I Wasn't Ready Yet

 I received a message through my Instagram account the other day, and something in it really struck a chord with me: "I wasn't ready, yet", she said. I've said it, and maybe you have too. How many things do we not feel ready for? I know for me, the list would be pretty extensive. In this particular case, she wasn't ready for words of hope—because sometimes, we feel the need to flounder in our grief and pain as we grapple with reality. We wrestle with our shocking feelings surrounding painful circumstances, and need to spend some time there.

I can relate. I have my own lapse between discovery and the quest for healing. Or maybe that lapse is really just the very beginning of the process that leads us to healing. When we receive shocking news—whether betrayal in our marriage, the death of a loved one, a serious diagnosis, or some other painful discovery, our initial response is not usually acceptance—that comes later in the grieving/healing process.

It helps to know this is a natural response for most humans. It doesn't make me a bad person or a bad Christian if I spend a little time between discovery and acceptance. It doesn't mean I don't believe God is good—but it does mean my faith in His goodness is being called to the test, even as He patiently waits for me to learn to trust Him with this hard news.

The truth is, when I hear something especially difficult, I like to nurse that pain for a while. Whether it's minutes or days, those feelings match the bad news. I need time to properly grieve those hurts and disappointments before I feel ready to move on and move forward—maybe you need this space too. But even in those days of nursing my wounds and floundering in my feelings, I'm still so deeply touched with His tender presence—giving comfort until I'm ready. 

I lost a dear friend this week, and I wasn't ready to hear she had passed away. I had hoped for healing—healing that would place her back in this world—healthy and whole and pouring herself back into her family and friends once again. We prayed and we believed, yet God took her home. I feel pain over our temporary parting—space is needed until acceptance comes. God knows. He understands our need for this time, yet it won't stop Him from planting precious truths into our hurting hearts. This is the soil needed for future acceptance—knowing He deeply cares for our hurts and pains.

Maybe you're somewhere between hard news and acceptance. Maybe you're wrestling with the darkness of those painful feelings—the deepness of grief. Maybe you don't even want to think of God, and are pressing against His longing to comfort you. If He is in control, then He could have allowed a different outcome—different news than what you're facing. Does He care for your hurt and pain, and does He understand the feelings we face as we grieve? He does, friends, He does.

We need days where we wallow in the bad news and we ask God, "why?" And while it's a natural part of the process of grieving, let us not stay stuck there. The truth is, bad news will come to us all at some point in our lives—and it seems more and more often as we age. Sin has broken this world, and it's broken us, too. That's why we desperately need Jesus—the God of all comfort. 

Maybe today you don't feel ready to accept whatever it is you're facing. Maybe you just want to nurse your pain another day. Maybe you aren't ready yet—ready to move forward. To accept. To heal. To trust God with your broken heart. Maybe today, hope doesn't feel possible. But tomorrow is a new day. Pray about your heart. Know that Jesus cares so very deeply for you. His ways are best, even when they hurt. 

We don't always need to know why, but eventually we must accept the present reality. We must remember God's faithful love, and that He works all things for good–even when it doesn't feel good. One day, you'll be ready, and one day you'll look back and see how far He's brought you. Don't spend too much time wallowing and nursing your pain—you have big things He has planned for you—things you don't want to miss. You aren't alone in this—He is always with us. So today in that space between hard news and acceptance, may you feel His love beckoning you to trust Him. May you learn to lean into His tender, strong arms and carry you through. He is our Good, Good Father—every single moment of every single day.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God (2 Corinthians 1:3-4, ESV). 

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3, ESV). 

The Lowest Places

 It was a cold and sunny winter day. I was on the way home from rehab for my "runner's hip"- even though I've never been a runner. But Zumba creates stress on the hip flexors, and I had just left my appointment headed for home. My heart was so sick with the reality of my marriage, and the realization that my husband was gone. It was new, and it was so unwelcome- this intrusion in my peaceful and safe life. I had no idea how to process this reality and in my despair, I swerved over to a vacant lot and literally fell apart. I stayed there for some time-I have no idea how long, just until my tears and yelling were spent. It was one of the lowest places of my life, and I look back at that moment with assorted feelings. One-life can be really painful, and two, in those low places, we are not alone.

I think of the life of Job in the Old Testament. He lost his health, wealth, his livestock and all of his children. How can you handle that sort of loss? It's a staggering thought, and so difficult to truly enter into his suffering. His friends were not the kind to bring hugs and prayers and homemade meals. Instead, they pointed out reasons why they believed he was being punished. His wife urged him to curse God, rather than offer encouragement, support and care. This "low" goes beyond the scope of my imagination. One of the most remarkable men to have lived, he refuses to curse God and throw in the towel. In contrast, he recognized God as his only Source of hope. If he could've seen down the road, he would've seen himself healthy, wealthier and enjoying a full household of children and grandchildren. Yet in his lowest place, he simply had to trust that God had a plan in his suffering.

