Accepting Disappointments in Life

 I was in eleventh grade and I liked this guy. I was sure he could be the one for me. He was nice, loved God, and was easy on the eyes. I prayed about him, and waited. I waited a while longer, and prayed a little more. The days passed and then the months passed, and it still didn't happen. Next thing I knew, he had a serious girlfriend, and it wasn't going to happen. Freshman year of college-the same scene played out in my heart. I liked him, I hoped for him, but no matter what I prayed, or how long I waited, it just didn't happen. My heart was bruised and I was disappointed, yet God held out longer still before my soul mate would be revealed. My friends all seemed to be dating, and I remained unhappily single. 

I can go back to my late 20's and see a similar situation play out in my life once again. All I ever really wanted was to be a wife and a mom. God finally had given me my long awaited love, but I was still waiting to be a mother. My first pregnancy ended in a surgery room. What was left of my baby was removed as my heart was shattered in a million pieces. I had longed for that child. I had prayed for that child, yet God didn't allow me to parent my first little one-nor did He allow my second baby to safely live until delivery. My heart once again faced severe disappointment as I waited for its desire to be granted. 

Elusive love and delayed motherhood are just some of the disappointments I've faced in life. I've had my writing material rejected, I've been passed over for projects I hoped to work on, I've had dreams that fizzled and died, and I've lost friends and family members I prayed would make it through. I've watched my husband walk out the door, devastating my heart in ways nothing else could. The truth is, life can be really hard, and if we aren't prepared for those disappointing seasons, we won't be able to stand firm when they hit us like a ton of bricks.

One of the hardest truths out there is realizing that just because I'm God's child, I'm not promised an easy path. In fact, we are told in scripture that if we are His children, we will experience heartache and pain. Just as we discipline our own kids in order that they will mature and grow into responsible adults who contribute well to society, God disciplines us in order to make us grow and mature into children He can use for His kingdom work. Withholding discipline from us would result in lazy children-children unwilling and unable to fulfill our spiritual purposes. 

Looking back now behind me, I can see how many of my disappointments were for my own good. Had I been given the first guy I prayed for, I would not have the privilege of the love God gave me in my husband. And that guy? He wandered from God and did not live a life of spiritual purpose and usefulness. I can now see God's hand of protection in denying the prayers of my young heart. And while I did not get to mother my first two children, I can see how God placed a more tender love in my heart for the two He did allow me to mother. I clearly see the gift in being their mom, and my heart was softened toward my two blessings in ways I can't put into words. 

Maybe life isn't going the way you wish today. Your heart may be struggling with rejection. You may have been led along and then painfully dumped. You may be waiting for motherhood, wondering why God is holding out. Your heart may be shattered by infidelity or abuse. You may be grappling with a diagnosis that doesn't seem fair, and God seems so far away. Our world is broken, and it's not possible to live here and not have the cost of sin touch our lives. But we are given a promise as God's children-we are never, ever, ever alone. We are not forgotten. He always hears our prayers. He always loves us and because He does, He will allow painful things to transform us from being "self-focused" to "God-focused." 

Disappointments are part of life-it's true. But when we look at them as being an integral part of refinement, we can better accept that we must face disappointment if we are to grow. And we will not grow the way God wants us to, if we despise our disappointments and blame God for not giving us what we wanted. We would be like spoiled kids, mad that we didn't get our way, even when our way isn't what's best for us. We won't have all the answers this side of eternity-some disappointments may never make sense here. But when we understand that our God is a good God, then we have to trust Him even when we don't get it. So whatever you're battling today, hold on to the promise that God is doing something good through your disappointing circumstances. He has a better plan, and we don't always need to understand it-we just need to be willing to allow Him to work His good purposes through us. 

Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10, ESV).

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world (John 16:33, ESV)."

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6, ESV).

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (1 Thessalonians 5:18, ESV).

Dear heavenly Father, forgive me for how often I long for my own way, despising Yours. Disappointments will come, and when they do, help me to remember that even when my heart is hurting, You will bring about good through my obedience to Your plan and purpose for me. In Your name we pray, Amen!

