Mustard Seed Faith

     The prognosis was bleak. Cancer was not only in her breast, it was also in her bones and blood. She was thin from treatment, and from the cancer that was robbing her appetite and depleting her body. People spoke in hushed voices, sharing their skepticism regarding her already poor prognosis. She was faced with certain death this go round, and she seemed to know it. We all did. As she lay in her bed, weak and tired, the days ticked slowly by. It could be any time now, we all assumed. We prayed for healing, but doubted it would happen- at least not on this side of eternity.
     We've all been there, haven't we? Faced with the certain death of a loved one- whether physical in nature, or perhaps the death of a marriage. We doubt that healing is possible, yet we pray for it anyway. Doubting means we don't really have faith at all- not even the size of a teeny, tiny mustard seed. Here's one of the faith problems we are experiencing with modern day technology- our knowledge weakens our faith. The doctor gives us a detailed report, based on blood work and imaging scans, so we choose to believe knowledge, over the thought that God can still heal. Our spouse has filed for divorce, and has no interest in reconciling, so we assume it's over. We wish for reconciliation, but we just don't believe it will happen for us.
     James 1:6 tells us to "ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind." Asking- without doubt? Ouch! To be perfectly honest, I'm guilty of asking with plenty of doubting. I want it- I may even think God wants it too, but my head knowledge gets ahead of my heart. Instead, God wants me to pray with an unshakeable faith. Matthew 17:20 comes to mind: He said to them,  "For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you." This shows how limited we have become in our prayers, because we seldom believe He is truly capable of the impossible. 
     I don't write this as if I have the answers for a greater faith. In reality, I'm ashamed of the smallness of mine. And I wonder- if I actually believed it really were possible, would the outcome of my prayers be vastly different? I believe in my heart that they would. The truth is, the more we seem to think we know, the less we believe that God is able to do what knowledge says isn't possible. We doubt the miraculous, because the odds seem against us. But God isn't confined by odds or chance, and I often forget that.
     The thing is, sometimes God really does choose to take them anyway. We hope for a different outcome, but it's not in His plan. And some marriages come to an end, as much as we hoped and prayed they wouldn't. We don't always have the answers here, and oftentimes, we don't understand them. But how many times am I guilty of praying without truly believing? And would my life, and those I pray for, be transformed if I kicked that foolish habit? I absolutely believe they would! So as we move into another year that will be filled with its own challenges, may we move forward expectantly, as we ask God for the impossible. And may our hearts be humbled and blessed when we see Him move in ways we can't even begin to comprehend.

And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith." Matthew 21:22 (ESV)
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 (ESV)
For nothing will be impossible with God." Luke 1:37 (ESV)
For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, forgive us for our lack of faith- we acknowledge that it's sin. Help us to pray with believing; for You alone are capable of the impossible. Thank You, Father, for hearing and answering prayer. In Your name we pray, Jesus, Amen!

Against Any Odds

     Reading through the statistics of marriages that face infidelity is staggering. Even in Christian marriages, the numbers aren't encouraging. It's so easy to feel protected from the possibility, yet it's also very naive. According to multiple surveys, a little over half of married couples will experience an affair. Many never come to light, sadly, and stay hidden as skeletons in the closet. And while we may be able to hide our skeletons from others, we know we can't hide them from God. Did I ever see it coming in my own marriage? I absolutely didn't, and the best piece of advice I can give to each of you is this- guard your hearts, keep communication open and active, and invest in one another spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
     Once a marriage has experienced an affair, what are the chances of restoration and recovery? I was pleasantly surprised to read that 70% of couples that admit to infidelity will stay together! While even a larger number would be better, 70% was better than what I expected. Some are adamant they would never be able to forgive an affair, and would divorce if it happened in their own marriage. I was sure of those feelings myself, but God had other plans for me. 
     I think it's much more important to focus on your new commitment, than to allow statistics to cause fear or discouragement. Sure, the path ahead is a little daunting initially, but staying the course with a renewed sense of purpose, allowing God to create something better is certainly where we are happy to be. For us, we are absolutely certain that God had to be in it on both sides in order for it to work. Once we re-established that foundation, we had something we could build on. Another component I believe to be important is to learn that forgiveness means letting go of what happened. It doesn't mean that we don't learn lessons from it, and it doesn't mean that we don't have scars that can at times feel sore- but it does mean that we are able to truly feel forgiveness regarding the betrayal. 
     So how do we find ourselves in that 70%, and not the 30% that walk away? While I am sure each couple has their own stories of how they found victory over sexual betrayal, I think it starts with a willingness to face what's happened together, and seek help to heal with a genuine sense of commitment to restoration. Having a mutual openness to godly counsel was crucial in our marriage and continues to reap tremendous benefits. If you're in the stage of recovery, both my husband and I, would strongly encourage christian counseling along with marriage-based shared devotions and daily prayer. Once we were on the same page, with the leading and guiding of our Heavenly Father, we refused to accept anything less than God's best for us as a couple- and we knew that meant staying together. Yes, we are still a work in progress, but God is making our story so beautiful, and He isn't even finished with us yet! Don't stop praying for us, and we won't stop praying for those we are touching with our own story. And my prayer is this- "God, help those in the 70% to heal and recover and flourish in their renewed love. But God, please help heal the broken hearts of the 30%, and the loved ones that continue to hurt inside the brokenness of infidelity. And Father, allow us to help others experiencing the deep pain associated with an affair- may You use us in ways that continue to blow us away. In Your precious name I pray, Amen!"

