Harsh Words Damage Relationships

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear (Ephesians 4:29, ESV).
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back (Proverbs 29:11, ESV).
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18, ESV).

Can you remember all the great things people have said about you through your life? I know I can remember a few—especially those said by someone that oftentimes isn’t complimentary. I remember praise for accomplishing certain milestones or tasks, and I remember promises made involving serious things like marriage vows. I remember whispered words of encouragement when I was walking through some very difficult moments in life, but man oh man I remember harsh words.

Why is it that the really bad things we have heard stick with us, filling us with whispers of doubt and fear in moments of weakness? They lay under the surface of our thoughts, easily erupting when we need them the least. It should give us great pause before we allow ourselves to speak, knowing the impact can last for decades—sometimes even forever. 

Rash words really are often like sword thrusts, aiming at our hearts and wounding oftentimes more seriously than a physical injury. Learning to rein in our words should be constant. At any moment given the wrong situation, we can so easily lash out with hurtful comments. This is often especially true with those closest to us—the ones we know love us most and will forgive our verbal jabs. I find this is fairly common among couples learning to live side by side, day after day.

Stressful situations can lead us to be careless with our words. Feeling hungry, sleepy or ill can also lead us to snap or say something rude or unkind. When we use words that are harsh or unkind, Scripture says we speak as a fool. These words have consequences and reveal the state of our hearts. If you’re known as one that can aptly cut with your words in a clever, sarcastic or cruel way, you are not a picture of Christ.

Our society places value on sarcasm and criticism, but within a marriage or any relationship, that form of speech damages and tears down. Our speech, as believers, should build up and encourage. As I write this, I am convicted when I think of the many times I have used clever, cutting words and felt almost proud of how I put someone in their place. May God change our hearts and may we be convicted of our speech when it falls short.

Marriages need kindness. Your spouse needs words that affirm and encourage. There is no situation where we are justified in using harsh language. My challenge to each of us today is to pay attention to our words. What tone are you using when you speak? Is what you’re saying beneficial or destructive? Words are often forgotten, but I think it’s so important to know that harsh words spoken are often remembered for many years, causing bitterness, along with emotional and mental pain. Speak kindly, and by doing so, it will reveal the Spirit of God within you. 

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak (Matthew 12:36, ESV),

 

Listen to Me!

     Do you remember how frustrating it was as a small child to feel unheard and ignored because you were "just a kid"? I had an aunt-a wonderful, special aunt, who no matter how young or insignificant I felt, always stopped to listen. I'll always remember my Aunt Carole that way-kind, compassionate, and an active listener. But I remember many times when I went unnoticed and unheard, and those times always got under my skin. As adults, we often ignore the words of others. People speak their hearts and we simply ignore them or choose not to listen and hear what they are saying. When we refuse to listen and understand, we often discourage and frustrate them.
     We know how prayer works. God hears the prayers of His people. He's always listening, and He always cares. If He does that for all of us, can we not listen to the words of others? Can we not acknowledge their words and reply with compassion? As an adult, one of my biggest pet peeves is not being heard. To be waved off without consideration always gets my dander up. Maybe you've also had situations where you weren't heard, and it hurt or frustrated you. Being heard doesn't mean that the other party agrees, but that they listened and gave real consideration to your thoughts or feelings.
     If you're married, you need to hear the words of your spouse. The old picture of the man grunting answers behind his morning newspaper is unhealthy. Conversation is necessary for connection-even in the mundane routines of life. You cannot have a deep relationship if you don't hear what your spouse is really saying. If you don't understand their thoughts-simply ask for clarification. The best ways to show you are listening is to give eye contact, repeat the information you are being told, and reply with feeling and knowledge regarding the words spoken to you. When you practice these three listening cues, your communication improves and you connect on a deeper level.
     If you're a parent, your child needs to know you hear them. The same three cues can be practiced with your kids. While you may not understand what's really being said, by listening and sharing dialogue, the chances are that by your interest in their words, understanding will follow. Your children need to know that you will not only listen to them, but you'll hear the feelings, ideas, and thoughts they are trying to convey. Giving your children your attention and a thoughtful reply will do a world of good in building your relationship with them. 
     If you are part of a church fellowship, those who worship with you need you to hear them. You cannot have a spirit of unity and connection if you don't hear your brothers and sisters. Again-believers won't always agree with one another, but the spirit of active and thoughtful listening should be a part of every relationship inside each fellowship. Be approachable. Be kind. Listen to the thoughts and ideas of others. By doing so, you validate each one of them and show the spirit of godliness. 
     In all of our relationships, we want to be heard. And in all of our relationships, we need to hear others. There hasn't been a time in my life when people have more to say, and there also hasn't been a time in my life where people refuse to give consideration and kindness to the words of others. People are daily accusing others of things that are untrue. We often refuse to listen to reason and make unnecessary comments. Hear, listen and love knowing that even though we may not come to an agreement, we cared enough to listen. I wish the world were full of Aunt Caroles, and may I learn myself to be a lot more like her. 

