Harsh Words Damage Relationships

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear (Ephesians 4:29, ESV).
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back (Proverbs 29:11, ESV).
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18, ESV).

Can you remember all the great things people have said about you through your life? I know I can remember a few—especially those said by someone that oftentimes isn’t complimentary. I remember praise for accomplishing certain milestones or tasks, and I remember promises made involving serious things like marriage vows. I remember whispered words of encouragement when I was walking through some very difficult moments in life, but man oh man I remember harsh words.

Why is it that the really bad things we have heard stick with us, filling us with whispers of doubt and fear in moments of weakness? They lay under the surface of our thoughts, easily erupting when we need them the least. It should give us great pause before we allow ourselves to speak, knowing the impact can last for decades—sometimes even forever. 

Rash words really are often like sword thrusts, aiming at our hearts and wounding oftentimes more seriously than a physical injury. Learning to rein in our words should be constant. At any moment given the wrong situation, we can so easily lash out with hurtful comments. This is often especially true with those closest to us—the ones we know love us most and will forgive our verbal jabs. I find this is fairly common among couples learning to live side by side, day after day.

Stressful situations can lead us to be careless with our words. Feeling hungry, sleepy or ill can also lead us to snap or say something rude or unkind. When we use words that are harsh or unkind, Scripture says we speak as a fool. These words have consequences and reveal the state of our hearts. If you’re known as one that can aptly cut with your words in a clever, sarcastic or cruel way, you are not a picture of Christ.

Our society places value on sarcasm and criticism, but within a marriage or any relationship, that form of speech damages and tears down. Our speech, as believers, should build up and encourage. As I write this, I am convicted when I think of the many times I have used clever, cutting words and felt almost proud of how I put someone in their place. May God change our hearts and may we be convicted of our speech when it falls short.

Marriages need kindness. Your spouse needs words that affirm and encourage. There is no situation where we are justified in using harsh language. My challenge to each of us today is to pay attention to our words. What tone are you using when you speak? Is what you’re saying beneficial or destructive? Words are often forgotten, but I think it’s so important to know that harsh words spoken are often remembered for many years, causing bitterness, along with emotional and mental pain. Speak kindly, and by doing so, it will reveal the Spirit of God within you. 

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak (Matthew 12:36, ESV),

 

Sunday Relationship Tips- Making Time

     Have you ever longed for a couple days, way back then? Before cell phones, tv, dishwashers, cars, internet, and washing machines? I know- lots of manual work we aren't used to doing ourselves. But I'm talking about time when life was simpler and less crammed full of activity. While we have all the luxuries to make our work shorter, we aren't benefitting from them in the form of leisure. With all of the time I save from having a dishwasher or washing machine and dryer, I will find fillers for the time I saved. This is the way of modern day living, and there are some pretty steep consequences involved.
     Relationships are suffering from lack of making time for them. We like to think we are doing good things by filling our day to the brim, but in the end, we are paying a high price. While there is a place for work, studying, running errands, and exercising, if they leave no time for prioritizing our relationships with those we love and our relationship with the Lord, we need to find things to cross off our list. 
     We are busy people, and we like to point out to others just how busy we are. Can you imagine if you spoke to someone, and asked how life was and they told you this? "Well, I went to work today and made time to sit down and talk with my wife for a while. We ate dinner and then took a walk together, just enjoying the day and each other's company. We came home and played a game with our kids and then had some devotion time together before we turned in a little early." You might think to yourself, wow- wish that was my life, it sounds so easy and almost lazy. Instead, we wake up and check social media. We work out and grab coffee and a granola bar on the run. We work and we pack up more work to bring home with us. We drive the kids to practice and try to make all their games. We rush around and try to squeeze in church and some yard work. Then we crash in bed and start all over again the next day.
     This frenzied pace doesn't allow for cultivating relationships. I'm serious when I suggest looking for things to cross off the list. Being an overachiever can make you an underachiever with your spouse, or in any close relationship. In my own marriage, I can look back and see how being too busy resulted in a relational disconnect. Make time for those you love and care for. And make time for growing in your relationship with Christ. When we make our spiritual journey a priority, we can see with clarity the importance of the choices we are making. We all have things we can cross off our list- even something as simple as setting a limit on social media, or a television time limit. When we show those we love that they have a place of prominence in our time, it builds the relationship up, rather than tear it down. What will you cross off your list today?

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 ESV
And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, Hebrews 10:24 ESV
Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10 ESV
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for the gift of time. I pray You will give me wisdom on how I spend it, and that I will make time for not only knowing more about You, but that I'll spend it loving others and making them a priority. Help me to have the discipline to cross things off of my list that are keeping me from connecting effectively with those I love. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

Ultimatums

     Relationships are riddled with ultimatums. We give them often to our kids. There are consequences for not listening to our instruction. We tell our kids to clean their rooms, do their homework, improve their attitude, or use shampoo this time when they shower (have you been there?) . If they don't listen, there will be punishment for ignoring our request. There are good reasons for these ultimatums, because we are building our little ones into responsible, respectable adults. It's a process with a lot of trial and error, but with consistent effort, it will pay off.
     Ultimatums get a little stickier in marriage relationships. Because the bottom line is, we are often trying to change our spouse to suit our needs or wants. Our ultimatums may come across a little less obvious. We may pout if we don't get the attention we desire. We may yell or belittle if we don't see eye to eye on an issue. We may withhold sex if we are angry over an offense. Our ultimatums in this realm, fall into being selfish, rather than molding character or behavior. 
     But some ultimatums have their place in a marriage. Certain behaviors aren't acceptable, and if they continue, the marriage will possibly not be able to survive. Like infidelity. This behavior must stop in order for a marriage to have a chance. Some people may immediately close the door to a cheating spouse, and never look back. It's because infidelity is a very serious offense, and must be dealt with. It causes pain, insecurity, and unbelievable heartache. 
     During the process of dealing with infidelity in my own marriage, I have to confess something I am not proud of- I gave God ultimatums. I said things like, "God, please fix this fast, because I can't take this anymore." Or, "God, please remove this woman so he is no longer tempted by her." Instead of giving God ultimatums, I should have stated my heart, and let Him do His thing- whatever that was. I was ultimately asking God for changes to eliminate our weaknesses, and not allowing His strength to overcome them. God forgive me for trying to boss You around!
     Certain situations in life will require us to give ultimatums. But it is still my prayer, that when the behavior and heart has changed, grace will follow! Whether it is my children that need it, or my husband, I want to be characterized as being a woman of grace and forgiveness. Many times I fail at this, but being able to offer grace to someone who needs it, is an opportunity to pay forward what Christ has done for me!

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. Romans 12:17 ESV
Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. Galatians 6:7 ESV
For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it. James 2:10 ESV
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me be wise with ultimatums. Help me to season them with grace and understanding, but to stand for truth. Forgive my selfish demands that You follow through on my wishes, in my time, and help me instead to have faith in Your ability to handle any crisis. I thank You, Lord, for always hearing my prayers, and forgiving my shortcomings. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!