I Wasn't Ready Yet

 I received a message through my Instagram account the other day, and something in it really struck a chord with me: "I wasn't ready, yet", she said. I've said it, and maybe you have too. How many things do we not feel ready for? I know for me, the list would be pretty extensive. In this particular case, she wasn't ready for words of hope—because sometimes, we feel the need to flounder in our grief and pain as we grapple with reality. We wrestle with our shocking feelings surrounding painful circumstances, and need to spend some time there.

I can relate. I have my own lapse between discovery and the quest for healing. Or maybe that lapse is really just the very beginning of the process that leads us to healing. When we receive shocking news—whether betrayal in our marriage, the death of a loved one, a serious diagnosis, or some other painful discovery, our initial response is not usually acceptance—that comes later in the grieving/healing process.

It helps to know this is a natural response for most humans. It doesn't make me a bad person or a bad Christian if I spend a little time between discovery and acceptance. It doesn't mean I don't believe God is good—but it does mean my faith in His goodness is being called to the test, even as He patiently waits for me to learn to trust Him with this hard news.

The truth is, when I hear something especially difficult, I like to nurse that pain for a while. Whether it's minutes or days, those feelings match the bad news. I need time to properly grieve those hurts and disappointments before I feel ready to move on and move forward—maybe you need this space too. But even in those days of nursing my wounds and floundering in my feelings, I'm still so deeply touched with His tender presence—giving comfort until I'm ready. 

I lost a dear friend this week, and I wasn't ready to hear she had passed away. I had hoped for healing—healing that would place her back in this world—healthy and whole and pouring herself back into her family and friends once again. We prayed and we believed, yet God took her home. I feel pain over our temporary parting—space is needed until acceptance comes. God knows. He understands our need for this time, yet it won't stop Him from planting precious truths into our hurting hearts. This is the soil needed for future acceptance—knowing He deeply cares for our hurts and pains.

Maybe you're somewhere between hard news and acceptance. Maybe you're wrestling with the darkness of those painful feelings—the deepness of grief. Maybe you don't even want to think of God, and are pressing against His longing to comfort you. If He is in control, then He could have allowed a different outcome—different news than what you're facing. Does He care for your hurt and pain, and does He understand the feelings we face as we grieve? He does, friends, He does.

We need days where we wallow in the bad news and we ask God, "why?" And while it's a natural part of the process of grieving, let us not stay stuck there. The truth is, bad news will come to us all at some point in our lives—and it seems more and more often as we age. Sin has broken this world, and it's broken us, too. That's why we desperately need Jesus—the God of all comfort. 

Maybe today you don't feel ready to accept whatever it is you're facing. Maybe you just want to nurse your pain another day. Maybe you aren't ready yet—ready to move forward. To accept. To heal. To trust God with your broken heart. Maybe today, hope doesn't feel possible. But tomorrow is a new day. Pray about your heart. Know that Jesus cares so very deeply for you. His ways are best, even when they hurt. 

We don't always need to know why, but eventually we must accept the present reality. We must remember God's faithful love, and that He works all things for good–even when it doesn't feel good. One day, you'll be ready, and one day you'll look back and see how far He's brought you. Don't spend too much time wallowing and nursing your pain—you have big things He has planned for you—things you don't want to miss. You aren't alone in this—He is always with us. So today in that space between hard news and acceptance, may you feel His love beckoning you to trust Him. May you learn to lean into His tender, strong arms and carry you through. He is our Good, Good Father—every single moment of every single day.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God (2 Corinthians 1:3-4, ESV). 

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3, ESV). 