She's Prettier Than Me

     Comparison. The thief of self-confidence. The lurking doubt in our mind that we don't measure up. Women are notorious at playing this game, and it steals our joy and confidence. Men play it too, but they are known to give themselves a pass far sooner than we are. We are often our own worst enemy when it comes to our appearance. While we know as fact that we are created a masterpiece, in the image of God, our hearts lack the knowledge that this is actual truth.
     These are the words of our enemy, and they are likely present in your mind, no matter how aesthetically pleasing your features are:
She is prettier than I am.
I don't like my ______.
I would look better if only _____.
I would be more accepted if I ______.
Trust me. I know these phrases, because I've heard them over and over again in my own spirit. They hurt, and they cause fear, doubt and uncertainty. If you've been betrayed or rejected, they are louder than they ever were in the past. We all hear them though, so what do we do about it?
     It is absolutely true that God looks on the inward appearance, and finds our value there. But sadly, we live in a world that looks on the outside first, and then decides our value. It's a backward culture, but one we must learn to live in with a measure of confidence. Over-confidence is another subject altogether, and one we often link to vanity and narcissism. So what is the balance we hope to embrace, as children of God? How do we live with a sense of confidence that God made us beautiful, and accept that as truth with a humble spirit?
     If I claimed to have all the answers, I would be lying- because I still wrestle with these whispered words that cause self-doubt. I look in the mirror and notice my faults much more than any other physical feature I possess. So I write this to myself- and not just to you! If you're married, it's important to make an effort to look your best, but it's also important to know they love you when you look your worst. Yet the hardest reality we face is that we often feel less attractive, due to our opinion of someone we believe to be more attractive than we are. Women often allow this to cause feelings of insecurity and jealousy, especially in the face of sexual betrayal.
     If you are married or in a relationship, I want to encourage you to build up your partner. We have tremendous power to squelch the feelings of insecurity in our spouse by our words and actions. Another valuable resource we have to combat insecurity is to see what God has to say about us in His Word. God would not send His only Son to die for someone He deemed worthless. We know from scripture that God doesn't love us based on our physical appearance- in fact, He is far more interested in our heart. 
     Our beautiful Savior, Jesus, was described as One without majesty or beauty that we should be attracted to Him for His physical appearance (see Isaiah 53). Yet was there ever One more beautiful than our Lord? Real beauty flows from our heart- outpouring into our attitude, presence, words, and actions. And while we live here, we have a distorted view of beauty, failing to recognize the beauty that truly counts. God help us to shed our insecurities and embrace the heart of Your Spirit within us. Help us to turn our eyes from the mirror and instead, fasten them on You. May I, like You, look on the hearts of others, rather than assign worth on physical attributes. Forgive me, Lord, for often being critical of who You created me to be!

Do not let your adorning be external- the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear- but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 1 Peter 3:3-4 (ESV)
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30 (ESV)
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to remember how You see me- precious and so loved. It's so easy to get sidetracked with beauty and vanity and miss real beauty- the beauty of a heart of loving devotion to You. In Your name I pray, Lord, Amen!

     

Home in Body

     One of my favorite times of the day, was when my husband walked in from work, and everyone was home. Our day time separation was over, and my heart just felt lighter when he was with me. When he left, there was a huge hole in my life- no one to come in the door at the end of the day, and share my evening with. Yes, I had my kids, but it's a different connection with a spouse. I missed him, and I missed the way things had been years before. 
     When we had our initial reconciliation, I felt excited. Someone would come home to me again, and someone would share life by my side. I would get a phone call around 5:00, and have a dinner companion by 6:00. Things felt good, but we weren't where I really wanted to be. We reconciled because it was the "right thing to do," and sometimes, that just isn't enough. What was missing was a firm foundation in Christ, and allowing Him to make us new. 
     And so we made a go of it, on our terms. He felt better by doing what was right, and I felt hopeful that in time, God would reach his heart. I prayed God would use me to draw him closer to Jesus, and made an initial effort in making this work. But as the days passed, it was obvious that without Him at the center of our marriage, it would not be the better marriage we had hoped for. And after only a short 6 weeks time, I already noticed a shift in his devotion to me.
     I knew it was happening again. The signs were all there. His phone became unavailable to my sight, and he withdrew. I would see him texting someone in a way where he would hide his phone from view, or he would lean back to text. His phone calls to me became short, so he had the rest of the commute home to talk to the one he really desired. He stopped texting me throughout his work day, and when I sent him messages, I would get one word answers. He avoided being home, and worked as much as possible to stay away from me. He became sarcastic and uncaring. And I realized that while I had my husband home in body, his spirit was elsewhere.
     Have you felt this? Living together, but worlds apart? Goodness, it stinks! And in those times, it is much more comfortable to not have them home, than to have them home against their wishes. I felt like a burden. I felt twice rejected, and unwanted. I felt resigned to a life without him, and was beginning to think that was our destiny. I chastised myself for allowing him to come back home as a man I wasn't satisfied with- a man living apart from God. I had never walked this journey, and felt having him home was better than having him somewhere else. But if God isn't at the center of it, it isn't time. What a painful lesson that was to learn.
     My story made me think of God. While He always knows my motives for returning to Him, He never turns me away. If I run, He pursues. I often return with a heart lacking enthusiasm, and yet He welcomes me, regardless of my heart. But He won't stop with me there- He will continue with me, until He not only captures my attention, but captures my heart. Oh God, forgive me for my wayward heart; a heart that has hurt You with my selfishness. Give me a heart devoted to Your ways, and Your Son! Help me to see myself through my husband's rejection, and return to You with abandon. Help me to serve You, not out of duty, but out of heart spilling over with love. And when I do, I will see my husband with Your eyes- lost, and in need of Your pursuit. 

