The Pull

 This week I was struck with how easily our flesh is drawn to the temporary pleasures the world has to offer. I felt sick and tired of the pull—the constant lure toward sin. How often I exchange a few moments of fun for something of real value. Something that could have a positive impact on my eternal reward. In almost 40 years of following Christ, I've never yet outgrown the desire for earthly pleasures and the lust of the flesh, and I suspect that won't change until I leave here, taking my final breath when I'll finally be set free.

But I'm not there yet, so I pray that God will touch my heart for His Presence and that I'll stop short-selling Jesus for lesser things. Somedays, I feel disgusted with my wasted days and months and seasons. I wish every moment had been in surrender to His will for me. But in reality, when compared to the length of time I've spent here, the moments of surrender have been few. I feel sin-sick and too often drawn to the things I shouldn't be drawn to.

I've been enjoying a new Gaither Vocal Band song this week titled 'Out of Bondage'. Here are a few lines from the song:

Out of bondage, into freedom

From the chains that held me fast,

Out of bondage, into freedom

From my prison free at last.

While this song is written about our freedom from our past and the sin that stood between us and God, I love to think of this in another way: the day my heart will forever be free from the pull toward this world and its shallow offerings. The day my chains will be forever loosed from my body—set free in my eternal home.

It's not that I don't love my life, and appreciate the blessings God has given me in so many areas. I love my husband and kids and family and friends. I love my church family, my dogs and my home. It's not that I long for death. But friends, some days I just feel weary of the brokenness here. The pain of wrong choices. The corruption of leaders. The indulgence in sin. The perversion of sex. The profane and idle chatter. The jealousy. The betrayal and lies. It's all so ugly and so heavy, and yet God stands with His arms wide open, beckoning me to fall into them and find peace and joy I could never find here. 

And so I run to Him, asking Him to forgive me—forgive us for this filth in our hearts. I hurt for Him as He looks on and sees it all—every single sin that cost Him His precious, only Son. And I wonder how we so easily forget. How can we be so callous? Why are we so drawn to things that hurt our Savior? I want to hunger for Him above all other persons or things. But I'll feel this away again more times than I care to admit. I'll feel pulled away from Him for something temporary. Something shallow. I'll waste more days and more opportunity. But today, I don't want to. I want my life to be spiritually rich and abundantly valuable in His eyes. 

"God, touch our hearts for You. May we hunger for You each day, weighing up our choices for where we pour our hearts. Help us to remember the tremendous cost of our sin, and may we truly have a desire to live a surrendered life. Forgive us for our constant desire for worldly offerings. And until the day I'm finally set free from the pull, hold me fast in Your loving arms."

Training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age (Titus 2:12, ESV),

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh (Galatians 5:16, ESV).

Recovery Is Possible

Most days I forget the pain of the past. I can make it through the whole day without thinking once about where we were a few years ago, and how it forever changed me. But some days I remember. Some days, I look at myself and I'm amazed that with God's help, I survived-our marriage survived! So my blog post today is for any who may be going through a really difficult situation in your marriage, or even in your own life that seems impossible to make it through. God seems far away and you feel uncertain and skeptical that your heart will feel joy again. Your days are filled with fear, sadness and discouragement. You feel you'll never smile again, and your heart will never heal. If that's you-I want to encourage you to have hope that better days are ahead for you. It may seem like I speak empty words in this season for you, but I know-I've been there. I want to promise you that God can restore your broken heart. I want to whisper words that will allow you to believe, today, that healing will come for you. It won't mean you'll be the person you used to be, and if you really think about it, do you want to be?

I remember it as clear as if it were yesterday. I sat in my counselor's office, leaning forward on that couch and with a pained heart, I asked her, "how long? How long will it take for healing?" She told me that the average amount of time was right around two years. But she also told me that some parts of infidelity would forever change my reaction in certain situations. She truthfully told me that I would never return to the exact woman I used to be. She stressed how important it was for both partners to actively do their part in the recovery process if our marriage had a chance to heal from the affair. Weeks later, I was joined by my husband in therapy, and we began formulating our own recovery plan. The road ahead would be difficult, but we knew that we were following God's plan in our decision, and that with His help, we had a really good shot at this. 

Whatever you're up against, don't forget that God is in it with you. I often wonder how people make it through big life obstacles without His help, comfort, wisdom, and guidance. I look at the broken woman I was back in the worst of it, but on closer inspection, I can see how God was actively using others to help restore my hope and my joy. He hugged me through the arms of other believers. I can see how His Word spoke life and hope into my wounded heart. I needed almost constant reassurance from Him, and He provided each and every time. That same God is with you, too. He longs to carry your burden for you. He wants to heal us-He really cares! We read of many He healed physically, emotionally, and spiritually in the New Testament, and we see evidence of His faithful healing all around us still today. Even yet-we often doubt it will happen for us. We long for it, but our hearts feel skeptical. 