But Ruth said, "Do not urge me to leave you or return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the LORD do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you." Ruth 1:16-17 ESV
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 ESV

A Surprise Text from my Estranged Husband

     If you've been following the story of my husband's deliverance, you read about him sending a text to me the morning after he discovered my blog. I woke up early that morning and noticed a long text from him, and was curious about the subject, but also thinking it was probably about moving forward with a divorce. I expected it, and was prepared with a lawyer, some information, and complete heartache.
     Instead, God gave me a window into a hope I wasn't expecting- a text filled with real sorrow and tenderness. While I had received plenty of texts throughout the year- some good and some bad, this one seemed genuine and different. It was different in that I expected only anger from his discovery of my blog... but here he was telling me about how it made him feel after the initial anger wore off. He mentioned shame, guilt and remorse. He offered words of apology and sorrow over his actions. 
     The one thing that stood out to me in his text was a feeling of hopelessness- that he felt he was forever ruined, and that tore at my heart. When you know God, and Satan isn't getting in the way with lies, you know that we are never beyond His grace and forgiveness. He loves us with a love so much greater than our human minds can comprehend. I longed for him to remember His grace, and I longed for him to remember how loved he was, and always would be. No matter what we do, no matter how far we fall, God's love is consistently the same. He doesn't love us more when we are obedient, and He doesn't love us less when we aren't.
     At this point, I wasn't sure where this would go, but I got to praying right away, and asked a few of my prayer partners to join me. These wonderful prayer partners were with me through the whole journey, and I know they pray for us still- for healing and recovery! I had no idea of the spiritual battle that would ensue in the day and days ahead, but God faithfully pursued His lost sheep, and brought him not only back to the fold- but in time, back to me as well! 
     If you're in a situation that feels hopeless, I want to challenge you to believe that with our God, no situation is hopeless. There were days my hope wavered, but when we believe the promises He makes to us in scripture, we can rest in knowing this - He will prevail in all circumstances. He is good no matter how bad today may feel. Friend, don't give up believing He will deliver you! As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, He is faithful to His Word. Trust Him while you wait- and know your day of deliverance will come!

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 ESV
"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7 ESV
But if we wait for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Romans 8:25 ESV
Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off. Proverbs 23:18 ESV
Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD! Psalm 31:24 ESV
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for keeping Your promises to us. We make promises and fail to keep them, but I can always count on You to keep Yours. On days when it seems impossible, on days when it seems unbearable- let me hold fast to Your promises of hope and deliverance. Your unfailing love is my constant source of joy, and I thank You for loving me faithfully. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Part One- HIs Deliverance (told by him)