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear; slow to speak, slow to anger (James 1:19, ESV);
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice (Proverbs 12:15, ESV).
If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame (Proverbs 18:13, ESV).
Cease to hear instruction, my son, and you will stray from the words of knowledge (Proverbs 19:27, ESV).
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion (Proverbs 18:2, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to really listen to others and not dismiss them without understanding. Your Word calls us fools when we do that, and so we humbly ask that You'll open our ears and our hearts. We thank You for always hearing us. It's in Your name we pray, Jesus, Amen!

The Little Things Matter

     It was a cold, rainy night in downtown Atlanta. The street was dark and mostly deserted except for a few homeless people sitting on the sidewalk. He rounded the bend, anxious to be away from this area of town when he heard someone calling out to him. He was in a hurry and didn't really want to stop, but from somewhere deep inside him, he decided to listen to this man. In his eyes he saw a sadness and a hunger that touched his soul as he listened to the man's plea for a few dollars and a job. The money was the easy part, but the job—he wasn't likely to be serious about. Doubtful as he was he gave the man an address just a few streets over and asked him to come in the morning. He was in need of a few odd jobs, and this man said he needed work. If it didn't work out, no harm done.
     To his surprise, the man did show up the next morning and worked hard to accomplish a few random tasks. This continued for the next few weeks until it eventually turned into a regular position. This man got his life on track and was able to help his sick mother and provide for their needs. It is not the way the story often goes, but it all started with one little act of kindness. We never know the lives we can touch when we do small simple gestures for someone else. These little things can turn into really big things, bringing glory to God the Father.
     The flip side is we often get careless with our habits and behavior—small indiscretions with company finances. Unkind words said to our spouse. Holding a grudge. Shorting a customer of what they were promised. Overspending on unnecessary things when there are bills that need to be paid. These little daily actions may seem small, but with each indiscretion we become callous to what we are actually doing—disobeying God's Word (sin). We don't find ourselves in the middle of a relationship train wreck without first taking small steps in the wrong direction. No "big thing" that we become involved in is usually arrived at by surprise. We start down a slippery slope of little things that land us in hot water.
     Your little things really do matter, because our small actions have a huge impact on where we go from there. If our little things are honest, kind, careful, considerate, godly and good, we won't have to worry that our big actions will be hurtful and damaging. So let's open our eyes to what we are doing in the routine, seemingly inconsequential moments of our days and make it our aim to do these small things with a pure heart motivated by the goodness of our gracious Father. Give money to that person who's in need. Give your neighbor a listening ear. Hug your spouse after a hard day at work—lending care and support. Give flowers to a sick friend. Whatever it is—do it. Because we never know how God will grow our small acts of obedience and completely transform someone's day or maybe even their life. The truth is, our little things are capable of making a difference—dare to see what God will do with your little things.

"One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much, and one who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much (Luke 16:10, ESV).
Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you (Luke 6:38, ESV)."
Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor (Romans 12:10, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, guard our steps and keep us from disobedience. Help us instead to lend ourselves to others, giving and loving them with Your heart. Allow our eyes to see these small opportunities you open for us to show kindness, and we trust that You'll use these to do something bigger than we may ever know or imagine. In Your name, we pray Jesus, Amen!