My marriage is just one example in a long thread of answered prayers in my life. God doesn't always heal in the ways we ask for. But even when He says "no", recovery is possible when we realize He understands a bigger picture than what we could ever see or comprehend. While I am forever changed in many ways, I am also truly recovering. I am living proof that God is a Healer of the brokenhearted. It won't happen overnight because there are lessons to learn in the broken places of our circumstances. Recovery is a process. It's a process of learning to trust God in those painful seasons when hope is hard to grasp. It's a transformation in our self-dependence to dependence on Him. It will hurt, but I want you to believe it'll happen for you, too. Because the same God that walked me through the fire and out the other side, longs to walk with you as well. Recovery is real-and my prayer today is that each one stuck in a place of pain can have renewed hope that your heart will sing with joy again. Believe-because He is able.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you (1 Peter 5:10, ESV).

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3, ESV).

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28, ESV).

He restores my soul (Psalm 23:3a, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for the hope we have in You for our recovery from brokenness and pain. Sometimes, we feel unable to manage the hurts of the day, yet we know that in our inability, You are our Perfect, Able Father. Help us to remember, no matter how bad the day, that our recovery will come. In Your name we pray, Amen!

     

Forcing Penance Payment

     Exactly one month ago today, she had allowed a distraction to interfere with her driving. A crying baby in the backseat shifted her focus for one second- one little second, and it resulted in a costly car accident. Thankfully, she and the baby were both perfectly okay. However, their new family SUV had suffered moderate damage, putting them out a few thousand dollars and the inconvenience of being down a vehicle while it was being repaired. She gave an honest tear-filled apology, and a promise to pay more attention in the future. It was over- and it was the best she could do.
     As the weeks passed, he dropped comments. Things like "money wouldn't be as tight right now if you hadn't had that accident." And "be careful today and try to stay focused while you drive." He asked her for favors after reminding her of her mistake. He mentioned it around a co-worker, and he teased her about her driving skills. And every single action and word revealed a simple truth- he really hadn't forgiven her. Real forgiveness doesn't look like that. Because of her mistake, he was making her pay penance, and it really stunk. 
     I wish I could say this was rare in relationships, but it's not. We tease. We bring up the past. We remind. We lecture. And each of these behaviors shows an unwillingness to truly forgive. Forgiveness that requires penance isn't real. And it reveals something else about us too- pride in self and insecurity. Some do this on some pretty obvious levels, and some do it less conspicuously. I've been guilty myself, of using a moment of confession as an opportunity to get my way. And when we think of how a marriage is to resemble a picture of Jesus and His church (all Christians), it makes us shrink back in shame. Because penance is the very opposite of what Jesus requires from us. 
     My mind goes back to my childhood, and a trip we took to Mexico City. As a young girl, I was stunned to see an older man crawling on the street toward the huge, ornate church building. He had pulled up his pant legs to allow the hot, cement pavement to burn and shred away the skin on his knees. I remembering just staring, feeling sad and asking my parents why he was doing this. I learned he was paying "penance" for his sin- hoping with this painful sacrifice, that he would receive forgiveness. And yet 2,000 years ago, the price for our sin was put away through the painful, substitutionary action of our Savior- Jesus. He paid for our sins with His own body on the cross, so that we would never have to pay the price for them. His gospel says this: "no penance required" on our part. 
     In light of His gift to us, it's so wrong that we often feel others owe us for their past mistakes. We feel they should be indebted, and are tempted to bring up their past behavior. Friends- God never does this with His own. He doesn't withhold love from us, simply because we sin against Him. My own life should mirror this same principle, when faced with hurtful actions of others. If they apologize (and even if they don't), no penance is required from them. And nothing on my end should make them feel they owe me for what they did in the past. If you're flinging up dirt from the past- especially in your marriage, can I encourage you to stop? If you truly have forgiven them- an action mirroring God's grace to us, then leave it in the past. Don't bring it up. Even when you really want to. Because when we can give them freedom for their mistakes, we find that we are a little bit more like Jesus- and that's the real goal. 

For by grace you have been saved, through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2:9 (ESV)
For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more." Hebrews 8:12 (ESV)
"I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins. Isaiah 43:25 (ESV)
"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Matthew 5:7 (ESV)

Dear heavenly Father, it's so easy for us to hold grudges, and to bring up the sins of others. We feel entitled because they have wronged us, and we remind them of the debt they owe us. Jesus- this behavior is completely unlike Yours. Help us to change our ways, and truly forgive and let it go. In Your name we pray, Amen!