     I had grown cold in my Christian walk. I was still going to my place of worship, I was still participating and even in a leadership role and at times, I was moved by the Spirit to be warm for Christ, but I was lukewarm at best. Satan saw the chance and knew exactly what it would take to cut me down and wreck my life, and he moved swiftly, and with boldness.
     I had developed a friendship with a co-worker that turned into a temptation. This temptation was far more than I would ever have wanted in the past, but in my weakened state, I fell. I lied to the people that I loved the most, I did things behind their back that gnawed at the heart of what I stood for- honesty, integrity and loyalty. I was unfaithful to my family, I cheated on my wife and I lost the respect of my close friends. During all of this, Satan kept whispering lies, telling me this is what I really wanted in order to be happy. He was filling my heart with lies and he was continually telling me this was a good thing. I wanted to believe it, but I also knew in my core being that this was not right and was totally against what i believed and had been raised to be. 
     This is when Satan dropped my biggest challenge- he lied and told me I had gone too far to ever be restored. He said it was too late for me and that I was forever scarred and useless in God's work. I was struggling with being able to accept God's grace. I had been forgiven years ago when I was first saved, told others about God's abundant grace that He shows to all who call out to Him, and here I was - refusing to accept it and break free of my chains. 
     I want to fast forward to January of 2019. I had left my wife and family for the 2nd time just after Christmas, and my plan was for this to be the final departure. I knew this was going to be it and I would move on and divorce- it would be hard, but manageable. So many others chose this path and surely I could handle it as well. I tried to make it as easy as possible on my wife, but I left. 
     I spent New Year's being unfaithful and actually miserable. I had so much conflict in my heart that I can say it was the worst New Year's I had ever had. I got back to North Carolina on New Year's night and went to work the following day and the conflict began to intensify. It got to the point where I made the decision to break off the relationship with the woman I thought would make me happy. Satan had told me that would be difficult, but I prayed to God to help me do this quickly and for it to be forever done. God prevailed in this, and I was so thankful.
     Whatever you're facing in life today, listen to the Voice of the Spirit. He will lead you to life and peace, while Satan will whisper lies to derail and defeat you. I am thankful to serve a God that doesn't turn His back on His own. We turn our backs on Him, yet He remains loving and faithful to us. I will always be thankful to the Lord for His persistence in dealing with me. He is a God Who invests in our lives- and He seeks to deliver us from sin. Will we open our hearts to Him, or listen to the lies of Satan? The choice lies on us- choose well!

Where shall I go from you Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! Psalm 139:7-8 ESV
The LORD you God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:17 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, no matter where we are or where we go, You promise to be with us. We can't outrun You, nor can we hide from You. I'm so thankful for Your persistence and Your faithfulness- without both, I would be lost. Help us to listen for Your voice, and that it would always be louder than the evil whispers of Satan. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

New Year- New Me

     I think of the phrase, "new year, new you", and this year, that couldn't be more true. Oh the changes of the past year... and how those changes changed me! Here I was looking forward into 2019 with a whole different life situation- some good, some heartbreaking. While I had grown closer to the Lord, deepened my relationships with my children, started my own business, and began this blog journey, I was also looking at a possible divorce and the absence of my favorite person.
     There were definite things I wanted to celebrate, and others I wished to forget. And just as with NYE, I didn't want to face the same traditions we had celebrated in past years and longed for something different. I know some of my family members didn't understand, but I could not do my usual hosting of New Year's Day, or anything remotely similar. It's a hard thing to try to explain to someone who hasn't been there, but "different" was absolutely necessary.
     In the past, I had my whole family over for an Italian meal, games, strategizing for our family diet for the next few months, and just enjoying one another's company. It had always been something I enjoyed, but I was ready for a change. My kids were supportive of "something new", and we ended up celebrating in a really fun way, and had a really fun day! We spent a few hours at Top Golf, which by the way, I'm not too good at;) But hey- I think I may have a future at honing this new skill! Then we headed off for a couple hours of shopping and a nice dinner out. My kids made me laugh, and at times, I forgot my sadness. Kids are good for bringing a smile or a laugh when we need one the most. 
     While I knew my husband was off celebrating in a different place, I didn't know that God was working in his heart to begin something absolutely amazing. And so while this day was a different day, with a different perspective and outlook, very soon God would do something that could only point to His absolute faithfulness and power. But in this new moment, of this new year, there were changes in me that only God could bring about, and for them, I am thankful. 
     If you take your loved ones or your marriage for granted, I want you to take this moment to appreciate them. Tomorrow is not guaranteed- not the people we love or the marriage we have. And take this moment to appreciate the God Who delivers us from our worst moments, and brings us into victory. This isn't victory we have won for ourselves- but victory He gives through His miraculous work. And when we experience that victory, the most powerful thing we see through it is God's glory. Thank You dear Jesus for seeking victory in not only my marriage, but my life! Help me to remember that through it all, it isn't about me, Lord- it's all about You! When all is said and done, and my body is laid to rest, I hope there is this one thing remembered about my life- the faithfulness of my Heavenly Father and how His glory was revealed in my life. 

