Harsh Words Damage Relationships

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear (Ephesians 4:29, ESV).
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back (Proverbs 29:11, ESV).
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18, ESV).

Can you remember all the great things people have said about you through your life? I know I can remember a few—especially those said by someone that oftentimes isn’t complimentary. I remember praise for accomplishing certain milestones or tasks, and I remember promises made involving serious things like marriage vows. I remember whispered words of encouragement when I was walking through some very difficult moments in life, but man oh man I remember harsh words.

Why is it that the really bad things we have heard stick with us, filling us with whispers of doubt and fear in moments of weakness? They lay under the surface of our thoughts, easily erupting when we need them the least. It should give us great pause before we allow ourselves to speak, knowing the impact can last for decades—sometimes even forever. 

Rash words really are often like sword thrusts, aiming at our hearts and wounding oftentimes more seriously than a physical injury. Learning to rein in our words should be constant. At any moment given the wrong situation, we can so easily lash out with hurtful comments. This is often especially true with those closest to us—the ones we know love us most and will forgive our verbal jabs. I find this is fairly common among couples learning to live side by side, day after day.

Stressful situations can lead us to be careless with our words. Feeling hungry, sleepy or ill can also lead us to snap or say something rude or unkind. When we use words that are harsh or unkind, Scripture says we speak as a fool. These words have consequences and reveal the state of our hearts. If you’re known as one that can aptly cut with your words in a clever, sarcastic or cruel way, you are not a picture of Christ.

Our society places value on sarcasm and criticism, but within a marriage or any relationship, that form of speech damages and tears down. Our speech, as believers, should build up and encourage. As I write this, I am convicted when I think of the many times I have used clever, cutting words and felt almost proud of how I put someone in their place. May God change our hearts and may we be convicted of our speech when it falls short.

Marriages need kindness. Your spouse needs words that affirm and encourage. There is no situation where we are justified in using harsh language. My challenge to each of us today is to pay attention to our words. What tone are you using when you speak? Is what you’re saying beneficial or destructive? Words are often forgotten, but I think it’s so important to know that harsh words spoken are often remembered for many years, causing bitterness, along with emotional and mental pain. Speak kindly, and by doing so, it will reveal the Spirit of God within you. 

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak (Matthew 12:36, ESV),

 

I am Thomas

I sat beside his bed, holding the hand of my husband. Thirty years of doing life together conjured up so many rich memories. How could I go on without him, I wondered? We were a team—partners, lovers, and best friends. And now this. The doctors had given us news that literally shook us: stage 4 cancer. How are you supposed to handle that kind of news? 

In another home across the world a woman sat alone. Fearful and heartbroken, she faced the awful news that her husband had left her. The clothes and books and his well-worn recliner seemed to mock her in his absence. Was it over? Would things ever be okay again? How was she supposed to move forward alone? She missed him desperately, yet here she was—broken and filled with doubt.

Centuries earlier, a similar situation played out in a distant land. As he looked on, he saw his friend hanging on a cross. Broken and bloodied and dying. It wasn't supposed to be this way. He had placed all of his faith in this Man, and now He was dying—leaving them and shattering his hopes that Jesus was truly the long-awaited Messiah. Why had he been so foolish to believe, he thought to himself? Why did it have to end this way?

The disciples were gathered together and Jesus appeared to them after that awful day of His death. While Jesus had told them prior to His death that He would indeed die and raise from the dead, they didn't understand what He meant. So when they saw Him, their hope was restored—He really was the Messiah. He really was Who they had believed Him to be. This caused them great joy and I'm sure, a huge sense of relief. But Thomas wasn't there. He didn't get to see Him, and when he was told that Jesus had appeared to them, he refused to believe it.

Not only did Thomas refuse to believe the news, but he adamantly refused. In fact, these are his words:

"Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe (John 20:25, ESV)."  Never.

Eight days later, Jesus appeared to His disciples again, except this time Thomas was with them. How do you think Thomas felt when Jesus, knowing his heart and his words, asked him to place his finger in the nail print in his hand and to place his hand on His side and feel the place where the sword had pierced Him? I would imagine in that moment, Thomas felt an ocean full of regret and sorrow. He had doubted the Lord, and the Lord had called him out on it. Not in a mean way—but in a very direct way. And Jesus then told Thomas: "Do not disbelieve, but believe (John 20:27b, ESV)." 

It's so easy to point fingers at Thomas and judge him for his doubting heart. How could he have seen the works of the Lord and then doubt His identity? He had watched Him perform many miracles in the three years he spent with Him—healing people, feeding multitudes from only a few loaves and fish, raising people from the dead. How could he have been an eye-witness to these miraculous acts, only to doubt Him as He hung on the cross? It seems foolish, and yet I've been there, and maybe you have too.

