New Mercies

 Maybe you have a special place where you love meeting with Jesus to talk and just spend time together. For me—it's our neighborhood gated boat ramp. It's generally empty during the day so it's the perfect place to be outdoors, enjoy His beautiful creation, and have a good visit. If people saw me, they would likely think I'm crazy because I love to talk out loud—it just feels more real that way for me. And sometimes I sing—also good I'm alone down there. But this week on one of our visits, I enjoyed the truth from the book of Lamentations. The book title itself sounds negative and oppressing—but there are some really beautiful truths we don't want to gloss over. Like this well-known one which touched my heart this week:

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness (Lamentations 3:22-23, ESV)."

This is a truth I know in theory from reading Scripture, but it often slips my mind as I rise another day, unsure or sometimes anxious at what may lie ahead for me. But as I strolled through our boat dock I saw the truth of it all around me—and in me. This is what I saw:

There was the sun—same as yesterday, giving light for us to see. And it'll be there tomorrow as well. I crave the light and He gives it faithfully each day.

I saw deer scurrying through the woods in search of a tender leaf or fleeing from the disruption from my intrusion into their world. This happens day after day, and there they were again—doing all things deer. There are new opportunities in this day—new adventures and new food choices. He provides for them because He cares for His creation.

I saw my favorite blue heron—Baby Blue is what I like to call her. She's in search of fish as she soars above the waters surface scanning for one to rise close enough to swoop it out of the lake. She's been there for months and I plan to see her again tomorrow. She's not worried today that she won't have food tomorrow. She's enjoying the hunt of today without anxiety or worry.

And there's me. The past is behind me and I've made plenty of mistakes for sure. There's no reason He should want to meet with me here in this place, or any place for that matter. But I know He craves this time with me and He won't hold yesterday against me—He beckons me to start fresh today with repentance and appreciation for the grace He liberally bestows on me. New opportunities are in this day and He faithfully provides for me in ways I often fail to notice or give thanks for. 

What kind of God does this for us—for me? What is it in Him that gives me a chance, day after day, to start fresh? It's His love for me—a love bigger than I can understand. These times spent with Him are precious and special and I think the most awesome part of it all is that He enjoys this time with me! He loves giving me new mercies every morning and His very character is one of faithfulness! My thoughts aren't deep or complicated this week, but I hope that they may encourage any who have not met with Him as much lately to make some time for a really good visit. May your hearts be warmed by His new mercies and His faithful love—they are such precious gifts and give us the opportunity to lay aside the burdens and mistakes of yesterday, and embrace this new day! 

Looking Ahead and Standing Guard

It's a New Year—2022! It seems hard to believe we are where we are, and that we've come through some really difficult years and face a new one with all its challenges ahead of us. While we've closed out 2021, we still have some of the same issues staring us in the face as we begin 2022. And yet among all of the challenges, we still serve the same Faithful God. But as we look ahead, it's great to take stock of where we are today, where we've been, and how we can do better tomorrow.  

There's much to be said about being committed and faithful to fulfilling our spiritual purpose, and yet Satan is no less interested today in manipulating our spiritual demise. The fact is, he's very good at what he does, and if we don't guard ourselves, we will fall spiritually. When we fall, every other area of our life will suffer. Our families will suffer, our marriage will suffer, our relationships will suffer and we will not be an employee or employer that exemplifies integrity or godliness. In no way is it true that as believers, we are promised an easy ride—that's called prosperity gospel, and is unscriptural at its core. But when we fail to guard ourselves and give in to Satan's temptations when life gets tough, it will dismantle us spiritually—affecting us and those we love. 

Perhaps one of the most powerful sermons I recently heard spoke of how it's a good practice to walk yourself mentally through a fall. Imagine yourself sitting down those you love and respect the most, confessing your failure to them—eye to eye, one by one. Imagine their response as they hear news that will disappoint them or break their hearts—and how it will break yours to see the pain caused by bad choices. It's an exercise that's sobering and frightening and helps us visualize the damage that comes from bad choices. And here's the honest truth—it's a possibility for every single one of us no matter our age or how long we've walked with Christ so we must be on guard. 

As we embark on a new year, it's a good time to reflect on our priorities. Where is the biggest chunk of my time spent? Who am I focused on the most? Am I being obedient to God's call on my life, and living to serve and please Him? Somedays, the answer may look much better than the next. And somedays, I feel pricked in my heart that its primary focus isn't first on Jesus. We don't set out to rearrange our priorities, it happens little by little and day by day in the choices we make. If we are too busy, we often cut out the most vital part of what we need spiritually—unhurried time with our Father in heaven. 

It's true that we've maneuvered through some pretty challenging years—years we couldn't have even begun to imagine. We've faced physical challenges, social challenges, emotional challenges and when you group all of those together, it can spill over into our spiritual health, crippling us and making us vulnerable to Satan's attacks against us. But I think one of the most precious truths we can hold on to is this: Jesus is the same—He never changes no matter what our circumstances may look like today. He's the same compassionate, grace-filled, loving Savior He was yesterday, last year, and even 1,000 years ago. Whatever we face this year, He's with us and He's for us.

As I think of 2022, I want to see my priorities balance out a little more than they've looked like previously. I want to stop living as a believer on auto pilot, going through the motions at times yet lacking spiritual fervor. I want to lay out further groundwork to protect my marriage, my family, my local church and the relationships I enjoy with family and friends. I want to acknowledge the propensity each day for slow steps in the wrong direction, and make corrections that will keep me on a path that pleases Christ. And should I live long enough to close out 2022, I pray that I'll see growth, development, enhanced relationships and harmony and joy in my home as I look back on the year. I pray I'll be committed to continually loving and better serving my husband, my family, my church family and most of all Jesus. And then I also pray that I'll strive for even more the following year so that each year, little by little, I'm starting to look a lot more like Him and a lot less like me. 

The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps (Proverbs 16:9, ESV).

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change (James 1:17, ESV).

What Every Marriage Needs

 There are many different things a marriage needs—that's definitely true! Without certain components a marriage will struggle. We need respect, acceptance, and love. We crave companionship, romance and daily support. We want to feel attraction and desire. As Christians, we need a firm foundation individually and as a unit in Christ. These are all important aspects that enhance and build a successful marriage—but without commitment, the marriage is in serious trouble.