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23 ESV
For the word of the LORD is upright, and all his work is done in faithfulness. Psalm 33:4 ESV
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV
O LORD GOd of hosts, who is mighty as you are, O LORD, with your faithfulness all around you? Psalm 89:8 ESV
He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and a buckler. Psalm 91:4 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, You faithfully deliver us from our fiery trials in Your time, not ours. You walked alongside me through my most painful days, never leaving me when life got tough. Your faithfulness and power give so much hope and encouragement and when I walk through the gates of victory, may others recognize the Author of my victory. Thank You for fighting for me, Father. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

New Year's Eve, 2018

     How do you celebrate New Year's Eve? Do you have certain traditions that you enjoy carrying out with your loved ones? Most of us have our family traditions that surround holidays, and we look forward to them with anticipation. Because really- holidays are about family, and being with the people we love. And that's all well and good until we find ourselves in the middle of a broken marriage.
     For many years, our family has celebrated New Year's Eve the same way. We go to my sister's house around 7pm. We eat (too much), we play games, we visit, we watch the ball drop on TV, and we bring in the New Year with loud kazoos, kisses, sparkling cider, and fireworks. These are fireworks well outside of the acceptable for midnight range - especially in their neighborhood, but so far- no cops;) It's a night of family, fun, food and lots of laughs. 
     This year, though, I didn't really have many laughs. I dreaded going, to be honest, because a big part of my New Year's Eve had been wrapped around the one who gave me my midnight kiss- and he was painfully absent. I didn't want to go, and yet I felt I had to resume some sort of normalcy. I was faced with many possible New Year's Eves, and I needed to start trying to find a new way of life on my own. My mom was a great listening ear that night, and understood if I wanted to leave, I could leave. I appreciated her caring, unselfish ways that night- I sure needed someone to understand.
     My real issue wasn't the 7:00-11:59 part of the evening- it was the 12:00 on the nose, part of the evening that I dreaded. And so around 11:30, I made my exit and just wanted to bring in the New Year in my home. I wanted to sit on my couch, watch the ball drop, and use the time to pray for new beginnings. I had been checking on my husband's location (he still shared his), and I knew he was celebrating far away from home and it hurt.
     These are days when we especially need our Heavenly Father. In a way that I had never needed him prior to our marriage crisis, I was learning to really know the truth of His faithfulness, and He never let me down. Maybe you've known Him in this same way, and you were amazed and humbled at the love of our precious Father. I can tell you- it meant all the difference to me! It was life to my weary, sad heart, and gave such comfort in those dark days. But what I didn't know was that God was preparing the way for a miracle in my life. While I knew He was able, I had no expectations for what was ahead anymore- other than to know that no matter what... He STILL had good plans for me. Wherever you are today, don't lose sight of that wonderful truth found in Jeremiah 29:11. The good plans are there- and in His time, they will come. Be patient in tribulation, my Friend, trusting He is faithful to His Word. 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 ESV
But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 ESV
And though your beginning was small, your latter days will be very great. Job 8:7 ESV
Trust in the LORD will all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, when we face hard life events or holidays without a loved one, we are so thankful for Your help and comfort through those times. A big part of faith is knowing that on our darkest days, You will bring us back to a place of joy and hope. The process won't be painless or easy, but we trust You to carry us through. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

December 28, 2018 - Another Goodbye

     When things aren't right in a marriage, you can feel it in your gut. We had been reunited for four months, and although the first two went well, the second two revealed an issue- our marriage battle wasn't over. We got through the holidays with strain and unease, a time I usually enjoyed immensely. In all ways, things were different- the holidays were celebrated in a different way, and our hearts were once again far apart. 
     Even though we lived under the same roof, and were "not okay", I do want to say that my husband made a concerted effort to make Christmas the best it could be, given the circumstances. He has always been generous, and that was no different. I did enjoy the day with my family, and if nothing else, we were still partners- working side by side to keep things going. But when the lights went out that night, I had such a feeling of dread and expectation, knowing he had one foot out the door. With Christmas officially over, I felt the other foot would now follow.
     The day after Christmas, I noticed a pile of gifts that he received were stacked up on the floor of our room. He always puts things away, and I thought it was weird. But the morning I knew he was leaving, I noticed a bag packed in our closet- shoes, belts and some clothing, along with his packed shave bag. My stomach dropped because I was certain, before the close of that day, he would be gone. My nerves were on edge and my heart was a mess. 
     Around lunch time, I checked his location and noticed he was getting closer and closer to home. He wasn't supposed to be coming home, so I knew why he was. I tried to look calm and busy with my business tax information at the dining room table. He walked in the door, and asked if we could talk in private. I literally felt sick. We went back to our room where he stated that he tried, but still wasn't happy. He assured me I had done nothing to contribute to his decision, but was going to leave once again. 
     There was no longer any use to argue. I had come to peace with whatever happened, and while it was heartbreaking and unsettling, it was almost a relief since I knew it was coming. We spoke a few words, he went up and spoke to our son, came back down and we hugged and he walked out the door. It was me and God, and I knew He was with me. It's an amazing comfort to have Him when we experience times like this. So I sang to Him, and talked to Him just like He was sitting beside me, because I can tell you this for sure- He was! Thank You Lord, for meeting us in our deepest heartaches. 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4 ESV
This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. Psalm 119:50 ESV
So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. John 16:22 ESV
The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, You comfort us when we are sad and heartbroken. I thank You for being so near at those times, and revealing Your tender love to us. Thank You for loving not only the hurt, but the one who is hurting others, and for pursuing them relentlessly. God- You are so good, and I praise You for Your tender mercies and kindness to us. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
     