Loving Away Needs

     It was a cold, drizzly Sunday evening. His family was hungry and he didn't have enough money to feed them. Big, hollow, sad eyes looked at him. He was the family leader- the provider, and he had failed them all. Disability had robbed him of his ability to aptly provide, and they were in debt up to their ears. They had three kids- all in the growing up stage of life, where they seemed to be able to eat endless supplies of food. He hated to do it- but the church down the street may be able to help them.
     He pulled in to the parking lot and saw the service was just getting underway. He kept his family in the car and made his way inside. Ashamed and nervous, he was approached by a couple of the men who obviously attended this place of worship. After stating his situation, he hated looking up into the eyes of these men who saw him possibly as a beggar- because that's what he felt like in this moment. The men asked him to take a seat and they stood a ways away from him. He could see them- dressed nice, apparently well-fed, and clean. What must they think of him? He once looked very much the same as they did- but life had taken a hard turn, and the rest was history. 
    The men seemed to make a decision and came his way. They told him they would follow him to the nearest grocery store and purchase groceries to feed his family. No questions. No statements about why he didn't have a job. No feelings of judgment- just a kindness he was desperate for. Why would they help a perfect stranger- one who hadn't darkened the door of a church for many years? What led them to open their pockets to people they had never met before, or knew nothing about? The man had an idea of the answer, though, which is why he had come to this place- God. His grandma had believed in Him, and she had lived a life of sacrifice. She helped anyone who seemed to need it, and some who didn't. And she had always told him this was what servants of Jesus should live like- because we should love like Jesus loved.
     Jesus says that everyone is our neighbor. Each person we see with a need- our neighbor! Each person with a longing to be loved- our neighbor! Each person in need of forgiveness and grace- our neighbor! When we really understand this concept, it makes it a lot easier to let go of grudges. It makes it easier to open our pockets, our hearts, and our arms to those in need. And if we refuse, or allow someone else to do it in our place, we lose. We lose the chance to love like Jesus.
     The holidays are here- a time of giving and loving. Sometimes, the ones around us with the greatest needs, are the ones we live with. They may need words of encouragement, white flags of surrender, an apology with no strings attached, a tank of gas, a hot meal, a listening ear, a warm hug, or the gift of forgiveness. And when we meet these needs, let's then look a little further out from our homes and families, and see what other needs we can meet. This is written to you, yes, but it's also for me. I can get so wrapped up in all the things I want, and miss the fact that I'm surrounded by people who have needs I could meet. Not all of them will require money- in fact, often, they just require me to notice and care. God help me to be more like You; to allow Your love to flow from me. There would be no greater blessing than to have it said of me- "she loved." 

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:7-8 (ESV)
Love does no wrong to a neighbor; Romans 13:10a (ESV)
But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Luke 6:35 (ESV)
Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. 1 John 3:18 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, there are so many around us in need. Some may need material things, but some may only need love. Help us, Lord, to love like You do- generously, unconditionally, intentionally and faithfully. May this season be a time to lay down any differences, and reach out to those we may be struggling with. May we be characterized as people with Your heart- willing to meet the needs of those around us, and even those who aren't. In Your name we pray, Jesus, Amen!

The Power of Kindness

She felt defeated- bruised, and down on herself. From being the kid that never did anything that pleased her parents, to feeling like a failure as a wife, her self-esteem was at an all-time low. She found respite in food and tacked on unwanted pounds. This only made her feel worse about herself in the end, even though food gave her short-lived comfort. It didn't matter that she was an excellent mom. It didn't matter that she had a high I.Q. Inside, she was hurting and desperately insecure. Her husband didn't help with his negativity and absence of compliments. Was she seen? Did anyone appreciate her? 

When this woman met Jesus through the pages of a self-help book, she clung to Him with a desperation she never experienced before. He promised her love without conditions. He said she was beautiful—a masterpiece of His making. He told her she had purpose—words she longed to hear. A purpose bigger than mopping the floors and washing clothes. And He taught her about fellowship, friendship, and worship. In time, she found a place that followed Jesus and biblical doctrine. She met people that instantly showed her love and acceptance. She began to flourish under their love, attention, and care. 

It started with God, yes, but it also started with appreciation from others. "Thank you for being so helpful", some would say. "You look beautiful today!" "You are such a blessing to our group, and we are so thankful to have you with us here." Little sentences that took minimal effort, yet they were building up a broken woman. This story is fictional, and in no way represents my own story. However, we all need to be mindful of those who need a word of encouragement. We often won't know the power our words of love will have in someone's life. Don't be stingy with building people up. If you think kind thoughts, just say them!
     

Having dealt with infidelity, I see, and experienced, how security is stripped away as a result of betrayal. I cannot tell you how healing it was to hear kind words from others, and how it bandaged hurtful thoughts placed in my head by none other than Satan. We see it said on social media often: "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about." This is such a true statement, and one we need to not only "like", but put into practice. We are given an opportunity countless times a day, to encourage someone. Say the good things you think. Give a hug. Speak to those who visit your place of worship, and make them feel special. Let people know they matter. And in doing so, we are being like Jesus- loving and living to bring joy, peace, and healing to others. So in case you wondered, and need to hear this today- you are treasured. You are beautiful. You are so loved. Never forget that, my friend.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 ESV
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 ESV
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14 ESV
Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. Psalm 63:3 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to really see others with eyes like Yours. Help us to build up one another, and show kindness and appreciation to everyone we meet. Thank You Father, for loving us despite our many failures and shortcomings, and for always making us feel welcome in Your presence. In Your precious name we pray, Amen!