The truth is, God heals cancer. God restores broken marriages. God gives the addict freedom from substance abuse. God makes a way when it seems there is none. God cures. God rescues. That's what He does, and I often easily forget that when I'm faced with situations that seem absolutely impossible. I doubt Him. I forget what He's done. I'm no different or better than Thomas.

But Thomas didn't stay a doubter. After he touched the wounds of Jesus, he appropriately addressed Him as "my Lord and my God." History records that later Thomas would lose his life as a martyr. He could have stayed in a place of disbelief, but he didn't—and I don't have to stay in a place of doubt either. Why? Because I've personally seen the hand of Jesus miraculously move in my own life. I've had a front row seat to witnessing the power of God transform people—transform my marriage, and transform lives. When I stop to consider these things I can release worry and doubt that grips my heart when I'm the one sitting by the hospital bed or facing an unfaithful spouse or a child addicted to drugs. Is it hard—yes. Does it hurt—absolutely. But I serve a God who is able.

Even though He is able, God doesn't always heal that stage 4 husband. He doesn't always bring back a wayward child or spouse. The addict will take the final dose that takes their life. Our world is broken, and sin has touched every part of it. But as believers, we don't have to live in a place of doubt. God will make all things new and restore His creation. He cares about us and wants us to hope in Him. He can do all things, and in His strength, so can we. And sometimes–somedays, that's enough to remove every bit of doubt from our hearts no matter what we are facing. May we, like Thomas remember—truly see Him, and then address Him as our Lord and our God. 

But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind (James 1:6, ESV). 

Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him (Mark 11:23, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to be remembered by our faith, and not our doubts. May we be Christians that leave a legacy that says "they trusted in God, and lived it." In Your name we pray, Amen!

Who is He?

 Driving down the road, I often find myself praying—sometimes audibly, and sometimes silently, as I have free, uninterrupted time to speak to God. I have quite an extensive list of people I know with needs, and I have plenty of needs right in my own home. To be completely honest, I often find that about 95% of my prayer is focused on needs and wishes. I rattle them off in their usual order, adding in present day requests as they arise. It's not a bad thing to "let our requests me made known to God", but there is more to prayer than that. 

I was challenged recently by a message I heard about prayer, and how I oftentimes find myself asking the same thing over and over again, and not getting much of an answer to some of my own prayer requests. It can be frustrating, when we desperately wish for something, only to feel unheard (we aren't), or feel there is no clear answer from our Father. This message pointed out our attitude toward prayer, and how we often approach God in a way that is habitual and rote, standing in the way of our answers. We come bringing our needs, but aren't even expectant when we lay them before Him—and I know this is true of myself, at times. 

I recently had a real need that I had been taking before the Father, but again, it had been more of a habit in my asking. After hearing this broadcast on prayer, my heart was stricken for the callous and casual way I often approach Him for needs of my heart. As I got on my knees in the quiet of my home, I asked God to reveal to me just ten of the mighty things He had done, that we read of in scripture. As He revealed them to me, one by one, I spoke back to Him those miraculous displays of His awesome power. As I spoke each one of them, it became clearer and clearer to me that my prayer was just a drop in an ocean of His infinite power, and certainly easily handled by His hand. And you know what? Within the course of that very day, my prayer was answered!

The message of this post is certainly not from a point of authority, teaching the way to really pray. The real point I want to make here is for us to remember Who we are praying to—I needed that reminder. There are a few prayer sessions I've had with my Heavenly Father that will be forever engrained into my memory—that being one of them. Each of those times I distinctly remember Him speaking back to me in a very direct way. It is one of the reasons I do not have doubts regarding my salvation like I did when I was younger. If the Word of God did not reassure me (and It always can), those prayer sessions sure did. 

As we make prayer a part of our Christian journey, may we remember Who God is as we approach Him. I need this reminder often, but my experience recently refreshed my soul and gave me the courage to ask, knowing His perfect ability to answer. When our prayers align with His will, we are on good ground for receiving an answer. Will it always happen immediately? No—I've been made to wait many times, as God bolstered my patience and my faith as I continued to bring the same need before Him. But we know we can approach Him boldly—just as scripture reminds us, knowing He not only hears us, but longs to answer us. On the days I pray habitually and my heart is lacking, may He speak to me again, giving me courage and reminding me of His awesome power. As Jeremiah 32:27 reminds us, "Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?" 

