I am Thomas

I sat beside his bed, holding the hand of my husband. Thirty years of doing life together conjured up so many rich memories. How could I go on without him, I wondered? We were a team—partners, lovers, and best friends. And now this. The doctors had given us news that literally shook us: stage 4 cancer. How are you supposed to handle that kind of news? 

In another home across the world a woman sat alone. Fearful and heartbroken, she faced the awful news that her husband had left her. The clothes and books and his well-worn recliner seemed to mock her in his absence. Was it over? Would things ever be okay again? How was she supposed to move forward alone? She missed him desperately, yet here she was—broken and filled with doubt.

Centuries earlier, a similar situation played out in a distant land. As he looked on, he saw his friend hanging on a cross. Broken and bloodied and dying. It wasn't supposed to be this way. He had placed all of his faith in this Man, and now He was dying—leaving them and shattering his hopes that Jesus was truly the long-awaited Messiah. Why had he been so foolish to believe, he thought to himself? Why did it have to end this way?

The disciples were gathered together and Jesus appeared to them after that awful day of His death. While Jesus had told them prior to His death that He would indeed die and raise from the dead, they didn't understand what He meant. So when they saw Him, their hope was restored—He really was the Messiah. He really was Who they had believed Him to be. This caused them great joy and I'm sure, a huge sense of relief. But Thomas wasn't there. He didn't get to see Him, and when he was told that Jesus had appeared to them, he refused to believe it.

Not only did Thomas refuse to believe the news, but he adamantly refused. In fact, these are his words:

"Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe (John 20:25, ESV)."  Never.

Eight days later, Jesus appeared to His disciples again, except this time Thomas was with them. How do you think Thomas felt when Jesus, knowing his heart and his words, asked him to place his finger in the nail print in his hand and to place his hand on His side and feel the place where the sword had pierced Him? I would imagine in that moment, Thomas felt an ocean full of regret and sorrow. He had doubted the Lord, and the Lord had called him out on it. Not in a mean way—but in a very direct way. And Jesus then told Thomas: "Do not disbelieve, but believe (John 20:27b, ESV)." 

It's so easy to point fingers at Thomas and judge him for his doubting heart. How could he have seen the works of the Lord and then doubt His identity? He had watched Him perform many miracles in the three years he spent with Him—healing people, feeding multitudes from only a few loaves and fish, raising people from the dead. How could he have been an eye-witness to these miraculous acts, only to doubt Him as He hung on the cross? It seems foolish, and yet I've been there, and maybe you have too.

The truth is, God heals cancer. God restores broken marriages. God gives the addict freedom from substance abuse. God makes a way when it seems there is none. God cures. God rescues. That's what He does, and I often easily forget that when I'm faced with situations that seem absolutely impossible. I doubt Him. I forget what He's done. I'm no different or better than Thomas.

But Thomas didn't stay a doubter. After he touched the wounds of Jesus, he appropriately addressed Him as "my Lord and my God." History records that later Thomas would lose his life as a martyr. He could have stayed in a place of disbelief, but he didn't—and I don't have to stay in a place of doubt either. Why? Because I've personally seen the hand of Jesus miraculously move in my own life. I've had a front row seat to witnessing the power of God transform people—transform my marriage, and transform lives. When I stop to consider these things I can release worry and doubt that grips my heart when I'm the one sitting by the hospital bed or facing an unfaithful spouse or a child addicted to drugs. Is it hard—yes. Does it hurt—absolutely. But I serve a God who is able.

Even though He is able, God doesn't always heal that stage 4 husband. He doesn't always bring back a wayward child or spouse. The addict will take the final dose that takes their life. Our world is broken, and sin has touched every part of it. But as believers, we don't have to live in a place of doubt. God will make all things new and restore His creation. He cares about us and wants us to hope in Him. He can do all things, and in His strength, so can we. And sometimes–somedays, that's enough to remove every bit of doubt from our hearts no matter what we are facing. May we, like Thomas remember—truly see Him, and then address Him as our Lord and our God. 

But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind (James 1:6, ESV). 

Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him (Mark 11:23, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, help us to be remembered by our faith, and not our doubts. May we be Christians that leave a legacy that says "they trusted in God, and lived it." In Your name we pray, Amen!

