivid memory when it comes to unwanted life situations. When we pass through things that are difficult, they are often referred to as "fiery trials". Passing through fire means we will experience painful burns- burns that are hard to erase from our memories, and likely have value in being remembered for the lessons they hopefully taught us. My mind goes back to one particular season of emotional pain- a time of separation from my husband following an affair. While I'm close to celebrating my fiftieth birthday, no season was more painful than those two years.
     For many months throughout that period of time, I struggled against acceptance. While I remained close to the Lord out of a desperation for comfort and help, I still despised my circumstance. "Why me?", I would ask Him. I would scan through my past actions, looking for a reason, wanting to know why this was part of my life's story. Most days, I felt it was an injustice to my "good girl" persona. I felt jilted- not only by my husband, but by God. I plodded along with these feelings for quite some time, and then there was a turning point that is emblazoned in my memory. 
     After my husband left home for the second time within the course of one year, I was heartbroken, yet relieved. God was still working on him, and at this point, I knew I had to wait until He broke him. But that's another story for another time. My turning point looked like this: a heaping mess face down on the floor of my bedroom trusting the Spirit to make the right words from my heart for the Father. I had to come to the point of surrender that for now, this was the reality that God allowed to touch my life, so He must have a purpose in it. He isn't cruel. He isn't without intention. And so I simply had to come to the point of surrender and acceptance that even though I didn't like it, somehow and some way, God would make it right. 
     Maybe you're up against a circumstance today that you don't want to be a part of your life journey. Life doesn't look like you wished it did today. So many of us are experiencing Covid related disappointments. Separations from those we love. Inability to worship collectively. Financial struggles and job loss. Small businesses closing the doors permanently as lifelong dreams die. Postponed weddings. Separations from loved ones suffering an illness or celebrating the birth of a new baby. It's not supposed to be this way, we think to ourselves. Why is God allowing this to happen to me?
     Life is going to have its share of disappointments. Things won't always go the way we wish they did. But how are you responding in those moments? Are you accepting them, trusting that God will bring good from them? Do you really believe He has purpose, for His good plans- even in this? Are you straining against what is, and wishing for what you really wanted? In these painful moments, God is looking for not only surrender, but acceptance. And from acceptance, the hope that joy is still possible- even if things don't work out my way. 
     God has lessons in our seasons of waiting. He wants us to trust Him when things are a mess. He wants us to serve Him, even when our hearts are hurting. He wants us to love Him, even when we are in that fire- and especially then. Whatever you may be experiencing today that wasn't a part of your plan in life- may you learn to surrender and accept what is. Pray for His will in your situation, and even when it doesn't measure up with your will, trust that He knows what He's doing. And never stop believing that around the bend, He has good things for you. And He hopes you'll be willing to use those burns to reach others who are walking the same fire as you. 

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5 (ESV)
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 (ESV)

Dear heavenly Father, life can be so hard somedays. Situations and circumstances come along that cause worry, pain and fear. Help us to trust You, even when things look out of control and completely different than we envisioned. Help us to surrender and accept what You allow in our lives, trusting You have good plans for us. In Your name we pray, Amen!

Why Me, Lord?

     if you've asked God "why", you're not alone...