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might (Ephesians 6:10, ESV).

But Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26, ESV)."

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly that all that we ask of think, according to the power at work within us (Ephesians 3:20, ESV),

And what is the immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe, according to the working of his great might (Ephesians 1:19, ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to approach You in light of who You are. Help us to pray expectantly, and from our hearts. We know You long for us to bring our petitions before You, and so we pray that we will be more aware of how we approach You. Your power is limitless, and Your love is infinite. In Your precious name we pray, Amen!

Why Me, Lord?

     if you've asked God "why", you're not alone...

     We start asking this question as soon as we learn it. If I had a nickel for every time my own children asked me "why", I would be a really rich woman. "Why are you big, and I'm little?" Or, "why does she get to go, but I don't?" So many "whys" in life, and they don't stop as we grow up. In fact, the questions still come and become more and more complicated as we age.  It always remains—this desire to understand things, and our need for answers. And while we usually go to parents, other family members, or friends for answers, we also find ourselves asking God "why". After all, He knows everything, and allows things to happen, so we naturally turn our "whys" upward. I'm really glad He's okay with that.
     My "why" questions really transformed as I grew up. From trivial questions about my little world and the basics of life, they took a new turn. Why am I single, and everyone else seems to have someone? Or why do they get to have children, and I keep having miscarriages? And then there were the "whys" of my marriage problems. Why do other people get to have "normal" marriages, and mine is a mess? Why did my marriage journey include an affair? Why does my faith seem to constantly be tested? These are questions we ask God with desperation, needing some sort of answer, or at the very least, reassurance that even in the middle of life's messiness, He still loves us.
     Some of our questions will be answered, and some won't. Even those that we don't feel are answered, actually are, they just weren't answered the way we hoped, or as clearly as we wanted them to be. But we do know that God always hears us, and He always cares. We often feel heartbroken when He doesn't give us the answer we want, and feel ignored or uncared for. But when we understand the character of God, we know we are wrong to ever assume this about Him. While He understands our questions, He answers in ways that we often don't understand. This is because our vision is so localized to where we are right now in this part of our journey, that we can't see the bigger picture—but God can. When my "whys" don't get answered, God is asking me to simply trust Him. My withheld answers are intended to bolster my faith—not a faith in the answer, but faith in God.
     What questions are you struggling with today? What has God allowed to happen in your life that seems unjust or unfair? Why does God call some of us to go through some really difficult stuff? We will always wrestle with our "whys" because we are earthly minded. I have asked God many times in my own journey, "why me, Lord?" And at times when I'm really desperate for an answer I often get discouraged and impatient—and sometimes, even angry. While I may not know why things are they way they are right now, I do know that God can be trusted and He is always in control. And so when I'm faced with my biggest "why" questions in life, may I remember the goodness and faithfulness of God. He doesn't mind my questions, but He does ask that I trust Him and obediently follow Him, even when I can't see or understand where He's leading me. If we had all the answers, we wouldn't need faith. And without faith, it is impossible to please God. As I move forward, without knowledge of the outcome, may I know that God will never lead me where He won't use me. And somedays, that is the only answer I need.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9 (ESV)
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now i know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12 (ESV)
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. James 1:5 (ESV)

Dear heavenly Father, we thank You for always hearing our questions and we pray that You will give us patience as we wait for answers. We are thankful for the wonderful gifts You have given us, and we pray for faith when answers seem far away. In Your name we pray, Amen!

     