For the year or so that followed the rebuilding of our marriage, I struggled with worry—hoping our marriage would make it this time. One of the most wonderful truths that came to me through prayer was this: It's not my responsibility to make my spouse stay. Sure, I need to put forth my best effort at being a wife, but the staying of my spouse doesn't rest on my shoulders—what does rest on my shoulders is my own commitment to stay. This removed a large amount of anxiety and burden I initially felt as we forged into recovery and rebuilding, allowing me to focus on what I was responsible for. 

Commitment is something we learn from God, because He has demonstrated it daily to us. I sadly remember times in my own Christian experience when I wandered from God and allowed our connection to grow dim. Let me be clear—it was completely one-sided. God never leaves us or abandons us—He is faithful and committed to us every second of every day. Just because I forget to pray at times or read His Word won't send Him packing. If I believe I'm too busy to meet with Him on Sundays because my priorities are in the wrong order, He won't turn His back on me. If I fail to tell others about what He's done in my life and neglect to share His gospel story, He's still with me. Does it hurt Him? It does, but it does not change His commitment to me. 

It's embarrassing when we stop to think of how we are as part of Christ's bride and the different expectations we have for our own spouse. We have the perfect Bridegroom, and yet we often are guilty of treating Him poorly and not making Him the priority we should in life. But the minute our spouse begins to irritate us or do things we don't particularly like, we feel less committed and possibly even ready to throw in the towel. Do you see how trivial we are when we consider the commitment God has shown us? There are situations when staying isn't safe—whether physically or emotionally. Abuse is always wrong, but in the regular pattern of living and loving 24/7, "messy" is bound to happen at times.

So we see how God is our primary example of commitment, but what exactly does the word mean? Commitment is defined as the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity or something else. In the case of marriage, it's a dedication to your spouse and the vows you made. It's being there for each other when life is hard and full of challenges. It's being the support needed when life gets difficult, and also to celebrate victories. It's being there when your spouse is sick, aggravating, or discouraged. It's remaining committed whether they seem boring, put on weight or forget your anniversary. Commitment means you stay for better or for worse—expecting that some seasons will truly be "worse". 

For any who are married or considering marriage, commitment is the essential element. You can only control your staying—your spouse is responsible for theirs. You can worry and hope and try to do this, or try to do that. Ultimately as Christians, our level of commitment should mirror the pattern we learned through Christ and leaving should not be a consideration unless we are in danger. There is no perfect spouse out there and somedays, yours will irritate you or make you angry. Other days, you'll be the one irritating and upsetting your spouse. This brings to light the additional need for a forgiving spirit—also best displayed through Christ. When we stop to consider what He's forgiven us for, it's shameful to think of us holding grudges and refusing to easily forgive others. Marriage is hard, yes, but marriage is also a beautiful blessing—one to treat with care, consideration and commitment. 

If a man vows a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth (Numbers 30:2, ESV).

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the LORD and not for men (Colossians 3:23, ESV),

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up (Galatians 6:9, ESV)

"If you love me, you will keep my commandments (John 14:15, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for your faithful commitment to each one of us. We don't deserve it because we fail You so often. May we learn from Your perfect example, and treat our spouses the way You treat us. In Your name we pray, Amen!

No Way Out!

     We often like to think we are highly-committed people, but many times, we find it so easy to throw in the towel and quit. Take dieting, for instance. I often find myself setting goals, only to throw them out the window for a piece of warm apple pie with vanilla ice cream, or a Chick-fil-A sandwich with a frosted coffee. I planned to have a little, boring cup of  greek yogurt, but my hunger spoke louder than my good sense. The most important aspect of being successful in weight loss, is a commitment to sticking it out- and sometimes, I simply cave. 
     The same is true within a marriage. There are so many tools we can apply in our marriages that will help to better them- love, grace, understanding, patience, kindness, actions that support our words, a listening ear, a servant's heart, honesty, respect and so much more! But without commitment, those tools simply aren't enough. If we don't believe in the vows we made, "as long as we both shall live", we are in hot water! A marriage lacking in commitment is in trouble. 
     Apart from abuse, viewing our marriage as permanent is crucial to its health. In my own marriage, for almost two and a half decades, we were both completely committed to one other. It was understood that we would always be together, as long as God gave us. But in a very short time, Satan opened up the door to a "way out". He whispered lies that separated us. He provided a recipe for marital disaster. And as soon as commitment was in question, we found ourselves suffering the consequences of allowing this thought process to invade and destroy. 
     Why is it important to God that we honor our marriage, and stay committed? God has patterned marriage after His relationship with us- His children. He calls our relationship with Him a marriage. We are His Bride, and He is our bridegroom. How serious is God's commitment to His people? Does He change His mind about us when we fail Him? Does He decide He likes someone better than us, and abandon us? Does He grow tired of us, and long for someone better? No! God is faithfully committed to us, and that will never change. Even when we are the most unlovable.We never have to worry about where He is, or if He will stick around. He is always with us, and He always will be. If our marriage is to be a picture of that relationship He has with us, then we should have a clear picture of why He values our marital commitment, and wants us to remain faithful to one another. 
     While I may sometimes stink at staying committed to a healthy diet, I need to make sure I don't lose sight of being committed in my marriage. Some days will be hard. Some seasons will seem almost impossible. Some moments will crush my heart. But most won't. Most have been enjoyable, comfortable, wonderful, fulfilling and full of wonderful memories. But even on the days when those seem far from reach, may God give me a heart of commitment to my husband. If I want my marriage to succeed, and I most certainly do, then I have to believe there isn't a way out. Not because I'm trapped, but because God has a plan for the two of us, and if I quit, I'll miss out on whatever it is. And in the process, I would tarnish the picture of God's love for His children. Friend- let's not say we are stuck in our marriages when we consider commitment. Instead, let's stay committed- focused on being the very best spouse for our partner. Even on the hard days. Even when we don't want to- we stay. Because God stays with us. 

If a man vows a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. Numbers 30:2 ESV
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9 ESV
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, it's easy to stay committed when things are great, and life is good. But on the harder days, we often want to quit. Give us the strength and courage to remain committed to our marriages- even when they don't look the way we hoped. Help us to be a picture of grace when grace is needed, and help our marriage to reflect your relationship with us. Lord, even when it seems impossible, we know there is always a way, because You are with us. In Your name, we pray, Amen!