     We start asking this question as soon as we learn it. If I had a nickel for every time my own children asked me "why", I would be a really rich woman. "Why are you big, and I'm little?" Or, "why does she get to go, but I don't?" So many "whys" in life, and they don't stop as we grow up. In fact, the questions still come and become more and more complicated as we age.  It always remains—this desire to understand things, and our need for answers. And while we usually go to parents, other family members, or friends for answers, we also find ourselves asking God "why". After all, He knows everything, and allows things to happen, so we naturally turn our "whys" upward. I'm really glad He's okay with that.
     My "why" questions really transformed as I grew up. From trivial questions about my little world and the basics of life, they took a new turn. Why am I single, and everyone else seems to have someone? Or why do they get to have children, and I keep having miscarriages? And then there were the "whys" of my marriage problems. Why do other people get to have "normal" marriages, and mine is a mess? Why did my marriage journey include an affair? Why does my faith seem to constantly be tested? These are questions we ask God with desperation, needing some sort of answer, or at the very least, reassurance that even in the middle of life's messiness, He still loves us.
     Some of our questions will be answered, and some won't. Even those that we don't feel are answered, actually are, they just weren't answered the way we hoped, or as clearly as we wanted them to be. But we do know that God always hears us, and He always cares. We often feel heartbroken when He doesn't give us the answer we want, and feel ignored or uncared for. But when we understand the character of God, we know we are wrong to ever assume this about Him. While He understands our questions, He answers in ways that we often don't understand. This is because our vision is so localized to where we are right now in this part of our journey, that we can't see the bigger picture—but God can. When my "whys" don't get answered, God is asking me to simply trust Him. My withheld answers are intended to bolster my faith—not a faith in the answer, but faith in God.
     What questions are you struggling with today? What has God allowed to happen in your life that seems unjust or unfair? Why does God call some of us to go through some really difficult stuff? We will always wrestle with our "whys" because we are earthly minded. I have asked God many times in my own journey, "why me, Lord?" And at times when I'm really desperate for an answer I often get discouraged and impatient—and sometimes, even angry. While I may not know why things are they way they are right now, I do know that God can be trusted and He is always in control. And so when I'm faced with my biggest "why" questions in life, may I remember the goodness and faithfulness of God. He doesn't mind my questions, but He does ask that I trust Him and obediently follow Him, even when I can't see or understand where He's leading me. If we had all the answers, we wouldn't need faith. And without faith, it is impossible to please God. As I move forward, without knowledge of the outcome, may I know that God will never lead me where He won't use me. And somedays, that is the only answer I need.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9 (ESV)
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now i know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12 (ESV)
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. James 1:5 (ESV)

Dear heavenly Father, we thank You for always hearing our questions and we pray that You will give us patience as we wait for answers. We are thankful for the wonderful gifts You have given us, and we pray for faith when answers seem far away. In Your name we pray, Amen!

     

Faith or Freaking Out?

     It was a cool December day, and I remember it all too well. Something was wrong in my marriage, and I felt weighed down with anxiety. Something wasn't right, and for the first time in my 24 1/2 year marriage, I felt very fearful. My husband's location did not match what he had verbally told me, and that's all it took to make that sick feeling way down in the pit of my stomach. It wasn't a fear you could easily hide, no, my face said it all! I couldn't act normal, instead, I felt on the verge of hysteria. In that moment, I desperately needed God, yet it was almost too much to comprehend, let alone pass it on to Someone more capable, as crazy as that now sounds.
     Even this past weekend, I felt that awful familiar feeling of dread once again. A warm, relaxing Saturday shower was my current agenda, followed by a day of household chores and some baking. As I dried off and checked my phone, a text thread between my siblings grabbed my attention. It's not an easy piece of news to swallow hearing that the woman who cared for me, supported and loved me for all of my 49 years, was being rushed to the ER for a suspected stroke. Fear again- an awful enemy that the devil uses to derail us, and shift our faith from God, to helplessness. 
     I thank God for His willingness to be an intimate part of my life. Not only as an observer, but an integral help and support system that I can't imagine living without. God calls us to faith- faith that He is able to handle all of the awful, and not so awful circumstances of our lives. While I know that in theory, it's often hard to recall when I receive crushing news. I am guilty of feeling panic first, until I remember that isn't His way for me. 
     How do you respond to bad news, a serious illness or even suspicions? Do you feel immediately fearful? Does anxiety get the best of you, like it often does for me? It's true, that some news you'll receive, will forever change your life. Some news means an end to an earthly relationship with someone we dearly love. Some news means my own life is in jeopardy. In those moments, it's naturally hard not to feel panicked, yet God wants us even then, to trust Him and lean on Him for stability and help. But too often, it's a process for me- panic first, try to re-gain some sort of control I actually don't even possess, and then remember that God is available to help me through the good and the bad. 
     My marriage did fall apart from infidelity, but thank God that wasn't the end of our story! God is restoring our marriage one day at a time. And my sweet mom? She is recovering at home with only minor evidence of the TIA she was diagnosed with. Sometimes, the answers from God are really good ones, but sometimes, things don't work out the way we desperately longed for. Even then, God asks us to trust Him. It doesn't mean we won't feel hurt and heartbroken- He understands that we will. But even on those harder days, He is working out a story that involves all of us- saved or lost. We are all a piece to a puzzle of ultimate redemption, and while some of the working together of the pieces causes us heartache and pain, the finished product is exactly as it should be- a perfect picture revealing the glory of God. So in these days of living and learning, gains and losses, God is reminding me often of how I really need Him. He's tenderly calling out to me, "Ruth- just trust Me, I won't ever leave you!" So when my heart gives in to fear, my prayer is that I'll remember He calls me to something infinitely better than panic- faith that He will see me through.

