"Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then
wait to hear the answer." - Ed Cunningham
I had just lost a pregnancy I desperately longed for since I was a little girl, it seemed. A sonogram revealed something I never imagined- my baby had died in the womb. A "blighted ovum" they called it, something that was fairly common, but didn't feel common to me. Tears came until there were none left. I was heartbroken, tired and out of words. All of the anticipation of being a mom ended with a D & C, removing the remains of my precious first child. So many people loved me, and I knew that. But I'll never forget the friend that came to sit with me- not to say anything, because no amount of words could fix my sadness. She came to sit with me, just offering her presence. She mourned across the couch, and I felt better because I knew she was there. She was a friend to me in my time of need, and I was so thankful for her.
Then there was that awful period after my marriage fell apart. My home was similar to one that had just lost a family member, and in a sense, that's exactly what had happened. People brought food. People came to sit with me. People came to pray with me. These precious friends cried with me, too- feeling my grief alongside me. They came to hang out and help me feel supported and less lonely. They sent flowers and cards, and texted to check on me. They helped to fill a huge void in my life- the missing companionship of my husband. These people gave me life when my heart felt dead. They made me smile and laugh and gave me light when I felt surrounded by darkness. Because that's what friends do, right?
Friends are something we all need. They enrich our lives and throw us a lifeline when life gets rough and we feel like we're drowning in sorrow and fear. Our all-knowing, wonderful God created the whole concept of friendship for a reason- because He knew how much we needed them. Women generally do better with establishing friendships than men, yet men are no less in need of true friends. Friends are a huge source of support throughout our lives, offering love, advice, help and encouragement. Friends are a network of accountability as well, giving us a sounding board and perspective. They tell us when we need to straighten up- not afraid of ruffling our feathers.
Life's problems seem a little more bearable with the support of our friends. We feel more capable in hard times, because they help us carry the load. We share our burdens with our closest friends, not worried they will ostracize us or turn their backs on us. We can be vulnerable with them, because we know they care for us and want what's best for us. Men- you need people like this in your life, and you need to learn to be a friend to other men that need you. When you have friends, they will be there for you when you fall. They will encourage you to get back up again. Women- if you struggle with friendships, you also need them. You can try to handle life's problems alone, but why would you want to? As Christians, we enjoy a friend relationship with our heavenly Father, but we also need a godly network of people in our lives that will be there for us in good times and bad times. If you find yourself in a crisis, these people will be there for you. I will always be thankful for my friend group, and for how they carried me through my most painful seasons. If you're one of them, know you will always have a special place in my heart. And if you ever need a friend, I am here for you. Let's not be too proud to share our burdens and allow others to help us when our burdens are simply too heavy for us to carry ourselves. Thank God for the gift of friendship, and how He gives abundantly when we simply ask for a friend.
PS... My husband that I wrote about in this post? Today, he's my closest friend. I'll never get over how amazing God is, and how He really does give abundantly more!
Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel. Proverbs 27:9 (ESV)
A friend loves at all times, ... Proverbs 17:17a (ESV)
Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another, Proverbs 27:17 (ESV)
Dear heavenly Father, we thank You for the gift of friendship. Thank You for those You have placed in our lives, sharing the burdens and joys we experience. Help us, in turn, to be a good friend to others. And Father, we thank You for being our greatest Friend. In Your name we pray, Amen!
if you've asked God "why", you're not alone...
We start asking this question as soon as we learn it. If I had a nickel for every time my own children asked me "why", I would be a really rich woman. "Why are you big, and I'm little?" Or, "why does she get to go, but I don't?" So many "whys" in life, and they don't stop as we grow up. In fact, the questions still come and become more and more complicated as we age. It always remains—this desire to understand things, and our need for answers. And while we usually go to parents, other family members, or friends for answers, we also find ourselves asking God "why". After all, He knows everything, and allows things to happen, so we naturally turn our "whys" upward. I'm really glad He's okay with that.
My "why" questions really transformed as I grew up. From trivial questions about my little world and the basics of life, they took a new turn. Why am I single, and everyone else seems to have someone? Or why do they get to have children, and I keep having miscarriages? And then there were the "whys" of my marriage problems. Why do other people get to have "normal" marriages, and mine is a mess? Why did my marriage journey include an affair? Why does my faith seem to constantly be tested? These are questions we ask God with desperation, needing some sort of answer, or at the very least, reassurance that even in the middle of life's messiness, He still loves us.