See Them with Different Eyes

     You hear the conversation from the other room, and your whole world spins out of control. Can it be true? Doesn't cancer happen to other people and their families? We never thought it would part of our journey- not now! Or the phone rings, and you hear words you hoped you would never hear- "your husband had a heart attack, and has been taken by ambulance to the local emergency department. Please come right away." Or your son is in a serious battle with depression, and you are desperate to get him help! These are moments that forever change our lives, and we feel compassion and a strong desire to do anything possible for them. We long to alleviate their pain and assist them in their health crisis. 
     When health issues assault a loved one, we work hard to make life comfortable for them. We drive them to appointments, we lighten their work load, we buy them gifts, and offer them unlimited support. We shave our heads so they aren't bald alone, we encourage them to seek counseling, or try eating the same heart healthy diet. We cry with them, listen to them, and try our best to understand, on some level, the journey they are on. Why do we do it? Because we love them, and their pain is personal to us. Our compassion capacity is "all in" for them, and we make sure they know it.
     Why then, do we have such a hard time feeling compassion when the sickness isn't physical?. What about when the sickness is spiritual in nature? Why do we so easily walk away, offering little to those we claim to love? When we are able to see infidelity, among other spiritual struggles, as a real battle against our sinful flesh, it transforms how we see our spouse. Yes- what they have done has caused a great deal of pain, but it often wasn't intentional, but rather the result of the "slow fade" Casting Crowns sings about. 
     Many have asked, through our own journey through infidelity, how I felt about my husband during those difficult months and years. Choosing to feel bitterness and focus on the anger, would result in my own "slow fade". These feelings are not meant to be a part of who we are, as Christians, even though anger has its place in any affair. But when I chose to look on my husband with eyes of compassion for his fall, it changed my way of thinking altogether. This man that I loved, was in a crisis, and by golly, I wanted to help him! If we all walked away from those who have fallen and are broken, then we are quitters. We are prideful. We are hard-hearted. We are missing the call of the gospel. 
     If you know someone who has fallen away from their faith, struggling against their flesh and the devil, and walking in ways contrary to scripture, can I ask you to show them compassion? Pity and feeling sorry for them isn't the same being compassionate. Pity involves pride, while compassion understands our own ability to fall-  choose compassion over pity! They are spiritually sick, and they need help. They need love. They need wise counsel. They need a hug. They desperately need prayer. They need the body of Christ more than ever before. Please don't neglect those who are floundering in their faith. What I realized is this-  I am capable of the same fall. My sincere hope is that should it ever happen, you will faithfully pursue my restoration. Your help may not be accepted for a long time, or possibly ever, but God has called us to live out the gospel. This doesn't only pertain to the lost, but also to those who have fallen away. God never turns His back on us when we fail or fall, and I pray I will live out that same principle in my own life, regarding others! See them with eyes like Jesus, and you'll start to see that they look an awful lot like you.

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, Colossians 3:12 ESV
"So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12 ESV
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. 1 Peter 3:8 ESV
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God. Matthew 5:9 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, may we train our eyes to see others with compassionate eyes, like Yours. It's so easy to dismiss those who have hurt us, refusing to restore relationships, and seeking revenge, instead. Help us to see the hurting, even though they have hurt us, too. God, help us to draw alongside the spiritually ill, and love them through it. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen!

Unloved like Leah

       If you've ever felt "less than", I get it. Whether you were overlooked for making a school sports team, a runner-up in a pageant, missed a promotion to a more qualified co-worker, or lost in an art show to someone more talented, you understand the sting of feeling passed over. These are life events we all face at one time or another, and the best way to move forward is to dust ourselves off and keep going. But sometimes, being "less than" hurts far more than we feel capable of handling on our own. Being rejected hurts, but being rejected by the one we love is devastating and seemingly impossible. I've had a Bible story on my heart for quite a while that paints a clear picture of being unloved and looked over for another. If you would like to read more of the story, you can find it in Genesis 29. 
     Here is a brief synopsis of the story of Jacob, Leah and Rachel: A long time ago, in a far away country in the east, there were two sisters. The younger sister had a beautiful face and a good figure, while the older was plain and less attractive. A young man comes into town and finds the prettier sister at the watering well as he inquired of his Uncle to some of the local men. She is the daughter of his Uncle Laban, and he is welcomed into their home. He falls desperately in love with this pretty young woman named Rachel, and eventually asks her father for her hand in marriage. He offers seven years of his life to her father in exchange for Rachel. He works for seven years and feels like it was only a short time because of his great love for her. After his wedding night, he wakes up in the morning to find his Uncle had tricked him and given him the older sister, Leah, as it was the custom to marry off the older first. He then waits one week, and is given his long anticipated bride, Rachel, in exchange for an additional seven years of service to her father. This begins a long, complicated, painful journey for these sisters, and Jacob. Marriage was never intended to be shared, but rather a sacred union between two individuals. God knew the complications, jealousy, and heartache that would result from polygamy, and because of this, it was not His intention that we would share our spouse with another. 
     Imagine with me the pain Leah was forced to endure because of her father's deceit. Rachel was always given the place of favor among Jacob, and Leah was not cherished. Jacob would choose to lie in Rachel's arms over Leah's. Jacob would choose to spend his free time with Rachel, and not Leah. Leah would yearn for his love, only to see it showered on her sister instead. Rachel would become jealous and unkind towards her sister for her ability to bear children, while she remained barren for quite some time. Leah hoped that bearing sons would cause her husband to love her, but she was unable to capture his heart. 
     Have you ever felt like a Leah- unloved, unseen, unchosen, and cast aside? No matter who or whatever causes us to feel this way in life, as God's children, we are never unloved or unchosen. While the sting of rejection doesn't vanish because our Heavenly Father loves us, we can rest assured that He will heal our hurts and He understands our feelings of being unloved. No one ever felt as unwanted as our Savior did. If your heart is hurting and heavy from being overlooked, put away or cast aside, lay your burdens at His feet, and hear His precious promise to you- You are my beloved, and I have chosen you!

For you are a people holy to the LORD your God, and the LORD has chosen you to be a people for his treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. Deuteronomy 14:2 ESV
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah Psalm 62:8 ESV
Give thanks to the God of heaven, for his steadfast love endures forever. Psalm 136:26 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, we are so thankful that we can be sure of Your faithful love towards Your people. While we may feel cast aside by those who love us here, we know You will never forsake or leave us. Thank You Father, for Your faithfulness and Your perfect love for us. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen!