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV)
I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4 (ESV)
The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe. Proverbs 29:25 (ESV)
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, how often I'm guilty of fear before faith. I pray that each day, I'll be reminded of Your perfect ability to handle the things that are too big for me. I confess that when things are really painful, it seems difficult to trust it's all known to You, and permitted to happen. Help me especially in those times, to remember Your faithful love toward me, and how You long to walk me through the fire, carrying me safely through. In Your precious name I pray, Jesus, Amen!

     

What Keeps You Up at Night?

     What is your "I can't sleep" solution? Do you count sheep? Pray until you fall asleep? Do you take a Tylenol PM or melatonin to try to catch your Z's? From my earliest memories, I recall lying in bed with numerous thoughts running through my head, disrupting my sleep. I bet many can relate, and have spent countless night hours staring at the ceiling, simply thinking. My mind is a busy place. Even when my body is exhausted, my brain finds the energy to keep going- often over negative thoughts, ideas, and feelings. Other times, it just doesn't want to be quiet and can't seem to settle down from the activity and interactions of my day.
     Relationships cause many of my sleepless hours. "Mom moments" I would love to forget. Kid choices that cause concern and frustration. Friend conversations that didn't go the way I expected. Foolish words that were spoken that I would love to retract. Periods of time when my husband and I weren't connecting. These are some of the issues that spin through my mind in the darkness of the night. Then there are even bigger things- health problems, finances, spiritual battles, and painful breeches in relationships that steal peace and sleep. In those moments, I desperately need to feel God's presence with me.
     When my husband left home for a little over a year, sleep often eluded me. What should I do? What should I say? Where will I go? How will things end up? Between prayer and Fixer Upper, I would eventually find rest, but often not nearly as much as my body needed. I often wonder about menopause and our kids growing into early adulthood- how are we supposed to ever get good rest? I made a list of scriptures that point us to the only plausible answer- the presence of our Heavenly Father in the middle of all of it. 
     What is keeping you awake at night? Do you have concerns regarding your children? Is your marriage in a state that is causing you stress and fear? Is your career giving you anxiety? Are looming health issues eating away at your peace? Is your family in the middle of a messy battle? Whatever it is, it's eating at you, and robbing you of peace, sleep, and the joy and contentment God wants us to experience, even through our difficult seasons. And in the middle of the blackness and stillness of night, these problems seem insurmountable. And then after a restless nights sleep, we wake and remember this promise from our Father- "His mercies never come to an end; great is Your faithfulness" (Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV). 
     Friends- we know He is with us in our worries and fears, yet we often don't acknowledge His infinite ability to handle our stresses. Our enemy, the devil, seeks to disrupt our sleep and our lives with doubts and fears that our problems are too big for God to conquer. In the end, our worries only accomplish one thing- they rob us of our faith that He is willing and able to handle them for us. I am so guilty of this far too often. I wish I could write from a place of victory, but I simply can't. I struggle too. And each night that I find myself staring at the ceiling with a heavy mind, I can only do one thing- hand it all over to my Heavenly Father who is far more capable than me to take care of it all. Dear Jesus, I thank You that no matter how many times I fall into this trap, You always meet me there and rescue me!

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety. Psalm 4:8 ESV
It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil, for he gives to his beloved sleep. Psalm 127:2 ESV
I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the LORD sustained me. Psalm 3:5 ESV
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I confess so often failing to trust You with my problems, and instead, worrying late into the morning hours. My worry and fears don't accomplish anything good, so help me Father, in those moments, to truly give them over to You, allowing me to rest in Your perfect ability to handle them for me. In Your precious name I pray, Amen!
     

      

Lord, Help My Unbelief

Back in my 30's, I experienced a weird list of physical symptoms that left me discouraged, unwell, and simply stumped. From joint pain to strange marks on my skin, to intestinal issues, fatigue and other annoyances, I had no clue what was going on in my body. I saw a few different doctors only to get different diagnoses—none of which treatment ever seemed to help. I began to think others thought I was crazy, but deep in my heart I knew something was wrong with me. 

After years of dealing with these random symptoms, I finally got an infectious disease physician to discover the cause: Lyme disease and related co-infections. I never remember being bitten by a deer tick, but the evidence was present and making me feel miserable. 