Living Without Sin

     Today, my heart is heavy when I think of the world we live in. Depravity of every kind fills the hustle of modern day cities, as well as the quiet gentle slopes of the countryside. You can't turn on the news without hearing awful things. Nor could you scroll through social media without squirming with discomfort. School cafeterias buzz with plans-plans that involve sin. Hospital corridors are teeming with patients suffering the results of sin. Co-workers whisper of things that should never be said. Church walls witness sinners in desperate need of a Savior. And my own heart is a place that is in a constant battle against that 3-letter word-sin!
     Without sin, we would live in a perfect world. This is a world only experienced by two humans-Adam and Eve. A world unstained before the fall of mankind. A world fully connected with God. This world was pain-free. It was open and trusting and completely harmonious. No wars. No racism. No worry. No sickness. No sadness. No divorce. No sexual sin. No selfishness. No natural disasters. No hunger. No death! Nothing at all that could hurt us. It's a world that I honestly can't imagine, because I've never lived there. But I know that someday, I will.
     I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to heaven. But even though I am, I'm unable to grasp what it will be like to no longer be tempted. I can't begin to understand never feeling worry, pain, or sadness. I don't know a world that isn't self-absorbed. I worry about illness, or the loss of a loved one. I am in a constant war against aging and body image. I feel a craving for more-a craving that can't ever be fully satisfied because my list of wants continually grows. This is all we know, because we live after the fall of Adam and Eve. But I long for better.
     If I assigned a mental picture to entering heaven's gate, there would be a huge pile of burdens, too high to measure, laying just outside of it. I would walk through with such relief after such a weary journey through life. Oh, how I long to see the face of Jesus-for sure, but I also long to feel the absence of sin and how deeply it affects every aspect of my life. I long to finally be at complete peace with no worries or cares weighing heavily on my mind and my heart. I long to be holy. And while many days here make me smile with joy, the burden is always there, always lingering, and always beckoning me to succumb to the desires of my flesh. 
     You've been hurt by sin. We all have. None have been exempt from its wages. But if you belong to Christ, it's all just temporary. And while we can claim victory over temptation through His Spirit each day, it's a constant war. Some wars we will win, and some we will falter and fail. As our hearts are heavy with the devastating current events-we long for better days, yet we cannot experience complete peace and unity in a sin broken world. What our souls long for is heaven-a place where sin will be forever put away. And while I can change my own actions, the world will continue to disappoint me. Until I'm home in heaven, sin will be an issue for me. I'll wrestle with it until the day I die. But one day-one day soon, it'll lose its hold on me. I long for the release of its deadly grip, and I daydream of how wonderful it will to finally be free.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, Romans 3:23 (ESV).
Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned- Romans 5:12 (ESV).
Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins Ecclesiastes 7:20 (ESV).
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me Psalm 51:10 (ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, we long for the day sin will be forever removed from us. It hurts others, and it hurts me. Our sin had such a cost to Your Son, Jesus, and through that cost, He made a way for us to be free! We look forward to the day we will no longer struggle with it, and are at perfect rest in Your presence. In Your name we pray, Amen!

     
     

Faith or Freaking Out?

     It was a cool December day, and I remember it all too well. Something was wrong in my marriage, and I felt weighed down with anxiety. Something wasn't right, and for the first time in my 24 1/2 year marriage, I felt very fearful. My husband's location did not match what he had verbally told me, and that's all it took to make that sick feeling way down in the pit of my stomach. It wasn't a fear you could easily hide, no, my face said it all! I couldn't act normal, instead, I felt on the verge of hysteria. In that moment, I desperately needed God, yet it was almost too much to comprehend, let alone pass it on to Someone more capable, as crazy as that now sounds.
     Even this past weekend, I felt that awful familiar feeling of dread once again. A warm, relaxing Saturday shower was my current agenda, followed by a day of household chores and some baking. As I dried off and checked my phone, a text thread between my siblings grabbed my attention. It's not an easy piece of news to swallow hearing that the woman who cared for me, supported and loved me for all of my 49 years, was being rushed to the ER for a suspected stroke. Fear again- an awful enemy that the devil uses to derail us, and shift our faith from God, to helplessness. 
     I thank God for His willingness to be an intimate part of my life. Not only as an observer, but an integral help and support system that I can't imagine living without. God calls us to faith- faith that He is able to handle all of the awful, and not so awful circumstances of our lives. While I know that in theory, it's often hard to recall when I receive crushing news. I am guilty of feeling panic first, until I remember that isn't His way for me. 
     How do you respond to bad news, a serious illness or even suspicions? Do you feel immediately fearful? Does anxiety get the best of you, like it often does for me? It's true, that some news you'll receive, will forever change your life. Some news means an end to an earthly relationship with someone we dearly love. Some news means my own life is in jeopardy. In those moments, it's naturally hard not to feel panicked, yet God wants us even then, to trust Him and lean on Him for stability and help. But too often, it's a process for me- panic first, try to re-gain some sort of control I actually don't even possess, and then remember that God is available to help me through the good and the bad. 
     My marriage did fall apart from infidelity, but thank God that wasn't the end of our story! God is restoring our marriage one day at a time. And my sweet mom? She is recovering at home with only minor evidence of the TIA she was diagnosed with. Sometimes, the answers from God are really good ones, but sometimes, things don't work out the way we desperately longed for. Even then, God asks us to trust Him. It doesn't mean we won't feel hurt and heartbroken- He understands that we will. But even on those harder days, He is working out a story that involves all of us- saved or lost. We are all a piece to a puzzle of ultimate redemption, and while some of the working together of the pieces causes us heartache and pain, the finished product is exactly as it should be- a perfect picture revealing the glory of God. So in these days of living and learning, gains and losses, God is reminding me often of how I really need Him. He's tenderly calling out to me, "Ruth- just trust Me, I won't ever leave you!" So when my heart gives in to fear, my prayer is that I'll remember He calls me to something infinitely better than panic- faith that He will see me through.

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV)
I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4 (ESV)
The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe. Proverbs 29:25 (ESV)
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, how often I'm guilty of fear before faith. I pray that each day, I'll be reminded of Your perfect ability to handle the things that are too big for me. I confess that when things are really painful, it seems difficult to trust it's all known to You, and permitted to happen. Help me especially in those times, to remember Your faithful love toward me, and how You long to walk me through the fire, carrying me safely through. In Your precious name I pray, Jesus, Amen!