Feeling Vulnerable

     It feels pretty awful to feel vulnerable when it comes to your own spouse. It's a byproduct of not being able to trust them and feeling at risk. Things I had never considered before were now a reality for me. All of the years that I explicitly trusted him were now a thing of the past. New things went through my mind that i had never thought of before.
     I've always been an open book with my husband (and most other people as well). I never had anything to hide or feel like it should be tucked away. I changed my laptop passwords and my cell phone password frequently. Because I sought advice from others, and wrote about my feelings in journal posts on my laptop, I felt a need to protect those words from my husband coming across them. I had notes written with monthly budget amounts in case I faced an attorney someday over a request for a divorce. All of these I wanted to hide from any curious eyes.
     It also causes vulnerability to feel that you have no clue about what decisions are floating around in their mind. They may be using time for financial planning that protects them, and pulls the rug out from under you. In my situation, he was the sole provider, and I was at the mercy of what would happen if our marriage ended. And while you have attorney's advice on what can be done to protect yourself, it still feels awful to not know what steps they are taking on their end. 
     These are feelings that shouldn't exist inside of a God-centered marriage, and yet they were my daily reality for quite a long time. If you know these feelings, you understand the insecurity they cause, and how it can be frustrating and angering to experience them. But no matter what my marriage situation was, I had to remind myself that my future didn't sit on my husband's shoulders, but rather in the mighty hands of my Heavenly Father. He would protect me, no matter what I faced- He would provide for me because He is always faithful. I never have to worry about myself when I'm under His wings, and I can't outrun His hand of protection and provision. It was those thoughts that kept me grounded and sane when fear crept in, and made me feel vulnerable and uncertain. There was always the knowledge of God's care over me, and He spoke it to my bruised and wounded spirit. No matter what you face, friend, if you belong to Him, there is no reason to fear. There is no situation too big for Him, and He reminds us through His Word that nothing is too hard for Him. 

"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who hate you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. Luke 6:27-31 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for always protecting me and looking out for my own good. It is scary and unsettling to feel vulnerable in a bad way, and I'm so thankful You are with me in those times as well. Help any others who are facing those feelings today, and remind them of Your steadfast love and care. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Jealousy and Infidelity

     He was mine. I loved him and called him mine for 25 years. I laughed with him, cried with him, served with him, and lived with him. He was my husband and no one else could say that about him. I like dessert. I really like chocolate cake, but if the piece is big enough, I will share with you. I like to share adventures, time, and advice- but I don't like to share my husband with another woman. 
     I tried pretty hard not to think about her, and often I was successful. But in the dark of night, when the house was silent and still, I wondered. What did she look like? How could she replace me? Why would she knowingly get involved with a married man? What did she say about me? What was she like? And again- what in the world did she look like??? I conjured up a mental picture that made me feel inferior. I disliked this woman, and wanted her gone.
     I also wrestled with this truth- God loved her. Yes, He loves me, and He chose me for my husband, but He also loved her. He didn't like what she was doing, and He didn't want her for my husband, but it didn't change His love for her. You know how I know this? Jesus came to seek and to save the lost (Luke 19:10), and I knew she was lost. Another example is found in Romans 5:8- But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. That means He loved her too- and as much as I wished to despise her, I am called to something infinitely harder.
     I will confess something to you- I have prayed for her, but not often enough, and my heart is lacking in love when I do. Our flesh wants revenge. I think of legitimate excuses for harm in the name of "crime of passion". And when I do this, I am guilty of sin. God asks us to love our enemies, and she was an enemy. It isn't a complicated math problem, it's a simple command from the God of the Universe. I wish it wasn't written in scripture, but it is (multiple times) and I can't ignore it. 
     If you have walked this road of being betrayed by your spouse, you know the feelings of jealousy and anger. It is not an easy road, and loving our enemy is definitely not easy. I don't have all the answers to the issues in our minds and hearts, but I do have scripture that tells me what I should do. I should pray for her, and love her. I am a work in progress, and I pray that God will give me a heart of compassion for this enemy. While my mind wants to go to dark places, I pray that instead, I will dwell on the Light of the World, and that He gives me a heart of grace for all. Loving someone that loves me back is easy, but loving our enemies is being like Christ. God help me in this today, and always. 