During those years of feeling pain, I remember vividly pleading with God for healing, only to be disappointed that the symptoms lingered. I believed He could—I really did, but He chose not to give relief for over a decade. Did this make Him less able, or was my faith being tested?

Unwavering faith in God's ability in any situation is something I wish I could proclaim to have, but I've struggled with doubts before. I've had doubts over the state of my marriage—that God would be able to fix the mess we were in. I've had doubts that various friends or family members would be healed from serious illness. I've doubted my abilities as a mom, and how to handle certain situations. Doubting is not a distant possibility for me—I'm well acquainted with it, sadly. 

Doubt is a lack of trusting God, which on paper, sounds ridiculous. How could I doubt God when He has proved time and again His faithfulness to me? Satan uses these moments in our lives to whisper words of doubt—doubt that God is able to help us since He seems to be doing nothing about our problem presently. 

This brings to mind a story from Mark 9, which involves the father of a son possessed with an evil spirit. The boy had convulsions from this spirit and was unable to speak or to hear. The father had asked the disciples to heal him and they had been unable to so he brought him to Jesus. The man asked Jesus, "if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." Jesus questioned him saying, "if I can? All things are possible for the one who believes." The father then said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" Jesus then healed his son, but only after he believed in Jesus' ability to do so. 

Friends—can you relate to this father? I sure can! Sometimes I know my belief is clouded by fear. I feel He is able, yet my heart still feels doubtful. How I long to perfectly trust Him at all times and in all things! God really is always able, and yet I often need reminders through pain-filled, trust-building life experiences.      

What are you waiting for today? Does it seem impossible? Out of reach and unlikely? It is sometimes difficult to continue to believe God is able when He seems to be silent. These are thoughts I've often wrestled over myself, but waiting is actually good for me—as much as I dislike it. Waiting exercises my trust in the ability of God to do what may seem impossible. On the days when our waiting seems unbearable and the situation seems impossible, we can, like the father in Mark chapter 9, cry out to Jesus with the same words: "Lord, help my unbelief!" 

But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. James 1:6 ESV
And he said to them, "Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? Luke 24:38 ESV
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5 ESV
For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7 ESV

***what we must come to understand is that His ways are higher than our ways. He won't always give what we pray for—even if we believe He can. It's in those circumstances that we must trust His plan for saying "no" has a spiritual purpose greater than our healing.

Patterns and Rebuilding Trust

     Starting over again is a wonderful gift that only God could've given us. I am thankful each day that we are establishing a new marriage relationship, and not working toward a divorce. Things are brighter, better, and shine with promise. And while there is so much positive stuff going on, the damage from behind us lurks in the mind, and Satan beckons us to listen to his old spiel of garbage. What will we do with what he whispers to us, and how can we make sure we don't buy into his load of bull again?
     If you are the betrayed spouse and find yourself rebuilding a marriage that has been damaged by infidelity, you know the struggles associated with it. Any behavior out of the new norm causes anxious thoughts. There are certain triggers that would cause me to panic, should I see them arise. And even with our best plan to stay focused on the present, our past often calls out to us and tries to derail the progress we are making. 
     Our wonderful marriage counselor has given some great advice on this. Look for patterns, and unless they are there, push away doubts that may try to creep in. In the past, my husband had a clear pattern for behavior associated with infidelity. In the present, none of that behavior exists- therefore, I need to focus on the good that is happening, and refuse to listen to the lies of the devil. When I find my mind going to my old crazy place, I have chosen instead to focus on this scripture, full of hope and encouragement : "Finally brothers (or sisters), whatever is TRUE, whatever is HONORABLE, whatever is JUST, whatever is PURE, whatever is LOVELY, whatever is COMMENDABLE, if there is anything worthy of praise, THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS." (Philippians 4:8 ESV).
     Our mind is a complicated place, full of ideas and thoughts and imaginations. I am learning to train mine to focus on what is true, and not what may happen. There isn't really a better tool I've found for navigating through negative thought patterns, than to focus on the actual truth of this moment. God has used this scripture to re-train my brain from unhealthy places that can get me stuck in negativity from untruths. What a waste of my time and energy it is to stay in those bad places. If you're fighting against thoughts that hold no real truth or legitimacy in your present place, I encourage you to find the help and hope I have found in Philippians 4:8. Each time your mind goes to a place of worry and fear, train it instead, to think on things that are lovely, pure, honorable, just, praise worthy, and true! And in time, I believe with assurance, my brain will figure out it just isn't worth messing with Satan's lies. Our good God gives us all that we need to be successful within His Word! Praise the Lord for not leaving us alone in our struggles, but supplying our every need to be victorious over them!