The Remember Stones

          As a little girl, my sister and I loved to collect pretty rocks. We had some shiny, smooth black rocks given to us by a sweet older gentleman. I don't have mine today, but I kept them for years. We had some crystalized purple and green rocks we bought from the gift shop of a mine. In all honesty, they were pretty, but apparently worthless, if they willingly sold them to little children for a couple bucks. And then we loved to find fool's gold. These rocks were plain, other than the dusting of gold that covered their outer layer. We always hoped that somehow, they weren't fool's gold, but rather authentic, and we would be rich from our fortunate find. Sadly, that was never the case for us. 
     These rocks were significant to the two of us, because they had sentimental meaning to them. There was no real value in them, other than our memories. I wonder if the children of Israel had those same sentimental thoughts, when they looked on the twelve stones retrieved from the bottom of the Jordan River. These stones had no value, other than they signified how God had opened the river to allow them to cross with the Ark of the Covenant. Joshua had one man from every tribe, carry a stone from the Jordan to where they lodged. While these rocks were likely plain to look upon, they told an amazing and miraculous story that pointed those who would look on them, to the redemptive and unmatchable power of God. 
     Wouldn't it be amazing if we had rock memorials from the many times God has touched us- rocks that signified His redemption and healing in our life events? If it were so, I would look behind me and be blown away by the sea of rocks telling stories of my own deliverance. I would see piles that showed how He saved me from being eternally lost, at the tender age of eleven. I'd see how He helped me through school, and provided opportunities for college and a degree. I would smile at the ones that reminded me of how He opened the door to being married to my best friend. I would be touched at the healing of multiple sicknesses, and heartaches. I would shed tears over His faithfulness in blessing me with a son and daughter, after years of infertility and pregnancy loss. And my heart would be undone each time I looked upon the rocks that reminded me of how He is restoring our hearts and our marriage, after being shattered by infidelity. 
     Yes, my past is littered with beautiful stories that point to a Savior- One who is intimately involved in my life. Answered prayers. Healed hearts. People who call me "mom". Each story is a testimony to who He is, and what He does. And should I have a rock in place to remember, it would cause me to overflow with gratitude each time my eyes fell upon them. While I may not have rocks to remind me of His goodness, I do have memories. How thankful I am for all He has done, and will do for me. I challenge you stop today, friend, and remember the times He has worked mightily in your own life. We serve a God who loves to save, deliver, restore, and work- His purpose for doing so isn't just to make us happy, but rather to point others to His Son. Celebrate with me, the goodness of our Father, and the wonderful works He does for His children.

I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. Psalm 77:11 ESV
I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the works of your hands. Psalm 143:5 ESV
Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, Psalm 103:2 ESV
Then take care lest you forget the LORD, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, and out of the house of slavery. Deuteronomy 6:12 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank You for the many times You've saved and delivered me from danger. I thank You for the countless blessings I've received from Your gracious hand. I praise You, Father, for Your gift of salvation. Help me to recall the many wonders You've done for me. In Your name I pray, Amen!

Forgive and Forget?

        I have a long trail of transgressions behind me that I simply don't remember- they were trivial in nature, and with 49 years of living and forgiving, who could recall them all? I've forgiven lies, backstabbing, gossip, fist fights (siblings only), and hurt feelings. I've given no less than I've received when it comes to hurting others. And while many of them are long forgotten, plenty of them are still fresh in my mind. 
     For all of you that love me, and know me well, I hope you still do when I tell you a story from my childhood. I was number two in a sibling pack of four. At any moment in time, any of us could be the one the others turned on, and I well remember a few times we turned on our littlest- my youngest brother, Daniel. We sound pretty uncivilized when I say we occasionally "dog piled our brother." Maybe it was because he screeched the loudest, and Mom always got after us when he did (and might I add he would smile at us behind her back when we did get it). But I recall my older sister, my other brother, and I waiting for him to come downstairs where we "jumped" him. My idea was to rub a nylon hairbrush on his arm, which I'm sure, felt awful! Just to clarify a little, we were all very young, and he didn't bleed. But in this moment, I needed forgiveness, but I didn't forget what I did all these years later, and maybe he hasn't either. 
     The thing is, we all have hurt others- and especially those we love the most. And while we may forgive them, we often can't forget the hurtful words or actions. They are locked away in our memory because they were painful enough to remember. Infidelity is like that. While we can forgive and move on, we don't forget what we came through, and how it changed us. Forgiving means we no longer hold the offense against the one that hurt us, but to forget doesn't seem possible when the hurt goes that deep. And I think it's important not to forget the valuable lessons we learned through our own journey, while forgetting the offense. The lessons learned help guard us in our "today moments", and helped strengthen our marriage and our relationships with one another and our Lord. I'm truly thankful for the lessons God taught us through our own story, and am certain He will use them for good. Yes, we forgave, but we also remember.
     That's what makes us so unlike God. When you think about it, every sin committed in all of history, is against Him. The hairbrush rubbing, the affair, the fighting, the lying, the hurting- every one is against Him. Should my sins be tallied up, I would cringe in embarrassment at how awful I really am. But on the cross, many years ago, my sins were washed away with the holy, precious blood of Jesus- forgiven forever! And not only did Jesus forgive my sins, but He chooses not to recall them. He doesn't assign my sins to me anymore, labeling me by them- which is such an amazing gift. While we look on others and remember the hurtful words or actions they did to us, He chooses not to do that. When we think of how God does this for us, I feel shame for what I choose to remember. While it's wise to remember the lessons learned from past hurts, it's grace that allows me to let go of the offense, and never again place that label on the offender. "God help me in all ways, to be more like You."