"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, Luke 6:27 ESV
But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, Matthew 5:44 ESV
But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Luke 6:35 ESV
Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. 1 Peter 3:9 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to live a life filled with grace. Not grace for only those who love me, but for those who are my enemies. Help me to pray for them and love them, knowing it is Your way for me. Remove jealousy from my heart, and allow me to live in the freedom of Your love and forgiveness. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

The Facade of the Perfect Marriage

     I bet if you took a minute to think about it, you could come up with a few couples you would classify as the "perfect christian couple." This couple seems to have it all together- a nice home, a couple kids, decent job, involved in the community, and prominent in the church. Everyone loves them, and wants to be like them. People assume they have the perfect marriage and feel envious of them. That was us.
     While we may be able to check off the boxes of what the world considered qualifications of being "that couple", there were things that were lacking. When our foundation is anything but Christ, it isn't solid enough. And because as Christians, we are all just sinners, saved by grace, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. 
     I want to just point out that Hollywood movies and romantic fiction don't do us any favors. Those characters aren't realistic, and give us a false notion of what relationships are really like. Women are going to get upset that men don't romance them more. Men are going to leave the toilet seat up. Women will worry about crazy impossible things that could maybe, possibly happen to the kids;) Men will get stressed about money. These things are going to cause friction because we are just different creatures. Our differences can complement one another, or divide us. 
     Our marital cracks entered in the form of busyness. It is an issue that most couples face, but how we let it affect us is crucial. Another crack for us was coasting on auto-pilot. Marriage takes effort, and we often let other things take precedence. These seemed like legitimate issues initially, but Satan only needs little cracks to stick his foot in the door. If we are not guarding our marriages, and investing in them, we are opening them up to problems. If you are a husband, lead well. If you are a wife, encourage his leading and respect him. If you are a husband, love well. If you are a wife, return love and passion. These may seem elementary in nature, but they are important fundamentals to put in place. 
     No marriage is perfect. Don't fall for believing that about your marriage, or anyone else's. Each one of us is capable of falling to temptation, so arm yourself and be on guard. When we allow God to have priority in our marriages, we are more equipped to handle life's storms. Read and pray together. Serve together. Spend time together. Love one another- even when it's hard! Live and love authentically, allowing people to see the real you. When we share our imperfections, it draws others to us that have similar needs. So, I choose to thank God for my imperfections, and pray that they will point others to the only Perfect One, Jesus Christ!

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Romans 12:9 ESV
And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. Philippians 1:9-11 ESV
But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one. 2 Thessalonians 3:3 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, allow me to live authentically. I pray that my imperfections and failures will be used to point others to You. Help us to guard our marriages, and to fully invest in them. For broken marriages, I pray for healing and help. We thank You for accepting us, imperfect and sinful. You are compassionate and gracious, and I thank You for that, Father. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Family Ties or Divide?