And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 ESV
Lead me in truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. Psalm 25:5 ESV
Even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you. John 14:17 ESV
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. Psalm 51:6 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for the gift of Your Word, so full of all we need and yet we often struggle. We struggle because we don't use Your Word to give us truth and focus, and I confess that before You, Lord. I thank You for giving the gift of re-training our minds to focus on You and all that You are to us. Help me each day, to remember the power I possess in Your Spirit. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

A Surprise Text from my Estranged Husband

     If you've been following the story of my husband's deliverance, you read about him sending a text to me the morning after he discovered my blog. I woke up early that morning and noticed a long text from him, and was curious about the subject, but also thinking it was probably about moving forward with a divorce. I expected it, and was prepared with a lawyer, some information, and complete heartache.
     Instead, God gave me a window into a hope I wasn't expecting- a text filled with real sorrow and tenderness. While I had received plenty of texts throughout the year- some good and some bad, this one seemed genuine and different. It was different in that I expected only anger from his discovery of my blog... but here he was telling me about how it made him feel after the initial anger wore off. He mentioned shame, guilt and remorse. He offered words of apology and sorrow over his actions. 
     The one thing that stood out to me in his text was a feeling of hopelessness- that he felt he was forever ruined, and that tore at my heart. When you know God, and Satan isn't getting in the way with lies, you know that we are never beyond His grace and forgiveness. He loves us with a love so much greater than our human minds can comprehend. I longed for him to remember His grace, and I longed for him to remember how loved he was, and always would be. No matter what we do, no matter how far we fall, God's love is consistently the same. He doesn't love us more when we are obedient, and He doesn't love us less when we aren't.
     At this point, I wasn't sure where this would go, but I got to praying right away, and asked a few of my prayer partners to join me. These wonderful prayer partners were with me through the whole journey, and I know they pray for us still- for healing and recovery! I had no idea of the spiritual battle that would ensue in the day and days ahead, but God faithfully pursued His lost sheep, and brought him not only back to the fold- but in time, back to me as well! 
     If you're in a situation that feels hopeless, I want to challenge you to believe that with our God, no situation is hopeless. There were days my hope wavered, but when we believe the promises He makes to us in scripture, we can rest in knowing this - He will prevail in all circumstances. He is good no matter how bad today may feel. Friend, don't give up believing He will deliver you! As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, He is faithful to His Word. Trust Him while you wait- and know your day of deliverance will come!

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 ESV
"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7 ESV
But if we wait for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Romans 8:25 ESV
Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off. Proverbs 23:18 ESV
Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD! Psalm 31:24 ESV
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for keeping Your promises to us. We make promises and fail to keep them, but I can always count on You to keep Yours. On days when it seems impossible, on days when it seems unbearable- let me hold fast to Your promises of hope and deliverance. Your unfailing love is my constant source of joy, and I thank You for loving me faithfully. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Sunday Relationship Post- Secrets

     You can probably go way back to your earliest memories and recall the birth of secret keeping in your life. Whispers in the ears of your sister or brother that circled around a likely trivial thought or event. "Don't tell," we would say. Or those hushed voice conversations with our best friends at recess, revealing our deepest thoughts. Whatever your memories conjure up, these were harmless secrets we often did tell, even if we promised not to.
     Then life got a little more complicated, and so did the secrets. They took on a more serious tone now, with real consequences if we failed to uphold our promise to keep them. The truth is, we all need someone to talk to and share our feelings with, and oftentimes our burdens are carried by others when we feel free enough to share. Having a trusted confidant is invaluable when life throws up some curveballs. 
     Then comes marriage. This a place where secrets are dangerous. They divide us and cause distrust. While our spouse should be our greatest confidant, we often turn to others instead. When we are faced with serious issues, we need to have open communication in order to be able to share our struggles with our spouse. It's so important to feel comfortable sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings in a marriage. And if we feel things about one another that are things we see as issues, we need to go to our spouse for resolution, rather than an outside source. 
     There are secrets that are harmless- surprises for one another or sensitive information told to us through another relationship that will not have any impact on your marriage. But in most cases, secrets will cause trouble in a marriage, and open doors of distrust and insecurity. When it comes to infidelity, secrets are the root problem and in order to heal and reestablish trust, they are off limits. The importance of honesty and openness cannot be overstated. Simply put, make a promise to keep nothing from your spouse- not overspending, not an encounter with a flirt, not career decisions, not parenting issues, nor any other piece of information that should be openly shared. 
     God has called each of His children to honesty. We cannot keep secrets from Him since He knows all, and sees all. And He doesn't want us to keep them in our marriages either. Honesty is a characteristic we associate with a godly marriage, and if we want our marriage to be healthy and God honoring, secrets have no place in them. As difficult as it is, I challenge you to open the doors of your heart and mind with your spouse and put away secrets that divide, not unite. 

Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Luke 12:2 ESV
Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Ephesians 4:25 ESV
I tell you on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." Matthew 12:36-37 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I pray for honesty in my marriage and all of my relationships. Keep me from covering up secrets from those I love, and from tearing down trust in relationships I have with my loved ones. Help me to be a person of my word, and to be trusted by all that know me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Let Go, But Don't Give up Hope!

     I recently posted a blog about letting go, and how it was a lesson I had to learn. Apparently, feeling in control was very important to me and I was pretty challenged in learning to let go, and truly allow God to do His work. But I can tell you for certain, when my husband left that second time I felt defeated- I had surely lost the fight for my marriage. It sure looked that way, but I was trusting God to somehow carry me through to the "new" that He had for me.
     And that is where hope came in. I had placed hope in a restored husband and restored marriage, instead of placing my hope in Jesus Christ. My challenge was learning to place my hope in the plans He had for me- whatever they were. I had to believe that the plans ahead would someday, somehow, bring healing and joy. I had to believe that He loved me and would heal my heart and restore my brokenness. And I also had to believe that in some way, it was possible that my marriage wasn't over- but only if He opened the door. But in this moment, I had to let go and wait expectantly for the good He had planned for me.
     If you are walking through a valley, don't give up hope. Some days will look dark and nearly impossible to overcome, and yet God is able in every situation. When I got to this point in my journey, God quickly moved to throw open doors I never imagined. But that door didn't open until I let Him take over. We struggle with allowing God to take control of our lives and think we know better. God forgive me for my foolish ways of thinking! 
     One of my favorite promises found in scripture is found in 1 Peter 5:10. (And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.) Brothers and sisters, we are going to suffer trials in our lives: it's unavoidable living in am imperfect world. But we won't stay there forever! This scripture promises that after a little while, the God of grace will restore us once again. If we can wrap our minds around that truth in the valley, we can look forward with hope, knowing the mountaintop awaits us- and very soon, He will place us there! God, I thank You for delivering me from my distress, and for faithfully upholding Your precious promises to me! 

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 ESV
"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7 ESV
But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Romans 8:25 ESV
For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O LORD, from my youth. Psalm 71:5 ESV
Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off. Proverbs 23:18 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I pray I will let You have control in my life, and that I will never lose hope in Your promises to me. Thank You for walking me through my darkest days, and for victoriously leading me out into the "new" You have for me. Strengthen my trust and faith in You always, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

The Decision to Blog

     I'm a private person. I don't really like people to know personal things about me- especially bad things. And to be honest, for close to a year, I stayed quiet as much as possible about our marriage crisis. Infidelity is humbling and embarrassing- not something you want to just chat about with random people. Often, I didn't even want to talk about it with the people I loved the most. It's messy and complicated and full of heartache, so it is safer to hush up.
     Last summer, I felt a stirring inside me about using our story to reach others and hopefully use it for good. Each time I thought about it, I quickly brushed the idea aside to write a blog. At the time, I began writing a book. This book is a 6 week daily devotion for betrayed spouses. I had visions of one day seeking publishing for it, but I honestly didn't know if I would ever pursue publishing. This book is personal to me, and I wasn't ready to share even though I felt God preparing me to open up through writing. Today, that book is in editing for publishing and I feel overwhelmed at God's blessing.
     I have always enjoyed writing, but until it came from my heart, I struggled to connect thoughts to paper. Infidelity is something people don't talk about, but a reality for so many. In my circles I rarely hear about it which made me feel pretty lonely in my journey through it. The thing is this- I know it's happening, and I know it's a real issue, yet when people don't talk about it, there is little help to gain from others that understand. Yes- parts of the story are too personal and not beneficial to share, but keeping quiet was becoming a burden, and God was nudging me to have the courage to publicly share my story.
     The biggest drawback for me was fear- fear of what my husband would think or say. We were not together when I started this blog initially, and I knew he would be upset with me if he found it (and I knew he would, in time). Right before he left in late December, I wrote my first blog entry and it sat on my computer for a few days. I was literally terrified when I thought of hitting "publish". And each day, God spoke to me asking me to do what I was afraid to do. I didn't understand what He planned to do with it at the time, but on this side of the story, I am blown away (and when you read more of my blog, you will be too;). If fear is holding you back from doing something God has called you to do, I want to urge you to have the courage to listen to His voice. If He is speaking and you're sure it's Him, He has a purpose in what He is asking of you. Let go of the fear, and simply trust Him. And when you see what He has planned, just like me- you'll be blown away!

