One summer, on the way back from a seven day cruise, my sister's family and ours decided we didn't want our summer vacation to be over, so we made a detour to Jekyll Island. We had passed signs for the island many times, and thought it could be a fun place to crash an extra day or two. The internet picture of the place we chose to stay, looked wonderful. With excited kids, and happy adults, we made the exit to our extended stay. Upon arrival to the actual island, we started to feel a little skeptical. But when we pulled into our hotel, things slowly got stranger and stranger. You know how you get a weird vibe sometimes? Well, that was the case here in Jekyll Island. From the biting flies, the rocky beach, and the really strange hotel, we decided to leave. It wasn't what we had hoped for, and so we packed up our stuff, our kids, and hit the road for a Hampton Inn. Not what we planned, and certainly not fancy, but we just didn't want to stay in Jekyll.
Relationships can be a lot like this. We have high hopes as we head into it, and then feel disappointed when we realize it isn't what we thought it would be. She wasn't as fun and carefree, and he wasn't as structured or driven. He wasn't a saver, and she wasn't an optimist. She wasn't as skinny, and he wasn't as stylish. The truth is, we all put on our best front in the beginning, but it's just that- a front. Inside, we are all broken, and we all have our share of struggles. Our world would tell us to move on, to find someone else, to get a divorce. But most often, the answer won't be there either. A new relationship or marriage will have its own set of challenges, and you'll be faced with the same decision: go, or stay.
Now let's be clear from the beginning: I am not condoning a person to stay in an abusive marriage or relationship of any nature. There are some character traits that will need change in order to safely remain. These circumstances are not the point of my blog post today. What I am talking about, is the ability to recognize our tendencies to run when things don't go the way we planned. Some marriages will face some pretty big obstacles: the death of a family member, infidelity, addiction, mental health issues, a serious illness, financial struggles, and many others. What will you do when your marriage faces a crisis? Many times, we feel it's easier to run, than to face the situation we find ourselves in. I want to encourage any who are feeling this way today to simply reconsider.
Relationships are hard, and there's no getting around that truth. The only perfect Person to have walked this earth was Jesus- all the rest of us are simply going to mess up. Satan will try to convince us there is someone better suited for us. He will try to make you believe you deserve something better. But at the very core of christianity, is the story of grace. Undeserved grace. Something we receive each day from God's heart, and not a one of us deserves it. If Jesus was our earthly example of how to love, then we will choose to love, even when it's hard. And just as He always is with us and promises not to leave, so we should do the same with our spouse. You can leave- but you'll soon discover the flaws in the next person you choose to love.
Marriage vows are serious promises. They are much more serious than a side trip to Jekyll Island. Somedays, staying is hard. Somedays, you'll almost listen to the lies that there is a better plan for you. There is joy in choosing grace in face of our spouse's shortcomings and failures. Encourage good change in their lives when it's needed, and recognize that you're also often in need of change yourself. Decide to fight for one another, and not against each other. You can overcome the obstacles that stand in the way of your marriage with whatever tools are necessary to achieve victory. God will fight for your marriage along with you. Leaving isn't the answer- by God's grace, choose to stay. Stay when it's easy, and stay when it's hard. Learn to love like Jesus- without conditions. Loving this way will always have a cost, but it will also reap benefits beyond what you see in this moment. Ask God today for the power to stay, and watch what He will do for you!
So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6 (ESV)
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 (ESV)
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 (ESV)
Dear heavenly Father, help me to be characterized by forgiveness and steadfastness. Help my marriage be one that honors You. We thank You for the example of love that You've shown us in Your Son. Help us to mirror that kind of love in our marriages. In Your name we pray, Amen!
We can often wrestle with our own flaws and imperfections, aware that we have many. For me, I have an extensive list- some are physical characteristics I wish were different, and some are character traits I haven't yet been successful in changing. These imperfections can irritate me and while I want to change them, I often lack the discipline required to be victorious over them. While others may see me as acceptable overall, I am always aware of my limitations. Most days, I don't allow them to get to me, but somedays, I struggle with them. It's funny, really, how we see our own faults and then hold others to a standard that is impossible to achieve. Like the one we share our life with.
In the beginning of a relationship, we often don't see the faults they possess, or even if we do, we believe we can change them. When we fall in love, we become blind to their flaws- "love is blind", right? And then after time begins to pass, we become shocked and disappointed to find out they are just like us- flawed individuals, falling short of perfection. We may even begin to question our choice, and some may even decide to throw in the towel. The thing is, you'll exchange them for another flawed person who will eventually disappoint you as well.
If you chose well, (and as a believer, you chose a like-minded believer) then it's time to take a step back before calling it quits. What qualities attracted you to them in the first place? Are the imperfections deal-breakers (there aren't many that should make that list), or just the result of being imperfect humans? Just like you, they have their own shortcomings and struggles. Instead of pointing out the failures of our spouse or significant other, we should look for ways to build them up and encourage them. We will never like every quality they possess, and they will never like each ours either- and that's okay!
When sin entered the Garden through Satan's tempting of Adam and Eve, we all became imperfect. None of us will achieve the status of perfection, even though some believe they are pretty close to the mark. It's my spouses responsibility to love me, regardless of my faults. That doesn't mean he shouldn't encourage growth where I need growth- but it does mean that he understands that just like him, I'm going to fail and make mistakes. I'm going to mess up and have my own set of insecurities. And at the end of the day, we commit to sticking it out together, because we are just two flawed humans who fell in love, made vows before God, and promised to help each other through our weaknesses and failures. Jesus was the only perfect One, and I'll always fall short of His standard this side of Heaven, but thank God His blood covers it all! So the next time your spouse splatters toothpaste on the mirror, leaves the dirty clothes on the floor, or is late for the third time this week- remember they are human, just like you. Acknowledge that you fell in love with a person that isn't perfect, and that's okay!
** Just a side note - I chose random flaws, and not ones that reflect my own husband;)
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, Romans 3:23 ESV
As it is written: "None is righteous, no, not one; Romans 3:10 ESV
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 ESV
And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. Luke 6:31 ESV
Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins. Ecclesiastes 7:20 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, we are far from perfect, and while we know our own flaws, we often have trouble accepting them in others. Help me to be understanding, kind and forgiving when I'm faced with the imperfections of my spouse. Thank You for loving me despite the sin that makes me so flawed and messy. Help me to show that same love to others, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