Recovery Is Possible

Most days I forget the pain of the past. I can make it through the whole day without thinking once about where we were a few years ago, and how it forever changed me. But some days I remember. Some days, I look at myself and I'm amazed that with God's help, I survived-our marriage survived! So my blog post today is for any who may be going through a really difficult situation in your marriage, or even in your own life that seems impossible to make it through. God seems far away and you feel uncertain and skeptical that your heart will feel joy again. Your days are filled with fear, sadness and discouragement. You feel you'll never smile again, and your heart will never heal. If that's you-I want to encourage you to have hope that better days are ahead for you. It may seem like I speak empty words in this season for you, but I know-I've been there. I want to promise you that God can restore your broken heart. I want to whisper words that will allow you to believe, today, that healing will come for you. It won't mean you'll be the person you used to be, and if you really think about it, do you want to be?

I remember it as clear as if it were yesterday. I sat in my counselor's office, leaning forward on that couch and with a pained heart, I asked her, "how long? How long will it take for healing?" She told me that the average amount of time was right around two years. But she also told me that some parts of infidelity would forever change my reaction in certain situations. She truthfully told me that I would never return to the exact woman I used to be. She stressed how important it was for both partners to actively do their part in the recovery process if our marriage had a chance to heal from the affair. Weeks later, I was joined by my husband in therapy, and we began formulating our own recovery plan. The road ahead would be difficult, but we knew that we were following God's plan in our decision, and that with His help, we had a really good shot at this. 

Whatever you're up against, don't forget that God is in it with you. I often wonder how people make it through big life obstacles without His help, comfort, wisdom, and guidance. I look at the broken woman I was back in the worst of it, but on closer inspection, I can see how God was actively using others to help restore my hope and my joy. He hugged me through the arms of other believers. I can see how His Word spoke life and hope into my wounded heart. I needed almost constant reassurance from Him, and He provided each and every time. That same God is with you, too. He longs to carry your burden for you. He wants to heal us-He really cares! We read of many He healed physically, emotionally, and spiritually in the New Testament, and we see evidence of His faithful healing all around us still today. Even yet-we often doubt it will happen for us. We long for it, but our hearts feel skeptical. 

My marriage is just one example in a long thread of answered prayers in my life. God doesn't always heal in the ways we ask for. But even when He says "no", recovery is possible when we realize He understands a bigger picture than what we could ever see or comprehend. While I am forever changed in many ways, I am also truly recovering. I am living proof that God is a Healer of the brokenhearted. It won't happen overnight because there are lessons to learn in the broken places of our circumstances. Recovery is a process. It's a process of learning to trust God in those painful seasons when hope is hard to grasp. It's a transformation in our self-dependence to dependence on Him. It will hurt, but I want you to believe it'll happen for you, too. Because the same God that walked me through the fire and out the other side, longs to walk with you as well. Recovery is real-and my prayer today is that each one stuck in a place of pain can have renewed hope that your heart will sing with joy again. Believe-because He is able.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you (1 Peter 5:10, ESV).

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3, ESV).

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28, ESV).

He restores my soul (Psalm 23:3a, ESV).

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for the hope we have in You for our recovery from brokenness and pain. Sometimes, we feel unable to manage the hurts of the day, yet we know that in our inability, You are our Perfect, Able Father. Help us to remember, no matter how bad the day, that our recovery will come. In Your name we pray, Amen!

     

Lord, Help My Unbelief

Back in my 30's, I experienced a weird list of physical symptoms that left me discouraged, unwell, and simply stumped. From joint pain to strange marks on my skin, to intestinal issues, fatigue and other annoyances, I had no clue what was going on in my body. I saw a few different doctors only to get different diagnoses—none of which treatment ever seemed to help. I began to think others thought I was crazy, but deep in my heart I knew something was wrong with me. 

After years of dealing with these random symptoms, I finally got an infectious disease physician to discover the cause: Lyme disease and related co-infections. I never remember being bitten by a deer tick, but the evidence was present and making me feel miserable. 

During those years of feeling pain, I remember vividly pleading with God for healing, only to be disappointed that the symptoms lingered. I believed He could—I really did, but He chose not to give relief for over a decade. Did this make Him less able, or was my faith being tested?