Whoever is of God hears the words of God. John 8:47a ESV
And he said to them, "Pay attention to what you hear: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you, and still more will be added to you. Mark 4:24 ESV
Make me to know your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I will wait all the day long. Psalm 25:4-5 ESV
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, sometimes fear holds me back from listening to Your voice. Help me let go of my fear and simply follow You wherever You would have me to go, or whatever You call me to do. I thank You for loving me and for investing in my little world and for speaking to me. May I have an attentive ear to Your voice always, Lord. In Your precious name I pray, Amen!
      
     

Different

     I am one that finds change unsettling. I like familiar. I don't find bumps in the road exciting, most of the time. I like my routines- not that I don't like vacations from routine, but there is comfort in doing the same things. Familiar feels safe and soothing, while unexpected jolts can be frightening and worrisome. 
     While I know there are never guarantees for tomorrow, I still have dreams of my future. I think it's normal and healthy to prepare for what is ahead, and when I see myself years down the road, I had a vision. I saw my husband and I celebrating the weddings of our children, hand in hand. I could see grandbabies, and the joy they would bring us. I envisioned trips to Grandma and Grandpa's house, and all the spoiling we would do, together. I saw bucket list trips we would enjoy in our later years, when the kids were gone, and it was quieter around here. I saw years of caring for one another, and serving our Lord together. But I never imagined this wouldn't be so- by choice.
     I understand that my future vision could change from an accident or illness. But what I didn't see, was that it could be altered from a failure to commit. I never looked into my golden years, seeing all of this unfold as separate entities- my life, and his life. And yet, when an affair presented itself, I was no longer certain of what could be. I envisioned all of those future events with tension. How would we act towards one another? How would we learn to have a new relationship, outside of marriage? These were not things I enjoyed thinking of, and prayed that somehow, God will enable me to have the strength to live whatever He had for me, faithfully. 
     Life often presents us with "different", doesn't it? We are going along our merry way, and BAM- we get hit with unexpected twists and turns we weren't anticipating. Some changes are good, and exciting, and others bring us heartache and pain. I find such comfort in the faithfulness of God. He is with me today, and whatever tomorrow presents, He will be there as well. While we can't know exactly what our future holds, we can know He will meet us there. Life isn't predictable. But I am ever grateful for a God who is unchanging! So as I look ahead at my future, I can release the tension I feel at the unknown, and trust that He will lovingly care for all that is ahead for me!

But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15 ESV
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV
Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds. Psalm 36:5 ESV
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, while I can feel afraid at times, at what lies ahead, help me to remember that You will meet me there. I never have to fear that You will leave me, or let me down. No matter what comes my way, You are faithfully with me- loving, guarding, guiding and protecting. Thank You for your faithfulness to me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Anxiety and Infidelity

     Maybe you're someone who has struggled with worry and anxiety throughout your life, and maybe you even know the particular anxiety associated with infidelity. Since I was a little girl, I have been known to be anxious. A new school year, an oral report in college, a first date, or a dentist appointment (even a cleaning because they might say I have a cavity) can make my heart race, and keep me awake at night. I spent the early morning of my wedding day sick to my stomach because I would be the focus of attention for the day. A broken tooth or a root canal, could put me in cardiac distress;) 
     I have always been frustrated with anxiety, and wished for a way to get rid of it. I tried prayer, and I still worried- and I hated that. I tried medication, and it did help a lot, but I still worried. I asked God to help me have greater faith and trust, and had no idea how that would occur. When my husband left initially, and even just prior to that day, I was the most anxious I had ever been before. 
     There are so many problems and scenarios that run through the brain of a betrayed spouse. There are numerous questions in the "why" category- why did he do this, why did I not notice sooner, and why am I not enough? Then there were the "what" questions- what will I do, what should I say to people, what about our children, and what will ultimately happen? And then the "how" questions- "how will I support myself, how could he leave us, how can a christian do this, and how will I ever be ok? So many issues caused a feeling of restlessness and fear, and yet I knew God's presence with me.
     When you face the tougher things in life, we find out a lot about our faith- not faith that I belong to God (I knew that I did), but faith in His ability to handle 100% of my burdens. I realized that my faith was weak, and my worry was a result of trying to handle things bigger than me. If I didn't know Christ as my Savior, then the burdens are mine to figure out. But when I serve the Almighty God, I am foolish to carry my own burdens, when He wants me to hand them over to Him. 
     For most of a year, I struggled against handing my anxious thoughts, and worries, over to Jesus. I felt a need for control that I found out, I never really had. While my husband was warring against Satan in one way, I was warring against him in another- he was using my worries to cause me to doubt the ability of my Heavenly Father. When I recognized this, it was such a relief to know that I could just give up. Not giving up in defeat, but simply letting go of trying to control the outcome of my marriage, and just leaving it with God. When I was able to come to this place, I knew that whatever God had for me, was the absolute best, and I would be content with whatever that was. Will I ever worry again? I am sure that I will (especially at the dentist). But I hope I can look back to this time in my life when I was so aware of my inability, and He displayed His perfect ability to fight my battles for me. 

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7 ESV
I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 ESV
So we can confidently say, "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?" Hebrews 13:6 ESV
Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to lay down each burden, as I get them. I am unable to handle them properly on my own, but You are perfectly capable. Forgive me for feebly trying to manage my troubles, and then falling to anxious thoughts. Lord, Your power and authority make You the perfect solution to our troubles, and so I place them at Your feet. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Limbo- A Season of Waiting

     I am not one known for patience. I can be patient with people, but when it comes to life, I don't like to wait. If I decide to paint a bedroom on a whim, chances are the walls will be that color within 48 hours time. That's just me. If I have a spectacular gift for someone, I could be persuaded to give it early, because the anticipation kills me. So when I was called to wait on an ultimate answer for which direction my marriage would take, I was restless and impatient. I like quick fixes, not long periods of limbo. 
     I begged God for a quick fix. I wanted immediate answers. But quick fixes and immediate answers do not build trust in God. There are lessons in the season of limbo that we don't want to miss. As much as I wanted release from this season of pain, God wanted to change my heart and build up my faith in Him. As humans, we don't like painful seasons, but what can come out of them is beautiful. 
     In the time since my husband first left, there have been good days and bad days. We have drawn closer at times, and then torn apart again. Some days I believed we would reconcile, and others I wondered if it would end with a day in a lawyer's office, signing papers. My mind was in turmoil, and I grappled with gaining some sort of control over the situation. But God had other plans for me, and wanted to remind me Who is in control, and Who is best in control. 
     What I learned is that limbo is an opportunity. A quick release from my situation would have never grown my faith in God. I would have learned that life can right itself, and move on without really knowing Him. If you have never lived in a painful season of limbo, then you unfortunately don't know God in the same way. That's not to lessen your relationship with Him, but painful seasons draw us to His strength, comfort, hope, and voice, in a whole new way. 
     It's hard to not know our future regarding our marriages, but in reality, our future isn't known to us anyways. What can seem secure and permanent, can be removed in a moment. No matter what your situation is, God wants us to trust Him. If it's scary, and dark, and uncertain- trust Him. If it's bright, and promising, and optimistic- trust Him. Our circumstances don't define God's trustworthiness. Our marriages don't change His faithfulness. What we can know, and where we can find security, is in Him alone. If we are putting our faith and trust in anything or anyone else, we will experience disappointment. When we trust God in those low places, we will find the strength and courage to rise from them, knowing He is changing our character for His good purposes. So, if you're waiting, wait with patience- His will for you will be the very best, and worth waiting for!

The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. Lamentations 3:25 ESV
Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD! Psalm 27:14 ESV
But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 ESV
Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. Psalm 33:20 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to learn to trust You in all situations. It can be so hard to wait for answers, and yet You can use waiting to build my faith. While we don't know what tomorrow holds, we do know You are faithfully there. May I seek to follow Your will for my life, knowing any other way will lead to disappointment and pain. I thank You for being in my todays, and my tomorrows. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!