Love Keeps No Record of Wrong

     Love is hard. Not new love- but real love that stands the test of time. New love is blind to faults and failures. It's hopeful and naive in nature. It sees the good and glosses over the bad. But real, honest to goodness love is not only hard- it's messy, and reveals a real need for Jesus in my loving. Chances are, you're familiar with keeping score in your relationships. Like me, you probably aren't proud of this weakness, it's just a sad reality that's a part of you.
     Scripture reminds us in the love chapter (1 Corinthians 13) what love is. Love is patient, kind, doesn't envy or boast. Love is not proud or envious, nor does it dishonor others. It's not self-seeking or easily angered. Love doesn't delight in evil, but rejoices in truth. It protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres, and never fails. And it keeps no record of wrongs. I don't know about you, but this one has been speaking to my soul the past few weeks, and convicting me of how often I fail to love without any record keeping.
     The older I get, the more my memory stinks. I've never been great at remembering names, dates in history, or when I'm due for my next colonoscopy (who wants to remember that?). But chances are pretty good that if you've wronged me in word or action, I remember. And while I will readily admit that, I'll also acknowledge how wrong this behavior is. There are life lessons to learn from being hurt or betrayed, wronged or assaulted. But when you love someone, you aren't to keep tabs. In fact, as far as love goes, they didn't happen- they're simply gone. Apart from the Holy Spirit, this would be an impossible request, until we take a really good look at how God loves us.
     God has every reason to not only remember my wrongs, but to disqualify me from His love and redemption because of them. Every sin I've ever committed has been against Him, and yet because of the blood of Jesus, He chooses to love me and forget my sin. This form of love is more powerful than I could ever understand, because there isn't a laundry list of great things about me that should earn His favor. Yet this is how God loves us, and He asks us to love others this same way. He doesn't command us to do something we aren't capable of doing, but He often asks us to do things that are impossible without His help. Like keeping no record of wrong. 
     What words and actions are you holding on to from the past that you believe justify you from loving the offender? Is it an insult from a friend? A rude comment about one of your children that was brought to your attention? Have you been betrayed by an affair? Have you been hurt by a parent? Has someone criticized your work or your appearance that left you angry and insecure? Friends- loving is hard business, and somedays it almost seems impossible to love without keeping score. Especially in marriage- yet it's crucial that we learn how to let go. Air out your differences and confess your faults and failures, and then you'll need to leave them in the past, relinquishing the right to bring them up again. Because this is what God has done for us. When we confess our sins before Him, He not only forgives us, but removes them from our record. They are erased- gone! 
     Somedays, following Jesus is easy- days when our cost of following is low. But other days, following Him is hard- especially in the realm of loving like He loves us. But the reward will always, always be worth it. So whatever records you're keeping against others, it's time to erase the slate. Release them. Free yourself- and simply love, knowing that by choosing to love when it's hard is a true reflection of His Spirit within you. A person who doesn't keep records from past wrongs is a breath of fresh air. Go ahead- be that person. It won't go unnoticed. It'll only make your light shine brighter. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)

Dear heavenly Father, help me to let go of the past offenses of others against me. It goes against my flesh, but we know that when we love in this way- forgiving and forgetting, we reflect Your very nature within us. Thank You, Father, for erasing the record of my sin, bought by Your precious blood. In Your name we pray, Amen!

                                     

Thanksgiving isn't About Turkey and Pie

     I'm getting really excited. Thanksgiving ushers in my favorite time of year- it's full of food, family, Christmas music, football, Black Friday planning, and more food. It is the opening of the whole Christmas season, complete with most of my favorite things. Thanksgiving, in my opinion, is the best holiday, because of what follows. I'm one of those people that have all trees in place to celebrate Thanksgiving- it's a mood all in itself.
     But Thanksgiving really isn't about all those things. It's not about turkey and pumpkin pie. It's not even about family. While those things bring plenty of gratefulness from my heart, they aren't the basis for the holiday. Thanksgiving is about being thankful- a season of reflection, appreciation and gratitude to the One who has blessed us with each gift we've been given. And often, if I'm being completely honest, I celebrate the season and get caught up in tradition, rather than the Giver of good things.
     Forgetting to really show thankfulness isn't a new problem, although it seems to be getting more rampant as years pass by. This brings to mind the story of the ten lepers Jesus healed in Luke 17. Ten healed, yet only one came to thank Jesus for healing him. Nine of them walked away celebrating their healing without thanking, or even caring to know their Healer. But one did. Man, I want to be like that one leper. I don't want my life to be like the nine that knew no real sense of gratitude. Their life had been doomed, and with their healing, their life sentence removed. You think to yourself, how rude and ungrateful- yet often I am sadly no better. 
     The season is upon us as Thanksgiving draws closer, yet we don't need a special day to live a life of gratitude. We are so blessed no matter what our situation is. God has given us life, yes, but if we know Him as Savior, He has given us the hope of what really matters. Life won't always be easy- in fact, most often it isn't. If you're like me, you've had your share of heartache and hard times, but it's so great thing to remember it's all temporary. If we could truly get a glimpse of our eternal home, our life would be completely transformed. We wouldn't be so focused on staying here. We wouldn't be so earthly minded. We have just a short span of living in a world tainted with hurt and brokenness. The best is yet to come for those of us who belong to Him. This helps us to better live in a spirit of thankfulness despite our circumstances. 
     Our God is a good God, but our God also loves to hear our words of thanksgiving. When we give good things to others, we expect to hear words of thanks- if we don't, we are hurt, disappointed and feel taken for granted. Why do we treat God differently, forgetting to thank Him for our many blessings and for what He has done for us? At this time of Thanksgiving, I want to encourage and challenge each of you to speak words of gratitude. Tell your family words of thanks. Tell your spouse how much you appreciate them. Tell your friends how grateful you are for them. But don't forget the Giver of all these blessings, and how much we owe Him. Because in the multitude of a debt I can never re-pay, I can say "thank You." 

