April the 8th: Memories- Goodbye Little One

     We all have life dreams- things we think of and wish for with all our hearts. Some want to be an actor. Some, a surgeon. Another may wish to take a ride out in space or a submarine into the depths of the ocean. Having goals is great and gives us something to work towards. For me, I wanted to be a wife and a mom. Having babies of my own was one thing I looked forward to, and assumed it would happen without much effort. I wanted to marry my best friend (and I did), and then settle into raising our babies.
     While having dreams is a great thing, we often find that chasing them will lead us down paths of heartache. It isn't to say we shouldn't have our dreams, but things don't always happen easily, or the way we imagined they would. It's in these times God is working to exercise our faith and calling us to trust Him. But sometimes in those seasons, we often lose focus of our faith and instead, feel fear and disappointment.
     My first pregnancy came without many months of trying. I was elated and couldn't wait for maternity clothes (they were ugly back in the day, mind you), lamaze classes, baby showers and all the fun leading up to Delivery Day. I remember the excitement of my first ultrasound at 16 weeks. The doctor had told me we would likely find out the sex of our baby at this visit, and I could hardly wait. I'll never forget how the anticipation and excitement of this day turned to heartache and sadness. On January 4th of 1995, we learned that our little one had passed away in the womb and would be surgically removed the following day. Disbelief and disappointment were very real that day and the months that would follow. Further heartache would come a few days later when my milk came in with no little one to feed. That was a tough valley in life, and one I never expected to experience.
     After a couple months, we found out we were pregnant again. I was excited, but didn't feel well and had a feeling that things weren't right again this time. On April the 8th of 1995, I came home from the grocery store cramping and feeling anxious. Within an hour, I was headed to the Emergency Room to see yet again, that our second child was in Heaven without us. A long season of waiting followed- a season filled with sadness and grief. Everyone around me seemed to be pregnant and having healthy babies, and my arms were empty. I was truly happy for them, but hurting for what I had lost.
     Prior to infidelity in our marriage, this season was our biggest challenge. And just as God worked in restoring our marriage, He worked to repair my wounded heart decades earlier when we were faced with infertility. The same God that cared for our marriage, cared for us in those years of wondering and waiting. Sometimes He gives us our own biological children, and sometimes He asks us to care for little ones that are in need of a mom and dad- either are a huge privilege and responsibility. But God hears our prayers for a child, and He makes a way for us to hear those precious words from the lips of a child- "Mom" or "Dad". If you know the pain and disappointment of infertility, my heart hurts for you- it's a difficult road to travel, and one many know all too well. 
     I'll never forget the day I first held my firstBORN son- a treasure and a true gift from God. And two years later, He blessed us with a little girl. On this day- 24 years after the second miscarriage, I'm reflecting on my Faithful God. He's been so good to me- to us. Yes, He's allowed us seasons of pain- but in them, I've found a faithful and loving Father. This Father is intimately involved in my little world. He cared for my empty arms and filled them. He cared for my empty heart when my husband had left home, and He led him back to us. How good is God- a God who loves, cares, provides, comforts, encourages and restores. If you don't know Him- I hope today you'll make it your mission to seek Him. Scripture tells us that when we seek Him, and search for Him with all our heart, we will find Him. You'll never be the same, and you'll never be sorry- and better yet- you'll never be alone!

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 ESV
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Psalm 127:3 ESV
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD! Psalm 27:13-14 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, be with those who are facing infertility today. Give them comfort, peace and Your love as they wait on You. Thank You, Father, for hearing our own cries and for blessing us with a family. Thank You for restoring our marriage and for working so intimately in our lives. We are humbled by Your love and care, and thank You for the hope only You can give. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

December 28, 2018 - Another Goodbye

     When things aren't right in a marriage, you can feel it in your gut. We had been reunited for four months, and although the first two went well, the second two revealed an issue- our marriage battle wasn't over. We got through the holidays with strain and unease, a time I usually enjoyed immensely. In all ways, things were different- the holidays were celebrated in a different way, and our hearts were once again far apart. 
     Even though we lived under the same roof, and were "not okay", I do want to say that my husband made a concerted effort to make Christmas the best it could be, given the circumstances. He has always been generous, and that was no different. I did enjoy the day with my family, and if nothing else, we were still partners- working side by side to keep things going. But when the lights went out that night, I had such a feeling of dread and expectation, knowing he had one foot out the door. With Christmas officially over, I felt the other foot would now follow.
     The day after Christmas, I noticed a pile of gifts that he received were stacked up on the floor of our room. He always puts things away, and I thought it was weird. But the morning I knew he was leaving, I noticed a bag packed in our closet- shoes, belts and some clothing, along with his packed shave bag. My stomach dropped because I was certain, before the close of that day, he would be gone. My nerves were on edge and my heart was a mess. 
     Around lunch time, I checked his location and noticed he was getting closer and closer to home. He wasn't supposed to be coming home, so I knew why he was. I tried to look calm and busy with my business tax information at the dining room table. He walked in the door, and asked if we could talk in private. I literally felt sick. We went back to our room where he stated that he tried, but still wasn't happy. He assured me I had done nothing to contribute to his decision, but was going to leave once again. 
     There was no longer any use to argue. I had come to peace with whatever happened, and while it was heartbreaking and unsettling, it was almost a relief since I knew it was coming. We spoke a few words, he went up and spoke to our son, came back down and we hugged and he walked out the door. It was me and God, and I knew He was with me. It's an amazing comfort to have Him when we experience times like this. So I sang to Him, and talked to Him just like He was sitting beside me, because I can tell you this for sure- He was! Thank You Lord, for meeting us in our deepest heartaches. 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4 ESV
This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. Psalm 119:50 ESV
So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. John 16:22 ESV
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, You comfort us when we are sad and heartbroken. I thank You for being so near at those times, and revealing Your tender love to us. Thank You for loving not only the hurt, but the one who is hurting others, and for pursuing them relentlessly. God- You are so good, and I praise You for Your tender mercies and kindness to us. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!