My lowest place in no way compares to Job's, yet it was my lowest place. It was a time when I had to choose to either be angry at God and turn bitter, or believe that He had a good purpose that would spring from this painful situation. It didn't happen overnight, but I had known God long enough to know He isn't cruel and He doesn't allow us to suffer without purpose. I also physically felt Him with me through each painful moment of that season. Lowest places are terribly unpleasant, yet necessary for our spiritual growth. They show His faithfulness in ways we don't see in our better days, because we often forget His goodness when we aren't as aware of our need of Him.                                           

I bet you can go back to your own low place in life. A time when your heart was devastated and your dreams were shattered in a million pieces. Your low place may be a lot worse than mine-yet if you know Jesus, you know you were not left to handle it alone, either. Life is hard, but life with Jesus gives us hope and help in those lowest places. When you stop to think of someone in a "low" place, you realize they need rescued. They need help getting back up again. While Jesus is the biggest Resurrector of our low places, we also need the love and encouragement of friends and loved ones.

If someone comes to mind today that is sunken in their own place of despair and pain, God wants you to move in and reach out your hand to help them recover. It may be that meal, a hug, a listening ear, a check, or your prayers. Especially if that person is walking a similar trial to your own past experience, you have a unique ability to understand, encourage and lend support. God is doing good things through my own painful past-a blessing I couldn't have seen when I was in the thick of it. While it wasn't something I would have chosen for myself, God allowed it to happen because He can see past the painful event and straight to the purpose that would grow from it. What good have you seen spring forth from your past hurts? Are you allowing God to use it for His purposes, or holding on to bitterness and nonacceptance? The truth is, if we are called to walk through low places, why not allow God to redeem them? One day, the pain will be past, but what we did through it will last forever.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us (Romans 8:18, ESV).

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ (Galatians 6:2, ESV).

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28, ESV).

And call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me (Psalm 50:15, ESV)."

Dear heavenly Father, help us truly depend on You to bring us through our lowest places, and remove the foolish notion that we can do it on our own. Help us as well to see the needs of others, and to bear their burdens, fulfilling one of our purposes as the body of Christ. In Your name we pray, Amen!

I Love You More, Blue Pooh

     I don't have many relics saved from my childhood. I'm not a hoarder of things, and often like to purge and clean out my drawers and cabinets. In the span of fifty years, plenty has been thrown away- but not my Winnie-the-Pooh. I'll never forget a childhood trip to Disney World. In the eyes of a little girl, is there any place more magical? We rode rides, ate lots of food, waited in lines, and watched parades. And while it wasn't as commercialized then as it is today, it still held a pretty big thrill in the heart of my little girl world. I took away memories that would follow me through life, but I also took away a little Winnie-the-Pooh stuffed animal as a souvenir to remember my trip. 
     It was a typical hot Florida day and on the way home from the park we stopped for dinner. As much as I wished to take Pooh inside with me, my parents told me he had to stay in our van. And so I tucked him in the floorboard of the van, and headed in for dinner. When I came back to the van later, I scooped him up, only to see that one of my blue crayons had melted all over his leg and lower body. My eyes filled with tears, and there was no way I could return him to a pre-blue state. He was stained forever. 
     Maybe it's the fact that I always seem to root for the underdog. Maybe it's the fact that my heart hurts for the hurting. Maybe it's because I feel sadness for the outcast. Or maybe, I loved that Pooh extra, because I saw myself in him.  I connected with him, because I often felt unpopular and insecure, as a small child. No stuffed animal ever rivaled the love I had for that blue-stained bear. His flaws made him more special to me. He was always placed closest to me in bed, and always came along for adventures. In him, I could see the broken loved and accepted. That blue stain didn't disqualify him from my love- it made me love him more.
     Maybe that Pooh was preparing me for loving broken people, I'm not really sure. But maybe he also showed me a little picture of how God loves us. Stained. Broken. Messy. Different. Yet all of those things are the very reason we desperately need Jesus. Because in the heart of every human being is the intense craving to feel wanted, accepted and loved. People can only fulfill that craving to a degree, but only God can fill it perfectly. I'm just like that blue-stained Pooh, looking for love and acceptance, and only through the blood of Jesus do my stains wash away. And only through the cross can I be made clean again. Through His great gift of salvation, I can be accepted into God's family- secure in His love, and free from the sin that once stained me. 
     What blue stains do you carry around? Is it abuse? Betrayal? Are you dirty with sexual sin? Do you carry around guilt from your past? Whatever your "blue" is, it doesn't have to stay with you. You can be free. Not only unbelievers are carrying around stains- we often do, too. One of the most beautiful things in life is to see the broken made whole through the blood of Jesus. I'll forever be grateful for His love that removed my sin stains, and gave me exactly what I needed - His perfect love. If there's something you carry around with you still- something that eats at your soul, take it to the Cross. Jesus has great compassion for the hurting and the broken. And like I loved that crazy, blue Pooh, He loves us infinitely more. My little bear was stained forever, but thank God our sins can be forever wiped clean!