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever! Psalm 107:1 ESV
I will give to the LORD the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the LORD, the Most High. Psalm 7:17 ESV
Giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, Ephesians 5:20 ESV
Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, ... Psalm 50:14a ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, there is so much we should thank You for- for Your life, Your great sacrifice on the cross, for providing a way of salvation. Lord, we are thankful for Your love, for Your physical provisions for us. And Father, for the blessing of loved ones and family, we thank You. Help us to live a lifestyle of gratitude- that we would show it always and not just in this season of Thanksgiving. In Your name we pray, Lord Jesus, Amen!

Forgive and Forget?

        I have a long trail of transgressions behind me that I simply don't remember- they were trivial in nature, and with 49 years of living and forgiving, who could recall them all? I've forgiven lies, backstabbing, gossip, fist fights (siblings only), and hurt feelings. I've given no less than I've received when it comes to hurting others. And while many of them are long forgotten, plenty of them are still fresh in my mind. 
     For all of you that love me, and know me well, I hope you still do when I tell you a story from my childhood. I was number two in a sibling pack of four. At any moment in time, any of us could be the one the others turned on, and I well remember a few times we turned on our littlest- my youngest brother, Daniel. We sound pretty uncivilized when I say we occasionally "dog piled our brother." Maybe it was because he screeched the loudest, and Mom always got after us when he did (and might I add he would smile at us behind her back when we did get it). But I recall my older sister, my other brother, and I waiting for him to come downstairs where we "jumped" him. My idea was to rub a nylon hairbrush on his arm, which I'm sure, felt awful! Just to clarify a little, we were all very young, and he didn't bleed. But in this moment, I needed forgiveness, but I didn't forget what I did all these years later, and maybe he hasn't either. 
     The thing is, we all have hurt others- and especially those we love the most. And while we may forgive them, we often can't forget the hurtful words or actions. They are locked away in our memory because they were painful enough to remember. Infidelity is like that. While we can forgive and move on, we don't forget what we came through, and how it changed us. Forgiving means we no longer hold the offense against the one that hurt us, but to forget doesn't seem possible when the hurt goes that deep. And I think it's important not to forget the valuable lessons we learned through our own journey, while forgetting the offense. The lessons learned help guard us in our "today moments", and helped strengthen our marriage and our relationships with one another and our Lord. I'm truly thankful for the lessons God taught us through our own story, and am certain He will use them for good. Yes, we forgave, but we also remember.
     That's what makes us so unlike God. When you think about it, every sin committed in all of history, is against Him. The hairbrush rubbing, the affair, the fighting, the lying, the hurting- every one is against Him. Should my sins be tallied up, I would cringe in embarrassment at how awful I really am. But on the cross, many years ago, my sins were washed away with the holy, precious blood of Jesus- forgiven forever! And not only did Jesus forgive my sins, but He chooses not to recall them. He doesn't assign my sins to me anymore, labeling me by them- which is such an amazing gift. While we look on others and remember the hurtful words or actions they did to us, He chooses not to do that. When we think of how God does this for us, I feel shame for what I choose to remember. While it's wise to remember the lessons learned from past hurts, it's grace that allows me to let go of the offense, and never again place that label on the offender. "God help me in all ways, to be more like You."

"I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins. Isaiah 43:25 ESV
Then he adds, "I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more." Hebrews 10:17 ESV
For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more." Hebrews 8:12 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I often don't realize just how far I fall short of being an example of Your Son, Jesus. Help me, Father, to not only forgive, but to forget the offense, while remembering the lessons learned from it. Help me to never assign labels to others that are human, just like me. We all sin because we are not perfect or holy. Help me to love others and forgive the way You do, Lord. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen!