I Wasn't Ready Yet

 I received a message through my Instagram account the other day, and something in it really struck a chord with me: "I wasn't ready, yet", she said. I've said it, and maybe you have too. How many things do we not feel ready for? I know for me, the list would be pretty extensive. In this particular case, she wasn't ready for words of hope—because sometimes, we feel the need to flounder in our grief and pain as we grapple with reality. We wrestle with our shocking feelings surrounding painful circumstances, and need to spend some time there.

I can relate. I have my own lapse between discovery and the quest for healing. Or maybe that lapse is really just the very beginning of the process that leads us to healing. When we receive shocking news—whether betrayal in our marriage, the death of a loved one, a serious diagnosis, or some other painful discovery, our initial response is not usually acceptance—that comes later in the grieving/healing process.

It helps to know this is a natural response for most humans. It doesn't make me a bad person or a bad Christian if I spend a little time between discovery and acceptance. It doesn't mean I don't believe God is good—but it does mean my faith in His goodness is being called to the test, even as He patiently waits for me to learn to trust Him with this hard news.

The truth is, when I hear something especially difficult, I like to nurse that pain for a while. Whether it's minutes or days, those feelings match the bad news. I need time to properly grieve those hurts and disappointments before I feel ready to move on and move forward—maybe you need this space too. But even in those days of nursing my wounds and floundering in my feelings, I'm still so deeply touched with His tender presence—giving comfort until I'm ready. 

I lost a dear friend this week, and I wasn't ready to hear she had passed away. I had hoped for healing—healing that would place her back in this world—healthy and whole and pouring herself back into her family and friends once again. We prayed and we believed, yet God took her home. I feel pain over our temporary parting—space is needed until acceptance comes. God knows. He understands our need for this time, yet it won't stop Him from planting precious truths into our hurting hearts. This is the soil needed for future acceptance—knowing He deeply cares for our hurts and pains.

Maybe you're somewhere between hard news and acceptance. Maybe you're wrestling with the darkness of those painful feelings—the deepness of grief. Maybe you don't even want to think of God, and are pressing against His longing to comfort you. If He is in control, then He could have allowed a different outcome—different news than what you're facing. Does He care for your hurt and pain, and does He understand the feelings we face as we grieve? He does, friends, He does.

We need days where we wallow in the bad news and we ask God, "why?" And while it's a natural part of the process of grieving, let us not stay stuck there. The truth is, bad news will come to us all at some point in our lives—and it seems more and more often as we age. Sin has broken this world, and it's broken us, too. That's why we desperately need Jesus—the God of all comfort. 

Maybe today you don't feel ready to accept whatever it is you're facing. Maybe you just want to nurse your pain another day. Maybe you aren't ready yet—ready to move forward. To accept. To heal. To trust God with your broken heart. Maybe today, hope doesn't feel possible. But tomorrow is a new day. Pray about your heart. Know that Jesus cares so very deeply for you. His ways are best, even when they hurt. 

We don't always need to know why, but eventually we must accept the present reality. We must remember God's faithful love, and that He works all things for good–even when it doesn't feel good. One day, you'll be ready, and one day you'll look back and see how far He's brought you. Don't spend too much time wallowing and nursing your pain—you have big things He has planned for you—things you don't want to miss. You aren't alone in this—He is always with us. So today in that space between hard news and acceptance, may you feel His love beckoning you to trust Him. May you learn to lean into His tender, strong arms and carry you through. He is our Good, Good Father—every single moment of every single day.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God (2 Corinthians 1:3-4, ESV). 

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3, ESV). 

Don't Rush "Right"

     There is nothing that unsettles me like having my "right" disrupted. A mess on the kitchen floor, a missing check, a piece of wayward hair, or a dinner gone bad can yank my chain. "Right" feels good to me, and I don't want anything or anyone to mess it up. Doing so frustrates me, and makes me feel stressed. It's silly, since life is rarely full of days that go perfectly right, so why I let it get to me, I don't know. 
     What I do know is that when "right" turns "wrong", I scramble to clean up the mess and restore order once again. It doesn't really matter about the process, as long as it is quick. That works just fine when you're dealing with little life messes, but when you're facing infidelity in your marriage, quick won't work. Fixing the bigger issues in my life takes time, effort, patience, and the help of my Heavenly Father.
     I confess when it came to my broken marriage, I initially rushed "right." I hated being broken, and longed for things to feel normal again. I accepted an apology without a change of heart. I wanted to believe him, because I wanted to believe. I forgave, and didn't wait to see the spiritual change I longed for. As a result, I found myself in a mess again from rushing forward. I welcomed him back home, wanting so desperately for him to be there. But I soon discovered that without a spiritual change, this wasn't what was right.
     Waiting is hard, isn't it? Especially when you don't have peace with your "now." I knew that scripture urged me to wait on the Lord, and I heard if from others. But sometimes when you're hurting while you wait, your heart can get in the way of wisdom. Yes- I longed for the wrongs to be made right, but until they really were right, it was wrong to push forward. And yet life is a learning process, and God understood my longing. 
     After my husband walked out the door the second time, I knew I could not receive him back without a change in not only his heart, but his spiritual heart. I would not rush ahead this time, but would exercise faith and patience as I waited to see what God had for me. I didn't know what that was, but I knew that until He gave it to me, I wasn't interested. Some things are just not meant to be rushed into, but when God unmistakably opens a door, I don't want to miss it. And I hope I'm not too busy to notice from rushing around to find that missing check or fix a piece of wayward hair! 

The simple believes everything, but the prudent gives thought to his steps. Proverbs 14:15 ESV
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6 ESV
For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end- it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. Habakkuk 2:3 ESV
For there is a time and a way for everything, although man's trouble lies heavy on him. Ecclesiastes 8:6 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to exercise godly patience and not rush things. It's hard to wait, yet I know that waiting for Your timing will bring about the peace I truly long for. Guide my steps, and give me eyes to see like You see, and a heart that seeks Your way, and not my own. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Limbo- A Season of Waiting

     I am not one known for patience. I can be patient with people, but when it comes to life, I don't like to wait. If I decide to paint a bedroom on a whim, chances are the walls will be that color within 48 hours time. That's just me. If I have a spectacular gift for someone, I could be persuaded to give it early, because the anticipation kills me. So when I was called to wait on an ultimate answer for which direction my marriage would take, I was restless and impatient. I like quick fixes, not long periods of limbo. 
     I begged God for a quick fix. I wanted immediate answers. But quick fixes and immediate answers do not build trust in God. There are lessons in the season of limbo that we don't want to miss. As much as I wanted release from this season of pain, God wanted to change my heart and build up my faith in Him. As humans, we don't like painful seasons, but what can come out of them is beautiful. 
     In the time since my husband first left, there have been good days and bad days. We have drawn closer at times, and then torn apart again. Some days I believed we would reconcile, and others I wondered if it would end with a day in a lawyer's office, signing papers. My mind was in turmoil, and I grappled with gaining some sort of control over the situation. But God had other plans for me, and wanted to remind me Who is in control, and Who is best in control. 
     What I learned is that limbo is an opportunity. A quick release from my situation would have never grown my faith in God. I would have learned that life can right itself, and move on without really knowing Him. If you have never lived in a painful season of limbo, then you unfortunately don't know God in the same way. That's not to lessen your relationship with Him, but painful seasons draw us to His strength, comfort, hope, and voice, in a whole new way. 
     It's hard to not know our future regarding our marriages, but in reality, our future isn't known to us anyways. What can seem secure and permanent, can be removed in a moment. No matter what your situation is, God wants us to trust Him. If it's scary, and dark, and uncertain- trust Him. If it's bright, and promising, and optimistic- trust Him. Our circumstances don't define God's trustworthiness. Our marriages don't change His faithfulness. What we can know, and where we can find security, is in Him alone. If we are putting our faith and trust in anything or anyone else, we will experience disappointment. When we trust God in those low places, we will find the strength and courage to rise from them, knowing He is changing our character for His good purposes. So, if you're waiting, wait with patience- His will for you will be the very best, and worth waiting for!

The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. Lamentations 3:25 ESV
Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD! Psalm 27:14 ESV
But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 ESV
Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. Psalm 33:20 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to learn to trust You in all situations. It can be so hard to wait for answers, and yet You can use waiting to build my faith. While we don't know what tomorrow holds, we do know You are faithfully there. May I seek to follow Your will for my life, knowing any other way will lead to disappointment and pain. I thank You for being in my todays, and my tomorrows. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!