When it comes to being awkward, I take the cake. I often blurt out things people usually think, but don't say. Ask my people, and they will tell you it's true;) It isn't about being mean, it's about my mouth working before my brain catches up! And other times, it's my social nervousness that causes me to lose my cool for a sentence or two. Not that I claim to be cool, but you get the point. But around my family and friends, I don't feel awkward, so it was strange to suddenly feel awkward around my husband of 25 years!
I've known him practically my whole life. We have spent most of our days and nights right there with one another. I know all his quirks, and he knows mine. And if I were honest, I have more quirks than he does. I can tell you where he has scars, and what his favorite teams are. I know he loves white birthday cake, with white buttercream frosting. I know his shoe size, pet peeves, and the smell of his cologne. But when he left me, I felt uncomfortable around this man I knew so well, and loved so long. Who in the world is this person that did this to me? My best friend became a stranger in many ways.
If you have experienced this, you know what I am talking about. What do you say to this person? How do you act? I had no idea, and so I was most comfortable when he wasn't in my presence. When he would come by the house, my heart would beat fast and I needed gallons of water for my dry mouth. I found it hard to look him in the eyes, and I felt unsure of myself around him. What do you do when you find yourself here? I found that a very difficult thing to deal with.
Conversations had to happen. Issues had to be discussed. Communication was necessary, as we shared children, finances, and a home. In my situation, we did most of our communicating initially over text message. But little by little, we gained the courage to talk face to face. Doing this was painful at first, but became a little less awkward with time. Each time I found out he had been unfaithful, I started back at zero. This was a tumultuous time inside my head and heart. I would feel hopeful, and then crushed.
In this difficult time, I have no doubt I would have been lost without my Anchor in the Storm. If I needed courage, I prayed for it, and received it. When I was afraid, I spoke to Him, and knew He heard me. When I was angry, He calmed my spirit. When I was skeptical, I was reassured of His love for me. And when I was brokenhearted, He showed me a love I was desperate for. Around my Savior, there was never awkwardness, just love and acceptance. Infidelity is uncomfortable, no matter which way you look at it. It hurts people deeply, and causes great pain. But we have One we can take all of our feelings and insecurities to, and know He accepts us, and loves us. He will never hurt or betray us, and in Him, we can rest in absolute peace and comfort.
Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise to your servant. Psalm 119:76 ESV
This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. Psalm 119:50 ESV
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 ESV
The LORD is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him. Nahum 1:7 ESV
Dear Heavenly Father, this is a messy situation, and one that causes me heartache and pain. Give me courage and peace when I am with my spouse, and also when I am not. Give me direction and guide me each day. I thank You for Your love and comfort, and for always making me feel accepted in You. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen!
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