"I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins. Isaiah 43:25 ESV
Then he adds, "I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more." Hebrews 10:17 ESV
For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more." Hebrews 8:12 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, I often don't realize just how far I fall short of being an example of Your Son, Jesus. Help me, Father, to not only forgive, but to forget the offense, while remembering the lessons learned from it. Help me to never assign labels to others that are human, just like me. We all sin because we are not perfect or holy. Help me to love others and forgive the way You do, Lord. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen!


     

Triggered

     If you have experienced an emotional trauma in life, you likely have triggers that bring it back to mind. It may be a smell, a phrase, a song, or something you see. You may think you have effectively put it away from the forefront of your mind, and when you experience a trigger, it slams its unwelcome presence back to the surface of your brain. We may do our best to try to avoid our triggers, but at some point, we will likely come face to face with one that will unnerve us and cause us to remember. 

     For me, I have quite a few that come to mind. I love music- many different genres. There is an extensive list of country music songs that make me dive for the power button, hoping to never hear them again. And places- I have a list of them that I prefer not to revisit for the memories they evoke. Even seasons can be painful, remembering what was going on during that time when we were in our valley of pain and heartache. 

     You likely have your own triggers, and you know what they are. It's crazy how well we think we are doing, and then a trigger puts us back in our minds to a place we don't want to remember. But the triggers will stay with us, so I have made a plan for what to do with them when they surface- because I know they will. I could choose to let them ruin my day or moment, or I can look at them in a different way. I can see how far I have come from that bad memory, and how God faithfully walked me through the storm. I can remember the family and friends that stepped in and carried my burdens with me. I can see how God used that bad season to make me stronger and more dependent on Him. I can see how He placed people in my life that would need me because I know the pain of that trial- and how their need of me, in turn, helped in my own healing. Yes, I will choose to think of the good that came from those bad moments when I hear that blasted song yet again, or think about that place I don't want to go, ever again. And one day, those memories won't hurt quite so bad. I'll learn to be thankful that God allowed them, knowing it would be a part of my story that would make me softer, more relatable, and overwhelmed at God's ability to make what was intended for evil, more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. 

And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep his commandments or not. Deuteronomy 8:2 ESV

Remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me, Isaiah 46:9 ESV

I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. Psalm 77:11 ESV

I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands. Psalm 143:5 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, my memory holds some painful experiences, but I pray that You will help me recall Your faithfulness to me through those experiences. You walked me through the darkest parts of my story, and You are there even when I think I don't need You. Lord, I always need You, and I'm thankful You are always there with me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

     

Would I Take him Back?

     What were the things that initially drew you to your spouse? For me, it was his confidence, fun personality, beautiful blue eyes, interest in spiritual things, and a persistence in pursuing me. I never thought he would be who I would marry, because for years, he was just my younger brother's best friend. I knew he liked me, but it wasn't until college that I discovered I liked him back.
     We spent many happy years together, as a married couple. I loved how he made me feel secure, protected, and loved. I enjoyed spending time with him. We traveled, had dinner dates, and enjoyed sexual intimacy. We raised kids, worked to build a family and home, and poured ourselves into our church. This man was my person, and I loved him! I never imagined things would change the way they did. I took for granted our marriage, and our commitment to it.
     An affair changes things. It takes a solid foundation, and puts a huge crack in it. Where do we go from here? A new possibility entered- a future apart from one another. Would there be a chance for us to work things out? Was it possible for us to restore our marriage? Did we want to? These were tough questions that I wrestled with daily. 
     Apart from grace that only God can give, the answer would have been no. Apart from forgiveness patterned after Jesus, and how He forgives, it would be impossible. Apart from a willingness on his side to surrender himself to God and His will, it wouldn't happen. But the bottom line is- I remembered what was. I remembered his role in my life, and how important it was. I remembered my vows- and what they meant. I remembered how God sees marriage. And I remembered our love, before things fell apart.
     Not everyone can open themselves up to restoring a marriage, but I do believe if given the opportunity, and with God guiding, it is what was right for me. I didn't want him back for the security of finances; I didn't want him back for what he had to offer me. I simply was willing to take him back because I loved him still, and wanted to honor my Heavenly Father by loving like He does- without limits. Would my husband give me that chance? Well, I will share that with you another day;) 

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23 ESV
Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. Matthew 18:21-22 ESV
"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Isaiah 43:18 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, we all are so thankful for the many opportunities You give us after we disappoint You with sin. I thank You for Your grace and forgiveness, offered so generously towards me. Lord, help me to offer it to those I love when I have been wronged. Help me to have Your strength to do what I cannot, on my own. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!