Some of our questions will be answered, and some won't. Even those that we don't feel are answered, actually are, they just weren't answered the way we hoped, or as clearly as we wanted them to be. But we do know that God always hears us, and He always cares. We often feel heartbroken when He doesn't give us the answer we want, and feel ignored or uncared for. But when we understand the character of God, we know we are wrong to ever assume this about Him. While He understands our questions, He answers in ways that we often don't understand. This is because our vision is so localized to where we are right now in this part of our journey, that we can't see the bigger picture—but God can. When my "whys" don't get answered, God is asking me to simply trust Him. My withheld answers are intended to bolster my faith—not a faith in the answer, but faith in God.
What questions are you struggling with today? What has God allowed to happen in your life that seems unjust or unfair? Why does God call some of us to go through some really difficult stuff? We will always wrestle with our "whys" because we are earthly minded. I have asked God many times in my own journey, "why me, Lord?" And at times when I'm really desperate for an answer I often get discouraged and impatient—and sometimes, even angry. While I may not know why things are they way they are right now, I do know that God can be trusted and He is always in control. And so when I'm faced with my biggest "why" questions in life, may I remember the goodness and faithfulness of God. He doesn't mind my questions, but He does ask that I trust Him and obediently follow Him, even when I can't see or understand where He's leading me. If we had all the answers, we wouldn't need faith. And without faith, it is impossible to please God. As I move forward, without knowledge of the outcome, may I know that God will never lead me where He won't use me. And somedays, that is the only answer I need.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9 (ESV)
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now i know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12 (ESV)
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. James 1:5 (ESV)
Dear heavenly Father, we thank You for always hearing our questions and we pray that You will give us patience as we wait for answers. We are thankful for the wonderful gifts You have given us, and we pray for faith when answers seem far away. In Your name we pray, Amen!
I wasn't always so understanding of other people's problems. In fact, I would've been quick to notice it and shake my head in bewilderment. Troubled teens? You probably didn't discipline them enough. Isn't it true that many times the most judgmental people about your parenting, often don't even have children? A bad marriage? Date nights, looking your best, and having fun together should take care of the problem. How ridiculous and naive I was about that one- I never saw it coming until the day it happened to me.
The least compassionate people you know likely have suffered very little in their lives. Some people seem to cruise through life with very few serious knock-downs. I'm not one of those people, and in many ways, I am thankful. When my life was characterized by what appeared to be God's favor over me, I was shallow, judgmental and cynical at best. And when my life plunged into various painful trials, God's favor wasn't removed- He was simply taking my heart of stone, and making it soft and pliable.
There won't come a day when I hear of someone miscarrying a baby, that I won't hurt for them. Having been there twice, I can offer understanding sympathy. When I was stuck in a period of infertility, it was truly a painful, frightening place to be. All I ever wanted was to be a mom, and the thought that it may never happen was deeply discouraging. I am so blessed that God gave me my son and daughter, and because of those previous losses, I appreciate my kids on a different level. I'm grateful for opportunities I've been given to show compassion and understanding for those suffering similar losses. This was one area of my heart being softened, but God wasn't finished with me yet.
The biggest example of heart softening in my life thus far, has been in my marriage. I see it in so many- and I used to be one of them. It won't ever happen to us, I would say. I was naive and clueless when it comes to the workings of Satan. If you're married, don't ever doubt it could happen to you, but do make your commitment a very serious point of consideration. Marriage takes work, and just as any goal we have, in order for us to see it through, we will have to put in the effort on both sides. I assumed we would always be okay and that, dear friend, was a dangerous assumption.
Our marriage fell apart in the fall of 2017. And because it did, I've been given a platform- my writing, even this blog, is all part of that. God has given me a unique opportunity to share my journey through infidelity to reach others. In the process, He has softened my heart to not only broken marriages, but broken hearts in general. We have a choice when we face painful valleys- become cynical and unhappy, or allow God to use us to reflect His Son through our brokenness. If we choose the latter, we will live life with a greater compassion for the hurting and lost.
If you've been called to suffer trials that have left you wounded and sad, I pray that you'll allow God to use them for good. My hope for you is that you'll reach out to others who understand your pain and show them the healing power of our Savior. While God doesn't relish in your pain, He can use it to soften you and give you a more compassionate heart. Ask God to place people in your path that need you, and when they come along, show them an understanding, compassionate heart- you have great power to assist others in healing from what almost broke you, had it not been for Jesus. Not everyone is able to help them, but God in His wisdom and love prepared you for this day and this person- don't miss it!
Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, Colossians 3:12 (ESV)
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 1 Peter 3:8 (ESV)
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15 (ESV)
If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:3 (ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, don't let us miss out on using our own life experiences to show a compassionate and understanding heart to those who need us. We learned compassion from You, and we desire to imitate Your ways in our lives. Thank You for the trials that softened our hearts to the pain of others. In Your name, we pray, Amen!
