We can say it over and over again, but it just isn't true. We DO care what others think of us. It's nice to pretend we don't, and to tell others it doesn't matter, but it doesn't make it true. While there is definite shame for the unfaithful spouse, I felt it as well.
I didn't realize it before, but my marital security and integrity were important to my pride. I like to appear to have it all together. I want others to see that my life is neat and tidy. I don't want to appear flawed and messy. I don't leave my house without make-up. I usually go to the grocery store in nice clothes, and freshly washed and styled hair. I like a clean car and a clean house. I want others to see my kids behaving. I want them to believe my husband is amazing, and that together, we have a great thing going. What I came to realize is this- I stunk of pride.
Why I held myself to this ridiculous standard, I don't know. But I do know that when our marriage fell apart, it further crushed my proud spirit, and caused embarrassment. What would people think? What will they say? I wanted to hide my marriage problems, because I was ashamed that I fell short of what others may think of me. How crazy this thought process was, and how short it fell from living in a meek and humble spirit. And a further shot to the heart is the reminder of what God says about pride- He hates it.
When I think of how Jesus lived, it is deeply humbling. He came from a poor family, in a nondescript town. He didn't have monetary possessions. He spent time with sinners. He had only one possession at the cross- His garment. This man, Who was God in flesh, had not one stitch of pride in His character, and He had every right to. When I think of His attitude, and then I see mine, I drop my head in shame. Shame that isn't about my circumstances, but about my heart. My pride had to be humbled if I were to serve Him the way He wants me to.
When I could release myself from the expectations I placed on myself, I felt a burden lifted. I still wear my make-up, and get dressed for the grocery store, but I'm not afraid to tell my story. I tell others that I'm messy and broken, and how God's grace is working in my life and my marriage. I don't try to hide my story from others, and felt relief at sharing our struggles. And when I let go of my pride, and allowed myself to be authentic about my situation, I found so many others that could relate to me. I didn't feel that connection when I lived in my pride, but I felt it when I allowed myself to be broken- just like everyone else.
For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Galatians 6:3 ESV
Before destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility comes before honor. Proverbs 18:12 ESV
Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Philippians 2:3 ESV
The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rock, in your lofty dwelling, who say in your heart, "Who will bring me down to the ground?" Obadiah 1:3 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, help me to live humbly before others, acknowledging my failures and shortcomings. These are things that show my need of You, and Your perfect ability to help me overcome them. I thank You for caring enough for me to show me my prideful heart, and change it. Help me to share my story with others, so they can see You woven throughout it. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!
No comments:
Post a Comment