April the 8th: Memories- Goodbye Little One

     We all have life dreams- things we think of and wish for with all our hearts. Some want to be an actor. Some, a surgeon. Another may wish to take a ride out in space or a submarine into the depths of the ocean. Having goals is great and gives us something to work towards. For me, I wanted to be a wife and a mom. Having babies of my own was one thing I looked forward to, and assumed it would happen without much effort. I wanted to marry my best friend (and I did), and then settle into raising our babies.
     While having dreams is a great thing, we often find that chasing them will lead us down paths of heartache. It isn't to say we shouldn't have our dreams, but things don't always happen easily, or the way we imagined they would. It's in these times God is working to exercise our faith and calling us to trust Him. But sometimes in those seasons, we often lose focus of our faith and instead, feel fear and disappointment.
     My first pregnancy came without many months of trying. I was elated and couldn't wait for maternity clothes (they were ugly back in the day, mind you), lamaze classes, baby showers and all the fun leading up to Delivery Day. I remember the excitement of my first ultrasound at 16 weeks. The doctor had told me we would likely find out the sex of our baby at this visit, and I could hardly wait. I'll never forget how the anticipation and excitement of this day turned to heartache and sadness. On January 4th of 1995, we learned that our little one had passed away in the womb and would be surgically removed the following day. Disbelief and disappointment were very real that day and the months that would follow. Further heartache would come a few days later when my milk came in with no little one to feed. That was a tough valley in life, and one I never expected to experience.
     After a couple months, we found out we were pregnant again. I was excited, but didn't feel well and had a feeling that things weren't right again this time. On April the 8th of 1995, I came home from the grocery store cramping and feeling anxious. Within an hour, I was headed to the Emergency Room to see yet again, that our second child was in Heaven without us. A long season of waiting followed- a season filled with sadness and grief. Everyone around me seemed to be pregnant and having healthy babies, and my arms were empty. I was truly happy for them, but hurting for what I had lost.
     Prior to infidelity in our marriage, this season was our biggest challenge. And just as God worked in restoring our marriage, He worked to repair my wounded heart decades earlier when we were faced with infertility. The same God that cared for our marriage, cared for us in those years of wondering and waiting. Sometimes He gives us our own biological children, and sometimes He asks us to care for little ones that are in need of a mom and dad- either are a huge privilege and responsibility. But God hears our prayers for a child, and He makes a way for us to hear those precious words from the lips of a child- "Mom" or "Dad". If you know the pain and disappointment of infertility, my heart hurts for you- it's a difficult road to travel, and one many know all too well. 
     I'll never forget the day I first held my firstBORN son- a treasure and a true gift from God. And two years later, He blessed us with a little girl. On this day- 24 years after the second miscarriage, I'm reflecting on my Faithful God. He's been so good to me- to us. Yes, He's allowed us seasons of pain- but in them, I've found a faithful and loving Father. This Father is intimately involved in my little world. He cared for my empty arms and filled them. He cared for my empty heart when my husband had left home, and He led him back to us. How good is God- a God who loves, cares, provides, comforts, encourages and restores. If you don't know Him- I hope today you'll make it your mission to seek Him. Scripture tells us that when we seek Him, and search for Him with all our heart, we will find Him. You'll never be the same, and you'll never be sorry- and better yet- you'll never be alone!

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 ESV
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Psalm 127:3 ESV
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD! Psalm 27:13-14 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, be with those who are facing infertility today. Give them comfort, peace and Your love as they wait on You. Thank You, Father, for hearing our own cries and for blessing us with a family. Thank You for restoring our marriage and for working so intimately in our lives. We are humbled by Your love and care, and thank You for the hope only You can give. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Broken

     I've heard it said of others, and often wondered exactly what it looked like when someone was "broken". Yes, in many ways, that can be said of us when we come to the point of accepting salvation from our Heavenly Father. But what about after that, when we fall and find ourselves deeply entrenched in sin? How long will God allow us to stay there, and what will it look like when we come to the breaking point? Will it be obvious? Will others notice the change?
     When my husband fell to adultery, I prayed countless times throughout every day that God would break him and change his heart. And a few times along the way, I thought maybe He had, but let me tell you- when it happens, it's so obvious! The end result of those days where God convicted and changed the heart of my husband ended in brokenness. It wasn't subtle. It wasn't vague- no, it was a complete change of heart, and a change with God's name stamped all over it. In short, it was nothing less than a miracle!
     When my husband was involved in the affair, his eyes had a hardness to them I had never seen before. But when I saw my husband after he was broken, his eyes were full of peace. The hard edge to his face was replaced by a softer, kinder look. And the moment I saw him, we fell into each other's arms with many tears of sorrow for what we had been through, and joy with for what God had done to bring us to this place. The absolute reality was this - he was forever changed, just as he stated in his deliverance story! That evening will forever be one of my most treasured memories.
     If you are a child of God and living in a lifestyle of sin, God won't leave you alone. You may not hear Him for stretches of time because you choose to drown out His voice, but He will relentlessly pursue His wayward children. I knew God would not give up on him, even though at times, my faith wavered. I prayed desperately for a changed heart- a heart that remembered Who God is, and a desire for lovingly serving Him. Because when we make God our priority, and read His Word, we will find our other relationships fall into a better place. 
     I will forever be grateful to the Lord for breaking my husband! While it was the most difficult trial we have faced to date, I have faith that God will use us in sharing our story with the world! Our story is a story that speaks of God's redemption. We pray it will point others to our Source of strength and hope, Jesus Christ- the Author of forgiveness, hope, and abundant grace!

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalm 51:17 ESV
For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: "I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite. Isaiah 57:15 ESV
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for relentlessly pursuing us when we wander from Your way and will for us. I praise You for the work You have done in our marriage, and for breaking our will when it opposes Yours. Your grace and mercy are gifts we often take for granted, and yet when we see them demonstrated in this way, they are precious gifts to us, dear Lord. We love You for Who You are, and for what You are doing, and for giving Your life for ours. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Part Four- His Deliverance ( told by him)

** Continued from the previous 3 days... don't miss those!

     Later that same evening, I went to grab some dinner and for the first time in forever, I sat alone and not one person bothered to talk to me, yet I was in perfect peace. God had, in a miraculous way, moved in my heart and helped me latch on to His wonderful offering of grace. I couldn't live without it, nor could I take one more step without just accepting God had forgiven me, and the weight of sin was gone. The chains that had held me captive for far too long were broken. Not only had God forgiven me, but I was able to rest and claim that forgiveness for myself. 

     I spent that evening back at my sister's sitting alone watching YouTube videos of gospel artists singing the wonderful message of forgiveness. I let them pour into my soul like water on dry, barren ground. I didn't find out until later, that there were quite a few prayer warriors fighting for me that day. I will be forever grateful for the prayers of those that sought to bring me back to the light and love of my Savior. 