Let me introduce you to the "high school me". I'll grow up and travel the world. I'll be a travel agent and marry later, after I get my business established. I'll be a mom- 3 or 4 kids. I'll be successful, forever thin, and live a happy, carefree life. I'll find time to spend with God, and manage to make an impact on other's lives. I'll stay healthy. I'll marry a perfect guy. Blah, blah, blah- how unrealistic I was.
Goals are good, and I encourage them in others- specifically my children and myself. But while it's true that goals are good, and having a future vision important, it's also true that things often don't go as we planned. I'm living proof of this statement, because I'll now introduce you to "grown up me". I did graduate with a bachelor's degree- in social work/sociology. I am not a travel agent, but I sure like to travel. I am blessed to have two children after the loss of two pregnancies. I didn't foresee those losses, and they sure were painful. I am usually in need of losing ten pounds- sometimes more. There have been times when I didn't feel close to God, usually because I allowed too much extra stuff to crowd Him out. And I did marry a great guy- he's perfect for me, but we've had our struggles. One of the biggest unplanned life events we faced together, was infidelity. That wasn't supposed to be on my agenda- but it was.
The truth is, we usually have detours- life experiences that we never expected to be a part of our story. We wouldn't ever choose these painful parts of our story, but oftentimes, we need them. I know I do. Had I lived that high school version of myself, I wouldn't be where I am today! I wouldn't have experienced God's love, grace and mercy to the extend that I have, and frankly, that would be a loss. Losing pregnancies made me appreciate my children. Losing my husband, made me appreciate a restored marriage. Losing weight would also be cool, but hey, you can't have it all;)
How we handle our detours is crucial in our spiritual walk with our Father. We may not have planned those detours, but He knew they would be a part of our journey. He equips us to handle them. He gives us what He can handle, not what we can handle on our own. We are supposed to learn things from our trials. We are supposed to grow. We should learn more about who He is. And our goal should be to become more like Jesus- humble, compassionate, loving, forgiving and kind. Sometimes we may become shocked and alarmed at the way our story goes, and struggle to understand the "why". When we stay locked in that place, we won't experience the growth God wants for us through those bends in the road. We won't know Him better, and we won't be more like Him.
If you're walking through a detour right now, wondering why, try to shift your focus. Instead, think of ways God will use this detour to point others to Him. Allow His strength to be witnessed in your own walk, so that others may desire to know the Source of that strength. Don't allow Satan to trip you up, blaming God for your hardships. While God doesn't relish the pain you're experiencing, He does want to use it for His glory. Life often doesn't turn out the way we thought it would. But when it doesn't, our response to the detour has great power. May God help us to illuminate His light through the dark bends in the road, and that others may want to know Him, through our own walk through the valley.
Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit."- yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. James 4:13-14 (ESV)
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock. Isaiah 26:3-4 (ESV)
Dear Heavenly Father, help me to allow You to handle the bumps in the road that feel too big for me. May I not become full of anxiety, wishing to quickly make it to safer ground, without really experiencing how You work in those detours. Help me to trust You when my world takes a painful spin, and to know You will bring me through. Help me be a living witness of what You have done for me. In Your name I pray, Jesus, Amen!
I'm not a fan of heights! I've never been interested in scaling tall mountains, and people that do rock climbing?- well, I think they are insane. I hate flying in airplanes, and only do it out of necessity. I can't imagine skydiving when merely looking out the window makes me feel slightly panicked, and definitely vulnerable. When we visited NYC, we decided to take the elevator to the top of Rockefeller Center. As beautiful as the view was, I felt relieved to be safely on the ground floor again. If I'm not on the water, I like my feet on solid ground- low ground. But if I look at my life as a climb, I'm way up in the clouds.
Looking at life as a climb gives us a good mental picture of where we are, but it also gives us an awesome visual of how far we have come. For each moment in each day, we take a step higher- not able to see what is ahead. Some days, I wasn't sure I could keep climbing and stumbled along the journey. I felt tired and uncertain. Miscarriage and infidelity seemed insurmountable. What was in front of me seemed too painful to continue forward, but with the help of the Leader of my Path, I desperately grabbed His hand and followed. I know this to be absolutely true: Jesus gives us strength for the climb.
Take a moment to think of your own mountain. Look behind you. What do you see? What have you come through that seemed impossible? The older I get, more of my mountain is behind me and a shorter journey lies ahead. It can cause feelings of fear and doubt looking ahead, not knowing what we will encounter in our tomorrows. Because we can't see it, it can unsettle us. But what I am being taught through the harder times, is that I don't have to know what's ahead. The reality is that God knows, and this wonderful truth relieves me from carrying the burden of uncertainty. Whatever lies ahead, I know He will meet me there.