     I have an amazing family and extended family. These are my people, and I love them. We are loud, and a little crazy. I have one sister, and two brothers, and tons of nieces and nephews. We all live in the same area and spend holidays together. These people are not just my family, they are my friends. 
     Family is fiercely loyal- at least mine is. We stick by each other through the good and the bad. This doesn't just apply to my siblings and parents, but extends to the older nieces and nephews as well. We don't believe that in-laws aren't equal to the original clan; we accept them as one of us. So when our marriage fell apart, it was painful to so many! 
     In family, we have a huge source of support and love. I am so thankful for that, and leaned heavily on them. Each one of them was always there for me, willing to help in any way. While I welcomed their comfort, I had to be careful. I had a lot of feelings and information that was painful- things that would be hard to hear and know. And while I had a burden I was carrying, I often felt the harder stuff was best not shared with them. 
     I was hurt and unsure of what the future would hold. Would we ever reconcile, or would this end in a painful divorce? Regardless of what had happened, I did love my husband (at least by choice). If we ever reconciled, I would be able to forgive the things he had done, but would they? If I shared really painful information with them, I could hinder those relationships from being restored if we decided to work things out.
     This was, at times, a lonely journey. Had it not been for my husband's sister, I would have really struggled. I knew that his sister would continue to love him, no matter what I said. I knew she was praying for us all through the day and even during the night. I knew she loved me, and I knew she loved our children. She sent encouraging texts, scriptures and checked in often through the day. She was a safe place for my scariest thoughts, and I will always treasure her for that. 
     I want to encourage you to find a person like that. Choose wisely, and think about how this person will respond if you ever decide to reconcile. Don't automatically assume you won't reconcile- wait on God's timing and answer. We need someone we can take our feelings and thoughts to, knowing they will respond in love and with spiritual wisdom. But remember we have another valuable resource- our Heavenly Father! He is always with us, and longs to carry our burdens for us. He wants this valley to bring us close to Him and rely on His strength to see us through. I spoke to Him in my head, and I spoke to Him out loud. And you know what?  The most wonderful thing happened when I talked to Him - He spoke back! Listen friends, really listen. He will speak, and you won't want to miss it!

Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22 ESV
Blessed be the LORD, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation. Selah Psalm 68:19
How can I bear by myself the weight and burden of you and your strife? Deuteronomy 1:12 ESV
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for family. I pray that I will not say things to them that will cause division or anger. Help me to be wise in what I share, and who I share things with. May I always remember the resource I have in You- You long to carry my burdens for me, so I gratefully lay them at Your feet. Thank You for Your love for me, Father. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Holding on to Hope

     Have you ever hoped to win a million dollars? I’ve actually wasted time imagining what I would do with it. Just in case you wondered, I would pay off our house, our cars, and college for the kids. I would probably take an exciting family vacation. And of course, give some to something worth-while. This is me hoping in the impossible. But when it comes to real life possibilities, there is always hope.

     It’s easier to hope for the little things- a sunny day after too many rainy days, a cup of coffee after a restless night of sleep, or a shower after a workout. But for the bigger things- a good job, buying a new house, or considering a move across the country, we can feel a little stressed and unsure. Our hope can waver when it doesn’t seem there’s a sure answer in the near future.

     But then we hit a storm in life, and it’s tough to have hope. I know, because it was something I had to constantly remind myself of- hope in all situations. In fact, I put a reminder on my lock screen on my phone that says: I wait for the LORD, my soul waits. And in His Word I hope. Psalm 130:5. There is a story behind that...

     It had been a particularly hard day. One where we had made progress in our relationship, and then I found out he went back to her. I was DEVASTATED. I spent a tear-filled night in bed, begging for something to hold on to that would give me the hope I longed to keep. I could feel the Spirit with me, but I had no answers. Then, in the morning, the verse of the day arrived on my phone- it was Psalm 130:5 (the verse above). Wow! God speaks, He really does. Hold on to hope, my friend. God really is able, and can do what seems impossible. Just when we think there is no way possible, He opens a way. It may not be the way we thought it would be, but if He is in control, we can rest in knowing it's the very best way for us. 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13 ESV

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7 ESV

But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience Romans 8:25 ESV

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12 ESV

For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O LORD, from my youth. Psalm 71:5 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me not to lose hope. You are the God of hope, and all things are possible with You. On the dark days, and in the sleepless nights, help me to remember Your power and might. You made the heavens and the earth. You designed the human body- so complex, and so orderly. You conquer our enemies, and You are always able. Thank You, Lord for being the source of my hope. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

ps- I almost posted this yesterday. And guess what the verse of the day was yesterday? Psalm 130:5;)