     What I witnessed over those couple days will forever impact my life. It gave me a new opportunity with my life and my marriage that would otherwise have been over. That God would lead my wife to write a blog about what had happened, and that He would lead me to read it and be convicted in such a way that it would redirect my steps, is something only God could do! The path, though hard, will never be the same because I have chosen to walk so much closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. 

     My daily prayer is this: "Jesus, I need you in every moment of my day, please help me stay close to You, and in everything I do, let me be reminded that You are with me in every step. Thank You, God, for allowing me to see my sin, and for working a miracle in my life to bring me to a place where You could move and heal. I love You for what You have done to secure my soul eternally, for what You are currently doing to make me more like You, and for the fresh appreciation I have been given of Your grace towards me. Amen!" There will be many small steps of building trust, respect, and healing back into relationships I had carelessly tossed to the side. One verse stands out to me though, when I think of what is ahead : I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13). 

     I have included the verses of a hymn that is very special to me. The words that touch me so deeply are these: "wonderful grace of Jesus, greater than all my sin...broader than the scope of my transgressions, greater far than all my sin and shame, O magnify the precious name of Jesus, praise His name!

Wonderful grace of Jesus

Greater than all my sin

How shall my tongue describe it?

Where shall its praise begin?

Taking away my burden, setting my spirit free

For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

Chorus:

Wonderful the matchless grace of Jesus

Deeper than the mighty rolling sea

Higher than the mountain

sparkling like a fountain

All sufficient grace for even me

Broader than the scope of my transgressions

Greater far than all my sin and shame

O Magnify the precious name of Jesus

Praise His name!

Wonderful grace of Jesus

Reaching to all the lost

By it I have been pardoned

Saved to the uttermost

Chains have been torn asunder, giving me liberty

For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

Wonderful grace of Jesus

Reaching the most defiled

By its transforming power

Making him God's dear child

Purchasing peace and Heaven for all eternity

For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

                

Hymn by Haldor Lillenas , 1918

New Year- New Me

     I think of the phrase, "new year, new you", and this year, that couldn't be more true. Oh the changes of the past year... and how those changes changed me! Here I was looking forward into 2019 with a whole different life situation- some good, some heartbreaking. While I had grown closer to the Lord, deepened my relationships with my children, started my own business, and began this blog journey, I was also looking at a possible divorce and the absence of my favorite person.
     There were definite things I wanted to celebrate, and others I wished to forget. And just as with NYE, I didn't want to face the same traditions we had celebrated in past years and longed for something different. I know some of my family members didn't understand, but I could not do my usual hosting of New Year's Day, or anything remotely similar. It's a hard thing to try to explain to someone who hasn't been there, but "different" was absolutely necessary.
     In the past, I had my whole family over for an Italian meal, games, strategizing for our family diet for the next few months, and just enjoying one another's company. It had always been something I enjoyed, but I was ready for a change. My kids were supportive of "something new", and we ended up celebrating in a really fun way, and had a really fun day! We spent a few hours at Top Golf, which by the way, I'm not too good at;) But hey- I think I may have a future at honing this new skill! Then we headed off for a couple hours of shopping and a nice dinner out. My kids made me laugh, and at times, I forgot my sadness. Kids are good for bringing a smile or a laugh when we need one the most. 
     While I knew my husband was off celebrating in a different place, I didn't know that God was working in his heart to begin something absolutely amazing. And so while this day was a different day, with a different perspective and outlook, very soon God would do something that could only point to His absolute faithfulness and power. But in this new moment, of this new year, there were changes in me that only God could bring about, and for them, I am thankful. 
     If you take your loved ones or your marriage for granted, I want you to take this moment to appreciate them. Tomorrow is not guaranteed- not the people we love or the marriage we have. And take this moment to appreciate the God Who delivers us from our worst moments, and brings us into victory. This isn't victory we have won for ourselves- but victory He gives through His miraculous work. And when we experience that victory, the most powerful thing we see through it is God's glory. Thank You dear Jesus for seeking victory in not only my marriage, but my life! Help me to remember that through it all, it isn't about me, Lord- it's all about You! When all is said and done, and my body is laid to rest, I hope there is this one thing remembered about my life- the faithfulness of my Heavenly Father and how His glory was revealed in my life. 

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23 ESV
For the word of the LORD is upright, and all his work is done in faithfulness. Psalm 33:4 ESV
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV
O LORD GOd of hosts, who is mighty as you are, O LORD, with your faithfulness all around you? Psalm 89:8 ESV
He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and a buckler. Psalm 91:4 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, You faithfully deliver us from our fiery trials in Your time, not ours. You walked alongside me through my most painful days, never leaving me when life got tough. Your faithfulness and power give so much hope and encouragement and when I walk through the gates of victory, may others recognize the Author of my victory. Thank You for fighting for me, Father. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

God loves Sinners

     Loving difficult people isn't easy, and if I'm really being honest, I find it almost impossible. People who are rude and have nothing kind to say grate on my nerves. I can't even begin to understand people who are abusive to their children or loved ones, and their sin angers me. For those who are unkind to my children, it takes restraint for me to not get involved (because I know they don't want me to)! Annoying drivers don't cause loving feelings to escape from my mind or lips. In short, I see love as something that you earn from me, rather than a way of life.
     When it came to infidelity in my marriage, I felt some pretty unloving feelings. When I thought of the woman that had an affair with my husband- no real love there. When I listened to painful words said to me, they were stored up for feelings of resentment. This is the way of our sinful human hearts. We like to tweak the golden rule to suit us, and make it more like this: do to others what they deserve, by how they treat you. Ugh, this mind of mine is often unrighteous and full of yuck. 
     I often get stuck in these thought patterns and then ask myself why in the world God would love me. Sure, I remained faithful to my husband when he wasn't faithful to me, but I have plenty of my own sin to make me wonder at God's love toward me. It's easy for me to point fingers and think God sees me as "less bad" than the next person, but that just isn't the case. He doesn't keep score, He sees all sin as sin. And for some reason our minds can't fathom, He chooses to love sinners, even while He hates sin. 
     What sin do you struggle with? I have my own list, and it's sadly pretty extensive. I can get caught up in the injustice of sins that hurt me, but ultimately sin is against God. And my sin is just as ugly as the next person. Sin makes me fall short of God's standard, no matter how "big" or "small" it may be. God has compassion for us when we are hurt by sin, but He also calls all of us to confess our sins and repent (changing our behavior). So while infidelity deeply hurt me, it hurt God more. And even while it hurt Him, He loved the sinner no less. And He loves me that way too- without conditions or limits. I won't ever understand it this side of eternity, but one day when I'm face to face with my Savior, I can't wait to tell Him how thankful I am for His unconditional love towards sinful me!

