"Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then
wait to hear the answer." - Ed Cunningham
I had just lost a pregnancy I desperately longed for since I was a little girl, it seemed. A sonogram revealed something I never imagined- my baby had died in the womb. A "blighted ovum" they called it, something that was fairly common, but didn't feel common to me. Tears came until there were none left. I was heartbroken, tired and out of words. All of the anticipation of being a mom ended with a D & C, removing the remains of my precious first child. So many people loved me, and I knew that. But I'll never forget the friend that came to sit with me- not to say anything, because no amount of words could fix my sadness. She came to sit with me, just offering her presence. She mourned across the couch, and I felt better because I knew she was there. She was a friend to me in my time of need, and I was so thankful for her.
Then there was that awful period after my marriage fell apart. My home was similar to one that had just lost a family member, and in a sense, that's exactly what had happened. People brought food. People came to sit with me. People came to pray with me. These precious friends cried with me, too- feeling my grief alongside me. They came to hang out and help me feel supported and less lonely. They sent flowers and cards, and texted to check on me. They helped to fill a huge void in my life- the missing companionship of my husband. These people gave me life when my heart felt dead. They made me smile and laugh and gave me light when I felt surrounded by darkness. Because that's what friends do, right?
Friends are something we all need. They enrich our lives and throw us a lifeline when life gets rough and we feel like we're drowning in sorrow and fear. Our all-knowing, wonderful God created the whole concept of friendship for a reason- because He knew how much we needed them. Women generally do better with establishing friendships than men, yet men are no less in need of true friends. Friends are a huge source of support throughout our lives, offering love, advice, help and encouragement. Friends are a network of accountability as well, giving us a sounding board and perspective. They tell us when we need to straighten up- not afraid of ruffling our feathers.
Life's problems seem a little more bearable with the support of our friends. We feel more capable in hard times, because they help us carry the load. We share our burdens with our closest friends, not worried they will ostracize us or turn their backs on us. We can be vulnerable with them, because we know they care for us and want what's best for us. Men- you need people like this in your life, and you need to learn to be a friend to other men that need you. When you have friends, they will be there for you when you fall. They will encourage you to get back up again. Women- if you struggle with friendships, you also need them. You can try to handle life's problems alone, but why would you want to? As Christians, we enjoy a friend relationship with our heavenly Father, but we also need a godly network of people in our lives that will be there for us in good times and bad times. If you find yourself in a crisis, these people will be there for you. I will always be thankful for my friend group, and for how they carried me through my most painful seasons. If you're one of them, know you will always have a special place in my heart. And if you ever need a friend, I am here for you. Let's not be too proud to share our burdens and allow others to help us when our burdens are simply too heavy for us to carry ourselves. Thank God for the gift of friendship, and how He gives abundantly when we simply ask for a friend.
PS... My husband that I wrote about in this post? Today, he's my closest friend. I'll never get over how amazing God is, and how He really does give abundantly more!
Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel. Proverbs 27:9 (ESV)
A friend loves at all times, ... Proverbs 17:17a (ESV)
Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another, Proverbs 27:17 (ESV)
Dear heavenly Father, we thank You for the gift of friendship. Thank You for those You have placed in our lives, sharing the burdens and joys we experience. Help us, in turn, to be a good friend to others. And Father, we thank You for being our greatest Friend. In Your name we pray, Amen!
I love the book of Genesis. I've been doing my morning reading from the Genesis series in She Reads Truth. I have a wonderful accountability partner, my sweet sister-in-law, who also loves studying this book. It's like a novel you can't put down, rich in popcorn worthy stories-yet all historical accounts of real people in real situations. Betrayal, destruction, death, infertility, polygamy, fresh starts, adultery, illness, reconciliation, and so much more, fill the pages of this action-packed book. I can read it over and over again, only to be amazed that I missed something each time I delve in again. That was the case with Leah.
I've written a blog post about Leah before, but today's post is something that stood out to me just recently in my reading. It actually hurts my heart to think of life as Leah. The story takes place at the beginning of Genesis 33. Jacob is off to meet his estranged brother, nervous that Esau will take revenge on him for stealing his birthright and blessing. He is on his way from leaving his father-in-law, Laban, toward Canaan where he would settle with his own family. In preparation for meeting up with Esau, expecting that there could be trouble, he divides his family into groups. He placed his servants with their children in the front, just behind him. Leah and her children were placed in the middle, and Rachel and Joseph in the rear. The most vulnerable to attack were the servants, followed by Leah and her sons, while most protection was given to Rachel and Joseph in the back.
Leah was a regular woman. She wasn't void of the emotions we all experience today. And honestly, I can't imagine what she must've felt being placed in front of her sister and nephew. Vulnerable. Angry. Jealous. Unwanted. Loved less. Second fiddle. All of these feelings are ones that are painful and angering, yet they were a reality of her life. It wasn't a life she chose for herself, but one her father orchestrated by deceiving Jacob. She was given to Jacob unknown to him, in the place of her sister, Rachel, whom Jacob loved. He didn't love Leah, yet she had no choice but to live as the unchosen wife. By giving Leah to Jacob, Laban opened both of his daughters up to a life of jealous rivalry, discord and anger.
Have you ever felt passed over? Overlooked? Second best? I think we all have at some point. Maybe you didn't get the job you applied for. Maybe your spouse left you for someone else. Maybe you didn't make the team. These types of things cause hurt feelings and even anger and bitterness. People will hurt us because they are people, but God won't. We never have to worry about being out of His protection. We are always Rachel- never Leah. It doesn't take the sting out of rejection, but it helps to know rejection is temporary. We can remind ourselves of how we are chosen by God. We are blessed and held in His loving hands. He will never thrust us forth into enemy territory- only Satan does that.