Sharing Brain Space with the Enemy

     I love when my husband is thinking good things about me. I love when he is thinking of our kids, our friends, our family members, or our two crazy dogs. These are safe people to have in his brain, and I am happy to share brain space with them. I especially love when he allows God to share a spot in there with us. But I can firmly say I hated the enemy taking residence in there, threatening my peace and sanity.
     For me, one of the harder things to process in the face of infidelity, was my own thoughts. Where was he? What is he doing? What does she look like? Why is he doing this? Is she better than me? Is he telling the truth? Will he come home? How did this happen? Why is God allowing this? Why do other people get to have faithful marriages, but I don't? Will my kids be okay? So many questions swirled around my brain and caused anxiety and fear. I longed for the days of security and peace. 
     As Christians, how can we deal with these painful thoughts, and allow peace to rule in our hearts and minds? Some days, I wasn't able to remove them from continually invading my mind. Over and over I would take them to my Heavenly Father, then have them assault me again. These thoughts are ugly and turn our focus on what we have been blessed with, to our problems. The days I struggled the most, I tried to shift my focus by staying busy. That would work as long as I was busy, but those night hours in the dark were the absolute worst. 
     How many of you go to bed and spend the night in deep despair, worrying over things that may not even happen? In the dark of the night, they seem certain and filled with doom. Anxiety makes it hard to breathe well, and sleep evades us. Then the light filters in, and the house begins to stir, and you realize your problems aren't quite so bad. That is not to make light of what we are dealing with, but we often feel most negative in our thought patterns in the middle of the night. 
     While I think it's impossible to stop the thoughts from invading us, I do think we can make choices on what we do with them. What worked best for me was to speak them to the Lord, and ask Him for help. Each time I thought something painful, I asked Him to help me, or comfort me. I allowed myself to cry when I needed to, knowing He cared for me and sorrowed with me. While Satan longed to get comfortable in my brain, I shooed him away with whispers to Jesus. We don't like sharing brain space in our spouse's mind with the enemy, but we also don't want to open ours to the enemy and allow his lies to jade us. Jesus speaks truth, and I choose to listen. 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8 ESV
We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, 2 Corinthians 10:5 ESV
When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul. Psalm 94:19 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father,
Help me to keep my perspective based on truth, and not the lies and fear of Satan. Help me to share my fears with You, and allow You to replace them with peace only You can give. I want my thoughts to be on things that are honorable, and just, and pure. In the darkness of night, when the enemy tries to steal my sleep with fear, give me rest. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Bearing one another's Burdens

     You may remember the Bible story about Moses and his friends, Aaron and Hur. Here is a scripture reference that gives you a good picture of what they did for him:
But Moses' hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. Exodus 17:12 ESV
During a battle, the Israelites were only winning while Moses held up his arms. Can you even imagine trying to hold your arms up for an entire day?  Now, I love some Zumba, and one class I take is called Zumba Tone. For one hour, we do Zumba dances while we hold light weights above our heads. When you initially hold them up, it's super easy, but after an hour, yikes- I need Aaron and Hur!
     I have been in a battle for my marriage over a year, and along the way, my arms grew weary. It was an experience that led to emotional exhaustion. There is no way I could hold up my arms that long without help. Along came my Aaron and Hur in the form of family, friends, and fellow believers. They came in droves, bringing kind words, encouragement, food, hugs, and prayers. They sat with me, invited me over, cried with me, and held me up. They didn't come for a couple days or weeks- they remained in the battle with me. I will always be grateful for those who helped carry my burden. When we come alongside someone who has a burden, we are living out a scriptural command (Galatians 6:2), and lightening the load for them.
     If you are in a battle, no matter what you're fighting against, share your burden with others. We are notorious for trying to handle our own problems, feeling it's a sign of weakness to ask for help. When we carry a heavy load, we will feel anxious, stressed, and afraid. But when we allow others to share our burdens, we feel more equipped to handle them in a healthy way. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. When we don't ask for help, we are often too afraid to show we are vulnerable, just like everyone else. 
     For me, I needed people to pray for me. I wanted a few who could talk me through the more difficult times. I longed for a dinner companion. I needed financial advice. The bathroom fan stopped working, and I'm hopeless with that sort of thing. I had friends that encouraged me in my new business venture, and gave advice. People slept over when I was lonely or afraid. These were simple acts of kindness that spoke of their love for me, and lightened my load. Friends, share your burdens so that others can exercise the truth of Galatians 6:2 (see below). And if you see someone with a burden, be Aaron and Hur to them- even if it's coming to Zumba with me. 

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 ESV
Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:22 ESV
The LORD upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to share my burdens with others. We often let fear and pride hold us back, but we can't carry our burdens well on our own. Help me to allow others to know my needs, so they can carry out the truth we find in scripture. And always, Lord, help me remember You long for us to give our burdens over into Your capable hands. Thank you for Your willingness to bear them for us, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!