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 ESV
In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 1 John 4:10 ESV
Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8 ESV
We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19 ESV
By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." John 13:35 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I can't understand Your love for me, but I'm thankful for it. I love others with a love tainted by sin, placing limits on my love by how they treat me. Help me to throw out the limits and conditions that hold me back from loving like You love. Lord I am so thankful You came to die for my sin and wash me clean. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

How I Felt About Him When We Were Apart

     My husband always had my heart before he walked out the door. I found him fun, attractive and my other half. For almost 25 years, he was there, and I always figured he would be. When I discovered his affair, I had some pretty hurt and angry feelings- naturally. I had always joked about shooting him if he ever cheated on me, never thinking it was a real possibility for us.

     When he left, I honestly was torn in two about how I felt about him. I felt disgust and anger one minute, and compassion and love the next. My heart and mind had loved him so long, it didn't know how to feel differently. And yet I kept finding myself astounded that this man I had loved so long would betray me in this way. I would see him and feel like I either wanted to hide, or hug him. It was a very confusing time for me.

     I have never been that person that yells, screams and throws things. While other people offered their feelings of what they would do (or think they would do), it just isn't like me to be vindictive or ugly. It isn't that I didn't have those feelings or daydreams, but I couldn't do it and feel good about it. To be honest, my biggest feeling for him was concern- concern for how he was damaging relationships, hurting those who loved him the most, and turning his back on God. None of this was like the man I had loved and lived with for most of our lives. This concern was motivated by my feelings of love for him that I still felt.

     We had our face to face moments, and usually after the initial pain and anger started to shift, we could spend time together and show kindness and care. He was very forthright and honest at owning up to our situation, and I think that helped me to feel compassion rather than hatred. Another contributing factor - a big factor- was what God kept speaking to my heart. Over and over again He urged me to love him, pray for him, and show him kindness. It wasn't always easy, but I knew it was one way of reminding him that God loves us without conditions. And God asks us to love like He loves. This love is sacrificial, and a love we often feel for our kids, but less often feel it for an unfaithful spouse. Loving a spouse is a choice- one we make each day. I chose to love him regardless of his behavior and choices, and whether he returned my love or not didn't matter- I was choosing to love him the way Christ loves me. The rest was up to my Heavenly Father, and I trusted Him for whatever was ahead for us.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sin. 1 Peter 4:8 ESV

Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, 1 Peter 1:22 ESV

May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and the steadfastness of Christ. 2 Thessalonians 3:5 ESV

Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to love- even when it's hard. I thank You for faithfully loving me, no matter what I do or say. Your love is faithful and kind, and I want to love like You love. Help me to love like that, Father, In Your precious name I pray, Amen! 

Never Say Never

     There are a few things I have proclaimed I would never do in life! One was marrying my husband;) My husband was my younger brother's BFF, so I never took him seriously when he said he liked me. I also never really thought I would be a fan of spray tans, but today, I sit here nice and golden (not orange), waiting to board a ship tomorrow. I mean, who likes to be pale when you're cruising the high seas? So I've learned something about the word "never" - a word I should use less often, and with careful consideration.
     Never was a word we used about infidelity. In our marriage, we believed it was a "never"- yet here we are, living in the  "it happened to us". I wonder if you've said it about your marriage, too. While it's an admirable goal, and one we hope to live up to, it's also a prideful statement. Anyone can fall, and I was taught that lesson in a painful way. I think a much better way to look at infidelity is to not say "never", but to carry out daily practices to protect you from a real possibility of falling to it. Because if you know my husband, you know, like me, that it really can happen to any of us. And while you may outwardly acknowledge the truth in that, you may inwardly whisper- but not for us. 
     What are your "nevers" in life? Looking back, how many did you actually end up doing at some point? For me, I have crossed plenty "nevers" off of my mental list. I've found that my "nevers" were rooted in pride, believing myself to be better than I truly am. But I've also found freedom in falling to them- freedom that when I do fall to my own ridiculous standards, God isn't surprised, and He is there for me, waiting for me to allow Him to carry me through. 
     If you feel as if you are safe from an extramarital affair, let go of that assumption. There isn't a need to feel fearful when you let go, but instead, look to God as the foundation in your marriage, and build it up day by day. Acknowledge your need of protection from sin, and arm yourselves daily in staying committed, and faithful. And please, never say never when it comes to infidelity. Instead, pray that God protects your marriage, and that you remember Who should be guiding each of you every day! You are never safer than when He is at the center of your marriage- so don't let Him go!

But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ. 2 Corinthians 11:3 ESV
Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall. 1 Corinthians 10:12 ESV
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 ESV
Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I confess my pride in believing I am above falling to sin. Help me  protect my marriage by allowing You to be at the center of it, and encouraging my spouse to allow that as well. Thank You for faithfully restoring and forgiving when we do fall. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Intimacy after Infidelity

     This is a hard topic to write about, and I would love to skirt around the issue, but it's a pretty big part of the story. Not to mention, my parents read my blog ("Hi Mom and Dad" ;) and yet, I feel called to tastefully bring up this subject. For some, you may have experienced infidelity in your marriage, and were never intimate again with the spouse who betrayed you. For others, like me, you have experienced intimacy with your spouse, after a sexual affair. 
     For all of my almost 25 years of marriage to my husband, there was never anyone else to compare myself to, when it came to sex. We married as virgins and figured out the whole mystery of sex together. It was beautiful and pure and I never had to wonder how I measured up. He had the same luxury, knowing that I only knew him, and there was no judgment or comparison in the bedroom. This is the way God designed sex- as a way of demonstrating love between a man and wife within the union of marriage. Our world has a really messed up view of sex- very different than what God created it for, and Satan has used sex to lure plenty of married men or women away from their spouse. 
     Friends, if you and your spouse have only had sex with each other, thank them today for their gift of faithfulness. This gift is so precious and not to be taken for granted. I confess that I never anticipated an affair in our marriage, and felt secure in remaining untouched by sexual betrayal. Because it has touched our marriage, I now wonder things I had never wondered about before. It's natural to wonder how I measure up or where I fell short. It's hard to think of what was exclusively mine, being shared with an outsider. It's painful to have images or scenarios in our brains that may or may not be real. It was far simpler before these issues and heartaches became a part of our marriage, and yet they are. 
     So, how do we deal with them? Other than counseling (which I strongly suggest), how do you gain confidence in intimacy after betrayal? Can you gain confidence? In my story, it was initially hard to do, but with God's guiding, and open communication, healing comes. And while I will save most of that for another day, the bottom line for today is this: God never intends for our marriages to face infidelity, and it is outside of His plan for us. But He will use sexual betrayal to teach us more about His faithfulness, when we experience unfaithfulness by others. And just as He makes us new creations in Christ, He can also mend a broken marriage. It will take time, patience, effort and consistency. But there is no problem too big for Him- in all things, and in all ways, He is able. My hope is, was, and will be in Jesus Christ! I choose to listen to what He says about me, than what Satan whispers in my ear. I refuse to play the comparison game. I am who God chose for my husband, and so I am not only the best woman for him, but the only woman. God help us to remain faithful all the rest of our days- and thank You God for making broken things, wonderfully beautiful again!