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! Psalm 139:7-8 ESV
You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. Deuteronomy 6:5 ESV
This Jesus is the stone that was rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone. Acts 4:11 ESV
And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. Matthew 7:25 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to keep You at the center of my marriage, and all relationships. When anything else is substituted, I fail and struggle. Help me to see my own condition before You, when I see my wayward spouse. May my heart be turned to You, not by obligation, but by absolute devotion. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

How Infidelity Wounds Body Image

     If there is one thing I am certain of, it is how body image greatly suffers in the face of infidelity. Nothing invalidates us more than being passed over for someone else. The wounds don't quickly disappear, and may be a life struggle. We can seem to feel pretty confident in our looks and who we are, until we are rejected by our spouse. Those who have experienced this, can give me a painful head nod. 
     Rejection is an enemy of body image. We have the best intentions of feeling SELF confident, until it crumbles under the disapproval of our spouse. Never were my eyes more critical of myself than when I was faced with the awful truth of being left for another woman. What is it in me that is lacking, I wondered? Now let me be honest- I had a couple ideas up my sleeve already, since we women are generally pretty hard on ourselves. And since I'm being vulnerable here, I will let you in on my insecurities. 
     My primary insecurity is my loose, motherly stomach. If only it were still firm and flat, then maybe I would not be in this predicament. And where did all this cellulite come from? I used to try so hard to GAIN weight when I was younger. And why must my hair be so thin? I wish it was thick, full and naturally wavy. And if you really take a good look at me, I have a double chin. There- my flaws are out there for all of my blogging stumblers to find. 
     But the more I looked for my faults, the more I found the love of Christ. No matter what faults I saw, He chose me. No matter how many gray hairs I have, He knows each one, and completely accepts me. How shallow of me to question my body image in the face of sexual betrayal. Was my cellulite or double chin to blame for this mess? There is such a relief when we realize that our faults don't justify this kind of behavior. And if our love is based on physical traits, we don't know love. Too often, we fall into the trap of earning love based on sexual appeal and physical features. While it's true that we want to look nice and maintain our appearance for our spouse, it's also true that our love needs much deeper roots than that. 
     If your flaws are deflating you, step back and remember God's thoughts of you. He never holds cellulite or thin hair against us- He is far too busy looking at our hearts. Our culture puts far too much value on the outside appearance, and we miss the heart of those right in front of us. Some hearts are hurting and bruised. Some hearts are hard and lost. We need to really see others for who they are, instead of what they look like. God created you in His image. He loves us so much that He sent His Son to die in our place at Calvary. Don't miss the hearts of those you love, and don't be afraid to show yours to others. We are so much more than a face or a figure. Release your flaws to Him, knowing that we all have them. In the eyes of our Precious Savior, we are treasured beyond measure.

But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7 ESV
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14 ESV
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30 ESV
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father,
Help me to remember that You gave your life to spare mine. It's so shallow to be focused on our outward appearance and miss the hearts of those around us. I pray for people to see my heart as well, and I pray that when they do, they will find You there. Thank You for loving me without limitations or conditions, and help me to love others with that same abandon. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Loneliness Along the Journey

