The Pull

 This week I was struck with how easily our flesh is drawn to the temporary pleasures the world has to offer. I felt sick and tired of the pull—the constant lure toward sin. How often I exchange a few moments of fun for something of real value. Something that could have a positive impact on my eternal reward. In almost 40 years of following Christ, I've never yet outgrown the desire for earthly pleasures and the lust of the flesh, and I suspect that won't change until I leave here, taking my final breath when I'll finally be set free.

But I'm not there yet, so I pray that God will touch my heart for His Presence and that I'll stop short-selling Jesus for lesser things. Somedays, I feel disgusted with my wasted days and months and seasons. I wish every moment had been in surrender to His will for me. But in reality, when compared to the length of time I've spent here, the moments of surrender have been few. I feel sin-sick and too often drawn to the things I shouldn't be drawn to.

I've been enjoying a new Gaither Vocal Band song this week titled 'Out of Bondage'. Here are a few lines from the song:

Out of bondage, into freedom

From the chains that held me fast,

Out of bondage, into freedom

From my prison free at last.

While this song is written about our freedom from our past and the sin that stood between us and God, I love to think of this in another way: the day my heart will forever be free from the pull toward this world and its shallow offerings. The day my chains will be forever loosed from my body—set free in my eternal home.

It's not that I don't love my life, and appreciate the blessings God has given me in so many areas. I love my husband and kids and family and friends. I love my church family, my dogs and my home. It's not that I long for death. But friends, some days I just feel weary of the brokenness here. The pain of wrong choices. The corruption of leaders. The indulgence in sin. The perversion of sex. The profane and idle chatter. The jealousy. The betrayal and lies. It's all so ugly and so heavy, and yet God stands with His arms wide open, beckoning me to fall into them and find peace and joy I could never find here. 

And so I run to Him, asking Him to forgive me—forgive us for this filth in our hearts. I hurt for Him as He looks on and sees it all—every single sin that cost Him His precious, only Son. And I wonder how we so easily forget. How can we be so callous? Why are we so drawn to things that hurt our Savior? I want to hunger for Him above all other persons or things. But I'll feel this away again more times than I care to admit. I'll feel pulled away from Him for something temporary. Something shallow. I'll waste more days and more opportunity. But today, I don't want to. I want my life to be spiritually rich and abundantly valuable in His eyes. 

"God, touch our hearts for You. May we hunger for You each day, weighing up our choices for where we pour our hearts. Help us to remember the tremendous cost of our sin, and may we truly have a desire to live a surrendered life. Forgive us for our constant desire for worldly offerings. And until the day I'm finally set free from the pull, hold me fast in Your loving arms."

Training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age (Titus 2:12, ESV),

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh (Galatians 5:16, ESV).

Forgiving Me

     It's a little weird how we are wired, isn't it? I set different standards for myself than I do for others, and I bet you do too! I've forgiven others for a long list of hurts against me. I've forgiven lies, physical assaults, hurtful words, betrayal, theft, and adultery. When I say I have forgiven those things, I really mean it- it isn't forgiveness if I'm keeping track and holding on to a grudge over it. But when it comes to my own hurtful words or actions, they plague my mind for a very long time. Why does it sometimes feel easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves? I have figured out the answer for me, but first let's look at a story from about 8 years ago.
     Most days, I would say I'm a pretty decent mom. I passionately love my kids. They were a true gift after a battle with infertility, and I feel blessed to be their mom in many ways. But teenagers can get to the best of us- especially smart-mouthed teenagers. One day, my son had pushed about every button he knew to push with me. While I am a firm believer in proper spankings, I have never crossed the line. But this particular day, I punched my son in the arm. To be honest, I doubt that it really hurt him physically, but I knew it was inappropriate and uncharacteristic to my usual parenting style. Did I apologize? I most certainly did. Did he forgive me? Absolutely. Did I forgive myself? Well- that took some time, for sure. 
     Inside the best Christian, is the same human rot that plagues each one of us- sin! I'm no less prone to it than the next person. I am going to mess up. I am going to make mistakes. I am going to hurt people with my words and actions because even though I am a Christian- I'm still battling my flesh. But what I've discovered is something that further exposes my weaknesses. When I struggle to forgive myself, it's because my pride hurts that I'm less than perfect. I may expect weakness and failure in others, but am shocked when it springs forth from my own behavior. 
     When I have sinned, there are three parties needing an apology from me. The one(s) I hurt, God, and myself. In turn, each should forgive a sincere apology. We know God will, we hope they will, and it's in our own power to truly forgive ourselves. While we may not apologize formally to ourselves, we can set ourselves free from the guilt of the offense, knowing we are forgiven (provided we apologized). People often ask us about forgiveness regarding our own journey through infidelity. We both will tell others that it is often more difficult to forgive ourselves, than it is to forgive our spouse. Forgiving behavior, choices, and words that divided us, is tough- but accepting forgiveness for our own wrongdoings is a choice we must make in order to move forward in a healthy way. Learning to forgive- even ourselves- is a pattern we learn by the way our Heavenly Father forgives us. True forgiveness sets us free- and that needs to start with me! Whatever you've done, it's never too late to make it right. Apologize, then let it go. God has given us freedom in releasing our sin, knowing His blood covers it all! Release yourself today from the guilt of the past, knowing He covered it all. Today is a new day- let's go forward with a clean conscience and a fresh perspective!

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 ESV
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1 ESV
I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD," and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah Psalm 32:5 ESV
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, Romans 3:23 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to truly let go of the sins of my past. Help me to set myself free from the chains of guilt regarding past choices, actions, and words that hurt You, and others. Help me to be forgiving in nature to others that hurt me, but also to myself. Thank You for shedding Your precious blood that covered each one of my sins, setting me free from Your righteous judgment! In Your precious name I pray, Amen!