I think it's a beautiful thing that God chose Leah to be the line the Messiah would come through. While she maybe didn't know the story of her people, and how God would send His Son through future generations, she was shown favor in being the mother of many sons. I hope she felt comfort from her boys, but I know she eventually pinned her hopes that her sons would give her Jacob's love, to hope that God was with her. That was enough. And it's enough for me, too. Anything I am given isn't about gaining favor from mere humans, it's about giving glory to God for His mercy and grace toward me.
Being Leah must've been hard. And sometimes, being Ruth is hard too. But when I stop looking around me to see where I measure up, I'll find that all along I've been so loved. I've been chosen. I'll never, ever be overlooked or turned away. And while it's true that people will sometimes hurt us, we can draw comfort in knowing that God won't. Instead of leaving me in the front, exposed to the enemy, He swoops down and covers me with the safety of His wings. I don't have to be second best. And sometimes, that truth breathes life back into our sorrowing souls.
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me. Psalm 138:7 (ESV)
You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah Psalm 32:7 (ESV)
So we can confidently say, "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?" Hebrews 13:6 (ESV)
The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen. 2 Timothy 4:18 (ESV)
Dear heavenly Father, thank You for seeing us as Rachel, and not Leah. You don't love anyone more than me, and you don't love anyone less. You are righteous and good and our Protector and Friend. You promise to walk through trouble with us-never leaving us alone. We are so grateful for Your loving hand of protection. In Your name, we pray Jesus, Amen!
It feels pretty awful to feel vulnerable when it comes to your own spouse. It's a byproduct of not being able to trust them and feeling at risk. Things I had never considered before were now a reality for me. All of the years that I explicitly trusted him were now a thing of the past. New things went through my mind that i had never thought of before.
I've always been an open book with my husband (and most other people as well). I never had anything to hide or feel like it should be tucked away. I changed my laptop passwords and my cell phone password frequently. Because I sought advice from others, and wrote about my feelings in journal posts on my laptop, I felt a need to protect those words from my husband coming across them. I had notes written with monthly budget amounts in case I faced an attorney someday over a request for a divorce. All of these I wanted to hide from any curious eyes.
It also causes vulnerability to feel that you have no clue about what decisions are floating around in their mind. They may be using time for financial planning that protects them, and pulls the rug out from under you. In my situation, he was the sole provider, and I was at the mercy of what would happen if our marriage ended. And while you have attorney's advice on what can be done to protect yourself, it still feels awful to not know what steps they are taking on their end.
These are feelings that shouldn't exist inside of a God-centered marriage, and yet they were my daily reality for quite a long time. If you know these feelings, you understand the insecurity they cause, and how it can be frustrating and angering to experience them. But no matter what my marriage situation was, I had to remind myself that my future didn't sit on my husband's shoulders, but rather in the mighty hands of my Heavenly Father. He would protect me, no matter what I faced- He would provide for me because He is always faithful. I never have to worry about myself when I'm under His wings, and I can't outrun His hand of protection and provision. It was those thoughts that kept me grounded and sane when fear crept in, and made me feel vulnerable and uncertain. There was always the knowledge of God's care over me, and He spoke it to my bruised and wounded spirit. No matter what you face, friend, if you belong to Him, there is no reason to fear. There is no situation too big for Him, and He reminds us through His Word that nothing is too hard for Him.
"But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who hate you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. Luke 6:27-31 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for always protecting me and looking out for my own good. It is scary and unsettling to feel vulnerable in a bad way, and I'm so thankful You are with me in those times as well. Help any others who are facing those feelings today, and remind them of Your steadfast love and care. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
I think of Jesus in a passage found in Mark 4, on a ship with His disciples. There was a terrible storm that blew up while they were out on the water and the winds howled and the waves splashed so high, the water was flooding the ship. The disciples were terrified and feverishly trying to fight against capsizing or drowning. Jesus was on the ship with them, but instead of being worried and uptight, He was sleeping. The disciples finally came to Him with frustration asking how He can sleep when they were in this situation. Jesus calmly awakes and rebukes the waves and wind and the storm immediately vanishes, leaving only peace and calm. The disciples are astonished at His ability to control even the winds and the waves.
I faced a storm in my marriage. The storm of infidelity was ugly and terrifying. I was like the disciples, feverishly trying to find a way to simply survive and escape the awful effects of it. My winds and waves came in the form of rejection, betrayal, insecurity, shock and pain. These feelings crashed against my spirit, wounding me and leaving me afraid and vulnerable. And yet Jesus was not afraid, nor was He vulnerable, and He was with me in that storm. He was a calming presence, assuring me that the winds and waves wouldn't have the ultimate victory. He was strong and powerful, able to conquer my storm, though He chose not to for longer than I desired.
Jesus is always in control in every situation, so He never needs to worry about outcomes. He knows what will happen, and He won't ever be taken by surprise. If I could have peeked a year or two into the future, I may have gotten my answer and not felt the need to be as insecure or worried. But God doesn't want me to go through a storm without learning some valuable lessons. And so I kept fighting against those winds and waves until I finally realized that the storm wasn't mine to fight. I was exhausted from the burden of fighting the storm and simply allowed God to take my burden and trusted Him to fight it for me. And just like we read in Mark 4, my Heavenly Father brought peace- not peace because the storm was no longer there, but peace in allowing the One Who is able, to fight it for me!
And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you no faith?" And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, "Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?" Mark 4:37-41 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for staying with me through the storms I encounter in my life, and for conquering them when I give up my will for Yours. Help me to learn the lessons from the storm, and come out on the other side with renewed faith and strength in Your power and ability. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