     Perhaps one of the hardest things we face when left by a spouse, is loneliness. I am a "people person." I love being around people. They don't even necessarily have to be talking to me; it's nice to just know someone is there. This goes beyond a body being present with us- we like to know someone is there for us on every level. If we are sick, they are there to care for us. If we had a bad day, they are there to give us a hug and encourage us. If we are afraid, they are the first to show up for us. They are a hug when we walk in the door and a "goodnight" before we turn over to sleep. They are a hand to hold in the car, and a shoulder to cry on. They pray with us, laugh with us, dream with us, and listen to us. They are "our person." 
     Friends can step into some of those empty places, but at the end of the day, they go home to their own "person." It doesn't feel fair, to be left alone along the journey of marriage, by choice. The house feels empty. The bathroom sink has only my things. One toothbrush. Empty chair at the table. Quiet in bed. No plans for Valentine's Day. No kisses. No one to take care of the leaks and squeaks in the house. No call on the way home from work. Empty.
     I have a friend who understands this loneliness. I love how she works through it on the tougher days. She sits a chair in her bedroom and puts her Bible on it as a visual. And she talks to Jesus just as she would to her missing husband. She tells Him about her day. She tells Him about her worries and fears. She asks Him for help and wisdom. She finds courage and strength in His very real presence. He's closer than a chair to us- He is within us. 
     God isn't happy for my loneliness- it wasn't what He wanted for me. But He will use it to exercise my faith in Him, and call me to a higher level of trust in Him. It wasn't God's plan for me to be left alone this way, but He knew it would happen. And just as He knew it would, He will care for me in my loneliness. He will step into those lonely moments and days, in ways that are precious and humbling. I can choose to allow my loneliness to lead to bitterness, or I can choose to allow it to lead me to better places. Better than this present place of fear, rejection and being alone. God really does have blessings for me- even in the "here" that I don't really like. 
     As christians, we will experience valleys. It's part of living in a sin-filled world. Choices and decisions will be made that will hurt us. We will hurt others as well, along this life journey. But we must be able to look, even while we are in a valley, at our Savior- the One Who will bring us back up to a mountain top. It will happen, in His time. But for now, in the quiet of this phase of life, may God help us to grow in Him. May we depend on Him in ways we never have before. Whether our mountain top is here, or heaven, only He knows. But when we trust Him in the valley, we are promised an eternal reward that far outweighs the loneliness of this valley! Hold on to that hope, knowing our God always keeps His promises to us!

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 ESV
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, give me comfort in this lonely season of life. This valley is a challenge, but I pray You will exercise my faith and trust in You. Help fill the empty spaces with Your loving Presence. Help me to use this lonely time to reach out to others who are walking this same journey, pointing them to You. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

The Pain of Rejection

     We all struggle with insecurities and things that make us feel like we come up short. We wish we were thinner, younger, smarter, more organized, more talented, better looking, and a handful of other things. We are usually our own worst critics. I can see my own flaws so easily, and fail to see the good qualities I possess. Couple that with rejection from your spouse, and you have a real recipe for feeling sad and insecure. 
     We've heard it since we were young if we grew up in church. We are told we are beautiful in God's eyes- a masterpiece. And while that sounds good to our ears, it doesn't seem to speak louder than being cast aside by our spouse. We get waylaid by the rejection, and wonder what is wrong with us. Why am I not good enough? Was it my extra pounds, double chin, or maybe my cellulite? Was I not interesting or exciting to be around? Maybe I was too silly or too serious. Whatever the case, we begin to doubt ourselves, and our qualities. When we listen to the voices of rejection, we fall into Satan's trap for us. It holds us captive in self pity and insecurity, and puts us in a form of bondage that God doesn't want for us. 
     The bottom line when it comes to marriage, is even if I tacked on 100 extra pounds, grew a second nose, or acquired a disfiguring injury, none of that disqualifies me from being chosen by my spouse. If I chose to talk less or laugh too loud, it may be annoying, but it isn't an excuse to look elsewhere. Marriage isn't based on our qualifications, but on a vow made before our Heavenly Father. When a married person forgets this, it is deeply disappointing to God, and is emotionally traumatic to their spouse. 
     If you're stuck in the hurt of feeling rejected, I am so sorry. I won't say I don't understand, because I do. I could sit beside you, shoulder to shoulder, and tell you "me too." It hurts to be told that you aren't wanted anymore. We touched on it earlier in this post, but we need to listen closer to God's voice. We really are a masterpiece! We really are fearfully and wonderfully made. Those are truths told to us by our Creator. He doesn't tell lies or change His mind about what He has said. These are statements that can set us free from our insecurities. God promises us, even in the middle of this painful journey, that better days are ahead for us. He DOES have good plans for us. He will never reject us, and His love will never fail. Let's cling to these words from God's Word: 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14 ESV
For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10 NLT
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to live in truth rather than Satan's lies. Help me escape the trap of insecurity so I can live with purpose- Your purpose for me! Give healing and help in this dark part of my journey, and help me remember the hope of better days ahead. Thank you for Your faithful love, and for accepting all who come to You, and never rejecting us. It is a privilege to be accepted by You, Lord, and I thank You for not overlooking me, or setting me aside. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!