Unwavering faith in God's ability in any situation is something I wish I could proclaim to have, but I've struggled with doubts before. I've had doubts over the state of my marriage—that God would be able to fix the mess we were in. I've had doubts that various friends or family members would be healed from serious illness. I've doubted my abilities as a mom, and how to handle certain situations. Doubting is not a distant possibility for me—I'm well acquainted with it, sadly. 

Doubt is a lack of trusting God, which on paper, sounds ridiculous. How could I doubt God when He has proved time and again His faithfulness to me? Satan uses these moments in our lives to whisper words of doubt—doubt that God is able to help us since He seems to be doing nothing about our problem presently. 

This brings to mind a story from Mark 9, which involves the father of a son possessed with an evil spirit. The boy had convulsions from this spirit and was unable to speak or to hear. The father had asked the disciples to heal him and they had been unable to so he brought him to Jesus. The man asked Jesus, "if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." Jesus questioned him saying, "if I can? All things are possible for the one who believes." The father then said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" Jesus then healed his son, but only after he believed in Jesus' ability to do so. 

Friends—can you relate to this father? I sure can! Sometimes I know my belief is clouded by fear. I feel He is able, yet my heart still feels doubtful. How I long to perfectly trust Him at all times and in all things! God really is always able, and yet I often need reminders through pain-filled, trust-building life experiences.      

What are you waiting for today? Does it seem impossible? Out of reach and unlikely? It is sometimes difficult to continue to believe God is able when He seems to be silent. These are thoughts I've often wrestled over myself, but waiting is actually good for me—as much as I dislike it. Waiting exercises my trust in the ability of God to do what may seem impossible. On the days when our waiting seems unbearable and the situation seems impossible, we can, like the father in Mark chapter 9, cry out to Jesus with the same words: "Lord, help my unbelief!" 

But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. James 1:6 ESV
And he said to them, "Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? Luke 24:38 ESV
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5 ESV
For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7 ESV

***what we must come to understand is that His ways are higher than our ways. He won't always give what we pray for—even if we believe He can. It's in those circumstances that we must trust His plan for saying "no" has a spiritual purpose greater than our healing.

Holding on to Hope

     Have you ever hoped to win a million dollars? I’ve actually wasted time imagining what I would do with it. Just in case you wondered, I would pay off our house, our cars, and college for the kids. I would probably take an exciting family vacation. And of course, give some to something worth-while. This is me hoping in the impossible. But when it comes to real life possibilities, there is always hope.

     It’s easier to hope for the little things- a sunny day after too many rainy days, a cup of coffee after a restless night of sleep, or a shower after a workout. But for the bigger things- a good job, buying a new house, or considering a move across the country, we can feel a little stressed and unsure. Our hope can waver when it doesn’t seem there’s a sure answer in the near future.

     But then we hit a storm in life, and it’s tough to have hope. I know, because it was something I had to constantly remind myself of- hope in all situations. In fact, I put a reminder on my lock screen on my phone that says: I wait for the LORD, my soul waits. And in His Word I hope. Psalm 130:5. There is a story behind that...

     It had been a particularly hard day. One where we had made progress in our relationship, and then I found out he went back to her. I was DEVASTATED. I spent a tear-filled night in bed, begging for something to hold on to that would give me the hope I longed to keep. I could feel the Spirit with me, but I had no answers. Then, in the morning, the verse of the day arrived on my phone- it was Psalm 130:5 (the verse above). Wow! God speaks, He really does. Hold on to hope, my friend. God really is able, and can do what seems impossible. Just when we think there is no way possible, He opens a way. It may not be the way we thought it would be, but if He is in control, we can rest in knowing it's the very best way for us. 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13 ESV

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. Psalm 39:7 ESV

But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience Romans 8:25 ESV

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12 ESV

For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O LORD, from my youth. Psalm 71:5 ESV

Dear Heavenly Father, help me not to lose hope. You are the God of hope, and all things are possible with You. On the dark days, and in the sleepless nights, help me to remember Your power and might. You made the heavens and the earth. You designed the human body- so complex, and so orderly. You conquer our enemies, and You are always able. Thank You, Lord for being the source of my hope. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen!

ps- I almost posted this yesterday. And guess what the verse of the day was yesterday? Psalm 130:5;)