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 ESV
"You shall not commit adultery. Exodus 20:14 ESV
Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 1 Corinthians 6:18 ESV
So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:22 ESV
Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Colossians 3:5 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for the gift of sex; it's a beautiful gift, and yet so often abused and used in the wrong way. Protect our marriages from sexual betrayal, and when we are sexually betrayed, may we come to You for healing and hope. Help us not to be held captive by feelings of inadequacy or rejection, but to remember what You say about us. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
     

Triggered

     If you have experienced an emotional trauma in life, you likely have triggers that bring it back to mind. It may be a smell, a phrase, a song, or something you see. You may think you have effectively put it away from the forefront of your mind, and when you experience a trigger, it slams its unwelcome presence back to the surface of your brain. We may do our best to try to avoid our triggers, but at some point, we will likely come face to face with one that will unnerve us and cause us to remember. 

     For me, I have quite a few that come to mind. I love music- many different genres. There is an extensive list of country music songs that make me dive for the power button, hoping to never hear them again. And places- I have a list of them that I prefer not to revisit for the memories they evoke. Even seasons can be painful, remembering what was going on during that time when we were in our valley of pain and heartache. 

     You likely have your own triggers, and you know what they are. It's crazy how well we think we are doing, and then a trigger puts us back in our minds to a place we don't want to remember. But the triggers will stay with us, so I have made a plan for what to do with them when they surface- because I know they will. I could choose to let them ruin my day or moment, or I can look at them in a different way. I can see how far I have come from that bad memory, and how God faithfully walked me through the storm. I can remember the family and friends that stepped in and carried my burdens with me. I can see how God used that bad season to make me stronger and more dependent on Him. I can see how He placed people in my life that would need me because I know the pain of that trial- and how their need of me, in turn, helped in my own healing. Yes, I will choose to think of the good that came from those bad moments when I hear that blasted song yet again, or think about that place I don't want to go, ever again. And one day, those memories won't hurt quite so bad. I'll learn to be thankful that God allowed them, knowing it would be a part of my story that would make me softer, more relatable, and overwhelmed at God's ability to make what was intended for evil, more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. 

And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. Deuteronomy 8:2 ESV

Remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me, Isaiah 46:9 ESV

I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. Psalm 77:11 ESV

I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands. Psalm 143:5 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, my memory holds some painful experiences, but I pray that You will help me recall Your faithfulness to me through those experiences. You walked me through the darkest parts of my story, and You are there even when I think I don't need You. Lord, I always need You, and I'm thankful You are always there with me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

     

His Story- Guilt Associated with Lies

     In my last post, I discussed lies and betrayal. But behind the lies is a mountain of guilt. You may or may not know how this feels. I can tell you that even though it stemmed from my own choices and behavior, it feels terrible. Guilt manifested itself in many different behaviors for me, but the biggest one that stands out is withdrawal.
     It's a vicious cycle, with lying. You lie, you feel guilty and withdraw. It was a behavior pattern for me that not only I could see, but my wife could as well. The lies between us caused me to withdraw from her. I was careful not to stay too close to her, or even any other family members, because I was sadly worried about receiving texts from the other woman, and upsetting them. And so I avoided my wife and my own family.
     I was staying with my sister during much of the past year, and I lied to her as well. My sister is a good woman- God-fearing, and not afraid to speak her opinion. And so I lied to her about my whereabouts, and what I was up to. I didn't want her to question me, or voice her disapproval. I tried to stay out of the house most of the time I knew she would be home or awake. By doing so, I could avoid any probing questions or feeling like I needed to lie about my life and relationships.
     I also withdrew from lifelong friends. This hurts me to think on as well, because they were people that sought to lead me to a better place, and I knew it. But by avoiding them, I felt I wasn't being put in a position to feel like I needed to lie to cover up the reality of my life. They would send me texts for requests to get together, and I avoided returning them most of the time. I was ducking out on the people I had cared the most about in life, because I didn't know what I wanted to do, and didn't want to hear what I knew they would tell me. 
     Some nights I would lie awake at night and feel so convicted of my behavior, and others I would immediately crash from the exhaustion of worrying about all of it. But God never stopped speaking to me, and He kept pursuing me. I could run from friends and family, but there is only so long He will let us run from Him. Any time we allow ourselves to withdraw from God, we are in trouble. His faithfulness to us will never allow it to be the other way around. So many times I knew He had every right to turn His back on me, and Satan tried to remind me of that lie. But it is against His character, and opposes a love for me that I don't deserve or understand. 
     If you are on my side of infidelity, you can likely relate to the feelings of guilt and withdrawal, and if you're on the other side, I hope it gives you a window into the ways Satan uses our sin to manipulate our thought pattern. He finds a way to use it so we feel unable to make things right, and continue in our destructive ways. I am so thankful to a God, and a woman that never stopped believing in the Spirit's ability to change me, and for faithful love towards an unfaithful man. 

Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7 ESV
But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. James 1:14 ESV
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 ESV
For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for Your faithful pursuit of me. No matter how much I withdrew from You or my loved ones, You never withdrew from me. In the quiet of the night, I could hear You calling out to me. In the chaos of the day, I heard Your whispers. Thank You, Lord for Your undeserved faithfulness to sinful me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

This Old Man

     This past summer, I was driving home from Home Goods (one of my very favorite places to spend an hour or two), and I ended up crying the whole way home. It was a rainy, dreary day, and my heart was still pretty sore. I didn't cry over a song, I didn't cry because someone said something to me, I cried over an old man. 
     There is an intersection in a nearby city, with a grocery store. This intersection is pretty busy around lunch time. As I was sitting at a stoplight, I see an old man, umbrella in hand, a bunch of fresh flowers and a grocery bag in the other, making his way across the street. He doesn't look grumpy about the rain, in fact, he has a smile on his face. I watch him cross the intersection and start walking along the side of the road. The next neighborhood is probably a quarter mile up the road, and he starts along his way. The rain didn't hold him back, the distance didn't hold him back, and his age didn't either. Wow! Some sweet old lady is going to witness his love for her shortly. I was happy for that lady, whoever she was.
     I wanted that kind of love, too. The kind that doesn't have obstacles in the way. The kind that goes out of its way, to reveal itself in big ways, yes, but also little ways. It's easy to show our love like this when love is new. But when we get used to one another, often we forget to love carelessly- no limits or barriers. Along the way in marriages, we often allow life to create barriers that stand in the way of showing our love- don't! Don't let things take precedence over simple displays of affection. Be that old man, carrying home a bouquet in the rain. Don't let rain hold you back, or anything else. Just show your love faithfully, thoughtfully, and selflessly. 
     This is how God loves us. Nothing prohibits His love. Our behavior doesn't, and I'm so thankful for that. He doesn't get used to us after a while, and change His mind about us. He consistently, patiently, and faithfully showers His love on us. His is the only perfect love there is, and He perfectly loves me. And I remind myself of this on my drive home, and my tears of sadness, turn to happy tears. Because no matter who else loves me, or fails to love me, He always loves me exactly the same. Thank You, Lord for Your perfect, faithful love!

For God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 ESV
So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 1 John 4:16 ESV
The LORD appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. Jeremiah 31:3 ESV
Give thanks to the God of heaven, for his steadfast love endures forever. Psalm 136:26 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, people will let us down, and hurt our hearts. We often forget how to love one another the way You have called us to love. Help me, when my heart is hurting, to remember Your perfect love for me. It is never conditional or performance based, and I am so thankful for that. Help me to return Your love, even though my love is imperfect. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Different

     I am one that finds change unsettling. I like familiar. I don't find bumps in the road exciting, most of the time. I like my routines- not that I don't like vacations from routine, but there is comfort in doing the same things. Familiar feels safe and soothing, while unexpected jolts can be frightening and worrisome. 
     While I know there are never guarantees for tomorrow, I still have dreams of my future. I think it's normal and healthy to prepare for what is ahead, and when I see myself years down the road, I had a vision. I saw my husband and I celebrating the weddings of our children, hand in hand. I could see grandbabies, and the joy they would bring us. I envisioned trips to Grandma and Grandpa's house, and all the spoiling we would do, together. I saw bucket list trips we would enjoy in our later years, when the kids were gone, and it was quieter around here. I saw years of caring for one another, and serving our Lord together. But I never imagined this wouldn't be so- by choice.
     I understand that my future vision could change from an accident or illness. But what I didn't see, was that it could be altered from a failure to commit. I never looked into my golden years, seeing all of this unfold as separate entities- my life, and his life. And yet, when an affair presented itself, I was no longer certain of what could be. I envisioned all of those future events with tension. How would we act towards one another? How would we learn to have a new relationship, outside of marriage? These were not things I enjoyed thinking of, and prayed that somehow, God will enable me to have the strength to live whatever He had for me, faithfully. 
     Life often presents us with "different", doesn't it? We are going along our merry way, and BAM- we get hit with unexpected twists and turns we weren't anticipating. Some changes are good, and exciting, and others bring us heartache and pain. I find such comfort in the faithfulness of God. He is with me today, and whatever tomorrow presents, He will be there as well. While we can't know exactly what our future holds, we can know He will meet us there. Life isn't predictable. But I am ever grateful for a God who is unchanging! So as I look ahead at my future, I can release the tension I feel at the unknown, and trust that He will lovingly care for all that is ahead for me!

But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15 ESV
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV
Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds. Psalm 36:5 ESV
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, while I can feel afraid at times, at what lies ahead, help me to remember that You will meet me there. I never have to fear that You will leave me, or let me down. No matter what comes my way, You are faithfully with me- loving, guarding, guiding and protecting. Thank You for your faithfulness to me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Limbo- A Season of Waiting

     I am not one known for patience. I can be patient with people, but when it comes to life, I don't like to wait. If I decide to paint a bedroom on a whim, chances are the walls will be that color within 48 hours time. That's just me. If I have a spectacular gift for someone, I could be persuaded to give it early, because the anticipation kills me. So when I was called to wait on an ultimate answer for which direction my marriage would take, I was restless and impatient. I like quick fixes, not long periods of limbo. 
     I begged God for a quick fix. I wanted immediate answers. But quick fixes and immediate answers do not build trust in God. There are lessons in the season of limbo that we don't want to miss. As much as I wanted release from this season of pain, God wanted to change my heart and build up my faith in Him. As humans, we don't like painful seasons, but what can come out of them is beautiful. 
     In the time since my husband first left, there have been good days and bad days. We have drawn closer at times, and then torn apart again. Some days I believed we would reconcile, and others I wondered if it would end with a day in a lawyer's office, signing papers. My mind was in turmoil, and I grappled with gaining some sort of control over the situation. But God had other plans for me, and wanted to remind me Who is in control, and Who is best in control. 
     What I learned is that limbo is an opportunity. A quick release from my situation would have never grown my faith in God. I would have learned that life can right itself, and move on without really knowing Him. If you have never lived in a painful season of limbo, then you unfortunately don't know God in the same way. That's not to lessen your relationship with Him, but painful seasons draw us to His strength, comfort, hope, and voice, in a whole new way. 
     It's hard to not know our future regarding our marriages, but in reality, our future isn't known to us anyways. What can seem secure and permanent, can be removed in a moment. No matter what your situation is, God wants us to trust Him. If it's scary, and dark, and uncertain- trust Him. If it's bright, and promising, and optimistic- trust Him. Our circumstances don't define God's trustworthiness. Our marriages don't change His faithfulness. What we can know, and where we can find security, is in Him alone. If we are putting our faith and trust in anything or anyone else, we will experience disappointment. When we trust God in those low places, we will find the strength and courage to rise from them, knowing He is changing our character for His good purposes. So, if you're waiting, wait with patience- His will for you will be the very best, and worth waiting for!

The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. Lamentations 3:25 ESV
Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD! Psalm 27:14 ESV
But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 ESV
Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. Psalm 33:20 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to learn to trust You in all situations. It can be so hard to wait for answers, and yet You can use waiting to build my faith. While we don't know what tomorrow holds, we do know You are faithfully there. May I seek to follow Your will for my life, knowing any other way will lead to disappointment and pain. I thank You for being in my todays, and my tomorrows. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!