Some of life's knocks are hard. They leave us fearful, angry, jaded and even bitter. As Christians, we weren't promised an easy climb. A world touched by sin has left it broken. We can't escape painful experiences, and honestly, if we could, we would be shallow, with little evidence to show Who we belong to. No, we don't know what is ahead, but there isn't any reason for fear when we are being led by our Heavenly Father. So grab a hold of His hand, and allow Him to lead you higher, knowing He is fully capable of handling the ruts along the way. Going sideways or refusing to walk forward will never allow us to get to our mountaintop peak. The way can be hard, but the view at the top is breathtaking, and I don't want to miss it!
And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it." when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Isaiah 30:21 ESV
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105 ESV
The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand. Psalm 37:23-24 ESV
The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for faithfully guiding me along life's journey. I can't see what is ahead, but I look in awe behind me. Lord, You've led me through many difficult bends in the road, but I kept moving forward because You gave me the strength to take another step. Whatever is ahead, may I look to You for help and direction. In Your precious name I pray, Amen!
We all have life dreams- things we think of and wish for with all our hearts. Some want to be an actor. Some, a surgeon. Another may wish to take a ride out in space or a submarine into the depths of the ocean. Having goals is great and gives us something to work towards. For me, I wanted to be a wife and a mom. Having babies of my own was one thing I looked forward to, and assumed it would happen without much effort. I wanted to marry my best friend (and I did), and then settle into raising our babies.
While having dreams is a great thing, we often find that chasing them will lead us down paths of heartache. It isn't to say we shouldn't have our dreams, but things don't always happen easily, or the way we imagined they would. It's in these times God is working to exercise our faith and calling us to trust Him. But sometimes in those seasons, we often lose focus of our faith and instead, feel fear and disappointment.
My first pregnancy came without many months of trying. I was elated and couldn't wait for maternity clothes (they were ugly back in the day, mind you), lamaze classes, baby showers and all the fun leading up to Delivery Day. I remember the excitement of my first ultrasound at 16 weeks. The doctor had told me we would likely find out the sex of our baby at this visit, and I could hardly wait. I'll never forget how the anticipation and excitement of this day turned to heartache and sadness. On January 4th of 1995, we learned that our little one had passed away in the womb and would be surgically removed the following day. Disbelief and disappointment were very real that day and the months that would follow. Further heartache would come a few days later when my milk came in with no little one to feed. That was a tough valley in life, and one I never expected to experience.
After a couple months, we found out we were pregnant again. I was excited, but didn't feel well and had a feeling that things weren't right again this time. On April the 8th of 1995, I came home from the grocery store cramping and feeling anxious. Within an hour, I was headed to the Emergency Room to see yet again, that our second child was in Heaven without us. A long season of waiting followed- a season filled with sadness and grief. Everyone around me seemed to be pregnant and having healthy babies, and my arms were empty. I was truly happy for them, but hurting for what I had lost.
Prior to infidelity in our marriage, this season was our biggest challenge. And just as God worked in restoring our marriage, He worked to repair my wounded heart decades earlier when we were faced with infertility. The same God that cared for our marriage, cared for us in those years of wondering and waiting. Sometimes He gives us our own biological children, and sometimes He asks us to care for little ones that are in need of a mom and dad- either are a huge privilege and responsibility. But God hears our prayers for a child, and He makes a way for us to hear those precious words from the lips of a child- "Mom" or "Dad". If you know the pain and disappointment of infertility, my heart hurts for you- it's a difficult road to travel, and one many know all too well.
I'll never forget the day I first held my firstBORN son- a treasure and a true gift from God. And two years later, He blessed us with a little girl. On this day- 24 years after the second miscarriage, I'm reflecting on my Faithful God. He's been so good to me- to us. Yes, He's allowed us seasons of pain- but in them, I've found a faithful and loving Father. This Father is intimately involved in my little world. He cared for my empty arms and filled them. He cared for my empty heart when my husband had left home, and He led him back to us. How good is God- a God who loves, cares, provides, comforts, encourages and restores. If you don't know Him- I hope today you'll make it your mission to seek Him. Scripture tells us that when we seek Him, and search for Him with all our heart, we will find Him. You'll never be the same, and you'll never be sorry- and better yet- you'll never be alone!
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 ESV
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Psalm 127:3 ESV
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD! Psalm 27:13-14 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, be with those who are facing infertility today. Give them comfort, peace and Your love as they wait on You. Thank You, Father, for hearing our own cries and for blessing us with a family. Thank You for restoring our marriage and for working so intimately in our lives. We are humbled by Your love and care, and thank You for the hope only You can give. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