How I Felt About Him When We Were Apart

     My husband always had my heart before he walked out the door. I found him fun, attractive and my other half. For almost 25 years, he was there, and I always figured he would be. When I discovered his affair, I had some pretty hurt and angry feelings- naturally. I had always joked about shooting him if he ever cheated on me, never thinking it was a real possibility for us.

     When he left, I honestly was torn in two about how I felt about him. I felt disgust and anger one minute, and compassion and love the next. My heart and mind had loved him so long, it didn't know how to feel differently. And yet I kept finding myself astounded that this man I had loved so long would betray me in this way. I would see him and feel like I either wanted to hide, or hug him. It was a very confusing time for me.

     I have never been that person that yells, screams and throws things. While other people offered their feelings of what they would do (or think they would do), it just isn't like me to be vindictive or ugly. It isn't that I didn't have those feelings or daydreams, but I couldn't do it and feel good about it. To be honest, my biggest feeling for him was concern- concern for how he was damaging relationships, hurting those who loved him the most, and turning his back on God. None of this was like the man I had loved and lived with for most of our lives. This concern was motivated by my feelings of love for him that I still felt.

     We had our face to face moments, and usually after the initial pain and anger started to shift, we could spend time together and show kindness and care. He was very forthright and honest at owning up to our situation, and I think that helped me to feel compassion rather than hatred. Another contributing factor - a big factor- was what God kept speaking to my heart. Over and over again He urged me to love him, pray for him, and show him kindness. It wasn't always easy, but I knew it was one way of reminding him that God loves us without conditions. And God asks us to love like He loves. This love is sacrificial, and a love we often feel for our kids, but less often feel it for an unfaithful spouse. Loving a spouse is a choice- one we make each day. I chose to love him regardless of his behavior and choices, and whether he returned my love or not didn't matter- I was choosing to love him the way Christ loves me. The rest was up to my Heavenly Father, and I trusted Him for whatever was ahead for us.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sin. 1 Peter 4:8 ESV

Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, 1 Peter 1:22 ESV

May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and the steadfastness of Christ. 2 Thessalonians 3:5 ESV

Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to love- even when it's hard. I thank You for faithfully loving me, no matter what I do or say. Your love is faithful and kind, and I want to love like You love. Help me to love like that, Father, In Your precious name I pray, Amen! 

Sunday Relationship Post- Complimenting One Another

     I am honored to know a lady that makes everyone feel like a million bucks. Elsie goes out of her way to make everyone feel special, beautiful, loved and appreciated. If you are blessed with knowing her, you know how amazing she is. Being around someone like her leaves you feeling positive and full of smiles. Why can't we all be more like my friend, Elsie?
     In a relationship, compliments are important. Whether you compliment each other's looks, accomplishments, cooking, or new outfit, compliments feel good, and make you feel cherished and appreciated. If you don't compliment your spouse, someone else will. Why would we want our husband or wife to be complimented by others, and not by me? We all have a need to feel wanted and appreciated, and we especially need to feel that with our life partner. 
     Make a point today to compliment the one you love. The more you do it, the better you will feel. Don't worry about keeping score- they make take a while to catch on. But if you do feel neglected and need complimented more, don't be afraid to have a conversation about it. Often times, we get so busy doing our own thing that we forget to speak kindness to those we love. It isn't good enough to think it- we need to make sure we are saying it!
     God made us with a need to feel loved and appreciated. While He does love us- so very much, if we are in a relationship, we should be expressing the things our spouse needs to hear. Just as God reminds us of His love for us, we need to show that same kind of love to others. So let's try to be more like Elsie to a world that needs to smile more, and feel loved and appreciated. And why not start with the person who needs it the most from you- your spouse. Let them know today how much they mean to you, and what it is about them that you love. It only takes a simple compliment to turn a bad day around. 

Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. Romans 15:2 ESV
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to compliment others - especially my spouse. May my pride not hold me back from saying things that build others up. Thank You for speaking of Your love towards me, and help me to speak of mine for others. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!