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10 (ESV)
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 1 John 1:7 (ESV)
Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God. 2 Corinthians 7:1 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for washing away our stains and giving us freedom from the guilt of our sins. No one loves us like You- and in Your love, we find acceptance, joy, hope, peace and life. Thank You, Father, for loving us and for offering Your Son as a way to make us clean and whole. In Your name we pray, Amen!

The Power of Kindness

She felt defeated- bruised, and down on herself. From being the kid that never did anything that pleased her parents, to feeling like a failure as a wife, her self-esteem was at an all-time low. She found respite in food and tacked on unwanted pounds. This only made her feel worse about herself in the end, even though food gave her short-lived comfort. It didn't matter that she was an excellent mom. It didn't matter that she had a high I.Q. Inside, she was hurting and desperately insecure. Her husband didn't help with his negativity and absence of compliments. Was she seen? Did anyone appreciate her? 

When this woman met Jesus through the pages of a self-help book, she clung to Him with a desperation she never experienced before. He promised her love without conditions. He said she was beautiful—a masterpiece of His making. He told her she had purpose—words she longed to hear. A purpose bigger than mopping the floors and washing clothes. And He taught her about fellowship, friendship, and worship. In time, she found a place that followed Jesus and biblical doctrine. She met people that instantly showed her love and acceptance. She began to flourish under their love, attention, and care. 

It started with God, yes, but it also started with appreciation from others. "Thank you for being so helpful", some would say. "You look beautiful today!" "You are such a blessing to our group, and we are so thankful to have you with us here." Little sentences that took minimal effort, yet they were building up a broken woman. This story is fictional, and in no way represents my own story. However, we all need to be mindful of those who need a word of encouragement. We often won't know the power our words of love will have in someone's life. Don't be stingy with building people up. If you think kind thoughts, just say them!
     

Having dealt with infidelity, I see, and experienced, how security is stripped away as a result of betrayal. I cannot tell you how healing it was to hear kind words from others, and how it bandaged hurtful thoughts placed in my head by none other than Satan. We see it said on social media often: "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about." This is such a true statement, and one we need to not only "like", but put into practice. We are given an opportunity countless times a day, to encourage someone. Say the good things you think. Give a hug. Speak to those who visit your place of worship, and make them feel special. Let people know they matter. And in doing so, we are being like Jesus- loving and living to bring joy, peace, and healing to others. So in case you wondered, and need to hear this today- you are treasured. You are beautiful. You are so loved. Never forget that, my friend.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 ESV
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 ESV
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14 ESV
Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. Psalm 63:3 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to really see others with eyes like Yours. Help us to build up one another, and show kindness and appreciation to everyone we meet. Thank You Father, for loving us despite our many failures and shortcomings, and for always making us feel welcome in Your presence. In Your precious name we pray, Amen!

Grief Associated with a Broken Marriage

     People associate grief with death, but when it comes to a broken marriage, you will likely experience grief. Grief can occur with any emotional parting with someone or something we genuinely care about. When my husband walked out of the door the second time, I truly felt fresh grief as I was faced with what I felt was the end of our marriage. 
     There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. At some point since I initially discovered infidelity in our marriage, I went through all five stages. But I experienced all of the first 4 before he left the second time, and when he left in December of 2018, I felt the final stage of acceptance. We had gone through so much working towards resolution and reconciliation. I didn't believe there was anything further I could do to save our marriage. I had prayed a thousand prayers, cried a river of tears, begged and pleaded before my Heavenly Father, and still- he left. I didn't have any more fight left in me.
     The best thing about God is that when we can't fight anymore, He can! In fact, when we give up our own struggling for what we want, He does His best work without any interference by us. And so while I had felt all of these painful feelings of grief, He was about to get to serious business with the fate of my marriage. While I laid down my will and simply let go, He stepped in and began some pretty amazing things- things I couldn't see over the next week. The week ahead would be painful, but I tried to focus on bringing in the New Year enjoying the company of our kids, and doing some fun things to celebrate. 
     Have you felt grief in your life? Most of us have experienced it with the death of a loved one, but have you felt it in other areas, excluding physical death? It's interesting how our brain experiences grief in the trauma of a marital crisis, but it makes sense. God says when we are joined in marriage, "two become one flesh" (Mark 10:8). When the one flesh is torn in two again, there is a form of death- marital death. This is a painful event that causes us to experience grief, especially as the betrayed spouse. Scripture promises us that God is a God of comfort and help. He won't leave us throughout our grieving process, and will seek to strengthen and help us navigate through until we come out of the other side. And even then, He is with us in the "new" that awaits. 

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 ESV
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4 ESV
My flesh and my heart may fail. but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26 ESV
"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. John 14:1 ESV
For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I am the one who helps you." Isaiah 41:13 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for walking beside me through my grief. You've felt it, and You know how difficult the emotions are. I pray for any currently facing grief, that You would draw close, give comfort, and in time- acceptance. Thank You for bringing me through the fire, and for faithfully walking through it by my side. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!